


Disenchanted

by rllylame



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Anger, Angst, Anxiety, Cutting, Depression, F/M, Fluff, High School, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Mental Hospital, Mental Illness, Piercings, Potentially triggering, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tattoos, Teenagers, Underage Drinking, Violence, confidence issues, friendships, relationships, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2015-07-09
Packaged: 2018-01-09 08:20:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 118,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1143713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rllylame/pseuds/rllylame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After his failed suicide attempt, Frank meets his new psychiatrist, Gerard Way, and his perspective on the world starts to change slowly but surely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

The sun was setting over New Jersey as Frank Iero left the downtown supermarket he had just visited to get cigarettes, and walked the few blocks towards the busy parking lot at the end of the street.

He wore a black and red striped sweater with several black t shirts underneath to keep the cold out, as well as a pair a dark black skinny jeans and his old and beat up grey converse.

His dark black hair was shorter at the sides, with a sloping fringe hanging over one of his hazel eyes.

The majority of his tattoos were hidden by his sweater, even those that covered his hands; his was pulled over his fingers, a habit born from his anxiety and self-consciousness. His favourite scorpion tattoo peeked out over his collar however, earning Frank some disapproving and disgruntled looks on the streets.

Frank, however, was too preoccupied with the idea of his cigarettes to notice. He had run out earlier that day, but knew he couldn't last long without his next nicotine fix. Not long after he had finished his last cigarette he left the house he shared with his mother, Linda, promising to pick up a pint of milk as well.

                                                                                                -

Frank was grateful for the respite of leaving his home, if only for a few minutes.

He liked to drive.

It was relaxing to have time to himself which he spent singing along to the tapes wedged into his car stereo. He sang badly but as it was him alone in his car, only sometimes being joined by his small, chubby dog, Mama, or one of his friends, Ray or Bob, it didn’t particularly matter anyway.

It was leaving the safe and comforting interior of his car to run whatever errand he had gone on, that Frank had a problem with.

                                                                                                -

Frank jiggled his car keys in his hand and thrust his wallet into his back pocket as he walked, dodging to avoid the hurrying pedestrians littering the streets.

He was in no rush to get back home, knowing there was nothing but his mother’s worries and inference awaiting him.

He eagerly ripped open the cheap packet of cigarettes and taking one out, he dug his lighter out of his pocket and watched as the flame ignited the small white stick. Sticking the cigarette into his mouth and the lighter back into his pocket, he inhaled deeply before exhaling the cigarette smoke.

It had barely been an hour since his last fix but now, on the darkening New Jersey streets, Frank finally felt sated and satisfied.

                                                                                                -

He walked past the pedestrians on the Jersey streets as quickly as his legs would carry him and cringed inwardly, uncomfortable at being around so many others.

He hadn’t been away from his car for more than a few minutes, but he felt vulnerable, exposed. He wanted nothing more than to reach the safe sanctuary of his car.

Apart from school, this was Frank's first venture out in days and he was desperate to get away from the prying eyes of the shoppers, sure he could feel their stares burning into his back, and flushing his skin. He hurried along, slowly leaving the throng of shoppers littering the streets as he waited for the familiar parking lot to come into view.

Today, like every day, Frank was finding it hard to be around people.

This made things like school a nightmare.

He preferred his own company, meaning spending time around others barely entered his head, and it certainly wasn’t something he would consider enjoyable.

He could barely stand being around his own mother for too long. Not because of her. In fact, in any other circumstance, Frank's father leaving them at an early age should have brought them closer together. Instead, as his depression deepened, Frank pushed his mother further and further away.

Now whenever he was around her he felt vulnerable; all his faults on show. He couldn't remember the last time he had let her touch him, even for a second on his darkest nights, not even when his thoughts and urges were louder than ever.

                                                                                                -                                                                                            

Frank was now nearly at the entrance of the parking lot and he hurried the last meter or so as his car came into view, sighing with relief as he was met with a relatively empty stretch of concrete, the cars in the lot few and far in between.

He was finally away from the people on the crowded evening streets and instantly it was as if a heavy weight had been lifted off his chest.

His anxiety was subsiding slightly, but this did not comfort him. Instead, it showed Frank how strong his anxiety was. The idea of it getting worse scared him. He wasn't so naive to believe his anxiety has hit its worst point. In Frank's experience, everything could always stand to get worse, and thoughts of how this would affect him and his life, often plagued him.

Frank shook his head in an attempt to scatter his worries and let himself breathe in the cold evening air.

As he walked to his car, he comforted himself with the fact that he was about to be safe inside again and most importantly, alone.

The deep smell of petrol that surrounded the parking lot comforted Frank as he breathed it in, the familiar smell comforting him.

He opened his car and slipped into the driving seat, laying his head against the leather headrest and staring up at the roof of his car.

He opened his window and sighing with relief, took another drag of his cigarette, his hand grazing the side of his car.

                                                                                                -

After several minutes of sitting in the peaceful silence with his eyes shut, taking occasional drags from his cigarette, Frank opened his heavy eyes with effort.

Realizing he had neither the energy nor the concentration to drive home, he knew he should text his mom to let her know he’d be out longer than expected.

He’d assumed this would just be a quick trip to the store to pick up some cigarettes and then he’d drive home, finally, but more than likely failing to attempt some school work, whilst smoking and finally falling into bed at around 2am. Later, if it was gonna be one of those nights. Now Frank was sure it was gonna be one of those nights.

As he sat in his car, fingers still clutching a smoking cigarette, the idea of driving home, keeping his eyes on the road whilst he sang along to old CDs, eating dinner, petting Mama, speaking to his mom, school work, even sleeping, all seemed like too much effort, a waste of too much energy that he didn't have.

In the end, whatever he did that night would achieve nothing anything. No matter what he did that night, the sun would still rise the next morning and Frank would be forced to go through the motions get again; trapped in a constant nightmare. A nightmare without respite, or end.

As he contemplated this, all Frank’s energy seemed to drain away and he was filled with darker sadness that hadn’t been there before.

Frank knew at this point in the day and the large drop in his mood, he’d rather curl up in a ball and sleep in his car, finally making his way home the next day, to hole up in bed for another few days before he felt better enough to trudge to school and waste another day there; simply going through he motions, just like he did at home.

However Frank knew he had put his mother through too much worry over the years to justify another night spent away from home, for no other reason than his sadness and depression, and the ache of knowing that even when he got home, he wouldn't feel better; maybe never would.

Frank had learnt that long ago when he had looked at his mother's sunken, tired eyes, knowing it was all because of him.

                                                                                                -

Without realizing it, Frank closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, his body grateful for the escape it so desperately needed.

In his pocket, his phone beeped and rang, his anxious mother at home and waiting, biting her nails and pacing the worn kitchen floor.

                                                                                                -

Frank opened his own eyes an hour or so later.

The parking lot had emptied considerably and the sky had noticeably darkened.

The temperature had also dropped which Frank noticed this straight away; the window of his car still open, his arm still dangling out, although he had dropped his cigarette in his sleep.

As he began to wake up, Frank's bleary eyes came into focus, and he looked around him, shifting uncomfortably as he realized he had fallen asleep in his car.

He looked up, and locked eyes the hard brick wall of the parking lot.

For months Frank had been parking his car in this parking lot and for months he had been fantasizing what it'd be like to crash, not so accidentally, into the brick wall.

Would he die or just be hurt?

Maybe it depended on the speed he drove his beat up old car.

Either way, it was the best option he had. There were no pills in his house that he could take, no rafter he could hang himself off, no particularly high building in his town he could throw himself off, and no way to obtain a gun.

No, this hard brick wall, or one like it, seemed like the only option Frank was aware of. Because of this, Frank found himself thinking about the wall whether he was happy or depressingly low.

In the middle of the night, when his head got too loud for him to handle, he found himself driving out to the parking lot, the sight of the wall and the thought of just how easily he could end it all, comforting him and quieting the voices in his head just a little.

Frank knew this behaviour wasn't healthy; he knew if his mother found out, she'd be horrified. However, he also knew thinking about ending it all was one of the only things that got him through the day.

This was his escape plan and it comforted him to know if things reached a point where life was unbearable and he felt there was no going back, he had options.

When things got too hard to handle, he would visualize himself driving into the wall, his hands off the brakes.

He imagined the bonnet smashing into the wall, scratching up the paintwork he had once spent so long fixing. He imagined his body jolting, his bones breaking, his neck snapping.

The more vividly Frank imagined his death, the worse he knew he was getting. He also knew he couldn't stop it. He also didn't want to.

                                                                                                -

Still exhausted and his body begging for him to return to sleep, Frank closed his eyes once again, grimacing at his own twisted thoughts, a familiar churning in his stomach.

                                                                                                -

He didn’t know how long he had been sleeping in silence for, but when he eventually jolted awake hours later it was even darker, even colder and the parking lot had emptied completely, aside from Frank's car.

Sighing with exhaustion, Frank turned the ignition on and the car rumbled to life.

He looked at the radio screen which told him it was past nine, four hours after he had first left the house.

Frank yanked his seat belt on and put the car in drive, rolling out of the parking lot and into the night.

He drove through the empty street, the sounds of Black Flag escaping through his open window as he chewed his nails, knowing Linda would have been anxiously awaiting his return ever since he left hours before.

                                                                                                -

He had forgotten the milk.

                                                                                                -

As soon as Frank pulled into the driveway, the front door was yanked open and his mother ran outside into their front garden. Mama ran at her heels, her stubby legs struggling to keep up but wanting to reach Frank as quickly as possible.

"Frank", Linda cried, "Where were you? What took you so long?"

Frank turned off the ignition and slid out of the car, slamming the door shut before beginning his explanations.

"You know I was getting cigarettes, mom, remember?"

He closed his eyes for a second and rubbed a hand over his face, too tired to face the oncoming argument.

"I know, Frank. But you left the house hours ago. I trusted you to go out on your own but I didn’t expect you to disappear for hours on end," she shouted.

She wasn’t angry, Frank knew that. Just worried.

Frank could hardly blame her. Linda already had enough to cope with, being a single mother who worked a demanding job as a nurse at the local hospital.

She didn’t need a son like Frank; a chain smoking, tattoo clad seventeen year old who did badly in school and barely left his room, preferring to hole himself up there for days at a time without eating, without sleeping or talking.

                                                                                                -

The times Frank did leave the house, he would go to parties with his only friends, Ray and Bob.

The boys had been friends since middle school, and had witnessed everything; Frank's father leaving the family home, Frank's sadness and bitterness turning into a deep depression, and the scattered attempts on his life.

The boys had been there for Frank through it all, yet as Frank continued to get worse, and became more and more reluctant to communicate, they drifted apart from Frank slowly, resigning themselves to the fact that no matter how hard they tried, Frank would never truly confide in them.

Instead, they found comfort in one another.

However, despite Frank's unwillingness to communicate, Ray and Bob knew the problems Frank faced and understood his moods a little more than his mom ever could.

They’d bring him to parties most weekends.

 Frank would be dragged out by the two, apprehensive at the thought at being around so many teenagers but would quickly relax with the aid of the alcohol; soon getting drunk and passing out on the floor.

Later in the night, Bob and Ray would argue with one other as they found Frank slumped on a couch; Ray saying these parties were dangerous for Frankie’s health, both mentally and physically and Bob arguing that without these parties Frank would become a social hermit, left to rot in his room and refusing to see anyone or do anything.

However, often, as they dragged the drunken, giggling Frank into whoever's car they had drove there, and lay him in his bed in a heap, they knew that Frank was only willing to go out if he could drink to excess; if he could try to forget his depression with vodka or whiskey.

By bringing Frank to these parties, they were basically handing him an opportunity to hurt himself on a silver platter.

It had to stop.

                                                                                                -

"Were you out with Ray or Bob?" Linda asked her son.

She knew it was unlikely, however. She hadn’t seen either of them in weeks. The last time they had brought Frank out to a party and slept over.

Linda had walked into Frank’s room in the early hours of the morning and found the three curled up together on Frank’s floor, asleep, tears drying on Frank’s face, back from a drunken night of drinking, smoking and drugs.

That had been weeks ago. She couldn't help but wonder what had happened, telling herself she didn’t know. But really, she was pretty sure.

She knew Frank’s friends had probably gotten tired of his eagerness to self-destruct.

The same had happened to her long ago.

                                                                                                -

"No mom. I wasn’t out with them," sighed Frank with regret, wishing he had been.

"They haven’t invited me out with them in weeks. I've only seen them at school, in class and at lunch," Frank continued.

He didn't mention the fact that he rarely lasted a whole school day to get to lunch and even if he did, he often sat in his car listening to music, purposely avoiding the few friends he had left.

The thought of a cafeteria filled with people he hated looking at him and watching him while he attempted to shove half an apple down his throat, made him sick.

                                                                                                -

"Frank? Are you listening to me?" Linda continued, her voice breaking through his reverie.

"I asked you where you were if you weren’t with Ray or Bob. You can’t have just have been getting cigarettes. It doesn’t take that long."

She gripped his hand, a pleading look in her eyes.

"Frankie, please. Just tell me where you were. Where did you go? What have you been doing. I'm worried about you!"

Frank fought back the urge to scream. He knew this would happen. Nowadays, he couldn't do anything, or go anywhere, without his mom worrying, her had filled with thoughts of her depressed and unstable son acting on the dark thoughts she knew plagued him.

"Mom," Frank sighed, "I swear, I was just getting cigarettes, okay. I just lost track of time I guess. I fell asleep. I don’t know...Just stop, please."

He was too exhausted to talk, and couldn't give his mother the honest discussion and heart to heart he knew his mother deserved.

Instead, he snatched his hand out of his mother’s, the guilt gnawing a hole inside of him. He was a horrible son, causing his mother to worry like this.

                                                                                                -

Knowing she wasn’t going to get anywhere tonight, Linda sighed.

"Fine Frank just..Just get the milk you bought out of the car okay? Then come inside and I’ll make you something to eat...You’re getting too skinny, Frankie."

Frank cringed inside, hating his mother's eyes on his body. Instead he nodded and tried to smile, the action feeling foreign and plastic on his lips, feeling guilty at worrying his mother.

He just wanted to get inside and go to bed, to escape. Maybe then he'd finally get to relax. Maybe then his head would give him some peace.

Not likely.

                                                                                                -

Frank turned towards his car and opened the door to the passenger side, ready to grab the milk and go inside. Quickly he realized it wasn’t there.

"For fuck sake," he hissed, slamming the car door shut in frustration. He couldn't even run a simple errand for his mom. He'd screwed up yet again.

Before Linda could stop him, Frank was in his car again, backing out of the drive and speeding off down the road, leaving his mother speechless.

Mama whined at her side, having never even gotten her ears scratched by Frank before he disappeared.

                                                                                                -

Later Frank arrived at home for the second time that night and pushed the carton of milk into his mother’s hands.

He sloped off to his bedroom and locked the door; not wanting her to see he had been crying.

Frank stripped himself of all of his clothes except his pair of boxers and crawled into bed.

He curled up in his bed, pulling the duvet over his body.

He shivered, and glancing around his room, noticed he had left his window open.

However, being too exhausted to even consider closing it and the thought of emerging from his warm nest of blankets too much to bare, Frank stayed where he was and closed his eyes, letting tears seep out of his eyes for what felt like the hundredth time that day.

As he pushed his fingernails into the skin of his forearms so harshly it was sure to leave a mark, his mother was leaning against the other side of the door with tears seeping out of her own eyes, Mama at her feet and butting her head into her mistress' side.

"Thanks for the milk Frank."

                                                                                                -

 

Frank woke up sick.

He knew as soon as he woke up to his alarm screaming at him.

The heavy feeling in his chest was all too familiar.

Groaning, Frank pushed himself to the edge of his bed and sat up, smashing his hand against his alarm to stop it shrieking at him.

The alarm told him it was 8:00 AM and time to get ready for school.

He dragged himself out of his bed to shut the window, the cold air against his bare chest making him shiver.

The sudden movement earned him an onset of hacking coughs. His head felt heavy and his nose was blocked.

School could wait.

Frank collapsed back into his bed and curled against the wall, urging himself fall asleep again.

Knowing his mom had already left for work and there was no one there to force up to go to school, he was determined to take full advantage of that fact.

                                                                                                -

He awoke several hours later feeling much the same, although the guilt of skipping school had started to hit.

No matter how many classes Frank had missed, the guilty feelings and anxiety never subsided.

This time his alarm clock told him it was past noon.

Frank pushed himself to get out of bed, knowing he'd hate himself even more if he stayed there all day with nothing to think about but how unbearable he felt his life had become.

                                                                                                -

He walked into the bathroom he shared with his mother, Mama trotting after him, and began to brush his teeth whilst surveying his face in the mirror above the sink.

He looked awful and he knew it.

His black hair stuck up at awkward angles from his distressed sleep and his face looked gaunt and sickly. The bags under his eyes were black and purple and seemed more prominent than ever.

Turning away from the mirror and carelessly tossing his toothbrush onto the windowsill, Frank turned the water in the shower to a scalding hot and slipped under the water.

 He washed quickly, hissing slightly when the boiling water hit his arms; the skin split from last night’s frustration.

He washed his hair and then just stood for a few minutes under the stream of the water, enjoying the feel of the water cascading over his body and beginning to feel slightly more relaxed.

After a few more minutes he turned off the shower and wrapped a warm towel around himself.

Once he re-entered his room he changed into a new pair of boxers and pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a new jumper on over his old black t shirt.

He wandered back into the bathroom, rubbing at his wet hair half-halfheartedly with the towel before throwing it on top of the shower door and making his way down to the kitchen.

He made a beeline for the coffee pot and filled it up, aimlessly walking around the small kitchen and checking his phone until it was ready.

After several cups, accompanied by several pills to quieten his banging headache and put a stop to his blocked nose, Frank walked to the living room and flopped down on the couch, too exhausted to do much else but to just lie there and close his eyes.

Mama jumped up beside him and snuggled down at his feet, quickly falling asleep, pushing against his feet whilst she dreamt.

Smiling at his dog, Frank flicked on the tv and left it on at a low volume, not concentrating on a particular programme but preferring the low buzz of whatever channel the tv was switched to over the silence of the empty house.

Frank passed a few hours on the couch resting his head on the armrest and staring at the ceiling whilst not thinking about anything in particular. He had only been awake for a few hours and he was bored with today already.

Bored with his life in general.

                                                                                                -

After a while Frank turned the tv off and sloped off to his room.

Switching on his iPod, he rammed his earphones into his ears and began to play Misfits.

He lent over his bed and dug his school bag out from under his bed, deciding he couldn’t let the day pass without at least attempting some work.

Damn his guilty conscience.

                                                                                                -

Twenty minutes later, Frank was sat chewing his pen with books scattered over his bed, a puzzled look covering his face.

"Fuck sake," he muttered, shoving his books onto the floor and resting his head in his hands, frustrated.

His headache didn't look like it was going to subside any time soon, and even sitting down he felt dizzy.

He couldn't concentrate; the words and numbers on the pages swimming before him.

He just couldn’t do it.

Frank felt the familiar feeling of hopelessness and guilt wash over him as he realized he wasn't going to get anything done that night.

He lifted his heavy head and glanced around his room, his eyes falling on Pansy, his guitar, and causing a new wave of guilt to wash over him.

He couldn't remember the last time he had played her. In fact, he couldn't remember the last time he had done anything he used to enjoy.

He hadn’t read or played guitar or hung out with his friends or spent time with his mom or walked Mama or listened to music, really listened to it in months.

He hadn’t done anything but sit in bed and stare at the wall, occasionally attacking his arms to punish himself for being such a disappointment.

He had no energy to do the things he had once loved.

His life was pointless and he was wasting it away one day at a time, not even caring that his life was falling to pieces in front of him.

                                                                                                -

He glanced at the clock and saw that it was 6:00PM.

School had long since let out and his mom wouldn’t be home for another hour or so, and that was only if she wasn't made to work an extra shift.

He had plenty of time.

                                                                                                -

Frank dragged his forearm across his face to get rid of a few stray tears and grabbed his car keys off his night stand.

He walked down the stairs, as Mama ran down with him, and tripping over her on the way out.

Looking at her puzzled face and reassuring her Linda would be home soon, he locked the door and made his way over to his car, ignoring her yelps from inside.

He knew exactly where he was going.

                                                                                                -

He drove in silence to the parking lot in the centre of Belleville

 It was already dark out and bitterly cold but Frank hardly noticed.

He was focused on where he was going and nothing else even registered.

He was determined to get where he wanted to go and nothing would get in his way, least of all the cold weather.

                                                                                                -

Soon he reached the parking lot he so often thought about. Instantly he felt relief.

Tonight was the night.

It would all be over soon.

The familiarity of the parking lot caused his nerves to lessen and he calmed down, letting out a breath he didn't know he had been holding, and breathing in the cold night air for the first time.

                                                                                                -

He had learnt to drive a year or so ago in this very parking lot under his mother’s guidance.

It seemed like a lifetime ago now.

So much had happened since then, so much pain and hurt and bullshit, a never ending cycle that seemed like it would never stop repeating.

The thought made Frank sick.

He had waited too long for it to get better, but his faith had run out a long time ago.

Enough was enough.

He had waited far too long for this moment.

                                                                                                -

As he circled the parking lot a few times to ease his nerves, he thought about all the times he had been here before and the states he had been in.

He could have ended it a thousand times over by now, should have done it on those horrible, unbearable nights.

Instead he had tried to snap out of it, and gone home, telling himself it'd all be better tomorrow.

It never was.

He always found himself at the parking lot night after night.

There would be no more of that any longer

There was absolutely no point in holding on any longer.

                                                                                                -

When his hands had stopped shaking, Frank finally put his car into park against one of the parking lot walls.

He wanted to be calm before he did this; he wanted to make sure he got it right.

Frank wound the windows of the car down and breathed in the sharp bitterness of the evening.

He lit up another cigarette and inhaled deeply.

He laughed bitterly to himself as he reminisced, realizing just how many times he had been in this position before.

However, this night would be different.

He would make sure of that.

                                                                                -

As soon as he had finished the cigarette, Frank threw it out of the open window and pulled the car into drive, swallowing hard before driving his car as fast as he could into the brick wall.


	2. Chapter Two

Frank awoke hours later with a dry throat, a banging headache and aching bones to a beeping sound that seemed further away than it possibly could have been.

He knew at once where he was.

He knew that he had failed at the thing he had wanted the most.

This wasn't the first time he had been in this position.

This feeling, these noises, they were all too familiar.

A feeling of absolute dread washed over him.

He knew he had failed in ending his life, but succeeded in drawing attention to himself.

He knew his facade of pretending everything was going okay was now long over and he'd actually have to start talking now, start admitting that things had started to slip.

He knew there'd be doctors and questions and his mother's sad eyes.

                                                                                                -

The thought of this, along with the realization that he had failed so badly and would now have to deal with the consequences caused his eyes to smart and a few stray tears to roll down his cheeks.

He felt trapped, terrified, heartbroken.

Instead of opening his eyes and having to face all those things that terrified him, he squeezed them closed even tighter, willing himself to fall back asleep.

He didn’t want to deal with the consequences of his actions; not now, not ever.

He knew he would have to eventually but a few more hours of denial was better than nothing.

He wanted to pretend this wasn't happening.

He didn’t want to open his eyes to the disappointed face of his mother and the immense pain he was already beginning to feel.

                                                                                                -

Unfortunately, Frank's body didn't get the memo.

As if to remind him he was still as sick as he was yesterday, is not more so now, Frank was forced to sit up, suddenly having a coughing fit.

The hacking cough made him breathless and feeling like he was about to choke, he pushed his hand against his mouth as if to keep his organs from sliding out of his throat.

Feeling the absence of her son’s hand from her own, his mother who had been asleep at his side, jolted awake.

Although still bleary eyed and sleep deprived, she immediately realized what was happening and filled a glass with water that was on the table beside Frank.

She thrust the glass into his hand and began to rub circles into his back, murmuring at him softly as he coughed and spluttered.

Frank took a drink of the water and began to stop coughing, thankful his mom had been there.

When Frank was finished, Linda took the water off him and placed it back onto the bedside locker beside them.

                                                                                                -

Grasping Frank's hand once again she turned to her son, her eyes filled with worry, hurt and betrayal.

A thousand thoughts ran through her head, her mind racing.

There were so many things she wanted to say, so many things she was afraid to say, so many things she knew she could never say.

Instead she swallowed a lump in her throat, choking back tears and tried to smile; an unnatural grin stretched across her face.

"Breathe, Linda," she told herself. "He's alive, that's what matters most."  


But oh, god he didn't want to be.

"Just make normal conversation for now," she told herself. "Don't freak him out."

                                                                                                -

"You were sick, huh?" she asked Frank, referring to the coughs that had shook his body only moments earlier.

"The school called. You didn’t come in today. Well," she glanced at her watch, correcting herself, "-yesterday really."

"What time is it?" Frank managed to stutter, his head pounding and his body aching after what it had been through.

His body was stiff and sore and even the slightest of movements made him cringe.

His body was bruised and he felt battered and beaten. Yet, as bad as he felt, he was surprised he hadn't broken any bones, not to his knowledge at least.

Apart from his bruised and broken body, he seemed to have gotten out of the crash with few injuries.

Lucky in most people's eyes, yet in Frank's eyes, he was horribly unlucky to still be alive.

Already he was beginning to resent the harsh, brick wall he had driven his car into only hours before.

Like most things in life, it had not lived up to his expectations.

                                                                                                -

"It’s after 2AM, sweetie," answered his mom.

"Someone saw the wreckage and called an ambulance. It had already been a couple of hours though," she told him, tears welling in her eyes as she stifled a sob.

"You were there for hours, all alone in the cold. I could have almost lost you," she whispered faintly, her eyes now brimming with tears and splashing down her cheeks.

"They only found you a few hours ago. I was still at work, actually."

It was only then that Frank noticed his mom was still in her nurse’s uniform.

"We got the call in, a young boy in a car crash the ambulance staff said…I never imagined it’d be you coming in. In fact, I just kept thinking, 'I hope we can save him so his mother gets to see him grow up.' And then I saw you and…I just knew what had happened straight away, Frankie. I knew what you had done. I could feel it in my heart. And I just knew..I might never get to see you grow up. Because you don't want to."

She was sobbing at this point, clinging on to her only son's weak and bruised hand.

"…You’re lucky to be alive Frank," she continued. "You have a lot of cuts and bruises, and they think you might have a concussion, but you didn’t break any bones or anything...I don't know how. It’s like, I don't know, a miracle or something. I mean, someone obviously didn’t want you to die just yet, Frankie..." She tried to smile but faltered, her face crumpling and her voice cracking as her body shook, wracked with sobs.

"Oh, baby", she cried, her tears choking on all the things she wanted to say but couldn't. She squeezed his hand and faced his tired eyes. "Why’d you do it?"

                                                                                                -

Frank didn’t have an explanation.

Nothing he could say seemed to warrant what he had done. It was selfish and reckless and stupid. He had put his mother through hell for nothing.

The guilt he felt washed over him, crushing him.

He squeezed his mother's hand with all the strength he could muster, knowing right now, all she needed was his comfort.

Linda received his affection gratefully, sinking onto the bed and leaning into her son's embrace.

She wanted to hug him tighter than ever, and let him know that she loved him, she needed him, and that she was there for him.

However, she knew just how much the bone crushing hug she longed to give him, would hurt her fragile son.

Instead, she rested her head in the crook of her son’s neck, and rubbed his back softly.

As Linda felt her son's thin and scarred arms wrap around her, all Frank felt was the overwhelming guilt and disappointment that his plan hadn’t worked.

                                                                                                -

 

On the other side of the hospital, a young psychiatrist named Gerard Way walked up the nurse’s station and stood to fill up his coffee mug.

Almost straight away one of the nurses thrust a clipboard into his arms.

"Hey man," the young nurse said, "I’m glad I caught you. Head injury and possible concussion. Bed three."

"Wait, wait," Gerard questioned, glancing down at the chart and its contents. "What’s that got to do with me?" He was flustered, already behind with his duties for the night.

Although he was a practicing psychiatrist, who had his own office on the other side of town, at times he would help out at the local general hospital when it got extra busy or overcrowded, offering patients or family members an ear for them to voice their worries.

Occasionally he would be asked to talk to certain patients to figure out if they needed extra care or counselling.

However, Gerard was pretty young. At only twenty-two he had recently graduated.

It was his first year as a practicing psychiatrist and although it couldn't be denied that he was doing quite well, at times he still felt inexperienced or incapable.

"Oh yeah, sorry, forgot to say," the nurse continued. "Suspected suicide attempt we think." The man pulled a face. "He’s just a kid really, it's pretty sad."

"Oh, okay," murmured Gerard, the news saddening him, "Thanks."

                                                                                                -

He hated to hear about suicides, and the fact that some people were pushed to a point where they didn't think life could ever get any better.

 It was heart-breaking for anyone to hear, but cases like these often affected Gerard more than he liked to admit.

He had a shaky past, his teenage years being spent drinking to the point of passing out, and mixing with the wrong crowd; his nights spent lying on the ground crying and wishing for death; his younger brother, Mikey, anxiously watching him but not knowing what to do.

He hated the effect his past had had on Mikey.

It had pained Gerard to watch Mikey become more anxious and withdrawn as his problems worsened.

Mikey often stayed at home, ready to comfort and care for Gerard as he returned home from his nights of binge drinking.

He began to turn down offers from his friends to hang out, scared of not being there for his older brother.

He hated the thought of Gerard coming home to a quiet and empty house, hated the thought of looking like he was abandoning Gerard.

As Gerard's problems worsened, so did Mikey's anxiety.

He began to get scared to leave the house, now not only scared of something happening to Gerard whilst he was out, but also of re-entering the world he had avoided for so long; once again becoming subjected to its judgements and criticism.

That was all in the past now; Gerard had been a lot younger then, and Mikey was just a kid.

Gerard hated to think of it now, cringing whenever something reminded him of those lonely times and all that he had put his brother through.

Instead, Gerard preferred to pretend his problems had never happened.

He knew it wasn't healthy, especially in his line of work but Gerard had been covering up his problems for so long now that he didn't know if he could stop it.

One thing he could thank his shaky past for, was that it had brought him to psychology.

Watching his baby brother torn apart by his alcoholism, Gerard had sworn, once he was better, to help kids like Mikey, and ensure that if someone was feeling as badly as he had done then, he would do his best to help.

                                                                                                -

Gerard turned away from the nurse’s station and flipped through the information sheet to learn more about his new patient before he met him.

It told him his patient’s name was Frank, a seventeen year old who had crashed his car into a brick wall a few hours earlier in the night.

It was being treated as a suspected suicide attempt as those who had arrived to the scene had found no evidence of skid marks before Frank crashed the car into the wall.

He was also suspected of self-harming as the paramedics had found cuts and scars on Frank's arms and thighs.

Gerard nodded to himself and clucked his teeth before coming to look at the family information.

Gerard noticed the name of Frank’s mother as Linda Iero, one of the nurses who worked in the hospital.

Gerard knew her well and, although it was a long shot, hoped that this was a different Linda Iero, not wanting the kind and hard working woman he knew to be put through something as awful as this.

                                                                                                -

Unfortunately, Gerard had no such luck.

As Gerard approached the bed he had been directed to, he saw his colleague cuddled up to her young son and sobbing quietly.

Her son clearly looked uncomfortable at the contact but wasn’t cruel enough to push his mother off him, knowing this was what she needed at the moment.

Clearing his throat, Gerard smiled at the pair who looked up at the unexpected noise.

Gerard offered a small smile and nod of recognition to Linda, a look that he hoped conveyed his concern and his sympathies, before turning to her son.

"Hey Frank, I’m Doctor Way. You can call me Gerard if you’d like. I work here with your mom. I’d like to talk to you about what happened today if that’s okay with you?"

                                                                                                -

Frank scanned his eyes over the man in front of him.

He looked young, in his early twenties, if not younger. Much too young to be a doctor.

At first glance, Frank would have guested that Gerard was someone's brother, or son and was just visiting the hospital.

He wore dark black jeans, a white shirt and a black waistcoat, that contrasted with his pale skin, but matched his long, black hair perfectly.

If it were not for the name badge clipped onto Gerard's black waistcoat, clearing stating his name and occupation, Frank would have been perfectly fooled.

                                                                                                -

Doctor Gerard Way. Psychiatrist.

Uh oh.

                                                                                                -

Gerard gripped a mug of coffee in one hand and a clipboard in the other.

He wore a thick, silver ring on his ring finger and when he smiled, Frank saw a glimpse of his pale, white teeth that looked almost too small to be real.

Gerard looked tired and worn out, but also eager to talk to Frank.

His eyes were kind and understanding, in a way unlike anything Frank had seen before.

Unlike the many doctors Frank had been faced with before, Gerard didn't seem threatening, or brisk and uncaring.

Instead, he radiated sympathy and empathy. Frank went against everything he had ever known, and decided to trust him.

                                                                                                -

Frank nodded reluctantly, knowing that he really had no choice, and shifted uncomfortably, watching his mother wipe the tears from her face and she tried to smile encouragingly at him.

Instead, her face looked strained and her smile, ready to break.

Frank hunched in on himself and began to pick the black nail polish from his fingers, just wanting to hide away from all of this.

                                                                                                -

"May I sit?’ asked Gerard, hovering near Frank’s bed.

Frank nodded at Gerard without looking up, wanting to get this over with as quickly as possible without incriminating himself too much.

He wanted to say as little as he could get away with. He knew the more he said, the more Gerard would analyze him.

He'd discover that Frank needed help, really needed it.

Frank didn't even want to think about what would come after this realization.

Frank knew, depending on what he said, he could be sent to therapy, or worse, to a hospital.

He told himself he'd have to be careful.

 In reality, he knew it was already too late to make excuses, or pretend everything was fine. He'd fucked up, and the thought of dealing with the consequences of this terrified him.

                                                                                                -

Gerard threw a reassuring glance to Frank’s mother and sat on the end of the bed, the bed barely sinking under his weight.

Gerard turned towards Frank and looked encouragingly into his eyes, careful to keep the clipboard with Frank’s information hidden, pressed against his chest.

                                                                                                -

Since Gerard’s arrival, Frank had become even more uncomfortable.

He squirmed under Gerard's gaze, scared Gerard was already psycho analyzing him, and was on the way to discovering all his secrets.

He held one of his arms with the other, desperately trying to hide his scarred arms from Gerard and his mom, however it wasn't much use.

Both of Frank's arms were as bad as each other.

Gerard noticed Frank's discomfort and his heart ached for the poor broken boy in front of him. As Linda was his co-worker, Gerard had often heard stories of her beloved "Frankie." He never imagined they would meet like this, in such awful circumstances. Gerard wanted to do whatever he could to help.

" I can get you a hoodie if you want," he quietly offered. Frank raised his head slightly and nodded vaguely in Gerard’s direction without looking him in the eye. He was touched at the offer.  


"Alright," smiled Gerard and dipped out of the cubicle. He was back in an instant and pressing a warm gray hoodie into Frank’s arms. "All your clothes were pretty much ruined from the crash. I hope you don’t mind wearing something of mine," he smiled.

Frank shook his head and shrugged the over-sized hoodie on, comforted by how it swamped him, making him feel so much smaller and younger than he actually was; so much safer.

The hoodie smelled like cigarettes and coffee, two of Frank's favorite things.

The familiar smell made him desperate to go home to his bedroom where he could lock his door and be alone, away from the prying questions of Gerard and his mother.

He wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed, safe and protected, instead of sitting in a hard hospital bed with both his mother's and an unfamiliar doctor's eyes on him.

Straight away he pulled the sleeves of the hoodie over his hands, not wanting anyone to see more than what they already had.

Gerard seemed satisfied that Frank was marginally more comfortable and began to ask his questions.

"So Frank, would you mind telling me what happened earlier on tonight?"

                                                                                                -

Frank didn’t respond, a lump in his throat rising uncomfortably. He wasn't sure how to start. He couldn't organize his thoughts in a way that made sense, that made what he had done seem understandable.

He began to pick more aggressively at his nail polish as Gerard and Linda both watched him.

The three sat in silence for a minute of two before it became clear that Frank was not going to respond.

Gerard and Linda shared a look before Gerard began to speak again. "I wonder Frank, would you be more comfortable if your mom left the room so you could talk to me about this in private?" This caused Frank to look up.

"No, it’s okay," he said, panicked, and scared of being alone. "She doesn’t have to leave…I mean, I don’t want to kick her out..."

"It’s okay baby," his mom reassured him, giving him a watery eyed smile as she got up from the bed and grabbed her handbag. "I could use a cup of coffee anyway. I’ll be back in a few minutes," she slung her handbag over her shoulder and walked towards the door before turning around again to face her son.

"Please talk to Gerard, Frank, " she told him. "You're safe with him."

Gerard squeezed her hand as she passed by, noting how drained and defeated she looked.

                                                                                                -

Much to Frank's surprise, Gerard didn’t make an attempt to speak again, waiting for Frank to answer the questions on his own terms.

Gerard was tired and wanted nothing more than to collapse into his bed at home but he knew he couldn’t leave this seventeen year old who looked so tired and so lost.

Frank needed someone to listen to him and Gerard intended to be that person.

He wasn't about to force Frank to speak. He knew that wouldn't solve anything. He simply waited until the younger boy got his words together.

                                                                                                -

Finally, after a minute or so of silence Frank began to speak. "I can't explain...It's just...whatever I say, nothing sounds...Right," he finished lamely.

He sighed, at a loss of how to explain himself.

He knew that whatever he could say would not accurately explain the situation he was in. Frank worried that by voicing his feelings they would suddenly become everyone’s business. He didn’t want to let anybody in, didn’t want them to know his thoughts and his feelings. Telling some stranger how he felt didn’t feel right to him.

His greatest fear was that by talking about how he felt, his problems would sound so insignificant and unimportant, not like they were at all. Everything in his head was foggy, the pressure of his thoughts were killing him, crushed inside his head and getting more overwhelming by the day. Frank was afraid that by letting his thoughts out of his head, he would infect the loved ones he still had left.

                                                                                                -

Instead, Frank decided to change the subject. "They said I might have a concussion but like…I don’t have to stay for that, right? I can go home?"

Frank looked up at the doctor eagerly. Gerard noted how he looked ready to spring forward and leave the hospital if Gerard gave any indication that he could go.

"We won’t know that until the tests come back, okay?" Frank nodded, sinking back slightly into the pillows.

"In the meantime I have a few questions for you. How are you feeling? How’s your head?"

Frank shrugged. "It hurts. A lot, actually."

"And what about before you crashed the car? How have you been feeling lately?"

When Frank didn’t respond except to look slightly guilty, slightly nervous and slightly annoyed, Gerard spoke again.

"I’m a psychiatrist, Frank, and I wanted to talk to you about what happened tonight because I don’t think this was an accident. You know when people are going to crash?”

Frank nodded, keeping his eyes on his fingernails, his heart thumping.

"Well, there are usually skid marks when the person driving tries to swerve out of the way or stop the car. You didn’t do that. I was told there were no skid marks to be seen. Which means....You tried to hit the wall deliberately? Am I right?"

Shit. He'd been caught.

                                                                                                -

Frank ignored Gerard, burning underneath his gaze, as if refusing to look him in the eye would protect him from his accusations.

Gerard refused to give up. Speaking softly he spoke to Frank.

"Frank, how would you feel about staying here or a little while? Just for a few days? Then you can really tell me how you're feeling and we can sort out all the trouble in your head. Wouldn't you like that? If all the noise in your head stopped?"

This caused Frank’s head to shoot up. With fear in his eyes he spoke to Gerard. "No. No, I can’t stay here. I have to go, I can’t, no-," he scrambled out of the bed and got to his feet, his eyes desperately searching for a way out.

Gerard shot up after him and stood in front of him, holding his hands out in a gesture of comfort and surrender. "Hey, it’s okay," he murmured. "It’s alright. Sit down, Frank." Frank slowly sank down on to the bed once again where Gerard joined him.  


"I can’t stay here," repeated Frank. "I have school; I have to be there for my mom. I really need to finish high school, okay. Please. I can't keep messing up, missing days. I need to make my mom proud. I've put her through too much already. She needs me. She's tried so hard, she's doing the best she can and I'm just...fucking up. I can't keep fucking up like this. I need - please, I just need a chance. Don’t make me stay here. It was a mistake. I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt her. I just need another chance..."

Frank broke down crying, his head in his hands. Gerard moved closer to him, rubbing his back gently. "Hey," he murmured, "Hey, it's okay. It's okay, Frank."

Frank looked up after several minutes, his eyes red and brimming with tears. "Please, Dr Way," he begged. "Please don’t make me stay here. I don’t want my life to be fucked up any more than it is right now."  


Frank could tell he wasn’t convincing Gerard so he changed his tactic, surrendering himself to Gerard’s control.

"Do you have an office?" Gerard nodded, unsure of where Frank was going with this.

Frank looked relieved and started rambling, his words running over each other, desperate to convince Gerard of his plan.

"Okay, well I could come see you at your office, every week if that's what you want. We can talk there; about anything you want. I could do that. Tonight was a mistake. I lost it, just for a minute. It won't happen again," he gushed, pleading with the young doctor in front of him, totally and utterly at his mercy.

"I’ll try to get better, I promise I’ll try. Please just give me a second chance. Please."

Frank gripped Gerard’s hand and urged him to give into him with his eyes.

                                                                                                -

In the end, as Frank was still a minor, it was his mother’s decision.

Gerard took her aside and spoke to her, talking softly, making his points clear and his feelings about the situation known as well as Frank's.

Frank watched nervously as Gerard spoke to his mom outside his room, Gerard's long black hair falling in his eyes as he gently gripped Linda's shoulder and gestured to her son, who was cowering in his bed.

Linda stood, listening to Gerard, biting her lip, and wringing her hands, torn.

Every fibre in her body told her that her son was sick; he needed to be watched and cared for.  


Ultimately, however, her mothering instincts kicked in. As she watched her son snivelling pathetically, looking lost and alone, more than anything she wanted him with her, she wanted to protect him. She wanted to hold him tight and never let go, keeping him safe from doctors and drugs and hospitals.

Reassured with the knowledge that Frank would be getting therapy with her good friend and colleague, Gerard, made Linda feel better. There was still niggling guilt and doubt in her mind, but she promised herself this would be the last time that this happened to her son. She promised herself her son would never have to go through this again. She didn’t think either of them could.

                                                                                                -

It turned out that Frank didn't have concussion so there Linda stood the next day, Frank by her side in the hospital lobby, getting ready to bring him home.

Gerard didn't look entirely happy with Linda's decision to bring her son home. In fact, he thought she would have been smarter than that, and only shortly before, had asked her to reconsider.

However, as she denied his request for the second time, Gerard had to remind himself he knew nothing about raising children. Instead, he swallowed his pride and tried to get on with his job.

                                                                                                -

"We’ll release him to you Linda," he told his co-worker, "but I want to see him in my office this week okay? That’s the agreement that we made. I’m not entirely happy with this but it’s your decision," he sighed and handed her a slip of paper.

"I want Frank to start taking this, it’s called as SSRI. It’ll help bring the serotonin levels in his brain back to where they should be. He’s feeling so depressed right now because they're so low. Hopefully if these work for him he’ll start to feel better soon. If not, we can discuss changing his medication but we'll wait a few weeks first to give them time to work and see how Frank feels. Go get the prescription as soon as possible; I want him to start taking it today. We'll discuss everything that happened today at our first session. Okay, Frank?"

Frank nodded dejectedly, watching his mother clasp Gerard's hand and thanking him for all his help.

                                                                                                -

Moments later, Frank and Linda left the hospital, feeling tired and run down. As they walked past Gerard, Frank began to shrug of his hoodie to give it back to Gerard who stopped him. "You keep it, kid."

Frank nodded gratefully, shooting his now psychiatrist a small smile, hugging the hoodie closer to him as he followed his mother out of the hospital; the lingering smell of Gerard on the hoodie making him feel slightly safer as he left the hospital and re-entered the real world.


	3. Chapter Three

The next morning, Frank’s life was thrown upside down without warning.

His mom shook him awake at 8AM, gently but firmly.

“Frank wake up,” she whispered.

Her son looked at her, bleary eyed and confused at being woken up so abruptly. Glancing at his alarm clock beside him and reading the flashing pixels tell him how early it was, he groaned and looked to his mother in confusion.

"What?" he questioned, unable to keep the edge out of his voice.

                                                                                                -

Usually when Frank was having a bad couple of days, Linda left him to it, letting him sleep all day if he needed to. She knew during these bad periods, all Frank wanted to do was hide away from the world; locked in his room and covered by his duvet. She didn't have the heart to try to coax him out of bed and watch his float around the house, not eating, or talking, just sitting, staring into space for an hour or two, before sloping off to his room once again.

During these periods, Frank would hardly go to school, and because his mom would be at work, he'd be left in the house for hours on end, with nothing to keep him company but his thoughts.

Often, Linda would come home to Frank in a worse state than she had left him, crying jaggedly in bed, his arms cut and bleeding.

Long ago, Linda had decided it was better to let Frank sleep through the day when he was particularly bad, instead of forcing him to wake up and face his thoughts.

                                                                                                -

Although Frank had assumed today would be one of those times (I mean, he had tried to kill himself, come on), Linda was obviously taking a different approach this time.

“I’m not asking you to go to school today Frankie, but I need you to get up, okay?" she continued, looking guilty but determined to enforce her new rules. “I don’t want you to sleep all day to avoid your problems. You’ve been doing it for far too long and I can’t watch it anymore. It's obviously not helping at all. You're just isolating yourself and hiding from your problems. It's not right. I can't believe I let you get away with it for so long. It's not healthy. You need to talk about what's been going on and how you've been feeling instead of sleeping the day away. Your problems are still there when you wake up, Frankie. And if this is all you're going to do to help yourself, they'll always be there when you wake up...You’re wasting your life, sleeping all the time and holing yourself up in your bedroom. I mean, I know that right now you might not particularly want a life but you’re going to have one, Frankie. I'm your mother and I’ll be damned if I don’t do my part. I've let too much slide over the past few years, and it stops now. I mean it.”

                                                                                                -

She finally coaxed Frank up after about twenty minutes, unfurling his duvet from him and encouraging him to take a shower.

Whilst he trudged off to the bathroom, grumbling all the way, Frank’s mom quickly got to work.

She wasn’t going to stand back and let her son self-destruct any longer. She knew what he had been doing in his bedroom now.

All those nights he had spent alone, locked in his bedroom, he wasn’t just reading or playing video games or practicing his guitar, like she had hoped he was he was.

He was crying, despairing, hurting himself. She couldn’t let it go on any longer. She was his mother, and it was her job to protect him, even if that meant doing things he would hate her for.

                                                                                                -

Linda searched Frank's room, scanning the floor and the surfaces for the small copper object she was looking for: the key to Frank's room.

She saw it after a few minutes, poking out from a CD on Frank's bedside table and picked it up, pocketing it quickly. She was rooting in his drawers searching for his blades when she noticed Frank at her side, wrapped only in a towel, droplets of water dropping down his chest, his hair wet and sticking to his head. His looked thunderous.

“What are you doing?” he shouted. Linda jumped, startled. He stalked towards her, his eyes narrowed. “Why are you in my room, looking through my stuff?” Frank looked murderous, but instead of retreating, Linda walked towards her son and placed her hands on his shoulders, gently pushing him down on his bed.

He sat looking up at her, taken by surprise. Normally Linda would have quickly left the room, not wanting to upset her son any more than she already had done.

She walked on eggshells around him, terrified at suddenly upsetting him. Not because he was an angry person, in fact his depression meant he rarely ever felt strongly or passionate enough about something to get angry. No, Linda walked on eggshells around her son because his emotions changed so rapidly that he could be relatively happy one minute and locked in his room and refusing to come out just a few minutes later.

His moods were so wild and unpredictable that it often scared her.

She didn’t like to admit that the happy and carefree little boy she had raised had turned out this way. It scared her that a person could change so much.

Frank had always been sweet and caring. Linda knew that deep down, underneath his depression and self-hatred, the sweet boy she had raised was still there. The boy who used to sing while they drove, who would cook for her on nights she was too tired to, who had spent his first pay check on flowers for her to say thanks for all the things she had done for him.

Linda knew that boy was there somewhere, underneath all the sadness and self-loathing. She knew she could get her son back if she tried hard enough, if Frank began to try too. He could claw himself up from the dark hole he was still in, if he really wanted to.

She had taken a back seat for too long, hoping Frank would figure out for himself that he wanted to get better, instead of her constantly pushing him, and possibly pushing him away. Now she knew if she didn’t move fast, her son may be lost forever. She was determined not to let Frank carry on his self-destruction any longer.

                                                                                                -

Linda sat down beside Frank so she wouldn’t be towering over her son, not wanting him to feel threatened or intimidated. She took his hand and looked into his eyes. He was still angry but Linda knew Frank loved her and that he would at least try to listen to what she had to say.

“Frank," she began, sighing heavily. "I'm so worried about you, baby. I have been for so long but I was so naive. I should have done more; I should have never let things get this bad. I just kept hoping you would start to feel better; I didn't want to force you to talk to me, I didn't want to push you away. But I was stupid, that was wrong. I should have been there for you. I let you down, Frankie."

She reached up to stroke her son’s face, surprised with he didn’t veer away from her or shove her hand away.

"You and I both know that the way you’ve been acting lately isn’t normal, Frankie. I know you think I don’t understand. I know I can never understand fully. I can’t imagine how awful you must be feeling right now, how confused and lonely...But I know one thing. I love you, and I want things to be better for you. I want things to go back to the way they were before all this started. I know that's selfish of me because I'm not the one going through all this, you are. I can't imagine how you are feeling, and I'd never be insulting enough to pretend I do. I know you'll always be affected by this period of your life, Frankie, I know you'll never forget it. I know, in some ways, a part of you will always hurt and remember what you went through. But I know that you can claw your way back from this. If anyone can do it, it’s you Frankie. You're so strong. You always have been. Even when your dad left, you were so brave. You really took care of me, when it should have been the other way around. I'll always feel guilty for that," she squeezed her son's hand and continued.

"Before all this started, you were the happiest, sweetest person. But now...I barely recognize you, and it breaks my heart. You’re isolating everyone, pushing everyone away. I’ve let you do it for too long but I can’t let it slide by anymore, not after what happened the other night. You need help and you’re not going to get better if I let you stay on your own all the time and turn a blind eye, pretending I don’t know what’s going on. I’ve done that for so long now that the thought of trying to do it again, it makes me sick. I thought I was protecting you this whole time, but I just made things worse, and I’m so, so sorry, Frankie. I let you down. But I'm not going to let you down anymore. I need to protect you. I don’t want you hurting yourself like that ever again. You could be doing anything alone here at night. You were.’ She gestured to his arms. Although they were covered with tattoos, the deep, pink and white lines covered the spaces in between. “I don’t trust you right now. I can’t, not after this. So until I do trust you again, this is it, this is how it’s gonna be. I don’t expect you to understand, but I do expect you to respect my decision and trust me.”

Frank had been speechless the whole time his mom had been speaking and Linda took advantage of this, kissing his forehead and murmuring “I love you,” before quickly leaving the room before he could protest.

                                                                                                -

After he had gotten dressed and recovered from the shock of his mother's new and more active approach to his recovery, Frank made his way downstairs.

He spent an hour or two wandering aimlessly around the house to satisfy his mother, before retreating back to bed. He felt restless, and couldn't settle. He wasn't used to being out of his room for more than a few minutes at a time, and even sitting on the couch and softly scratching Mama's ears, Frank felt watched and uncomfortable.

After he escaped back to the safety of his bedroom once again, Frank spent the rest of the day predominately motionless, lying on top of his bed, curled up against the wall, his door firmly shut.

He missed the safety of having his door locked. He felt exposed, vulnerable, scared. Although music played softly from his phone beside him, Frank barely noticed it; barely registering the lyrics being spoken or the rifts of guitars.

He stared at the wall, thinking about nothing in particular, and time passed; simultaneously all too slowly, and all too quickly.

From time to time, Frank's thoughts moved to the impending therapy he would face. He felt empty, lost, and more alone than ever.

                                                                                                -

Dinner that night was uncomfortable. Frank sat pushing his food around with his fork feeling no particular urge or need to eat. He sat like his until his food had most certainly gone cold.

“Eat, Frank.” His mother urged.

But to Frank it seemed too hard, too much of an effort for no particular gain.

He was tired and irritable and most of all, he was alive.

His stomach rumbled, reminding him that he hadn’t eaten in about two days.

Frank cringed, embarrassed, but dropped his fork down onto his plate, the metal hitting off the plate and making a harsh noise that seemed to bounce off the walls.

His mother sighed angrily and pushed her chair back from the table. “Fine Frank, don’t eat. Have it your way.” She grabbed his plate and dumped it by the sink along with her own.

Frank felt as if he had been slapped in the face. It wasn’t like he had a problem with eating, not in that way. It was just he often found the actual of process of eating so hard that it almost didn’t seem worth the bother. The thought of chewing and swallowing ground up food often made him feel so nauseous that he didn’t want to eat. And when he did want to eat, it often took him so long that people would get frustrated or annoyed, thinking he was eating slowly on purpose.

Other times the smell of food made him feel so sick that he didn’t want to eat anymore. But most of all, eating took so long and he had to put so much effort into it; that it seemed like a good idea to just forget about it most of the time, considering he barely had any energy in the first place. It just felt stupid to waste so much effort on eating when he’d only need to do the same thing a few hours later.

                                                                                                -

Frank went to speak but thought better off it, knowing it wasn’t worth getting into.

She simply wouldn’t understand, and he didn’t expect her to.

He felt ridiculous.

Instead Frank sat looking at the wall whilst his mom clattered around with the plates behind him, showing how angry she was by violently scraping food off their plates and hurling the dishes into the dishwasher.

Frank didn’t look up until she came over to him a few minutes later with a glass of water and one of Frank’s pills. She placed both on the table and stood over him.

“You have to take these Frank. You’re supposed to take them with food but if you’re not going to eat…” she trailed off, annoyed and feeling slightly bitter.

When Frank didn’t make a move to pick up the pill she sighed. “Please don’t make this a repetition of this morning, Frank.”

Frank cringed.

That morning he had argued with her, refusing to take the pill firmly believing that he didn’t need it. He had only given in and begrudgingly taken it when she had threatened to call Gerard. He didn’t want to annoy the doctor and he most certainly didn’t want to be a ‘problematic patient.’ He wanted to look like he was at least trying to make an effort to get better. That way he would be left alone sooner.

“Fuck, mom...Fine,” he sighed, knowing if he didn’t give in, there’d be a fight and feeling far too drained for that, Frank took the pill, feeling pathetic and defeated. Linda nodded but remained over Frank until he opened his mouth to show her he had actually swallowed what she had given him.

Frank rolled his eyes. “You watch too many movies,” he told her. He obviously didn’t tell her that despite swallowing the pills he was already trying to figure out how people in the movies were able to look like they were swallowing their meds but we spitting them out as soon as the backs of those providing the pills were turned. Frank was desperate to figure it out.

He felt different, and even though he knew it was probably just the placebo effect he did not want to take those vile pills for a day longer than he had to.

His mom looked relatively happier at Frank taking the pills, begrudgingly so yes but at least he was doing so. Therefore, Frank decided to ask the question that he had been afraid to ask all day.

                                                                                                -

“By the way mom," he began nervously, fearing her answer. "Did you speak to my school? What did you tell them?"

His mom answered simply, looking bewildered that Frank had even asked. “I told them the truth,” she said, matter of fact. “We’re not going to hide from this.”

Oh Jesus Christ.

“Oh my god," groaned Frank, "Please tell me you're joking?" His heart hammered as the few bites he had eaten at dinner churned in his stomach.

“Of course I'm not joking, Frank,” was all his mom said. "Why would I joke about that?"

"I can’t believe you did this.”

Frank’s mind raced; he could already imagine coming back to school only to be greeted with overly sympathetic teachers who secretly felt sorry for him and kids who sneered at him, wishing he had succeeded at his attempt to die.

"Everyone is going to think I'm crazy now.”

                                                                                                -

Frank was invisible and that was the way he liked it. After this there would be no getting away from his problems. They would follow him around in the form of overly worried teachers, fearing Frank to have a sudden breakdown in their class and give them a bad reputation as a teacher.

Frank would be a bomb, passed around from teacher to teacher, each afraid they would be the one to make him blow.

“Frank for heaven’s sake! You are not crazy! Don’t use words like that," began Linda, shaking her head at her son who was clearing panicking.

"Look, I spoke to your principal on the phone this morning. I didn't give much away at all, I just told them your mental health was a bit shaky at the moment and you needed a few days at home to recover before going back. I didn’t say anything about…” she couldn’t say it. “The other night,” she finally put it. “It’s Monday today, so you have exactly a week before you go back. I'm sure by the time you're back, no one will say anything to you about it."

Frank answered this with a roll of his eyes before his mother continued.

"Only the principal and your teachers for this year know; no one else. Of course your classmates aren't going to be told anything!" She caught his eye as he began to protest.

"And before you ask, I asked for Ray and Bob to be told you’re sick if they ask; that you have a cold. The word will spread. No one will think anything of you being absent from school for a few days. You’re sick a lot anyway, so people really won’t think anything of it, Frankie, I promise you.”

Frank realized this was true and his panic lessened slightly. It was true that he was off school sick quite a lot, plus it was a big school with a few hundred kids in his year at least. His absence would go by predominately unnoticed.

The only people who might miss him slightly were Ray and Bob and they were given a cover story, although the fact that it was in fact a cover story was unbeknownst to them. Frank was grateful to his mom for this.

If his friends knew he was sick they weren’t likely to come round to the house to visit, but if they were just left not knowing anything they might have come to check on Frank.

Frank really wasn’t keen on the idea of Ray and Bob coming to visit him and walking in on his mom trying to shove anti-depressants down his throat and seeing his bedroom without a door. Then they’d definitely know something was up.

Still, Frank shuddered at the thought of the sympathetic and disappointed faces of his teachers he would inevitably face when he returned to school. The thought made him either want to a), throw up, b), never return to school again or c), all of the above.

                                                                                                -

Still, as Frank sloped off to bed, he couldn’t help but worry. He’d been off school before because of things like this, but that had been years ago, when things were really bad, and he had stayed off for months at a time, not even being able to get out of bed as his mother cried and despaired at his side. It had happened so often that he’d been held back a grade. That was when he had met Ray and Bob.

Frank was glad to have met his new friends but he’d have much preferred if he’d have been normal and never had had to go through with any of that. He worried that this break from school would be the start of a long line of absences and things would repeat themselves. He couldn’t cope with another year like that, not again. He was graduating this year, and that was one of his only sources of happiness.

If he had to go through yet another year of high school, he’d die, suicidal or not.

With his head filled with these worries and aching bones from the crash he’d succeeded to lose his car from but not his life, Frank fell into bed, hoping to sleep forever.

If he was lucky, really lucky, he’d never wake up.

 

                                                                                                -

It was Thursday afternoon when Frank’s phone rang, the Misfits ringing through the silence of the house.

Frank was alone, a rare occurrence these days that he had begun to treasure.

Linda had taken Mama for a walk but Frank knew she would be back soon, scarcely daring to leave her son alone for longer than ten minutes. She didn't trust Frank on his own anymore and it was making his life harder and harder.

Frank felt suffocated by her constant presence and although he knew his mother was just looking out for him because she loved him and she was scared for his life, Frank was beginning to resent her for it.

At first she had tried to force Frank to come with her to walk Mama. However, he had flat out refused to leave the house and Linda had been forced to go after Mama had begun whining and scratching at the door helplessly. Knowing that her son was stubborn and once he had made up his mind about something it couldn’t be changed, Linda left the house, stressed and annoyed with Mama running at her heels.

Frank knew that his mom would be back within ten minutes and would be praying that her son was safe the whole time she was gone.

                                                                                                -

The phone screen lit up as Keith Morris sang, displaying a number Frank wasn’t familiar with. Then again, he only had about five contacts in his phone and even then one of them was his mom’s. He wasn’t exactly popular and he didn’t exactly love texting or talking on the phone either, so having friends that rarely did either, suited him fine.

Frank answered the phone lazily and immediately felt his face heat up when he recognized the voice begin to speak on the end of the line. “Hey Frank, it’s Gerard. Remember, from the other night?”

Frank’s faced burned as he racked his brains, desperately trying to figure out 1) why Gerard was calling him and 2) why he even had his number in the first place.

A memory came to mind and Frank vaguely remembered Gerard giving his mom his business card with his work number and the address of his office displayed on it before quickly tearing a page from his yellow legal pad and scrawling his number on the page and passing it to Frank, telling him “in case it’s an emergency, you feel like doing something bad again, or you know, if you just need to talk.”

Frank was glad he was alone at that moment as his face began to flush. His mom seeing his reaction to hearing Gerard’s voice would be more than embarrassing, that’s for sure. He didn’t even know why he was blushing so badly; it wasn’t like he liked Gerard.

Sure he was nice to him, really nice in fact, but he probably just felt sorry for him. He had just tried to kill himself after all. Besides, Gerard was a doctor and Frank was still in school.

Gerard was probably in his late twenties or early thirties or something even though he didn’t look a day over twenty, surely he wouldn’t have still for silly little school boys and their problems.

                                                                                                -

“Oh…Um, uh…Hey?” answered Frank, trying to keep his confusion as to why Gerard was calling him out of his voice. He guessed it hadn’t really worked when he heard Gerard laugh on the other end of the line.

“Hey,” Gerard said again, a smile evident in his voice. “I just called to remind you that you have an appointment tomorrow. I didn’t want you to forget. You remember where my office is, right? I told you before you left. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't remember though. You were pretty out of it.”

Frank guessed Gerard was right. He probably was pretty out of it at that stage because he didn't even remember Gerard arranging a definite appointment for them to meet, let alone Gerard telling him where his office was located.

Frank didn't want Gerard to know that though. He wanted to seem like he was in control. Instead he made a mental note to dig through his mom’s purse when he got off the phone and figure out where Gerard’s office was. He wasn’t letting his mom drive him there, not for anything. The only thing worse than having an appointment at a psychiatrist’s office was having your mom brings you to your appointment at a psychiatrist’s office.

                                                                                                -

Frank nodded to himself before realizing Gerard couldn’t seem him over the phone. “Oh, uh yeah, yeah, I do,” he replied hastily, flustered, his face flushing even more which he hadn’t even thought was possible at that stage.

Frank felt like his face was on fire. Even though he couldn’t even see Gerard over the phone, his voice was enough. It was strangely attractive, even without a body attached to it. It was the type of voice that was comforting without being patronizing and Frank just wanted Gerard to keep talking, feeling like it calmed him.

He slipped down onto the sofa he had been sitting on to get more comfortable, secretly hoping Gerard would want to have a full conversation.

Frank hated speaking on the phone, every one of his friends and family knew that about him, but in this case he’d suffer through it. Already he wanted to hear what Gerard’s voice was like when it wasn’t being solemn, but when it was being light and carefree. Frank had already gotten a chuckle out of Gerard, and now he wanted a laugh.

                                                                                                -

“Ok, good,” Gerard replied “I’m glad. So I’ll see you tomorrow Frank, okay?” asked Gerard, sounding like he was asking for reassurance more than anything else.

Frank started to nod again before he caught himself and answered Gerard probably. “Uh, yes. You will.” Frank could almost hear the grin in Gerard’s voice when he answered him.

“I’m glad. And please, don’t sound so nervous. It’s just therapy. It’s not so scary once you get going, and I’m just some random guy, remember, I’m no one to be scared of.” Gerard’s words were meant to comfort Frank but they just made him more nervous. Gerard was anything but some random guy. He was a nice guy, and Frank wanted to tell him that. But he knew he’d come out of it sounding like a bumbling idiot so he stayed quiet, not even bothering to assure Gerard he had plenty of experience with therapy before. Instead Frank stayed quiet.

After a few seconds Gerard’s voice came from the other end of the phone, more serious this time, more quiet. “You can tell me anything, you know.” For some reason those words scared Frank.

“Yes,” was all he mumbled in reply, before quickly hanging up the phone and swallowing hard. “But I won’t.”

                                                                                                -

Although he did not want to speak to another doctor for as long as he lived, if Frank absolutely had to speak to one, he was glad it would be Gerard.

Something about the older man with his raven hair and his hoodie that smelt like cigarette smoke comforted him. He didn’t look old enough to be a doctor.

He just looked like one of those slightly older kids that would go to the same parties as Frank and buy beer for the younger kids. Something about that comforted him, and although Frank knew Gerard probably wasn’t one of those kids, at least not at the parties he’d been to, he still felt slightly safer in Gerard’s hands.

Something told him they were the same in a lot of ways. Frank couldn’t quite pinpoint why he felt that way but the thought was enough alone.

One day he’d find out more about him and figure out if his theories were correct.

Frank barely remembered the night he crashed his car and so that made it distinctly harder to remember what Gerard looked like. You would have thought something so horribly scarring would have left its mark of Frank’s mind forever, but truth be told, he was out of it on so many pain meds by the time he’d met Gerard he could barely remember a thing.

All he remembered was a mess of raven black hair, and the way Gerard talked slightly more with the right side of his mouth. Frank knew it was a habit Gerard had accumulated by speaking with a cigarette in his mouth. He had seen so many other people doing the same thing, but it had never been cute the way it was with Gerard.

                                                                                                -

Thinking about Gerard’s appearance caused Frank to look down at himself.

For the past few days he had been lounging around, either curled up in bed or hanging out of his bedroom window chain smoking cigarette after cigarette. He had been wearing the same few clothes and hadn’t showered in days, much less washed his hair. He was perfectly aware that his hair was sticking up at all angles at this stage, and not with any hair gel or product, but with grease. Ew.

Frank made a mental note to shower in the morning, knowing if he didn’t do it soon, his mom would have no qualms in throwing him in there herself.

He also began to go through an inventory of his clothes in his mind, wondering what was clean, what was dirty and what was passable.

He was a mess but he didn’t want to appear that way to Gerard, at least not anymore.

Frank didn’t know why he was suddenly bothered about what he looked like considering he had started to look homeless over the last few days.

He just knew that there was something inside him that desperately wanted Gerard to like him and Frank knew that a shower and some clean clothes could only help his case.


	4. Chapter Four

Frank woke up the next day and immediately wanted to roll over and die. Either that or just sleep for an eternity. One thing he knew for definite was he definitely didn’t want to get up today and face Gerard or the therapy that he was offering Frank, or rather forcing him into.

He lay in bed, willing himself to fall back asleep, until his mom eventually entered his room and coaxed him out of bed. Frank trudged to the bathroom and took his first shower in a few days, hating how exhausted and heavy-hearted he felt. His head thumped with another random headache, one of many since he had gotten depressed.

                                                                                                -

Hoping a shower would wake him up a bit (but secretly knowing it wouldn’t), Frank turned the water to scolding hot and stood under the shower head, watching as his tattooed but pale skin turned pink under the heat of the water.

He turned his head in the direction of the shower head and closed his eyes, letting the water slide over his face and flatten his now wet hair over his face.

Frank was brought back to attention by the water hitting his cuts. He hissed and pulled his thighs away from the water, turning his back to the steady stream and trying to blink back his tears.

                                                                                                -

He washed his body quickly, carefully avoiding his searing skin, then washed his hair, letting his fingers tug through its knots and pulling some out in the process.

Frank looked at the strands of hair in his fingers and sighed. Even his hair was a mess. His life would be laughable if it wasn't so tragic. Frank thrust his fingers under the shower head and let the water rinse away the stray hairs, wishing he could go down the drain with them.

He stood under the stream of water for a while longer until the water gradually got colder and colder. When he could no longer stand the temperature, he turned the shower off and stepped out.

Wrapping a nearby towel around his waist and dumping his dirty clothes in the washing basket, he left the room before the steam that coated the bathroom mirror could clear.

He didn't want to face the reflection he hated so much.</p>

                                                                                                -

<p>Frank reached the safety of his bedroom, where there were no mirrors to fear or shy away from, and dumped the towel on the floor.

He pulled on a black t shirt and some skinny jeans. Once he was dressed, Frank rubbed the wet towel through his even wetter hair for a minute or so, before grabbing a hoodie and shrugging it on.

Frank was halfway downstairs when he realized he was wearing the hoodie Gerard had given him.

Frank smiled slightly to himself, realizing he had picked it up almost automatically and pulled the sleeves down over his hands before bringing them up to sniff Gerard’s comforting smell.

Frank had been wearing the hoodie a lot over the past few days and now Gerard and Frank’s respective smells were intermingled.</p>

                                                                                                -

<p>When Frank entered the kitchen, Linda turned around and gave him a small smile, her eyes glancing over at his hoodie and recognizing it as her co-worker’s.

Frank slipped into his usual seat at the kitchen table and scooped up Mama who was scrabbling at the legs on the chair, anxious to be picked up. Frank sat Mama up on his lap and smiled as she looked up at him, appreciatively licking his chin and looking around her, curious to observe everything at this new height.

Linda poured her son a cup of coffee, black the way he liked it, and set it down on the table beside him, placing one of his pills at the side of the mug. “Thanks.” muttered Frank, not meaning it at all.

He swallowed his words, wanting to comment on the fact that he was seventeen years old and could manage to take the pills himself; but he kept quiet. Frank and his mom had already had the same argument at least twice this week and Frank didn’t have the energy for another fight.

Frank just wished his mom would trust him enough to keep the pills in his room but he knew that right now that wasn’t going to happen.

He just had to accept the fact that for the moment his mom was going to keep his pills for the foreseeable future and dish them out to him at breakfast and dinner; making him feel like a child twice more than usual.<br />

                                                                                                -

Frank wanted to wait until his coffee had cooled down to take his pill but he knew his mom would see that as him resisting and being difficult and besides, he couldn’t stand the feel of her eyes on his back for a second longer.

Instead Frank blew on the coffee inside his cup to cool it and swallowed the pill with a gulp, scalding his tongue and wincing.

However, it was worth it when Linda turned away to the kitchen counter and grabbed her own coffee, satisfied.

At least she had stopped asking him to open his mouth and show her that he had taken them after a few days. Thank goodness for small miracles.

Linda sat down at the table with her own cup of coffee, this one with milk. She reached over to scratch Mama’s ears and turned to her son. “Frank, do you remember what today is?”</p>

<p>“It’s Friday.” Frank answered simply, causing Linda to roll her eyes, with both annoyance and fondness for her son. “Yes, okay, it’s Friday. But do you remember what you have to do today?” She leaned towards Frank, her elbows leaning on the table and her nails clasped around her mug of coffee, the once long nails now bitten to stubs.

“Yeah, mom,” answered Frank, fighting the urge to roll his eyes. He wasn’t twelve years old, honest. “I have that appointment thing with Ger-Doctor Way. He rang me yesterday to remind me,” Frank let the information in, trying to spite his mother but realizing what he had confessed might have sounded a little weird, just a little too late. Fortunately for him, his mother continued to sip for coffee blankly, unfazed.

“Yes, he told me that,” she said simply, leaving Frank to wonder what the hell she was talking about. Frank cocked his head to the side, questioning when his mother had spoken to his doctor.

Linda saw this and sighed, deciding to explain. “He rang me yesterday when I was walking Mama.”

Hearing her name, Mama looked from Frank to Linda, her small tongue hanging out of her mouth making her look permanently excited. Noticing Mama’s face, Linda smiled at her chubby little dog.

“Yes baby, mom’s talking about you,” she cooed at her before turning back to her son. “But yeah, he rang me yesterday. He said had just spoken to you beforehand. He thinks you’re probably going to be pretty nervous about the whole thing...Are you?” Linda asked, leaving the question open for Frank to answer.

Frank focused on hugging Mama to his chest to avoid looking his mom in the eye. He nodded. “Well yeah, I guess. Like, it’s been a while since I’ve done anything like this before, so…” he trailed off, unable to explain himself.

Linda nodded sympathetically. “I know sweetie, but it’ll be okay. People are always nervous before these things. This could really help you. You want that, don’t you?” She cocked her head to the side, waiting for his answer.</p>

<p>“I mean, I guess, but…Oh, never mind.” Frank trailed off. He wanted to convince his mom he was fine; he didn’t need to go to fucking therapy. He wanted to escape all this. It was all his fault that he was in this situation. He was the one that had fucked up, no one else. He cursed himself for fucking up the night he had crashed his car. He couldn’t even kill himself properly. What was up with that?!

Linda noticed Frank’s sudden change of mood and she looked at him worriedly, looking like she wanted to talk about this more but was cut off by Frank scraping his chair back and standing up from the table, Mama jumping off his lap. He glanced at the clock on the kitchen wall. It was 10AM. “What time’s the appointment or whatever at, mom?”</p>

<p>“Not till eleven, Frank,” she tried to reassure him. “We don’t have to leave just yet. It shouldn’t take that long to get there.”

Frank pulled a face, wanting to avoid his next question. “Oh…Right. The thing is…Can’t I, you know, just go by myself?” Frank blurted out.

His mom looked more curious than anything. “Why do you want to go by yourself Frank? Don’t you want me to drive you?”</p>

<p>“No, no it’s fine. I just…I’d like to walk if that’s alright, clear my head, give me a bit of time to think. I mean, you said it’s not far, so…” he trailed off, waiting for his mom’s response.

She looked up to him. “I suppose I can see why you’d want some time alone after we’ve both been stuck in the house together these past few days, but I’m sure you can see it from my point of view as well Frank. I don’t want you on your own, especially not in a car. I’m sure you can understand that, right? Can I trust you, Frank? If I let you go on your own you will go, won’t you? I won’t get a call saying you never turned up, will I? Because if I do, I know I won’t be able to trust you anymore. This is your one chance to make you believe you’ll be okay on your own, alright?”

Frank nodded. “Yeah, I will. I mean you won’t. Ugh, you know what I mean.” Frank resisted the urge to roll his eyes at his mom. “I’ll go. I promise. I just want some time on my own.”

She sighed. “Okay, Frank. I’ll trust you this once but if you do anything, they’ll be war. And don’t go anywhere near my car!”</p>

 

<p>“Thanks, mom,” he replied, offering a small smile to his mother and voluntarily picking up a small piece of toast from the kitchen table which caused his mom to smile slightly.

“I’d better set off now if I want to get there on time. It’s gonna take a while to walk there and I don’t have a car anymore so…” He laughed awkwardly, his sense of humour failing to impress his mom. He stopped laughing when he caught sight of her blank expression. “Well…See you later.”<br />

“Come straight home after Frank, alright?” called his mother.” Wait, you remember where his office is, don’t you?” she worried.

“Yeah,” he replied. He had taken the business card Gerard had given his mom and it was sitting in his pocket, ready to lead him exactly where he didn’t want to go to talk about things he’d rather never speak of again.

“Bye mom,” Frank shouted over his shoulder and slammed the door after him.</p>

                                                                                                -

<p>He shoved his earphones in and walked past the house, not noticing his mom watching him from the sitting room window.

He ate a few bites of the toast on his way into the city, as Green Day blared in his ears, throwing the rest to the birds who littered the New Jersey streets.

Frank felt uncomfortable and on edge at being out in public for the first time in a few days. He knew he was being totally self-absorbed and ridiculous, but it was as if he could feel a thousand pairs of eyes on his back as he hurried along. He could almost hear the sneers of those around him; almost hear the whispers commenting on his hair, his weight; his tattoos.

He longed to be safe in his warm bed, covered with a mound of sheets instead of walking towards a therapy appointment with a doctor who made his heart beat faster than it should.

His heart began to beat faster and he began to feel sicker and sicker as he reached the building that contained Gerard’s office, the few bites of toast he had stomached, churning inside him.

He quickly reached the office building and pulled the door handle open with his clammy hands, feeling the warm air of the building flush his face.</p>

<p>Shit, this was it. He was fucking scared.</p>

                                                                                                -

<p>Frank made his way over to the receptionist’s desk and offered her a nervous smile. “Hi, can I help you?” she replied cheerily. She was pretty with long dark hair and Frank could just about make out a few tattoos almost covered up by her clothes.

“Uh yeah, I have an appointment with uh, Doctor Way?” replied Frank. It came out like more of a question than a statement and Frank felt his face flame with embarrassment at how awkward he was with people and the fact that he was at the building in the first place, waiting for a therapy appointment.

Frankly he was ashamed that he had let things get this bad again.

More so he was ashamed that people had found out.

Thankfully the receptionist didn’t notice Frank’s awkwardness, or just pretended not to. “Okay sweetie, can you tell me your name?”</p>

<p>“Frank. Iero,” he added as an afterthought. The receptionist typed something briefly, consulted the computer screen and looked back up at Frank, smiling encouragingly at Frank as he wrung his hands beside her.

“Okay, great. You can make your way upstairs in the elevator or on the stairs and I’ll ring Doctor Way to let him know you’ve arrived. His office is just on the third floor; you can’t miss it.”

Frank nodded gratefully at the woman in front of him then turned away towards the stairs.

Behind him the receptionist picked up the phone and began to call Gerard’s office. Watching the small teenager make his way over to the stairs with a dead look in his eyes and a heavy step, the receptionist’s heart ached with sympathy for him.

                                                                                                -

<p>Frank trudged his way up the stairs, his legs burning. He couldn’t explain why but he knew he’d feel guilty if he took the elevator and disregarded the stairs.

He often got like this, feeling guilty for no particular reason. Sometimes it got so overwhelming that Frank felt like he was going to explode. He would listen to loud heavy music to try and block out his thoughts of inadequacy and guilt but most of the time it was useless.

He couldn’t shake the voices in his head telling him that he was pathetic, useless, and worthless. He didn’t deserve to. He deserved every insult they hurled at him, knowing he felt the same way about himself.

                                                                                                -

Frank reached the third floor in minutes and made his way to the waiting room of Gerard’s office.

Although the room was quite big Frank felt suffocated with nerves.

Needing something to focus on, Frank tried to steady his breathing and looked around the room. It was painted cream and a few pictures of supposedly calming scenes hung on the walls; a beach, a park, a lake. Several potted plants stood in each corner and chairs lined two sides of the room, the chairs on one side parallel to the chairs on the other side.

The room was empty at that moment, something Frank was extremely glad about.

With the way the chairs were situated Frank knew that if the room was full, the people in the room would not be able to avoid looking at each other. That was why, Frank supposed, there was a large wooden table in the centre of the room filled with magazines of all kinds.</p>

                                                                                                -

<p>Frank took a seat in the middle of the room and sat picking at the nail varnish on his fingers. He had no idea what was going on in the other side of the room, if Gerard was with someone right now or if Frank was supposed to walk right in.

Frank had some experience of therapy; mostly from a few years previously. He was pretty sure he was supposed to wait until someone came to get him so that was exactly what he did.

Frank had been waiting for just under ten minutes when he heard the voices in the room next to him rising in what sounded like friendly laughter.

About a minute later a thin woman with long black hair exited the room followed by Gerard. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a white shirt with a black waistcoat that clung to his frame and was laughing appreciatively at something the woman had just said. She smiled at Gerard as she bid him goodbye, walking past Frank without looking at him, her heels clicking on the wooden floor as she left, the clicking nose petering away as she got further and further away.

Gerard smiled fondly at the woman who had just left his room. His eyes then clicked onto Frank and his smile grew slightly wider.

“Frank, hi. I hope you weren’t waiting there long?” he asked, sounding slightly guilty.

Frank shook his head and smiled nervously at Gerard, saying nothing.

Gerard accepted Frank’s silence and opened his office door wider, gesturing for Frank to enter. “Come on in then. Sit down where ever you want.”</p>

                                                                                                -

<p>The room was relatively bigger than the waiting room. It was also painted cream but it was bright and airy, with a window overlooking the New Jersey streets taking up the whole of one wall. A large mahogany desk sat in front of the large window with a well-worn arm chair placed behind it. Bookshelves filled with well-thumbed psychology textbooks littered the shelves and a few rugs were laid out on the wooden floor. A few chairs were placed in front of Gerard’s desk as well as two couches facing each other in the middle of the room.

Overall the room was warm and welcoming, not at all like Frank expected. However the filing cabinet and the huge pile of case files on Gerard’s desk were enough to remind Frank that this was a psychiatrist’s office and not just someone’s study or home office.</p>

                                                                                                -

<p>Gerard took a seat at his desk and waited for Frank to take a seat in front of him before he began to group some papers together in an attempt to clear the desk.

Frank noticed a few drawings in between the mound of papers and old coffee cups which struck his interest.

The wastepaper basket next to Gerard’s desk was also filled with more papers, as well as what looked like sandwich wrapper. From the crumbs on his desk, it was obvious Gerard had been having lunch before Frank had arrived.

_But why would he be having lunch with that woman? She must have been one of his patients, right?_

Frank told himself that Gerard had just been running late, shaking his head and wondering why he even cared so much.

“Sorry about the mess,” Gerard said apologetically. “I’ve have no time to myself to clean up lately. I’m just working, like all the time. It’s hard to get a break when you’re in this kind of a job. It’s pretty demanding. I love it though.” Gerard stopped shuffling papers and fixed Frank with a reassuring, truthful smile that only said one thing – _Even though my job is demanding, I wouldn’t change what I do for the world_.

Frank felt reassured by that.</p>

                                                                                                -

<p>Gerard grabbed a clipboard from his desk and ripped off the sheet that had previously occupied it. He shoved the paper into a nearby file before reaching into a draw in his desk and pulling out yet another sheet. He attached the sheet to the clipboard and poised a pen above it.

“Okay,” he smiled at Frank. “Let’s start.”</p>


	5. Chapter Five

“So Frank, firstly I just want to ask you a few questions.”

Frank nodded but avoided looking into Gerard’s eyes, instead flicking his eyes from the ground to the door to the clipboard in Gerard’s hands.

Gerard quickly noticed this, and tried to reassure Frank. “Don’t worry about the clipboard Frank,” Gerard reassured him lowering the board to look at him. “These are just some assessment questions to see how you’ve been doing since we last spoke. I won’t be using it for our usual sessions.” He laughed.

“I know it makes people uncomfortable. It’d make me worry too if I saw someone I barely knew scribbling down everything I said. Don’t worry though; I’m sure I won’t have to write anything too bad.” He winked at Frank, a friendly gesture with the aim of making Frank feel more uncomfortable.

Instead Frank almost choked because of the shock of it.

                                                                                                -

Suddenly Gerard got serious. “Do you understand why you’re here today?” he asked, fixing Frank was a look that caused a shiver down his back.

All Frank could do was swallow hard and nod.

“Why?” Gerard persisted.

Fucking hell, Frank thought. What is with all this guy’s questions? We already know why I’m here.

His brain screamed at him to lie, trying to convince Frank to tell Gerard it was all one big misunderstanding; that his hands had slipped off the brakes.

He didn’t want to die, not at all.

Frank didn’t often listen to his brain.

“I tried to kill myself,” he admitted.

Now wasn’t the time to lie. He was trapped, everyone already knew what he did. Now was the time to admit what he had done, pretend to be remorseful, attempt to ‘get better’ and when everyone was finally off his back, he’d try again, and he would get it right this time.

Gerard nodded. “Some people don’t like admitting they tried to end their lives. They’re embarrassed that they’ve failed, and so they either do two things, either deny it happened at all, or pretend that they’re totally over it. I’m glad you admitted it. You’re on the right track. We’ll talk about why you tried to do that soon, but right now I need to ask the rest of my questions. Now last week I asked you to start taking some pills. That doesn’t usually happen so quickly unless someone tries to kill them self like you did, then we have to intervene as quickly as possible to sort the person’s mood out long enough for us to treat them. I want to ask you some questions to see how the pills are affecting you and to determine if you’re going to have to take them in the long term. Is that okay?”

Frank nodded, bouncing his legs off the ground nervously.

Gerard smiled. “Okay, great. So, how’ve you been sleeping Frank?”

Frank resisted the urge to lie once again, forcing himself to tell the truth. “I’ve been sleeping a lot. I’m tired like all the time. Sometimes I even find it really hard to keep my eyes open.”

Frank spoke quietly, his voice cracking slightly. Gerard nodded and ticked something off on the clipboard. “That’s a normal reaction. Hopefully it should subside in a few weeks. How about before you started taking the pills? Did you sleep a lot then?”

Frank nodded. “Yeah; I’ve always had trouble sleeping. I’d either over sleep or just stay up all night. I’d be tired but I just couldn’t…just couldn’t sleep.”

Gerard nodded again. “So has this left you with too much energy or not much at all?”

Frank sighed and rubbed his hand over his face, stressed out. ‘Definitely not much at all,” he decided. “I don’t have much energy at all. Everything is pretty much exhausting for me, even the tiniest or simplest things, and no matter how much sleep I get I’m still tired.”

“But surely you still have things you want to get up for, right? Things you’re interested in?” Gerard prompted, even though he knew what the answer would most likely be as it was for most kids he saw dealing with depression. He got the answer he expected.

“No. Not really. I haven’t been doing much of anything lately, not even the things I used to enjoy. I haven’t been playing my guitar lately and it makes me feel so guilty. Sometimes I think I don’t even deserve to do the things I enjoy, so the rare times I do have energy to read or play guitar, I don’t. You know, to punish myself.”

Gerard nodded, saddened by Frank’s words but needing to ask the rest of his questions, knowing that Frank might not be this open again. “Do you often feel like that Frank; guilty for no particular reason or angry at yourself for things that wouldn’t matter to most people?”

“Yeah,” Frank answered simply, jiggling his foot on the floor in an attempt to chase away the nerves. “I do.”

“And these feelings of guilt and anger, they would drive you to harm yourself, is that right?” Gerard asked, not even looking up from his clipboard. Frank flinched. He really didn’t want to talk about that. Really, really didn’t want to talk about it.

He hated the way Gerard said it so flippantly, not even looking up from his sheet. Yeah it might not be a big deal to him anymore; yeah he might have heard it all a thousand times before; he was a psychiatrist after all. But to say the words as if it didn’t matter, as if it hadn’t singularly wrecked Frank’s entire life, and caused him more pain than he could ever imagine, more emotionally than physically, well that upset him.

His leg began to bounce off the floor even harder and his heart beat sped up. He felt like he was gonna throw up. “I don’t want to talk about this.” He whispered.

Gerard placed the clip board which was now filled with black scrawls and leant towards Frank who was cowering into himself and biting his lip viscously.

“Frank, I don’t want to upset you, I really don’t but I need to ask these things to understand where you’re at and help you to the best of my ability.” Frank nodded but was still upset.

                                                                                                -

He hadn’t realised how much therapy would scare him and as he sat looking at Gerard, his heart was hammering. He felt like a rabbit pursued by a pack of hunting dogs.

Oblivious to this, Gerard continued asking his question, asking softy, “Would you mind showing me your arms Frank? I just want to assess the damage to see how badly you’ve been cutting.”

He said it like it was nothing, as if it was an okay thing to ask. Clearly Gerard thought it was. Frank, obviously, did not. Frank looked like he was about to faint. His heart began to pound and his chest tightened.

Suddenly the enormity of what he was doing hit him. He was sitting here telling his secrets to a total stranger who had the authority to lock him up or send him away.

What the hell was he doing?

Frank’s stomach began to cramp and he stood up shakily.

Oh god.

Oh god.

The pressure of Gerard’s questions combined with the first proper bit of food he had eaten within a day or two, got to Frank. He felt like his throat was going to close up as his head spun. “I’m gonna…Oh god, I think I’m gonna…” Frank held his hand up to his mouth and his eyes began to search desperately for an exit out of the room.

Noticing this, Gerard leapt up and dashed over to Frank. He placed his hand on the small of Frank’s back and guided him towards a door in the side of the room that Frank hadn’t noticed before.

Gerard opened to door to reveal a small bathroom and ushered Frank in. Frank slumped down in front of the toilet and held onto the sides of the seat to steady himself, his clammy hands slipping.

He began to throw up the contents of his stomach, which really wasn’t much at all. Pathetically he retched and gagged into the toilet bowl whilst holding his stomach.

When he was sure he could throw up no more, he rested his head against his arms and sighed in utter exhaustion.

Gerard who had been watching him with a concerned look and biting his lip began to rub Frank’s back once again and cooed at him sympathetically.

After a few minutes of Frank breathing heavily over the toilet bowl Gerard helped him stand shakily to him feet. He led him back into the main office whilst rubbing his hand up and down Frank’s back then brought him over to his chair.

Gerard leant over his desk and spoke into the intercom. “Hey Alicia, can you bring some tea up, please? …Yeah, he’s not feeling too good. He threw up…Yeah, I know…Ok great, thanks.”

                                                                                                -

A minute or so later the receptionist Frank had met earlier, _Alicia_ , he reminded himself, entered the room with a streaming mug of tea and pressed the warm tea in Frank’s hands, smiling at him sympathetically. “Here you go honey.” Frank looked up in surprise, having been in a world of his own. “Oh, thank you.” He smiled weakly at the girl in front of him and gratefully took a sip of the tea.

Gerard who was leaning up against his desk nodded in approval and smiled appreciatively at the receptionist, murmuring something to her before she left the room.

“That should settle your stomach,” he said softly, nodding towards the tea clasped in Frank’s hands. “I’m really sorry about this Frank. I didn’t mean to push you like that. I shouldn’t have done it.”

Frank looked up at Gerard who looked horribly guilty and felt even worse for making him upset.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” he said, blushing softly, embarrassed. “That’s never happened to me before; I guess I was just nervous.”

"I’d like to talk to you more about your…” he paused, “self-harm… but I don’t want to push you anymore,” Gerard said quietly.

Frank noticed a hint of regret and guilt in his voice that he was desperately trying to keep out. “We can continue this next week.”

                                                                                                -

Frank glanced over at the clock wondering if he had really spent a whole hour puking his guts up. Gerard noticed this. “There’s still time left in the session but I asked Alicia to call your mom; I didn’t want to push you anymore this week. She knows what happened, she’s worried.”

 _Of course she is_ , thought Frank.

_She always is._

Frank leant his against the back of his chair and closed his eyes, wanting a minute to himself before he left. He needed to prepare himself for head the abundance of questions that his mother would inevitably fling at him the moment he got in the car.

                                                                                                -

Frank’s mom soon arrived to pick Frank up, all flustered questions and worried looks at her son. She came and left within ten minutes, ushering Frank out with her and thanking her friend for taking care of him.

                                                                                                -

Gerard went through the rest of the day immersing himself in his work, or at least trying to. Try as he might, the young doctor was unable to lose the image of the young tattooed boy he had seen that morning from his head.

He wasn't sure he wanted to anyway.

                                                                                                -

The next few days passed quickly.

All of a sudden it was Sunday evening and Frank was sitting on his bed surrounded by school work.

Bob and Ray had been texting him the homework throughout the week and like the idiot he was, he had left it all until the very last minute.

Although his mom had assured him his teachers would not expect Frank to have any of the work done; Frank was determined to finish at least some of it. He didn’t want to arrive at school having nothing done and feeling overwhelmed as soon as he entered his first class.

He knew that his teachers knew why he had been absent from school, yet he didn’t want to appear totally helpless to them. And yet as he sat on his bed surrounded by the work he had yet to do, overwhelmed was exactly how he felt. He sat with his head in his heads and pushed the books away.

Fuck it. He’d be a failure like always.

                                                                                                -

He glanced at the clock and saw that it was already midnight. He knew he wouldn’t get anymore done that night.

Frank sighed and turned over in his bed, letting some of the books fall to the floor.

He didn’t bother to get changed, or brush his teeth or even turn out the light.

He simply pulled the covers over his head and stared at the wall, trying not to focus on the light surrounding him.

He knew he should get up and turn off the light but the thought of actually having to get out of bed and walk on his aching bones was too much to handle. He simply squeezed his eyes shut, and refused to open them, meaning thankfully, he was asleep within minutes.

                                                                                                -

Frank woke a few hours later from a nightmare.

His hands were clammy and he had an instant headache.

He noticed the sun streaming through the window and he glanced at his alarm clock, trying to make out the flashing lights in the dark. The tiny red figures told him it was just past 5AM.

In the night someone had turned his light off and pulled the blankets around his shoulder. Mama had also found her way into his room in the night and was sleeping soundly at Frank’s feet.

Frank sighed, realising once he was up, he was up for good. Although his eyes were heavy with sleep and he’d like nothing more than to fall back asleep, he knew it would be pointless, so instead he leant over his bed and picked up a random school book, flipping to the page he wanted and grabbing a pen.

He spent the next two hours biting his pen and floundering in work whilst smoking cigarette after cigarette, the smoke clouding his room and seeping out into the hallway.

                                                                                                -

It was half past seven when his mom came to wake him up. She was surprised to see him already awake and surrounded by books but didn’t comment on it.

Frank was both surprised and annoyed when he realised how much time had passed but was still dissatisfied with the amount of work he had gotten done. He had decided to start on the assignments that were due that day and planned to do the rest another time but had still barely scratched the surface of all the work that was.

He knew his mom was right, and that he wouldn’t be expected to have his work in on time like everyone else but he was still annoyed, thinking that this was one more thing that made him a failure.

He gave a grunt of anger and pushed his books to the floor in annoyance and began to get ready.

He took a shower in the hopes that it would wake him up, however he was still surrounded by a fog of fatigue when he trudged down to the kitchen in search of coffee. He sat slumped in his seat clutching a steamy mug of coffee and taking small careful bites out of a red apple.

He was wearing his usual skinny jeans and his battered black converse as well as a Black Flag t shirt with a long sleeved gray t shirt underneath. He took the pill his mother gave him and dumped the rest of the apple into the bin, not having the energy to eat the rest of it.

He ignored the disapproving look his mother gave him and sloped out of the door.

Checking the clock, he realised he was running late so he made his way upstairs to pack his bag.

                                                                                                -

He dipped into his bathroom on the way down stairs and studied his face in the mirror for a few seconds. He couldn’t help but sigh at what he saw, feeling more disheartened than ever.

In the time since the accident he had somehow become even paler than before as well as gaining a few spots to his normally clear skin. He had bags under his eyes that were larger than ever before and he looked absolutely drained. His hair was limp and looked greasy even though he was showered the night before.

Although he didn’t die the night he had tried to kill himself, it was as if the life had drained out of him all the same.

Frank tutted in self-disgust at his reflection and left the bathroom, unable to bear looking at his reflection a minute longer.

                                                                                                -

He grabbed his school bag and trotted down the stairs, calling goodbye softly to his mom before slamming the door.

He fished his earphones from his pocket and plugged them into his iPod then jammed them into his ears and turned on some Smashing Pumpkins.

The walk to school took about twenty minutes and Frank had about ten minutes to get there however he couldn’t walk faster even if he wanted to; he was just too tired.

He probably should have left the house earlier or even accepted the offer his mom had given him the night before to drive him to school but it was too late now. Frank normally would have driven to school himself in his own car and used to extra few minutes he saved to spend a few more minutes in bed.

However, that wasn’t an option anymore as he didn’t have a car right now for obvious reasons and he didn’t want to accept his mom’s offer to drive him because 1), he was a teenager and therefore embarrassed by his parents in every single way by everything they did, and 2), he didn’t want to bother his mom.

She usually started work a little later than Frank started school so he didn’t want to disturb the on time of the day she got to be alone for a few minutes in an empty house to do whatever she wanted, whether it was to sleep or wake up earlier to do a few chores before she left about an hour after Frank.

                                                                                                -

That morning she had disregarded her lie in to make sure her son took his pills and actually went to school.

She knew Frank had often stayed off school in the past for days at a time, leaving the house to ‘go to school’ and come back when he was sure she was gone. He hadn’t been caught yet.

Linda was determined not to let that happen again.

Similarly, Frank knew he could easily hang around the town until his mom left for work then come straight home as soon as he was sure she was gone. He knew he could do this but this time he decided he wouldn’t. He knew his mom would probably ring up his school just in case and surely find out he wasn’t there.

He couldn’t face her disappointed face yet again. He knew she was close to giving up on him but he was determined not to let that happen. He destroyed himself from his depression but he was determined not to destroy his mother.

                                                                                                -

Frank reached the school far sooner than he’d have liked. He shuffled to his locker keeping his eyes focused on the floor the whole time. He reached his locked and was quietly shoving his books inside when he was ambushed and shoved forcefully into the locker.

Frank swallowed hard, trying not to cry out from the pain of the impact of the locker against his shoulder. He braced himself for whatever onslaughts of insults were coming his way

 Instead he heard the goofy laughter of Bob who was sounding very happy about hurting Frank and the irritated sounds of Ray chiding Bob for hurting Frank.

The bell went and Frank rolled his eyes at Bob’s childish humour and Ray’s need to protect him, and fell into step with his two friends as they made their way to their first class.

It was History and Frank was happier than ever that the class would be spent with his two friends.

The day passed with Bob’s jokes that were so bad they were almost good and Ray’s excited chatter about the new guitar riff he had learnt. They didn’t ask much about Frank’s absence and for that he was glad. The few questions they did ask, Frank was able to give them short, non-specific answers that they seemed satisfied with.

                                                                                                -

As usual, Frank skipped lunch to smoke, hoping it would ease his anxiety which was at an all-time high from being back in school.

                                                                                                -

Throughout the day he didn’t miss the concerned looks from his teachers and the carefully measured actions they took around him, such as handing him a worksheet ever so carefully as if the slightest thing would set him off.

It made Frank sick, and he cringed inwardly every time he made eye contact with a teacher, knowing exactly what they were thinking.

                                                                                                -

Despite this and the quickened beating in his heart every time he was around too many people at once or in a class without Ray or Bob, he spent the majority of the day nestled in between his two friends as they told jokes or made fun of each other.

Frank was nervous, jittery and undeniably sad throughout the entire day, however his friends beside him made Frank’s day slightly more bearable.


	6. Chapter Six

It had been about four weeks since Frank had gone back to school.

He was finding everything pretty hard.

He had no time to do all his work and study for class tests and even if he did have enough time, he had no energy for it.

He spent his days at school floundering in work that he didn’t understand and couldn’t be bothered to try to, and nights alone in his room chain smoking cigarette after cigarette, rushing through his homework often not finishing it or doing it so badly he wondered why he had even bothered.

Frank spent the weekends shut up in his room strumming on his old guitar listlessly, wishing he had the motivation to play like he used to.

                                                                                                -

Every so often there would be a party and Frank would sneak out as soon as he was sure his mom had fallen asleep, spending the night drowning his sorrows with beer after beer and avoiding those that provided them.

Frank noticed that Ray and Bob disapproved of him going to the parties but neglected to say anything about it, knowing it would get them nowhere.

Instead they kept an eye on his alcohol consumption, kept him out of fights and when the sun was slowly rising on the horizon they would take the beer out of his hand and drag him out of the party, driving home and letting him crash on the floor of their bedrooms and sleep until past twelve.

They would tolerate his hangover and kindly pretend they hadn’t heard him waking from his sleep and crying piteously in to his pillow.

He would arrive home in the evenings and slope off to his room and into his bed, knowing he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep but preferring to face the wall all night than to face his mom’s disappointed face.

She had practically given up on her son at this stage.

He was barely eating and drinking enough to kill a man. He wouldn’t talk to her at all anymore and he was spiralling faster than he ever had done before.

Frank’s mom had let him manage his medication by himself after about two weeks and was now regretting the decision enormously as she suspected Frank was ‘forgetting’ to take his medication practically every day.

He was.

He was also cutting more than ever but on his thighs as his mom had taken up the habit of checking his arms every day, much to his annoyance.

                                                                                                -

Frank was also going to see Gerard every Friday as was arranged.

He felt as though he might as well not bother though.

He knew however, if he didn’t go see Gerard, this whole thing would be taken out of his hands.

Gerard had the power in this situation and that power could land Frank in the hospital if it looked like he wasn’t co-operating.

He wouldn’t be able to stand that.

Frank knew he would rather die than be sent away like that.

He was miserable now but being miserable in a hospital was another thing entirely.

However, Frank knew that even though he was being made to see Gerard on a weekly basis, he didn’t have to actually talk to him.

No one could physically make him move his mouth and speak. Frank was pretty happy with this arrangement and was determined to stick to it, much to Gerard’s annoyance.

                                                                                                -

It was Friday and Frank sloped into Gerard’s office, watching the pretty black haired woman walk out of the office and past him as usual.

Frank crossed the room and sat in his usual seat, staring blankly back at Gerard who smiled at him.

Gerard was extremely annoyed at Frank’s unwillingness to get better but was obviously unable to show it.

He received calls from his mother every week updating him on how Frank had been doing that week. She spoke of parties and drinking and staying out all night. Frank’s mom also told Gerard about the late night crying that she couldn’t help but hear and told Gerard that although she was checking Frank’s arms every morning and there were no new cuts, she was sure he was still finding a way to do it somewhere she couldn’t see.

She also expressed concern that Frank had started to stop taking his medication.

It was obvious that Frank was on a huge downward spiral and was doing nothing to stop it.

Gerard was determined for that to stop and the sooner the better.  


                                                                                                -

He faced the young boy in front of him.

Frank looked tired and pretty angry, like he couldn’t wait to get this over with.

“So, how have you been?” Gerard asked, hoping for any other answer than ‘Fine.’

The room was silent for a few seconds before Frank spoke, sounding bitter and angry. “…Fine.”

Gerard sighed internally. That was not a good sign. He didn’t want this session to go like the last few, with Frank telling Gerard he was fine despite looking anything but and refusing to so much as nod or shake his head at Gerard’s questions.

Gerard wanted to bang his head off his desk; instead he looked Frank in the eye and nodded.

“Right, okay Frank. You’re fine. That’s great. I’m glad.”

Frank nodded, although he was puzzled.

_Was Gerard finally buying his act?_

_Would he finally be able to stop going to therapy?_

                                                                                                -

His heart sank when Gerard continued, “So fine that you’ve been totally ignoring your family, your friends, and your responsibilities? So fine that you’ve been sneaking out if the house every weekend and drinking till you’re nearly dead, scaring your mother and your friends half to death? Oh yeah, she told me. Don’t think she doesn’t know. And I’m sure you’re so fine that you’ve been cutting all the time whilst telling your mom you’ve stopped? Hmm? So fine that you’ve stopped taking your medication even though that is the one thing that could really help you right now? I can only do so much, Frank. We’re trying to help you and you’re just throwing it back in our faces. I’m sure that you think you’re fine, Frank, so fine that you don’t need those pills or these therapy sessions? Am I right?”  


Frank nodded, slightly scared at Gerard’s outburst. Gerard was not shouting but talking fast and angrily, and somehow that was worse.

“Well let me tell you something, Frank. You are not okay. You’re not okay! You tried to kill yourself, remember? I’m pretty sure that attempting to take your own life is not constituted as being okay. You might want to try to hide from this, but you can’t, okay? You’ve got to accept was has happened and try to move on from it. I’ve seen so many people’s lives ruined from anxiety and depression and eating disorders. I’m sure they’d give anything to be in the position you’re in right now, Frank. Right back at the start, getting the opportunity to stop it all before it became too late. You have an opportunity to stop this Frank, before it is too late; before you die from this. Don’t think I’m exaggerating, cause I’m not. If you carry on like this, you will die; most probably by your own hand. I can’t let that happen, Frank. I’ve seen it happen too many times before. But I can’t help you if you don’t let me, if you don’t tell me how you really feel.”

Gerard ended his rant slightly breathless, all his anger pouring out into that one speech.

He looked at Frank, waiting for his reaction.

The boy in front of him was now harbouring his own anger.

Frank angrily wiped his watery eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie and glared at Gerard angrily.

“You want to know how I feel? Really? Right, fuck it, fuck you. Here it is. I didn’t want to live and I think that was pretty fucking obvious but here I am, alive. I didn’t want to fucking be here anymore.” Frank spat, his anger showing properly for the first time since this incident. “I wanted to die and you all wouldn’t let me and it’s just…It’s not fair, you know? I didn’t particularly want to be born but dying isn’t even my choice anymore? Like, what’s up with that? I’m fucking miserable and it seems like everyone would just prefer that I stayed here, wanting to die and that’s somehow better cause I’m still technically alive, even though if I feel pretty much dead inside? Because that’s somehow better? I’m miserable but I’m here, I’m alive and I have to stay alive because the world doesn’t think it’s acceptable to die by your own hand? I should be allowed to die and you fuckers won’t let me!”

                                                                                                -

By the end of his outburst Frank was breathing heavily, his watery eyes showing he was about to cry. He turned away from Gerard as a tear rolled down his face.

He would normally have been embarrassed by crying in front of somebody but right now he was too angry to care. He quickly rubbed the tears away from his face roughly, the pressure causing his face to redden almost as much as his eyes which were now rimmed with tears that were threatening to spill over the edge.

“Why won’t you just let me die?”

                                                                                                -

Gerard felt his heart wrench at the sight of the boy in front of him.

Although he was trying to maintain a tough exterior at that moment, he was curled in on himself, tears running down his cheeks, sniffling and generally looking pretty pathetic.

“Oh, Frank.”

                                                                                                -

Gerard disregarded his clip board and pen and leapt from his seat. He made his way over to the chair Frank was perched on and sat on the arm of the chair, folding Frank’s now sobbing body into his chest.

Frank leant into Gerard’s embrace and continued sobbing against his warm body.

Gerard rubbed Frank’s back in soothing circles with one hand and stroked his hair with the other.

“Shh Frank, it’s okay. It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.” He murmured softly. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

                                                                                                -

After a few minutes of quiet sobbing Frank withdrew his head from Gerard’s body.

They both instantly missed the feeling of the other’s body folded into their own.

“Oh god”, Frank said apologetically, wiping his tears with the sleeves of his hoodie. “I’m sorry; I don’t know what came over me. I honestly don’t know where that came from.”

“Well I do. You’ve bottled up your emotions for so long that this was bound to happen sooner or later and actually, Frank, I’m glad it did. I know it’s awful having to put how you feel into words and facing how unhappy you are but the fact that you finally decided to tell me how you feel, really helps me a lot. Now I know how you feel I can do my best to help you…Assuming that is, that you do want my help? I want to help you; I can’t stand to see you this way. You deserve to be happy, I hope you know that. So you will accept my help won’t you, Frank?”

Frank looked at Gerard and nodded slightly before burying his head back into his therapist’s chest. Gerard sighed in relief, pleased that Frank had finally let out all his pent up feelings of anger. Gerard hoped he would now finally be able to start getting better.

                                                                                                -

They remained like that as Frank's sobbing lessened until he was mostly silent apart from the occasional sob or sniffle and Gerard was holding him just because.

Gerard continued to hold Frank until the hour was up and their session for that week was over, Frank returning the embrace by clinging to Gerard.

For some reason Gerard felt the need to protect the young boy who had his head buried into his chest, even if the only thing Frank needed protection from was himself.

                                                                                                -

When Frank left the office for another week his eyes were still red and his face was flushed, yet he offered Gerard a small smile as he left.

He felt slightly better, even if it was just from crying.

Gerard was pleased that Frank had finally let out all his pent up feelings of anger and hatred towards himself. He hoped that from then on, Frank would finally be able to start putting himself back together.

                                                                                                -

Because Frank had stopped taking his medication for so long, Gerard had decided to double the dose to get him back on track, meaning for a short period Frank would have to take two pills twice daily instead of one.

This left Frank feeling incredibly pissed off.

Yeah he was sad, yeah he was suicidal but Jesus Christ, he wasn’t that bad, was he?

Frank could hardly complain though, seeing as he had brought it on himself.

Gerard and Linda had been in talks and Frank’s mom was now in charge of Frank’s medication once again. It made Frank feel like he actually was in a psych ward but once again, he knew he had brought this on himself.

                                                                                                -

Frank’s mom also began to lock to doors and windows at night in an effort to stop Frank sneaking out to parties.

She would also go to bed later in the evenings to try and make sure Frank didn’t leave the house.

The lack of sleep was taking its toll on her. She started work as a nurse early and finished late and the fact that she was now getting even less sleep than before in a bid to stop her son’s self-destructive behaviours made Frank feel horribly guilty.

The guilt become so hard to bear that he forced himself to make a conscious effort to stop sneaking out to the late night parties.

                                                                                                -

However, spending the weekends cooped up inside under his mom’s watchful eyes made Frank want to climb up the walls. He began to smoke even more, missing the lack of drink he had been consuming for the past few weeks.

Often, he would hang about outside a liquor store and hope some random guy would take pity on him and buy him some alcohol with the money he waved at them.

Often, they would take pity on Frank who looked so tired and miserable and buy him a bottle or two of vodka with the money he pushed into their hands.

Frank would take the vodka down to his basement and drink it straight, finishing a bottle almost every night.

Spending his nights alone in his basement drinking away his sorrows often led to Frank cutting, often getting deeper and deeper as the nights went on.

                                                                                                -

Spending all his time at home alone and all his time at school feeling pretty disconnected from his friends left Frank actually looking forward to his weekly sessions with Gerard.

Frank would never admit this to anyone, though, as he knew how embarrassing it sounded. Frank would also never tell admit to his friends that he went to therapy, only perhaps by accident if he was particularly drunk. He was hoping that day would never come however. The thought of it accidentally slipping out whilst he was drunk caused his blood to run cold whenever he thought of it, leading him to distance himself from his friends whenever they ventured out to parties, and spending more time standing alone, nursing a glass, and cut off from those around him.

Also, in the mist of depression it was nice to talk to someone who actually understood what Frank was saying, or at least trying to say. His mom didn’t understand what Frank was dealing with on a daily basis but how could she if Frank barely understood it himself? All he knew was when he woke up he could be relatively happy or he could want to die. Throughout the day those feelings could change in an instant. However, most of the time he felt as though a black cloud was hanging over his head leaving him constantly miserable for no reason at all.

He felt like he was drowning in the ocean and no one could see, he felt like he was stuck in a very large, deep hole and he couldn’t get out. There was no ladder, no helping hand, just him in the darkness. It had been that way for a very long time and it was getting harder and harder to handle.

                                                                                                -

Frank didn’t know whether Gerard had ever been depressed so if he didn’t know what it truly felt like, but at least he knew through the use of books, years of studying and a lot of experience how he could help.

Frank felt like he could now say whatever he felt to Gerard and he would understand what he meant.

Every time Frank spoke to Gerard he felt as though he was letting out some of the black poison that was rotting his insides. Frank felt good to finally let out what he was feeling inside, however fucked up it may be or how miserable it made him sound and for that he was truly grateful to Gerard.

He would still get days where he didn't want to talk at all which was frustrating to Gerard, thus making Frank feel guilty at wasting both his and Gerard's time, as well as his mother's money. But he just couldn't force himself to choke his words out even when he desperately wanted to.

What he wanted most of all, aside for all this to go away, was the more realistic goal of having someone totally understand his feelings. He knew no one could achieve that, but with Gerard it seemed more possible every day.

Gerard was the closest Frank had to someone totally understanding him and it wasn't half bad.

                                                                                                -

The fact that Gerard was the only person in Frank’s life right now that seemed to be at least making an effort to understand him totally and fully made Frank feel something for his therapist that he wasn’t sure he was supposed to.

He felt a sort of admiration for Gerard, if that even made sense.

He couldn’t help but think of Gerard with reverence. He looked up to him as someone that could help when everyone else had failed. He really hadn't expected to feel that way about anyone, especially not his psychiatrist, as most of the time he just about tolerated the people he came into contact with.

However, with Gerard it was different. He didn't just tolerate the time he had to spend with Gerard.

He kind of enjoyed his company. Frank could even go so far as to say he liked spending time with Gerard which was even weirder than it could have been considering the situation they were both in.

                                                                                                -

Maybe Frank would have found it easier to accept that he liked being with Gerard if he had met him in a coffee shop one day and they had bonded over their mutual love of punk bands and comics, all the while sipping hot coffees and laughing as the rain danced off the windows outside.

Maybe it would have been a lot easier to accept if Frank had met Gerard in school one day; if he was the new boy that slinked into math class late and sat beside Frank, making him laugh under his breath at his comments at the teachers and students around them.

Maybe, just maybe, meeting Gerard under normal circumstances like that would make Frank feel better, more comfortable at having these feelings for him.

But unfortunately, they hadn’t met at school or in a coffee shop. They had met at past two in the morning under the flicker of bright lights of a hospital as a bruised and battered Frank tried to pretend he hadn’t really meant to kill himself, _honest._

                                                                                                -

Frank wondered if perhaps he felt something more than reluctant acceptance towards Gerard as he had been the one to finally recognise the fact that he was not okay and try to help him.

Maybe that was all it was.

He couldn’t be sure if he _liked_ Gerard at this stage. All he knew was he felt something towards him he hadn’t felt towards another person in a long time.

Most of the time Frank felt everything at once, or nothing at all. It made it hard for him to keep track of how he really felt, if anything.

Most of the time he had a hard time knowing if what he was feeling was a normal reaction or not.

Most of the time, he didn’t feel anything.

                                                                                                -

But when he was around Gerard his emotions went into overdrive. Frank didn’t know why that was.

All he knew was he kept thinking of the time Gerard had held him as he cried; thinking about how safe he had felt and wishing that he could feel it again.

Frank had not let anyone hold him like that for a long time, not even his mother.

But when Gerard held him, it felt like everything in the world was right at that moment.

Like he said, Frank was not sure if he felt like that just because Gerard had been helping him and he admired him for that, or if it was something deeper.

All he knew was when he was alone in his room, sobbing into his pillow, the pressure of just wishing he could _just_ _fucking die already_ weighing on his heart and crushing him, the thought of Gerard’s calming voice that seemed to hold the solution to all his problems, calmed him down.

It was an extremely weird feeling for Frank but he wanted to try and accept it.

Because if Gerard could help him that much, no matter how weird that was for Frank, it couldn’t be a bad thing, could it?


	7. Chapter Seven

>Similarly, Gerard had been feeling something towards Frank that was different to the way he usually felt towards his patients.

He usually felt empathy towards them, of course he did.

He was a naturally empathetic person, which was probably why his job suited him so much, but with Frank it was different.

                                                                                                -

Frank looked so broken that it was hard for Gerard’s heart not to wrench at the sight of him.

It hurt him to hear Frank speak about the self-loathing he felt day in, day out.

It made him feel as though someone had taken a hold of his heart and was slowly squeezing it whenever Frank spoke about how he wished he had died that night and how he still wished he could.

Frank was still suicidal and that was a huge concern to everyone involved in helping him.

If Frank’s suicidal ideation didn’t stop soon, action would have to be taken.

That was a thought Gerard could not stand.

He didn’t want Frank to be taken away from him.

He had his own selfish reasons. He liked Frank, he liked his company. He enjoyed speaking with him and he felt it was extremely important for him to help him.

Gerard also knew because it had taken quite a while for Frank to open up to him if he was taken to a hospital to make sure he would not be able to hurt himself again, he would find it incredibly hard to open up to someone again, when he had been taken away from the only person he had begun to trust.

                                                                                                -

It had taken Gerard about five weeks to get Frank to open up to him and even to do that it had taken a lot of patience and eventually a screaming match.

Gerard knew that doctors in hospitals operated differently than he did.

They would not have the patience to wait for someone like Frank to open up to them. Either they would push until he clammed up entirely or assume that Frank did not want to be helped and give up on him practically straight away.

It had taken five weeks for Frank to start opening up to Gerard. Five sessions of cold, empty silence as Frank tried to keep the thoughts inside his head locked up.

If Frank was taken out of Gerard’s care and sent somewhere else he would feel betrayed, anyone would.

Therefore, Gerard knew it would take a lot longer than five weeks for Frank to start to speak.

He would be classed as difficult even if he wasn’t directly trying to be. Being difficult in places like that led to consequences.

 Even if Frank opened up quickly, Gerard couldn’t stand the thought of Frank being sent away, no matter how long it was for and Gerard guessed it would be a pretty long time.

Frank couldn’t be helped until he started to speak which meant Frank would be away from him for a couple of weeks minimum, even before he started to accept help.

                                                                                                -

Gerard had had patients like Frank before. Kids, no older than Frank who were angry at the world and took it out on themselves.

He also recognised that Frank had somehow latched on to him, and trusted him to help him. It would not have been noticeable to other people if they had observed one of their sessions, but Gerard was trained in psychology.

Frank treated Gerard the same as he treated everyone else, but Gerard knew from certain little behaviours, such as relaxing ever so slightly once Gerard started to speak to him, that Frank trusted Gerard to help him.

Gerard could tell that Frank had not trusted anyone in a long time. He was determined not to abuse that trust. He wanted to help Frank as best he could. He didn't want to let him down by sending him away if things got too hard.

                                                                                                -

Frank was young but at the same time he was barely younger than Gerard.

Still he was too young to have troubles like this. Despite the fact that Gerard was barely older than Frank he was still older, if just by five years.

Because of that he felt a need to protect Frank from his self-destructive thoughts and behaviours.

He was a good doctor; he knew he was. He hoped he would be good enough to help Frank.

Gerard was still on the first year of his job and so far, he had not lost a patient yet.

Still, he knew of many horrors stories; patients not turning up to their appointments and later being found in their homes, dead from drug use or overdoses or slit wrists.

Gerard knew something like that could ruin his career. If a patient was deemed safe to live in the outside world by their doctor, then later found dead it would be their fault as it was their responsibility to keep them safe.

However, Gerard barely cared about the risks of his career as some doctors did. All he cared about was the welfare of his patients, most of all Frank. Frank was of the most threat to himself right now out of the few young people he was caring for at that moment.

Gerard could tell that Frank was trying and he appreciated that.

He also knew that although Frank was trying, he was close to giving up.

It was obvious that Frank still did not want to live.

Gerard knew that the road to recovery for Frank was going to be an extremely difficult one.

                                                                                                -

Gerard knew that if Frank didn’t stop feeling suicidal pretty soon, he would have to take action as his doctor to make him as safe as possible, even if that meant Frank would be sent to the Belleville Psych unit for a while.

Gerard knew that for some patients like Frank this wouldn’t help, but he knew he had to try. He would try everything he could to make Frank’s bad feelings go away but if they didn’t, that would be the only option, regardless if it helped Frank or not.

Gerard knew Frank would hate to be sent away and honestly, Gerard knew he would hate it too.

He wanted to be around Frank, keeping him safe for as long as possible. Gerard was often kept awake at night as Lindsey slept peacefully at his side, racking his brains for ways to help Frank.

He felt protective towards him but he also wondered if he felt something more than that.

                                                                                                -

Helping Frank was Gerard’s main concern right now and he spent more time thinking about him than any of his other patients. Gerard didn’t know why that was, but he assumed he felt more compelled to help Frank than his other patients as he was still a relatively inexperienced doctor and out of all of those he was helping, Frank was the only one that was suicidal.

As a matter of fact, Frank was the first suicidal person Gerard had started to help. He cared about him a lot but Gerard could not decide if he 1), just felt protective over the younger boy, 2), was fond of him and slightly proud that Frank had chosen him to be the one to open up to after all this time, or 3), felt something else towards him.

Gerard didn’t want to think about it.

He knew if he did things would become even more complicated than they already were.

                                                                                                -

>Gerard and Frank continued their Friday sessions for the next few weeks.

Each continued to feel something for the other, obviously without letting on.

Frank began to make slight progress and that made Gerard extremely happy.

The majority of the time spent during their sessions they would sit and talk like they were supposed to, Frank telling Gerard about his week at school and how he had felt during it and Gerard questioning him on certain things and offering advice.

Other times Frank would be in a restless mood and would be unable to sit and talk to Gerard.

 Instead he would stalk around the office, ranting about something that had pissed him off earlier in the week. It amused Gerard to hear Frank get so angry but it also made him happy that Frank could now speak so passionately about something, whether it be _how fucking badly animals are treated in this fucking city, man_ or _why can’t more people in the world be vegetarians? I mean, going without meat isn’t that hard you fucking assholes_ , when before he had found it hard to even nod or shake his head when asked his opinion on something.

Other times Frank would refuse to sit and would just wander around Gerard’s office, browsing his bookshelves and picking up book after book and questioning Gerard on its contents before disinterestedly shoving it back into place.

He would wander over to the window and stare out it, looking at the people below them lining the streets without speaking.

Then, without any warning he would spin on his heels and plop down onto one of the fluffy rugs on Gerard’s floor and mess with its fur, questioning Gerard about his day, his innocent eyes looking into Gerard’s with interest.

                                                                                                -

Those were Gerard’s favourite times. They would sit opposite each other on the rug, Frank’s feet crossed under him and they would chat about music and bands and god knows what else.

Sometimes Gerard even managed to get a laugh out of Frank.

However, their sessions were not always so light hearted and friendly.

There would be times when Gerard would call Frank into his office and Frank would push past him and slam the door after himself with a bang. He would then make his way over the armchair that had become his and curl up into a ball on top of it, bringing his knees up to his chest and resting his head on top of them, his converse scuffing the leather. He would bring his hoodie clad sleeves up to his face and cry into them, a low weeping sound that was designed to attract neither attention nor sympathy, just the sound of a broken boy letting out what he had been desperately trying to keep in.

At times like those Gerard knew he would not be able to get Frank to speak so he’d perch himself on the arm of Frank’s chair and hold him close as he cried, making a mental note to ask him about it during the next session.

                                                                                                -

Gerard hated to see Frank in such pain but he had to admit he enjoyed holding Frank and offering him comfort when he was unhappy.

He only wished he could have an excuse to hold Frank when he was in a happier mood. He sensed it would be much more enjoyable for them both.

Basically Gerard wanted to hold Frank pretty much all of the time.

However, Gerard knew he was already overstepping the mark by holding Frank when he cried.

He knew as an adult in his position, he wasn’t supposed to touch his patients, even in a kind gesture of comfort, which frankly sucked. I mean, what was he supposed to do, leave Frank there to cry and make him feel more abandoned than ever? Gerard didn’t think so.

But he knew that holding Frank like he did would be considered wildly inappropriate. Gerard knew why these rules were in place.

He also knew that a lot of people that went to therapy didn’t want to be touched.

But Frank positively clung to Gerard.

It made Gerard feel like Frank wanted to be held by as much as he wanted to hold him. At first Gerard had been holding Frank in a gesture of comfort and nothing more, but now when Frank clung to him sobbing, the feel of Frank’s tiny body under his strong arms gave him a sort of peace. He felt like everything was right when he had his arms around Frank.

                                                                                                -

By now he had come to realise he felt something for Frank.

When he held him the world seemed right.

When he sat with him on the floor laughing about dumb shit he felt slightly more alive than he had been feeling for the past few weeks.

Frank’s case had taken a lot of energy out of Gerard, yet it all seemed worth it when he saw Frank smile or give the smallest of laughs.

He felt more awake when he was with him, more awake than he could ever be by drinking endless cups of coffee.

Liking Frank didn’t feel wrong to Gerard.

Yes, he was twenty two years old and Frank was seventeen but it wasn’t a huge difference, was it?

Plus, Gerard had just turned twenty two and Frank would be eighteen in a few months.

It wasn’t like Frank was fifteen or anything. But even if he was fifteen Gerard hadn’t done anything wrong had he?

He hadn’t thought about Frank inappropriately at all. He shuddered at the thought.

He didn’t want Frank like that.

He didn’t want to use him.

He wanted to be with him.

                                                                                                -

The realisation had hit Gerard quite suddenly and it wasn’t something he wanted to think about.

He wanted to forget about it for the time being.

Frank obviously didn’t feel the same, he probably wasn’t even gay, or even bi.

Gerard hadn’t even thought of himself that way until that moment. He couldn’t be gay, or even bi.

He hadn’t thought of another guy that way before, not even once.

Yeah, he thought certain guys were good looking but every guy thought that sometimes, right?

Frank was the only guy he had ever felt attracted to.

But even so, that didn't make him gay, did it? He couldn't be. He was happily with _Lindsey_. At least he had been until a few weeks ago.

                                                                                                -

Gerard shook the thought from his head. He couldn't like Frank. It was ridiculous.

Frank was only seventeen, he was a minor.

He could get into a lot of trouble if he ever acted on his feelings for Frankie. No, he couldn't like him.

He loved Lindsey, he really did.

He loved waking up to her face in the morning, he loved seeing her smile, he loved the way her hair smelled.

He loved Lindsey.

He loved Lindsey.

Yes, he loved Lindsey.

He couldn’t possibly even like Frank, how could he?

He loved his _fiancé._

He loved her, not him.

Her.


	8. Chapter Eight

Frank had had a bad week and by Friday he just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for the whole weekend.

Either that or get mindlessly drunk.

Either way was good.

                                                                                                -

He had had a shit day at school and he was basically just tired of how his life was going right now.

He was sick and tired of being ignored by the majority of people in his school and angry at himself for accepting it.

He was angry at himself for the way he looked, the way he spoke, the way he acted, everything.

Everything about him was wrong, so wrong that it disgusted him and he was surprised that people could stand to live with him, be around him, even know he existed without wanting to die themselves.

He was sure he was that repulsive.

                                                                                                -

He felt poisonous, as if anyone he touched, or looked at, or thought of would drop down dead.

He was most poisonous to himself though. He felt like he was suffocating underneath his own skin, purely because he couldn't believe it held a person as mind numbingly awful as himself.

Everything he did, everything he said, embarrassed him or upset him in some way, so much so that he couldn't bear to be looked at, to be spoken to, be i the same room as someone.

Being this way, and feeling these things, but being forced to live a life where he had to be spoken to, had to be looked at, it was unbearable.

Frank just wanted to be alone constantly, to save others from the horror of being around him.

Yet he couldn't. Shying away from others was 'weird' and 'unsociable' and 'unhealthy.' Frank was forced to participate, to be looked at, to be spoken to.

                                                                                                -

He hated this, hated being 'on show', as he thought of it when all he wanted was to be alone and have all the time in the world to hurt himself, punish himself for simply existing.

And because he couldn't, he was angry. All his pent up frustrations and sadness came out in anger and although it was unhealthy, it was his way of dealing with things.

Mostly, Frank began over thinking about his life and how it had turned out, how badly it had turned out.

This caused him to pick himself apart over every little thing he had ever done, or ever said.

                                                                                -

His anger barely ever directed itself at someone else. No, that would just make him feel guiltier than ever and give him another reason to hate himself.

Instead, he directed his anger at himself, getting angrier and angrier at every little thing he did.

He was angry at every single aspect of himself, his life, his personality.

After all, anger was easier to convey and explain and deal with, than raw, insatiable sadness that had no cause, and seemed to have no end.

Most of all, Frank was angry at himself for wasting people like Gerard's time when it could be spent on people that actually wanted or needed help.

He didn't want help at all.

He just wanted to die, and it was getting harder and harder to deal with the fact that he was still alive when he felt like he should have put an end to his life long, long ago.

                                                                                                -

After school ended, Frank walked into town and made the journey to Gerard's office and trudged up the stairs, getting more and more angry and upset as he went.

It pissed him off how his emotions were so out of control, more than ever nowadays.

He wanted it to stop and he wanted it to stop right fucking now.

                                                                                                -

Most of the time Frank could tolerate these therapy sessions but today was not one of those days.

He hoped Gerard would be cool and leave him alone but he doubted things would go that well for him.

Frank knew in the back of his mind that he was about to blow up on someone and he hoped it wouldn't be his mom or Gerard as they were the two people that deserved it least.

However, he was at the end of his tether and he knew the slightest thing could set him off.

He just hoped he could contain his anger for one more hour until he could go home and take everything out on himself.

He could feel everything building up inside his head until he wasn’t sure what he would do and honestly, it terrified him.

                                                                                                -

Once Frank was let into Gerard's office, he brushed past Gerard and sank into his armchair without saying hello to Gerard, immediately starting to tap his foot off the hardwood floor.

He began to pick at the black nail varnish on his nails and fixed his glare onto the clock on the wall, desperate for the session to be over as soon as possible.

Just one hour.

He could keep it in for another hour, couldn't he?

                                                                                                -

Gerard was surprised that Frank did not greet him with a small smile like he usually did and knew something was up with him straight away; however he decided not to push it.

"What’s up Frank?" he asked enthusiastically instead.

Frank shook his head as if to wave away the question; never once taking his eyes off his nails.

"How’ve you been?" Gerard tried instead.

<p>Frank scoffed at Gerard’s question.

The question was so ridiculous that it was actually laughable.

How’d he been? He’d been fucking shit, as usual. What else did Gerard expect to hear?

Frank suspected his answer to that question was always gonna be the same.

He knew it must dishearten Gerard to hear it.

I mean, obviously just because it meant Frank wasn't really getting anywhere and Gerard would have to spend more sessions with him.

Gerard didn't really care about how he felt, Frank knew that.

And yeah, Gerard had comforted him a few times when he cried, but that didn't mean anything.

It didn't mean Gerard had feelings for him, not like the feelings Frank had come to realise he had for Gerard.

Gerard was just doing his job and was probably absolutely repelled at the thought of touching him.

He probably inwardly rolled his eyes every time Frank came to him in a crying mess, wishing Frank would just get the hint that he hated him.

Yeah, that was definitely how Gerard felt. Frank kicked himself for not realising it earlier.

Frank didn’t know how Gerard even put up with him even for just an hour a week.

Frank knew he’d go crazy if he had to spend more than a few minutes alone with someone like him, someone so shit and sad and boring and generally just pathetic.

Frank didn’t know how Gerard did it.

                                                                                                -

<p>"Something funny about my question Frank?" Gerard asked good-naturedly, trying to get a smile out of Frank.

"I don’t find it particularly amusing myself but…" Gerard trailed off.

                                                                                                -

Frank couldn't stand to hear Gerard voice concern for him when it was probably so fake.

Gerard probably hated Frank as much as he hated himself.

He was probably just making fun of him this whole time.

He didn't care about how Frank felt at all.

He probably dreaded Fridays every week knowing he'd have to put up with seeing Frank's face.

The sudden realization hit Frank hard.

                                                                                                -

The thought of Gerard secretly hating him this whole time made him sick.

He must have seemed so pathetic to Gerard, crying and feeling so alone that he was desperate to be held and loved by someone.

This realization made Frank want to hurt Gerard hard.

He felt like he couldn't breathe.

He was desperate to get out of the office, feeling like a fish out of water that couldn't breathe and was just flopping endlessly by the river banks, helpless.

That's probably how Frank looked to Gerard, helpless.

‘Oh fuck off.’ Frank snarled under his breath, desperate to hurt Gerard.

How could he pretend to like him this whole time?

How could he be so cruel?

He felt so betrayed.

                                                                                                -

It was pretty obvious that Frank was angry at something but Gerard had no idea what.

He hadn’t done anything except ask Frank how he was and Frank had reacted pretty badly.

Frank had no reason to react that badly to Gerard’s questions yet Gerard knew that in his profession people’s moods could flick like a switch.

Gerard knew that Frank was feeling pretty awful so decided to ignore the fact that Frank had sworn at him.

"I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that Frank, okay?" he said instead, frowning.

He wondered what had happened to make Frank act like this but he didn’t hold out much hope for Frank to calm down and actually tell him why he was upset.

                                                                                                -

For the first time since he had entered the room Frank ripped his gaze away from his nails and fixed Gerard with a murderous look.

He’d had enough and Gerard’s calm manner was enough to send him over the edge, especially when he now knew Gerard’s patience and kindness was all a big act.

He was sick of people like Gerard lying and treating him so nicely when it was all so fake.

It had become so painfully obvious to Frank now.

He couldn’t believe he hadn’t realised this before.

Why couldn’t people just tell the truth?

He knew Gerard and everyone else around him must be so sick of helping him at this stage.

He was never gonna get better so there was no point trying anymore.

He thought that by now people would have realised this and begun to leave him alone.

Sadly, he’d had no such luck.

He was sick of the way people had been treating him so nicely when they didn’t mean it at all.

They just felt sorry for him.

Why did they have to do that; make Frank feel safe and liked when it was all just a big act? What was the point?

Did they enjoy hurting him as payback for having to deal with him?

That must be it. How fucked up.

Gerard was the worst; making Frank feel so safe that he had begun to have feelings for him.

Gerard must be laughing at the thought of poor little Frank thinking he actually had a chance with someone like him. The thought made Frank's face flame with anger and embarrassment.

                                                                                                -

All the anger Frank been holding in exploded as he realised everything that had been hidden from him from the past few weeks.

How could he let this happen?

The thought of Gerard secretly hating him when he liked him so much made Frank feel as though his world was crashing down.

"No, let’s not," he spat, sitting up straight in his chair and banging his hands down on his desk chasing Gerard to flinch.

He started speaking hurriedly, not caring if he was making any sense or not.

"Pretend you didn’t hear it all you want but I fucking said it. I don’t give a shit whether you heard it or not cause I still said it and I meant it and I fucking hate you right now Gerard, you're making me hate you. Just drop the act, you don't have to pretend you like me anymore. It took me a while but I can finally see through your act. You were good though, I'll give you that." Frank began to laugh bitterly, already regretting his rant but he knowing he couldn’t stop now.

                                                                                                -

He ignored the hurt look upon Gerard’s face and the voice inside his head that told him ‘ _Don’t do this, Frank. He’s just trying to help you and you’re making everything worse.’_

Frank knew this was true but once he had started he couldn’t stop.

His voice rose to a shout.

"Don’t try and fucking talk to me and don’t try to make me feel better, cause there’s no point; I’m never gonna get better, never, ever, I’m so fucking sick of it and I can’t do this anymore. Don’t even try to pretend you like me, alright cause I know you don’t. You don’t have to pretend for my benefit cause at this stage I couldn’t care less anymore. Tell me what you really think. Don’t fucking lie to me anymore, don’t pretend you can stand me ‘cause I don’t understand how you could. How could you? It doesn’t make sense. How can someone like you like someone as fucking revolting and disgusting as me? How? I hate this, I hate myself. I hate myself so fucking much."

His voice had gone to a raspy whisper and he was crying by now, his voice shaking from shouting.

                                                                                                -

Gerard made his way over to Frank, panicked by his outburst. "Frank, it's okay, I-"

Frank scrambled up from his chair. "No, it's not okay! Just leave me alone alright, Gerard? I don’t want to hear it."

Frank made his way over to the door and yanked the handle until it came open without taking his eyes off Gerard.

Gerard tried to make his way over to Frank, holding his hands up, desperate to calm him down.

He had no idea where this had all come from but it wasn't true at all and if Frank would just listen then maybe he'd realise that.

"Wait, Frank. Don’t leave okay, you’re not thinking straight. Just come sit down, we’ll call your mom to come and get you if that’s what you want."

"No, don’t, just leave me alone!" Frank held his hands in front of him like a barrier between him and Gerard. "Don’t call my mom."

                                                                                                -

Gerard watched Frank as he turned towards the door once again and seemed to have an inward battle with himself.

He just about caught Frank whisper " _What am I doing?_ " to himself.

Gerard knew that Frank was incredibly angry at himself in that moment and once again tried to slowly make his way closer to him.

Frank was now breathing heavily, like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car, his hand red from clutching the door handle so tightly.

Just when Gerard reached Frank, Frank whipped around and saw how close Gerard was to him. "Don’t come any closer!"

"Frank, I-"

"No, stop it. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to come to these sessions any more, I’ve told you a million times that I just want to die, Gerard. I’ve had enough. I’m sorry, I just-" Frank shook his head like his thoughts weren’t important anymore and wrenched the door open, stalking off down the hallway.

                                                                                                -

For once, in his rush to leave the building and get as far away as quickly as possible, Frank must have taken the elevator because in a matter of minutes Gerard saw Frank exit the building and break into a run as he had passed the revolving doors.

"God dammit, Frank." Gerard murmured to himself.

He turned away from the window and grabbed the phone from his desk, resting his head in his left hand.

He stabbed the phone to dial a number and spoke dejectedly into the phone, feeling completely defeated but knowing that Frank was probably about to do something incredibly stupid.

He couldn’t let that happen.

"Police, please."


	9. Chapter Nine

Frank slowed down to a brisk walk as soon as Gerard’s office was out of his sight.

He didn’t know where he was going but he knew he just needed to get away from Gerard and all his lies.

                                                                                                -

The cold wind whipped at Frank’s face and he pulled the hood of his black hoodie up, shivering.

He didn’t know where he was going and he didn’t care.

He walked aimlessly, hoping his brain would take him somewhere useful.

Frank wished he had his iPod to listen to music but he had forgot them that day; something that had made his day even shittier.

Instead of being able to block out his thoughts by listening to angry punk music, Frank was left alone with the voices in his head telling him he was worthless and pathetic and stupid.

                                                                                                -

An hour or so passed like that as Frank wandered the streets of New Jersey.

The sky quickly went from a baby blue to a deep midnight black. It seemed hours had passed without Frank realising.

                                                                                                -

He suddenly realised he had been zoned out for quite a while.

He was brought back to reality by the scream of a train as it roared past him.

Frank stepped back slightly and shook his head with shock.

He looked around and found himself by the old train tracks a few miles away from the city.

A few hours had obviously passed.

Frank had no idea how he got there.

It was as if he had been in a trance the entire time and he was honestly terrified at that thought.

He didn’t know how he had made it to the train tracks and he most certainly didn’t know how he was gonna make it home.

                                                                                                -

Frank was still in shock that a train had passed by and he had been so close to getting hit by it.

His heart was still beating quite heavily and he hated the feeling of being able to feel his heart actually beating inside his chest.

It made him feel sick enough to throw up.

The wind hammered into Frank from all angles, making it hard for him to stand up.

The sharp wind whipped around his head causing his hair to get in his eyes and leaving him momentarily blind.

Even without his hair blowing in his face it was pitch black outside.

There were no street lights at the train tracks Frank had found himself at were far from the city.

                                                                                                -

There was no one around and although a train had passed just minutes before Frank felt as though he was the only person left in the world.

Frank wondered when the next train would come by.

He suspected it would not be long.

A thought came to him and although he was pretty fucking numb and this stage, it made a whole lot of sense.

Frank plopped down onto the soft downy grass and ran his fingers across it, ignoring the howl of the wind and the fact that he had pretty much lost all feeling in his limbs.

He sat patiently waiting. All around him was an eerie silence.

There was no one around for miles and even the birds that sheltered in nearby trees had stopped making noise at this stage.

Therefore, the low rumble of an oncoming train was pretty much unmistakable.

                                                                                                -

Frank began to wiggle his toes and fingers, hoping to get some feeling back into them.

When his toes had a manageable amount of feeling in them Frank stumbled to his feet, practically falling to his knees straight away.

Despite the wind pulling at him Frank managed to keep upright and waited as the train made its way towards him, the glaring headlights almost blinding him.

However, he didn’t turn away.

He couldn’t edge any closer to the train tracks at this point so instead his brought his head up to face the wind and smiled slightly, surprised that the wind hadn’t frozen his face to the point where making facial expressions became impossible.

                                                                                                -

Frank stretched his hand out, wanting to feel the rush of wind from the oncoming train.

When the train was close enough Frank took once tiny step forward causing him to be standing on the train tracks.

He hadn’t planned this when he woke up that morning and he most certainly hadn't done this just because of Gerard, but at that moment it seemed right.

The train was only seconds away so Frank closed his eyes and began to hum his favourite song, waiting for the impact of the train to hit him and make this whole nightmare end.

                                                                                                -

Just as the train was about to hit Frank he began to hear muffled shouts in the distance.

The glare of flash lights shone and he turned around in shock, shielding his eyes and wondering where the lights had come from.

Suddenly strong arms gripped Frank’s waist and pulled him away from the tracks.

The heavy wind and the huge weight of the train roaring past caused the two to fall to the ground.

Frank rubbed his head, confused.

Where had all these people come from?

                                                                                                -

Within seconds several people crowded around Frank talking hurriedly to one another, one of these people speaking into their phone, seeming to be reporting something back to whoever was on the other line.

However, Frank couldn’t hear what was being said as the wind whipped away all noise.

Frank felt an absence of pressure against his back as the arms that had pulled him away from the train track released him.

He then saw a hand being dangled in his face.

Without looking up Frank grasped the hand and was pulled to his feet.

Frank finally looked up and saw a police officer face him with a worried look on his face, slightly out of breath from what Frank assumed was the run to the train tracks.

Frank didn't get a chance to say anything before the police officer began to speak. “Come on kid. “

He grasped Frank’s arm and pulled him towards to the small group of officers that had collected together close by.

He spoke in a firm but not unkind voice and Frank had no choice but to stumble after him, still slightly in shock himself.

                                                                                                -

No one tried to speak to Frank on the way to the police station.

He was glad.

He sat in a daze, unsure of what had happened in the last few hours since he had run from Gerard’s office.

Everything was pretty blurry.

Frank stared out of the window with a blank expression on his face.

He couldn’t hear a thing around; it was as if he had blocked everything out.

                                                                                                -

All too soon, the car stopped outside the police station, and Frank’s door was opened.

He stayed where he was staring up at the police officers that had been in the car with him until one of them grasped his arm and tugged it gently, signalling he wanted Frank to get out of the car.

He did what he was told and stood shaking under the glare of the street lights above them.

The officers beckoned for Frank to follow them and ran up the stairs briskly.

Frank trudged after them wondering why he was going to a police station.

Why didn’t they just take him back home?

                                                                                                -

The officers waited for Frank to catch them up then opened the door of the station, beckoning Frank to go inside before them.

The heat from the building hit Frank immediately and his face automatically flushed.

One of the police officers shut the door after them all and Frank spun looking slightly panicked.

He was trapped now.

His wide eyes told the officers he was scared and one of them placed his hand on his arm comfortingly. “Hey, it’s ok.” He murmured, pushing Frank forward slightly.

“Why don’t you come with me, okay?” Frank nodded disconnectedly and let himself be led to a small room.

                                                                                                -

Frank had kept his eyes fixed on the floor so he was not expecting to almost be knocked off his feet by his mother who attacked him with a hug as soon as he entered the room.

He felt his arms drape around her and rested his head on her shoulder exhaustedly.

His mother didn’t attempt to speak to Frank.

She didn’t know what to say.

For now, she was content at having him where she could see him.

                                                                                                -

Frank observed a group of officers speaking in quiet voices together, glancing over at him and his mom every so often.

It was the fact that he was now in a police station combined with how hard his mom was hugging him at that moment that made Frank realise that someone had called the police on him, and that person could only be Gerard.

                                                                                                -

Frank’s mom let go of him after a few minutes and held him at arm’s length as if she wanted to shake some sense into him.

She looked at him with tears in her eyes and shook her head sadly.

“Why do you keep doing this to me Frankie?”


	10. Chapter Ten

Frank didn’t know what to say so he averted his eyes and shook his own head, ashamed.

He opened his mouth to try to apologise, to try to say something but nothing came out.

He shut his mouth and threw his gaze down to the floor, suddenly interested in studying the scuff marks on his shoes.

                                                                                                -

His mom sighed and drew him back into her arms again. “It’s okay, baby,” she murmured into his hair. Frank couldn’t help but notice how drained she sounded, how exhausted she seemed.

When his mom finally let him go for the second time she guided him to a cluster of chairs lining the walls of the police station and grasped his hand.

Frank coughed, embarrassed.

He was exhausted and couldn’t stop shaking.

He just wanted to go home.

                                                                                                -

“Mom,” he tugged her arm and signalled for her to lean into him, which she did. “Why are we here? When can we go home?”

Linda gave her son a sympathetic look and squeezed his arm. “We’re here because Gerard said you ran out of his office and because he was afraid you were going to try and hurt yourself again he had to call the police.”

That confirmed Frank’s suspicions.

“He’s in there now, talking to some of the officers,” she continued. “They’re trying to decide what to do with you,” she murmured more to herself than to her son and began to chew what remained of her fingernails on her free hand.

Frank turned to his mom, surprised to hear the new information. “Wait, Gerard’s here?”

His mom nodded absently, not thinking that was important. She didn’t know how important that fact was to her son.

“He’s been here almost as long as me. Hours. He couldn’t leave his office straight away because he couldn’t leave his patients in the lurch like that but as soon as he was finished he practically ran here. Well, his face was all red and flushed like it anyway. He wanted to go out looking for you too, we both did, but they wouldn’t let us. Said it’d be too dangerous. They made us stay here, asking us pointless questions while you were out there, doing all sorts.” She shook her head, annoyed at being practically detained at the station for the duration of the time Frank had been missing.

                                                                                                -

Frank struggled with the information.

Gerard had been in the station for hours, wanting to go out to look for him?

But he wouldn’t have done if he didn’t care, right?

Maybe he would have.

He was probably just doing his job, but now thinking Frank was even crazier than he had previously suspected.

Frank cringed at his earlier actions. He wanted to smack his head off the wall for acting so stupidly towards Gerard but he knew under the circumstances that wouldn't do any good for the façade of sanity and happiness he was failing miserably at maintaining.

                                                                                                -

Frank didn't speak again for a minute or two, instead choosing to decide what this meant.

“Wait, hold on,”Frank suddenly exclaimed, just remembering the rest of what his mother had said. “ _They’re trying to decide what to do with me?_ What’s the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

Linda looked at her son, her eyes so sad that Frank’s heart began to beat even faster, afraid of what his mom was going to say.

“Mom? Answer me!”

“Frank, honey…After tonight, they want to send you away. They think it'd be the best thing for you right now, considering the state you're in. Gerard doesn't think you're making enough progress by just going to therapy; he doesn't think it's enough right now. They've suggested that staying in the hospital for a while would be the best thing for you right now.' She looked at her son's face which was a mixture of shock, anger and absolute terror and gripped his hand harder, a stray tear slipping down her face. 'They’re in there now asking Gerard what he thinks. And I really hate to say this baby, but I think he agrees.”

                                                                                                -

The look Frank gave his mother broke her heart, as many as his actions had done over the past few years.

Getting his first tattoo angered her.

Getting drunk almost every weekend and continuously skipping school worried her.

Having her son want to die broke her heart.

Having him attempt to take his own life shattered it.

Now the look her was giving her was another stab in her heart.

She was close to giving up by this stage; her heart was aching by Frank’s constant self-destruction.

She tore her eyes away from her son as he struggled to comprehend what she had just told him.

                                                                                                -

“What?” he questioned. “What? I don’t understand…”

In his desperation to get more answers, Frank tugged his mom’s arm, shaking it in the hopes she would tell him more.

“Mom, please. Just look at me, please. You can’t let them do that to me!”

However, Frank’s mom continued to stay turned away from him, not wanting her son to see her tears.

                                                                                                -

Frank began to panic.

If what his mom said was true, Gerard was behind the nearest door deciding his fate right at that moment.

The thought made his head spin and he was thankful he was sat down at that moment.

Frank’s breathing became shallow and he sat digging his nails into his wrists to calm him down; waiting although he wasn’t sure for what.

                                                                                                -

When Frank was sure he could take it no longer, a door banged open and Gerard exited the small room accompanied by a few officers.

Frank looked up at the noise and their eyes caught straight away.

Frank’s heart began to beat rapidly as he looked into Gerard’s eyes.

Similarly, Gerard’s features also changed as soon as he set eyes on Frank. His face visibly relaxed.

Frank was sure Gerard would have been notified that Frank had been found safe, yet Gerard’s face had relaxed as if he was only willing to believe it when he saw Frank right in front of him.

Frank was sure that he saw a sigh of relief pass through Gerard’s lips. Not that he was looking at his lips though. No; not at all.

                                                                                                -

Gerard made his way over to Frank and his mom and leant down, murmuring to his mom as she nodded along.

Frank couldn’t help but look at his psychiatrist’s Adam’s apple as he spoke as well as his lips as they moved.

He had recently noticed Gerard talked mostly to the side of his mouth and when he laughed which was often, as he always seemed to be happy, he displayed such small cute teeth that Frank was so sure that they were still his baby teeth.

Linda nodded at what he was saying so Gerard straightened up and looked over to where Frank was sitting. However, he made no effort to come any closer as if he was afraid that Frank would freak out again like he had done only hours before.

He nodded again as if to confirm to himself what Frank's mom had agreed to, before tearing his eyes away from Frank’s and made his way over to the police officers to resume their conversation.

Frank hadn’t heard a word Gerard had said to his mom but he felt a lurch in his stomach.

The look on Gerard’s face had said it all. From the way he had come over to her and whispered something before waiting for her reaction, it was like he had gently proposed a question to her, just like he was telling her their decision and asking her if she agreed.

The nod from his mom told Frank she did.

Oh god.

Oh god.

He couldn’t let this happen.

                                                                                                -

Before he knew what he was doing Frank had gotten out of his seat had rushed over to Gerard and was now clutching his shirt and begging him to reconsider.

Gerard had been innocently speaking to a few of the officers and so was greatly surprised when Frank rushed up to him and pressed himself against his chest, gripping his shirt with his clenched fists.

The teenager in front of him was obviously terrified and breathing heavily, looking like he was going to have a panic attack pretty soon if he didn’t calm down.

“Gerard,” Frank gushed. “Please, please don’t do this. Please don’t send me away. I know you’re going to; I can see it in your eyes. Please don’t Gerard, please. I trusted you!” Frank cried, gripping Gerard’s shirt even harder.

The officers beside Gerard and Frank raised their eyebrows and began mumbling together.

Gerard wasn’t sure if they were shocked at Frank’s panicked behaviour or the fact that he was standing far closer to Gerard than was probably appropriate, as well as calling him by his first name.

All Gerard knew was for both their sakes; he needed to get Frank off him and calm him down now.


	11. Chapter Eleven

“Frank, it’s okay but you need to calm down,” Gerard said softly. “If you don’t calm down, you’re gonna have a panic attack. It’s alright.”

Frank shook his head, looking panicked. “No, I can’t calm down. Oh god. Oh god,” Frank repeated to himself, still breathing heavily and looking like he was in pain.

Sensing that Frank wasn’t going to be able to calm down the officers shared a look before opening the door to the room they had just come from and signalling for Frank and Gerard to go in. “Go talk to him in there for a few minutes,” one of the officers said to Gerard. “Maybe he’ll calm down if it’s just the two of you alone; he trusts you, I can tell.”

Gerard nodded and ushered Frank into the room before shutting the door behind them. Frank slid into a seat and waited for Gerard to do the same.

                                                                                                -

“Frank-“

“Gerard, please just listen to me. I’m sorry about what happened earlier tonight. I don’t know what happened, I was just walking and I ended up at the train tracks. I hadn’t even thought of it before. I just wanted to walk out into the tracks ‘cause it felt right at that moment. I don’t why I did it, it was stupid,” Frank rushed out all in one breath, desperate to explain.

Gerard sighed and ran his hand over his face, leaving it covering his eyes for a few seconds, not wanting Frank to see how lost and exhausted he was.

“Frank, the fact that you just seemed to randomly end up somewhere dangerous like that without even thinking about it shows you’re not getting better at all! It’s like you have this natural instinct to ruin your life or something!” Gerard sighed with annoyance, instantly regretting his words when he saw Frank flinch.

Frank knew that Gerard was right but he still desperately tried to make him change his mind. “It won’t happen again, Gerard, I mean it.”

“But Frank, that’s exactly what you said last time! I can’t trust you anymore!” Gerard cried, exasperated.

“Gerard, please!” Frank cried, equally exasperated. He grabbed Gerard’s hand, gripping it tightly. “Just listen, please,” he begged.

Gerard glanced down at Frank’s hand covering his own, the pressure of Frank’s hand clutching his own causing both of their hands to turn slightly pink.

He flickered his eyes to rest on Frank’s face, noting a single tear making its way down his face. He was desperate.

Gerard finally relented and let the boy in front of him speak.

                                                                                                -

Frank relaxed slightly, relieved he was actually getting a chance to explain his actions and say what he needed to say.

Gerard was good like that; it seemed that he really cared.

Although Frank knew Gerard must care about him slightly if he was listening to him instead of just passing him to someone else as their problem, he was still conflicted.

He couldn’t figure out if what had happened in Gerard’s office earlier that day had been a result of his mind warping the world around him and making him believe Gerard hated him with a passion, or if Gerard actually did hate him.

At the time Frank had been angry and ready to lash out at anyone that upset him, and right now he was shaking from the night’s events and extremely fragile so he still couldn’t tell what was real or what was not.

Yet as he looked at Gerard in front of him who was waiting for him to speak encouragingly and making no attempt to loosen his hand from Frank’s smaller one, something told Frank he had been an idiot and Gerard really did care.

He was probably even upset by the words Frank had thrown at him earlier.

Frank’s head swum with his conflicted thoughts but he knew that it wasn’t the time to think about his feelings right now.

He needed to convince Gerard he was okay. Or at least that he would be okay, eventually.

                                                                                                -

“Ok, it’s like this. I’ve been in places like that before. You probably knew that already; I know you need all the past information when you get a new patient so I’m under no allusions that you thought this was my first time being in therapy or anything. But the thing is, you read it on paper. You don’t know what it was really like for me in there. Those places just don’t fucking work, at least not for me. They’re hell and I don’t think I could handle being in another place like that ever again. I mean, if it really worked I wouldn’t be in this position right now, would it?”

Gerard sighed but said nothing while Frank was speaking, wanting to hear more. “Go on.”

“I get that I wanna die and you’re trying to protect me, you’re just doing your job. But those places don't work for me. I've tried it before, like really tried to get better but I just can't do it, not when I've been forced into it and don't want to do it for myself. I just end up resenting everyone and causing trouble and pissing everyone off. The fact that I'm here now after being out staring at train tracks all night just proves that hospitals don't work for me. I know you think I'm too depressed to know what I want and I get that but trust me on this. I know better than anyone what works for me and what doesn't…”

“Those places are torture and I just end up lying; pretending I’m okay so I can leave. It's so easy to lie and pretend you're getting better when you're not. As soon as I pretend to have some huge breakthrough they'll let me out and then where will I be? No better off than I was before. I get out of that place and I’ll be like ‘Fuck it, I’m out. I’m free so now I can do what I want; including kill myself.’ It’s like prison; you’re kept away from everyone else in the outside world so you can’t do anything bad whether it’s to yourself or to them. But that’s not recovery. It doesn't help at all. Recovery is when you’re out in the real world and you have the means and the opportunity to kill yourself but you don’t, because you actually want to live.”

                                                                                                -

Gerard nodded and squeezed Frank’s hand as he watched him speak, letting his eyes brim with tears without embarrassment.

“I want to be okay. I know it doesn’t look like I do, especially after tonight but I do, I really do. It’s just gets so hard sometimes and I have moments like tonight when I want to give up. But I don't want to be forced to get better. I want to do this on my terms, it's easier that way. I know I’ve been difficult and I’m sorry but I really believe you’re the only one that can truly help me. You’re not like the rest,” Frank confessed, staring into Gerard’s eyes.

“You’re more real, you understand me, I can see it in you. And not like on a professional, text book level. I mean really and truly. I don’t want anyone else to help me, Gerard. I just want you. I don’t think I can do this without you. So please, please don’t send me away.”

Frank finished his heartfelt confession, watching Gerard as a few of his own tears silently rolled down his cheeks. Frank's words really struck a chord with Gerard and now his mind was made up. He wanted to give Frank another chance, despite what his better judgement was telling him. He couldn't deny Frank this, especially as he had opened up and admitted his true feelings.

                                                                                                -

Gerard stood up from the table and walked over to Frank.

He thanked god that there were no cameras in that particular room and he drew Frank into his strong arms and held his arms around his waist.

Frank leant into Gerard’s embrace and relaxed into his chest.

Gerard stroked the back of Frank’s hair as they stood silently, Gerard rocking their bodies side to side so softly that if was barely even noticeable.

Gerard kissed Frank’s head softly and murmured against his hair so softly that it could barely be heard. “Ok, Frankie, ok.”

Hours seemed to pass as they held each other tightly, and in that moment both seemed to realise how much they really did need each other.

                                                                                                -

Frank and Gerard continued to hug for a few minutes until they finally let go out each other, immediately feeling the others absence from their arms.

Both had the urge to hold each other again but they both knew they needed to leave the room so Gerard could speak to the police officers as well as Frank’s mom and tell them his decision.

Gerard smiled down at Frank as he wiped his drying tears with the end of his thumb.

Frank smiled up at him, feeling safer than he had done in a long time.

With Gerard's kindness and willingness to help, Frank felt a sudden surge of love for the man in front of him.

Before he could stop himself, he leaned up slightly on his tip toes and wrapped his arms around Gerard’s neck; kissing him softly on his lips.

Gerard turned a light shade of pink and Frank laughed quietly, pleased at his reaction.

Gerard caught Frank’s eye and smiled at him, leaning down to reach Frank and placing another kiss on his lips.

Frank smiled into the kiss as he realised Gerard wanted him just as much as he wanted Gerard.

The kiss deepened and Frank could feel Gerard smiling to himself almost as soon as they began to kiss.

Frank still had his arms around Gerard’s neck so Gerard slid his arms around Frank’s small waist and pulled him closer to his chest.

The kiss went on for a few minutes until they both pulled away at the same time knowing that if they spent much longer in the small interview room someone would get suspicious and come to find them.

                                                                                                -

Gerard wiped the last few tears from Frank’s face and stopped to caress his face gently, feeling so much love for the younger boy in front of him.

Now he knew Frank felt the same way, he didn’t have to hide his feelings any longer. It was the best feeling.

“I suppose we’d better get back out there then,” Gerard whispered into Frank’s ear, making no effort to hide his reluctance to leave Frank. Frank shivered and nodded silently, the nerves that had subsided coming back with force.

Gerard squeezed Frank’s hand comfortingly until Frank smiled.

Gerard wished he could go out there holding Frank’s hand the whole time but he knew it’d cause a riot.

So instead, he gave Frank one last encouraging look and dropped his hand, pushing the door open for them to exit.

                                                                                                -

The officers nodded approvingly seeing Frank calmer state and immediately walked over to Gerard to speak to him.

Frank took the hint and went to sit back beside his mother.

She looked at him worriedly and squeezed his hand.

“Are you okay, Frankie?”

Frank nodded silently and squeezed his mother’s hand back, however he couldn’t help but wish it as Gerard’s hand holding his and his voice calling him his nickname.

                                                                                                -

Frank fixed his eyes on Gerard as he spoke to the officers.

All seemed calm until Gerard said something and the officers began to argue back, their voices raised.

Gerard didn’t raise his voice back; instead he kept his voice calm and began listing things off on his fingers.

The officers sighed in exasperation and one broke from the group and walked towards Frank’s mother who had also been watching the exchange.

“Mrs Iero,” the officer said speaking quietly. “I wonder if you could come over here for a minute? We seem to be having a bit of a disagreement and we wanted to know your opinion on the matter.”

Frank’s mom nodded. “Of course.” Her voice sounded strained and exhausted and it was obvious she wanted to leave the station as soon as possible.

Frank felt another twinge of guilt, hating what he was doing to his mother. The two walked over to the group and the main officer who seemed to be in charge had barely spoken two words until he was distracted by the site of Frank sitting alone.

He pointed to Frank and spoke angrily to the officer who had fetched Frank’s mother.

The officer blushed red, embarrassed, and within seconds he was sat beside Frank keeping an eye on him.

                                                                                                -

The two didn’t speak, instead preferring to watch as the officers, Gerard and Linda spoke.

It was pretty obvious what was going on and it left Frank feeling terrified.

It didn’t look like the police believed Frank should be released back into the community and Gerard was trying to make them change their minds.

Frank’s heart swelled with thankfulness as he watched Gerard fight for his cause.

After a few more minutes the group seemed to have reached a conclusion. They spoke for a few more minutes until Gerard and Linda broke away from the crowd and walked back towards Frank.

The officer who had been watching Frank was summoned, leaving the three to speak alone.

                                                                                                -

Frank shot up from his seat immediately. “Well?” he asked, terrified of hearing Gerard’s next few words, yet also wanting to hear what he had to say as soon as possible.

“They decided you can leave,” Gerard sighed, looking drained, and slightly annoyed. “It took a lot of persuasion but they trust my opinion considering I’ve got a pretty good reputation in my field as well as the fact that I’ve been your psychiatrist for about two months now.”

Frank nodded, hoping they could leave now.

“But,” Gerard continued, “There are a few conditions.”

Frank’s heart sank. “…Go on.”

“You have to come to therapy at least twice a week now instead of once, more if you seem to get worse. And if you ever try something like this again, then that’s it. They’ll take you to Belleville Psych no matter what. It doesn’t matter what I say, what you say, what your mom says. They have all the power and frankly, I agree with that. This is your last chance. I hope you understand that Frank.”

Frank nodded, his heart sinking. The idea that everything was basically being taken out of his hands terrified him.

“I want you to come to my office tomorrow for an emergency appointment. We need to talk about happened tonight and I also want to change the medication you’re on right now as well; it obviously doesn’t seem to be working for you. I’ll sort that out for you tomorrow. You have the weekend but after that I recommend you don’t go into school this coming week. This time the school will have to know.’ Gerard continued, ignoring the horrified look on Frank’s face. ‘I know you hate the idea Frank but these are part of the conditions we had to agree to so you’d be allowed home. These things have to be done. Also, we might look into some family therapy in the future, we’ll see how things go…That’s basically it. I’ll see you at my office tomorrow at eleven, alright Frank?”

Frank nodded, hating Gerard’s brisk professional side. He wished Gerard could just hold him and not pressure him for answers. He was sure that would be much more effective than therapy or any other the other crap that came with it.

“Okay, good. I’ll see you tomorrow then,” Gerard said to Frank before turning towards his mother and giving her a quick hug.

Frank watched as Gerard spoke some words of encouragement in Linda’s ear and she spoke her thanks back; often forgetting they were friends as well as work colleagues.

Before Gerard turned and walked out of the police station, he gave Frank a quick squeeze on his arm reminding him that although he had to be professional around others he cared about him far more than he was allowed to let on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd just like to say this story is also posted on mychemicalromancefanfiction.com and is updated more often than this one :)  
> It's under the same name and my username is disxterology (bc ptv fan girl)


	12. Chapter Twelve

Gerard went home that night, exhausted and wishing he could sleep forever.

Instead of having the weekend off like he usually would have, he had to see Frank first thing the next morning.

He really wasn’t looking forward to forfeiting his usual sleep in but he knew Frank was more important than a few more hours of sleep.

He sighed and slipped into bed beside Lindsey.

Her arms wrapped around Gerard and she leant over to kiss his neck before quickly falling back to sleep.

Gerard snuggled into his fiancée’s embrace and tried to sleep, his mind racing.

                                                                                                -

Gerard woke early the next morning and rolled over to face his sleeping fiancée.

He admired how her long black hair cascaded over her back as she slept, the dark colour of her skin contrasting her pale skin.

Gerard envied her peaceful state as she slept, wishing his mind could be calm as Lindsey’s seemed in that moment.

Right then he was anything but calm and relaxed, and felt anything but well rested.

However, this was not due to forgoing a few extra hours of sleep.

In reality, Gerard had lain awake for most of the night thinking of his lips touching Frank’s own.

He had enjoyed the kiss; in fact he was craving another, but he didn’t need to be told twice that what had happened last night between himself and Frank had been wrong.

Gerard had fought with himself the entire night.

He was torn between knowing his feelings for Frank were wrong and he was putting them both in an awkward position, and thinking that age was just a number and it shouldn’t matter that they liked each other.

However, Gerard knew that his feelings for Frank would be penalised as soon as anyone found out.

He knew that because of his position as Frank’s psychiatrist and the fact that Frank was extremely depressed and suicidal, people would say that he was taking advantage of Frank.

There was also the fact that Frank was underage and Gerard was also in a relationship with Lindsey already.

Basically, Frank and Gerard’s relationship would have a lot of opposition if it was ever discovered.

                                                                                                -

Gerard thought about this as he made coffee and got ready for the day.

As he sat down at the table to add notes to Frank’s file he couldn’t help but let his mind wander.

Although Frank had kissed Gerard first, Gerard still felt as though he was taking advantage of him.

He didn’t even know if Frank felt the same.

Maybe he was making more of Frank’s actions than Frank had meant?

Maybe the kiss Frank had given Gerard was just a kiss of thanks and he hadn’t meant anything by it?

Yet as soon as Gerard thought this he shook the thought away, knowing it wasn’t true.

From the way Frank had reciprocated Gerard’s kiss and even deepened it, it was obvious that he felt something for Gerard and did not just kiss him to say thanks for helping him out.

But even if Frank did like Gerard, there was still the matter of Lindsey.

                                                                                                -

Gerard downed the rest of his coffee and slumped in his chair in frustration.

Up until a month or so ago he had been happily engaged to Lindsey and had never thought of another guy romantically at all.

Gerard couldn’t understand where these feelings for Frank had come from and he certainly didn’t know what they meant.

Yes, Gerard liked Frank, but that didn’t mean he was gay or even bi did it?

Maybe he just liked Frank.

Maybe Frank was his one exception.

That solution made sense to Gerard and he decided to go with that.

But even if he did just like Frank and only Frank there was still the matter of what to do about it.

Gerard didn’t even know what Frank wanted.

Did he even want a relationship, or did he just want a few kisses here and there for reassurance?

Was Frank even gay?

Gerard made a mental note to ask him later that day.

It would be an awkward conversation to have but it’d have to be done.

                                                                                                -

What worried Gerard most was the idea that Frank did want a relationship with him.

If he did what would happen then?

Up until a few months ago Gerard had not even thought of spending the rest of his life with anyone else but Lindsey.

But now…Gerard didn’t know but even the fact that he was considering that he may not be with Lindsey forever scared him.

If Frank did want a relationship would Gerard be able to leave Lindsey and be with him instead?

Gerard honestly didn’t know.

His head swam with the possibilities.

He felt as if he had betrayed Lindsey by kissing Frank the other day.

This made Gerard partly feel like forgetting anything had ever happened between himself and Frank.

The other half of him felt excited by the possibilities a relationship with Frank could bring, if there even was going to be one.

                                                                                                -

Gerard finished writing notes and organised them into piles before stuffing them in his bag.

He wrote a quick post it note explaining he was going to work for when Lindsey woke up seeing as he didn’t get a chance to speak to her the night before.

He placed it on her bedside cabinet before kissing her forehead and leaving their apartment.

                                                                                                -

Gerard lit up a cigarette as he walked, enjoying the bitter morning air.

He reached his building in no time at all and trudged his way up the stairs, quickly reaching his office and finished his cigarette as he waited for Frank, wondering what answers the day would bring.

                                                                                                -

Frank pulled himself up the stairs after his mother dropped him off.

Frank glanced back at the car as he walked to the office building. His mother had remained parked and was reading a magazine she had had underneath her seat.

It seemed she didn’t trust Frank to even go to his therapy appointment, let alone go home after it.

Once again Frank felt as though all of his control had been taken away from him and it sucked.

                                                                                                -

Frank reached Gerard’s floor and fell into a chair in the waiting room.

He closed his eyes and wished he could sleep.

He wasn’t happy about being awoken early on a Saturday morning when he could have been sleeping till noon.

He was even more displeased considering the fact that he had tossed and turned half the night wracked with guilt and sorrow about his earlier actions.

He also now had something new to worry about.

Gerard.

                                                                                                -

The thought of their kiss had kept him awake for hours after he had collapsed into bed that night.

A million questions were running through his head, none of which he had the answers to.

Mostly he wondered if the kiss would change anything between himself and Gerard.

He was sure that he wanted it to.

But what about Gerard, what did he want? Was he even gay?

Even if they did get together it wouldn’t be an easy relationship what with Frank being just seventeen.

He was a minor which meant Gerard could get into serious trouble if anyone found out about them.

This was one of the main causes of Frank’s worries.

For the second time he wished Gerard was his own age and that they had met in different circumstances.

Yet, amongst all of his worries Frank felt slightly excited.

He had enjoyed the kiss and was looking forward to seeing Gerard again even under the circumstances.

He had no idea why Gerard had even wanted to kiss him but he did and for the first time in a while, that really made Frank want to smile.

He had a lot of questions for Gerard as he knew Gerard would have many for him.

He just hoped that when they spoke about the kiss as they undoubtedly would at some point, Gerard would speak the words that Frank wanted to hear.

                                                                                                -

Gerard quickly fetched Frank from the waiting room.

They sat facing each other, Gerard on one side of the desk, Frank on the other.

“Hey Frank.” Gerard said, offering him a small smile.

“Hey Gerard.” Frank spoke back, his voice small.

“How are you doing, honey?’ Damn. That just slipped out.

Frank didn’t seem too fazed by it. Instead he smiled slightly at the name and shrugged, looking down at his hoodie sleeves which he had pulled down over his fingers.

“Not great…”

Gerard nodded sympathetically. “We should talk about yesterday. You got upset when I tried to ask you how you were feeling, then you ran off and were found at the train tracks ready to jump in front of an oncoming train…What triggered that reaction Frank?” Gerard asked, holding his pen ready to take notes.

He decided he would ask Frank about last night before he even mentioned the kiss as Frank's health was much more important...even if he was itching to ask Frank about the kiss and maybe even do it again.

Frank didn’t look his psychiatrist in the face; instead he kept his eyes on his sleeves as he answered.

“I don’t know. I really don’t. Like sometimes these feelings just come over me and I can’t stop them. It’s like I have no control over my mind. My brain decides something whether it’s right or wrong and then…It’s like, that’s it. I can’t do anything but think about it and all these emotions just build up and I get so overwhelmed that I lash out or do something stupid. I guess that happened yesterday,” Frank confessed. “Everything just builds up and I can’t take it and I need to make it stop, no matter how.”

“And what was the thought that set it off yesterday? Was it something I said? I noticed you weren’t exactly in a brilliant mood before we started speaking, but…” Gerard said, concerned.

Frank fidgeted, not wanting to speak.

This was going to be awkward and would surely make Gerard want to speak about the kiss as well.

Frank finally spoke reluctantly.

“I don’t know why but…Like, I was in an awful mood anyway so I knew I was gonna snap over something, I was just hoping it wouldn’t be at you or my mom.”

“What is it Frank?” Gerard asked patiently. “What are you trying to tell me?”

Frank looked at Gerard for the first time since the session had started. He cringed inwardly before speaking.

“I just…I just suddenly got this thought that you hated me, and that you were just sick of seeing me and wished I could just kill myself already, properly this time, so you wouldn’t have to see me again.”

Gerard couldn’t help but let a shocked expression form on his face.

“Frank, what? Why would you think that?”

Frank cringed and looked away from Gerard again before muttering his reply.

“I know it sounds stupid now. But at the time it made perfect sense to me. I mean, I really don’t understand how someone like you could put up with someone like me anyway. Once I started thinking that you hated me, it made perfect sense that everyone else hated me too. My mom, my friends, my dad especially ‘cause he left. I just got it into my head that everyone hated me and I couldn’t stand it. I just wanted the voices inside my head telling me I’m worthless to stop, no matter how I had to do that. I don’t even know how I got to the train tracks but standing there it seemed like a perfect opportunity to end it all. And I guess that just shows that I’m not okay. I wasn’t even thinking and my brain just led me somewhere I could easily kill myself. How fucked up is that?”

Frank laughed bitterly then hid he face in his hands, not wanting Gerard to see he was about to cry.

                                                                                                -

Gerard couldn’t believe what he was hearing. How could someone like Frank hate himself this much?

“Oh god. Frank, come here, okay?” Gerard said, getting up from his seat and leading him over to one of the couches in the middle of the room.

Gerard pried Frank’s hands from his face and held them in his hands, rubbing his thumb over Frank’s hand in an attempt to comfort him.

“Listen to me, alright? I can assure you that your mom, your friends, even your dad don’t hate you. You are not worthless and you never could be. The world would not be better off without you, it would be so, so much worse. People need you. Your mom, for instance, she would be lost without you. She’s always banging on about you,” Gerard teased, making Frank smile.

“I mean it though Frank. I’m going to help you control your feelings to make sure something like this never happens again. But until then I want you to know that whenever your brain starts telling you that you're worthless and that you’d be better off dead, it's not true. And as for me hating you? I could never hate you Frank. Never. I hope you don’t ever doubt that again.”

Frank nodded at Gerard’s words and offered him a small smile that made Gerard’s heart swell.

Gerard let go of Frank’s hands and wrapped him into a hug instead.

Frank settled into the embrace and sighed against Gerard’s chest.

He knew they had a lot more to talk about but in that moment he was just happy to lie against Gerard’s warm chest and enjoy the comforting silence.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

After a few minutes, Gerard pulled back from Frank.

“You know, we should probably talk about this.” He gestured to the position they were in.

Although they were not embracing any longer, their bodies were far closer than would be normal for any other psychiatrist and his patient.

Frank nodded. “Yeah, I guess we should.”

Before Gerard could speak again Frank jumped in.

“I’m sorry for like, kissing you last night. I probably shouldn’t have done it, it just felt right. In the moment, I mean. It was stupid. I shouldn’t have jumped to the conclusion that you wanted it too.”

Gerard looked at Frank quizzically. “Do you regret it now?”

Frank looked Gerard right in the eyes and spoke without an ounce of doubt. “Actually, no I don’t. I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time and last night I just thought, _fuck it. The worst thing he’s gonna go is push me away._ But you didn’t. I still haven’t figured out why yet.”

Frank grinned shyly at Gerard.

                                                                                                -

Gerard smiled back at Frank.

“Yeah, I guess I’ve wanted to kiss you for a while myself,” he admitted.

Frank laughed. “Really? Wow, that’s insane. But like, in a good way. I was terrified after I kissed you. I thought you were gonna freak out and get all angry. But when you kissed back…” Frank stopped and grinned at Gerard, a blush forming on his cheeks.

“I just really liked kissing you Gerard.” Gerard smiled back at Frank and laced his fingers with his.

“I really liked kissing you too.”

                                                                                                -

This time Gerard was the one that made the move.

He pulled Frank onto his lap so Frank was straddling him and he leaned into him, tilting his face slightly to the side and placed a small kiss atop of Frank’s lips.

Frank smiled into the kiss and kissed back, deepening the kiss. He moved so his hands were placed atop of Gerard’s hips.

Gerard placed one of his hands on Frank’s hip and used the other one to cup Frank’s face.

They kissed silently for a few minutes until they both pulled back, blushing and slightly out of breath.

Gerard laughed happily and used his thumb that was still holding Frank’s face to gently caress his cheek. Frank smiled contentedly and leaned into Gerard’s touch.

                                                                                                -

Frank was the one who finally broke the comfortable silence.

“You know, I could sit here all day doing this, no question about it, but I’m pretty sure the hour’s nearly up and I wanted to ask you something.”

 “Oh? What’s that?” questioned Gerard whilst staring at Frank’s lips.

“Like, what does this mean? The kissing and stuff?” Frank asked, suddenly nervous at what Gerard’s answer would be.

“What do you want it to mean?” He asked.

“I don’t know, I just…I really like you, Gerard,” Frank said falteringly, unsure of how to explain himself.

“I don’t even know what it is about you, I mean, I’ve never even been with another guy before. I’ve never even thought about it. But I just got attached to you really quickly, and now I can't stop thinking about you, especially since we kissed yesterday.”

Frank hated to confess this but he needed to know if Gerard felt the same way.

He was relieved when a look of happiness spread over Gerard's face when he heard Frank's words.

                                                                                                -

“I really like you too Frank. And it’s the same with me; I’ve never felt this way about another guy before. But with you…It just feels right. I’ve wanted to kiss you for a long time too and now we’re here doing it, it feels great. I honestly never want to stop. I want to be with you too.”

Frank's heart leapt at those words. He couldn't believe that Gerard was reciprocating his feelings.

He had honestly never imagined that Gerard would want to be with him, but now he was actually hearing Gerard tell him he did.

He couldn't believe it.

However, Frank was quickly brought back down to reality with Gerard's next words.

“But, this” – he gestured to Frank’s position on top of him. “is wrong, at least that's what other people would think if anyone else saw us doing this. If someone walked in on us right now, that'd be it for me. I’d be arrested. You’re under age and I’m your doctor. Even though we both want this they’d see this as me taking advantage of you, especially cause of your mental state. I really want to be with you but I don't know if we should risk it. I just wish that we were closer to the same age so no one could tell us what to do or try to dictate how we feel about one another.” Gerard said, also not wanting to mention the fact that he was already in another relationship with Lindsey, a committed one at that.

He was with Lindsey and had been for the past few years, and he knew he should stay loyal to her.

He had never cheated on her before, not even with just a kiss. He loved her, he really did.

Yet since he had met Frank he had developed feelings for him really quickly.

At the same time his feelings for Lindsey had seemed to fizzle slightly.

He couldn't leave her, yet here was Frank basically offering him a relationship on a plate.

He didn't feel like he had enough self-control in him to refuse, neither did he want to.

                                                                                                -

Frank sighed, getting frustrated.

He wished things could be more simple but he knew Gerard was right.

He wanted to be with Gerard but he also didn’t want him to get into any trouble.

He couldn’t give a fuck about himself but if Gerard got into trouble over something he had a part in he didn’t think he’d be able to handle the guilt.

“Just forget about all that for a second, okay?” Frank begged. “Just hear me out. I know it’s illegal to be doing this but why is that? Cause people will think you’re taking advantage of me, right? But you’re not! I want this just as much as you. Besides, you’re twenty-two years old, Gerard. You’re young as fuck!”

Gerard, laughed at Frank’s rant. “Frank-“

“There’s only a five year age gap, Gerard!” Frank insisted. “That’s nothing! If I was twenty and you were twenty five no one would bat an eyelid. If we were to be in a relationship and were found out it would only be a problem cause I’m a minor or whatever, right?”

Gerard nodded.

“Well I’m eighteen in just a few months anyway, we’d just have to keep this under wraps until then. It’d be easy.”

Gerard laughed. “Frank, if we were to do this, it would not be easy.”

Frank put his hands up in mock defeat. “Okay, okay, I know I'm exaggerating. It wouldn't be easy. But fuck it! It’d be doable, right? All we'd have to do is keep this quiet for a few months until I turn eighteen. Then everyone can look down their snooty noses at us all they want, but they won’t be able to do a thing!”

Gerard laughed, amused at Frank’s plan.

“You make this sound so easy.”

“It is easy! I want you, you want me, there’s really no problem, right? We sneak around for a bit, be extra careful. I keep my mouth shut about us, you keep yours shut. I won't tell anyone, I promise, Gerard. I know how serious this is. But we both like each other, why should we deny ourselves to be with each other just cause some old man in government doesn't approve of it?”

                                                                                                -

Gerard laughed at Frank's simple view of things, wishing things could be as simple as the way Frank described them.

Yet, in the back of his mind Frank's words made sense to Gerard.

Why should they deny themselves to be together? In the end, it was really no one else's business anyway.

                                                                                                -

“You know what Frankie? Fuck it, you're right.” Gerard leant in for a kiss, pulling Frank closer to him than before.

Frank reciprocated the kiss, tangling his fingers in Gerard's hair.

After a few minutes Frank pulled away and grinned at Gerard. “Wait, what? Does this mean you want to be together?”

Gerard grinned back. “Yeah, I guess it means I do.”

                                                                                                -

Well, shit.

_What was he gonna do about Lindsey now?_

                                                                                                -

The next few days were pretty interesting for both Frank and Gerard.

Frank was sort of wandering in the haze of his new medication, sleeping either a lot or not at all and once again he had lost his appetite; yet he was also slightly happier.

He knew that it could not possibly be because of the drugs as they would take a few weeks to properly start working.

The source of his happiness was Gerard.

They now saw each other on Mondays as well on Fridays and Frank was enjoying the extra time he had with the man he could now call his boyfriend.

They would talk in therapy as that was its purpose, (although Frank would much rather have preferred to spend their sessions making out with Gerard, he also wanted to get better, for his mom, for Gerard and now for himself), however, the couple could not resist sneaking in a few kisses at the start and end of the sessions and sometimes even during it if Gerard wanted to comfort Frank.

They had also migrated to the couch instead of sitting at Gerard's desk and would cuddle whilst they talked.

Frank found this much easier than the formal setting they were used to.

He felt like he was just speaking casually with his boyfriend instead of being interrogated by the police or something.

He felt much more comfortable speaking snuggled into his boyfriend’s chest and he felt as though he was gradually letting some of the poison inside him leak out.

                                                                                                -

Gerard was also enjoying spending time with his new boyfriend.

He was, however, not enjoying sneaking around and keeping secrets from both Lindsey and Frank.

Lindsey would come to Gerard’s office every day during her lunch hour and they would eat together.

He’d kiss her goodbye and send her off to work, then welcome Frank into his office and into his arms.

He hated lying to them both, especially because he cared about them so much but he didn’t know what to do.

It was obvious to him that he didn’t feel as strongly about Lindsey as he used to, yet he didn’t want to break it off with her in case it didn’t work out with Frank.

He was being selfish and he knew that, he was just trying to take care of himself and his own interests instead of worrying about the people he was going to hurt.

                                                                                                -

He found being with Frank exciting; it was something new, yet he didn’t know if their relationship would last or not, so staying with Lindsey was like a back-up plan for him.

He still loved Lindsey and he couldn’t bring himself to breakup with her.

They had been together for a long time; they were engaged for goodness sake.

Yet at the moment he felt as though he was just existing with Lindsey, going through the motions with her.

It was Frank he was constantly thinking about.

He didn’t know if this was just because it was a new relationship but the thought of Frank was running through his mind twenty-four seven.

He felt disgusted with himself for juggling two relationships at one time.

He never, ever thought he would be the person to do something like that.

His mind was a mess and he knew he had to figure out what to do sooner rather than later.

After all, himself and Lindsey were engaged to be married and although they didn't have a date picked for the wedding, it was only a matter of time before Lindsey suggested one and started to plan her perfect day.

The thought of marriage now terrified Gerard, when once it had excited him.

                                                                                                -

He went through the days waking up next to Lindsey, kissing her goodbye and setting off for work, holding Frank and kissing him whilst wishing he could never stop, then leaving work and crawling back into bed at night with Lindsey again.

He was living a lie whilst both Frank and Lindsey survived in blissful ignorance.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

It was Monday morning.

Frank had just finished his first day back at school since he had tried to kill himself.

He walked to Gerard’s office after school, a sense of dread building inside him as he got closer and closer to the building.

He had had an awful day at school to say the least and he really didn’t want to talk about how he was feeling as he knew Gerard would make him.

                                                                                                -

He had woken up that morning after a week off school, terrified about the events the day would bring.

He walked into school, tired and annoyed with the lack of sleep he had gotten.

Seeing so many people crowding the halls of the school, both younger and older than him, terrified him and all at once he felt like he couldn’t breathe.

His breaths had begun to become shallow and his heart thumped inside his chest.

He had pressed himself against the walls of the wall, edging along towards his locker, using the wall for support as he felt he might collapse from nerves at any second.

He was deeply regretting his decision to return to school when Bob and Ray were suddenly behind him and pushing him into the nearby boys bathroom.

Once in there, they both enveloped Frank into a hug and then told him frankly to “Spill it.”

                                                                                                -

Frank had sighed, defeated.

He knew his absences from school were becoming more frequent and therefore more noticeable.

He also knew his mood swings had become more extreme in the past few months and there was a limit to how much Bob and Ray would take until they gave up.

So, with that in mind and the need to tell someone that wasn’t his mother or someone paid to listen to him and dole out pills, Frank told his friends what had been happening to him for the past few months.

He told them about his suicide attempts, the pills, the therapy, the threat of the hospital.

He, however, didn’t tell them about his relationship with Gerard.

That would’ve just been stupid.

His friends listened to Frank the whole time he was attempting to choke his words out and when he was finished they fixed him with the sad and sympathetic eyes he had been dreading.

Yet, they both also pulled him into another hug and told him with such sincerity that they were here for him, always, that he almost felt stupid for not telling them everything before.

                                                                                                -

That, however, was how good the day had gotten.

Throughout the day he was fixed with the same sympathetic glances by his teachers; looks that were not the same when they were from people who had bitched him out the week before for not completing a piece of homework.

It was fake sympathy and even if it wasn’t, the idea that he had people being sympathetic towards him at all disgusted him.

He didn’t want their stupid sympathy; he didn’t want people feeling sorry for him.

He didn’t want sympathy from his friends, so sympathy from his teachers was unbearable.

Although Gerard had often stressed to Frank that he was not sick, he was just sad, how he had been treated throughout the day left him feeling pretty god damn crazy.

                                                                                                -

The teachers he had for this year had had to be informed that he had tried to take his life for a second time and for the whole day, they had been giving him the ever famous sympathetic glances as well as bringing him aside at the end of the class to speak to him, making everyone else think he was even weirder than they already thought.

They kept saying the same teacher bullshit about how they were sorry he was feeling so bad at the moment and they were always there to talk.

One of them even suggested he see the school guidance counsellor.

Frank had had to hold in a sarcastic laugh at that.

The only counsellor of any kind he needed was Gerard.

He had missed him terribly throughout the day and by the time school had ended he was almost choking on his self-hatred.

He didn’t care that lately he had been feeling slightly better and had been clean from cutting for a few days.

He felt as though that had all been torn down as the day progressed.

He felt utterly hopeless.

For once he was glad he was going to therapy. It would be a distraction.

It would keep him away from home for a short while more, and more importantly it would keep him away from his razor blades.

He had one stored away in his pocket, yet he obviously couldn’t take it out in the middle of therapy and start casually cutting if everything got too much.

The longer he was in public and around other people for, the safer he would be.

All he wanted to do was see Gerard. No speaking, no kissing. He just wanted to crawl into his boyfriend’s arms and forget about everything for a little bit.

                                                                                                -

Yet, that was not exactly what had happened.

Frank had reached Gerard’s floor and flopped into a chair in the waiting room.

He was untangling his headphones so he could listen to some music whilst he waited for Gerard, when the door opened and out stepped the pretty young woman he had seen on many occasions.

Neither of them had noticed Frank's arrival as they looked so engrossed in each other at the moment.

The woman was smiling happily, as if she had just received the best news in all of the world.

She looked like she had been crying, although judging by the smile on her face, they had been happy tears.

Gerard looked absolutely bewildered, but he too also looked like he had been crying happily.

The woman in front of Frank had long black hair and bright red lipstick, some of which was smeared messily from what looked like kissing.

As he looked between them, Frank noticed a tinge of the same bright red lipstick seemed to be imprinted on Gerard’s lips.

Frank’s heart began to quicken and he felt like he suddenly couldn’t breathe.

His eyes shot down to Gerard’s hands and saw them clutched by this woman’s own pair.

Frank didn’t think things could get any worse, yet as he saw this awful woman lean in and kiss Gerard straight on the lips he knew that yes, things could get much, much worse.

It was even worse when Gerard actually returned the woman’s kiss, much less enthusiastically so yes, but he did so all the same.

It confirmed Frank’s worse fears, that this was not some lonely woman, who had developed a ridiculous crush on her psychiatrist.

It was doubtful she was even here for therapy as Frank had once thought. No, this woman was obviously a girlfriend of Gerard’s, maybe even a wife.

                                                                                                -

Frank watched the woman hug Gerard warmly and lean in for another kiss before she waved him goodbye and sauntered out of the waiting room.

Suddenly, everything seemed to tumble down upon Frank all at once.

                                                                                                -

Gerard had been sitting in his office that Monday, writing notes for his files.

Although his pen was on the paper, he wasn’t concentrating on his work; instead he trusted his brain to relay what he was trying to say onto paper whilst his mind was elsewhere.

Gerard was waiting for Lindsey to come to his office during their shared lunch hour so they could eat together and talk.

Gerard usually enjoyed this time with his fiancée as it gave him a break from writing notes between each appointment.

Yet today he was dreading it.

He had been tearing his hair out over the whole Lindsey/Frank situation for the past few days and today he had finally come to a decision.

He wanted to be with Frank.

For once he was going to ignore his mind and go with his heart. His heart told him he wanted to be with Frank and he agreed.

He wasn’t sure in the past but now it was clear to him.

He liked Lindsey, she was a great person and they had enjoyed an amazing relationship, yet as Frank came into his life Gerard’s feelings for Lindsey had lessened and drained away.

                                                                                                -

Gerard was sure that Lindsey had become aware of the fact he didn’t feel as strongly towards to her as he had done before, as he had been treating her differently without even realising it.

He was reluctant to be intimate with her and he wanted space from her the majority of the time, as opposed to how he had wanted to be with her 24/7 at the start of the relationship.

Gerard knew he was hurting her through his actions and it needed to stop, for his sake as well as hers.

He was lucky neither Frank nor Lindsey had caught him with the other and he decided to quit while he was ahead.

He couldn’t string Lindsey along any longer. He had to end their relationship.

Gerard knew she’d take it hard and he himself would be upset too, yet it was unfair to carry on like this any further, stringing her along and hurting her in the process.

Someone would have to move out of the flat they shared and they would have to divide their shared belongings.

He was sure their friends would probably end up taking sides too; although they would all most likely take Lindsey’s side as she would be seen as the innocent victim whilst Gerard was the horrible guy who broke the supposed love of his life’s heart for no apparent reason.

It was almost like going through a mini divorce, yet Gerard knew it would be better for them all.

                                                                                                -

Their relationship couldn’t go anywhere if Gerard was in love with someone else.

As soon as Gerard ended things with Lindsey, he would be free to be with Frank.

Although there would still be the problem of Frank’s age and Gerard’s position, at least there would be one less hurdle to get over in their relationship.

Maybe Lindsey would find someone new as well and she would secretly thank him for breaking things off in years to come?

Okay, maybe that was a bit overly optimistic, but still.

These things happen.

He’d hurt Lindsey but she’d get over it eventually, he knew she would.

Gerard wanted to mourn the end of a relationship he had been in for so long, yet the thought of being with Frank overpowered those feelings.

He knew he sounded like an awful person but at that moment, Gerard didn’t care. He just wanted Lindsey to arrive so he could end things with her and leave him to be free with Frank.

                                                                                                -

Yet as Lindsey arrived in his office that afternoon, Gerard didn’t have chance to say a word.

Lindsey burst into his office, her dark hair wild and free from the wind.

Her cheeks were flushed as if she had just run all the way to Gerard’s office.

The fact that she was slightly out of breath suggested she had.

There was a sense of urgency about her, but the huge smile plastered on to her face told Gerard she had good news.

Gerard stood up to go to her but he didn’t get too far as she came running over to him instead, wrapping him in a hug that was so forceful it almost knocked the wind out of him.

Gerard wrapped his arms around Lindsey but she was quickly out of his embrace and holding him at arm’s length excitedly.

“What?” asked Gerard, eager to hear the news that had gotten her so excited. All thoughts of ending things with Frank had been temporarily pushed aside.

Lindsey laughed happily and fumbled with the buttons of her coat, trying to undo the buttons to her pockets but failing because of the combination of the cold weather she had just come in from and her excitement.

“I noticed recently I was feeling kinda sick for no reason and I’m a few days late so I went to the drugstore earlier and…Oh, Gerard, I’m so happy!”

“Why? What’s going on?” Gerard asked urgently, although he was pretty sure what she was going to say already.

Lindsey finally undid her coat pocket and thrust her hand inside.

A few seconds later she pulled out a white object. “I’m pregnant!” she cried excitedly, her eyes welling up with happiness and thrust the pregnancy test into Gerard’s hand.

She laughed happily again and thrust herself into Gerard’s arms, squeezing him tightly and burying her face into his neck.

“I know we’re young but it’s not like teenagers or anything and we’ve been together for like two years now anyway so it’s not like this wasn’t going to happen someday. We already have a place as well; it’s perfect!” Gerard tuned out Lindsey's voice as she babbled on excitedly and stared at the pregnancy test in his hands over Lindsey’s shoulder.

He squeezed her back, hugging her hard as few tears of happiness streamed down his face; all thoughts of Frank temporarily forgotten.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Gerard was still struggling to digest this information when Lindsey realised their lunch hour was nearly over.

She got up hurriedly and gathered her things, both of them having forgotten to eat anything at all.

They had spent the entire lunch hour talking excitedly about their new baby and how amazing it would be to have a child.

Lindsey knew if she didn’t hurry she would be late back for work so she walked to the door and opened it, stepping out into the waiting room before turning back around to face Gerard.

She fixed Gerard with a large smile and grabbed his hands, holding them with her own.

She kissed Gerard on the lips and smiled into the kiss and she felt him kiss back. “I better go then…I’ll see you tonight, okay?”

Gerard fixed Lindsey with a smile of his own and nodded. “Okay, Lindsey.” She leant forward and wrapped her arms around his, happy to feel his own arms squeezing her tightly, her hair under his nose.

Lindsey finally pulled away and smiled at Gerard. “Bye then, Gerard. Love you.”

 “Bye Linds,” Gerard grinned back. “See you tonight. Love you too.”

Lindsey leaned in for another kiss then waggled her fingers to say goodbye as she sauntered out of the room, still smiling.

Gerard smiled happily to himself, watching his fiancée disappear around the corner.

                                                                                                -

Once again, his mind turned towards Frank. His mind had been temporarily focused entirely on Lindsey and the news of the baby but now she had gone he had more room to think and his once calm mind was in turmoil again.

The news of the baby was amazing but it couldn’t have come at a worse time.

Gerard had been all set to break up with Lindsey but now with the news of the baby it would almost be impossible.

For one, it was the wrong thing to do, but on the other hand if he broke up with Lindsey now she could react badly and refuse to let him see the baby, purely out of spite.

Gerard knew he couldn’t handle that.

                                                                                                -

Gerard wished he could just go home and think about this on his own for a few hours instead of having to endure the rest of his appointments.

Yet he knew if he went home he would just overthink and that couldn't possibly lead to anything good.

Besides, his next appointment was with Frank and Gerard didn’t feel as though he could go without seeing him.

No matter how depressing their talks could get, Gerard always felt happier after seeing Frank.

Gerard slipped out of his mini trance and looked around the room; realising Frank should be arriving any minute.

He almost jumped out of his skin when his eyes rested on Frank who was sitting down in a nearby chair, looking murderous, his hands gripping his headphones so tightly that his knuckles were white.

Gerard realised with a sinking feeling in his stomach that Frank had seen everything.

Fuck.

                                                                                                -

Gerard walked towards Frank slowly, wishing the ground could swallow him up so he didn’t have to deal with Frank’s reaction to seeing him kiss Lindsey.

“Frank, I-“

Frank shot up from the chair and backed away from him, fixing him with an angry glare.

“What the fuck was that? Or more like who the fuck was that?”

“That was uh, that was Lindsey,” Gerard stammered his face flushing.

“Oh yeah? And why the hell were you kissing her when you’re supposed to be with me, Gerard?” Frank shouted, furiously wiping his watery eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie, not wanting Gerard to know he had made him cry.

“Frankie, I-“

 “Don’t call me that! Don’t you dare call me that, Gerard. You lost the right to call me my nickname when you kissed another woman. What the fuck, Gerard? What are you doing?”

“Frank, I’m sorry! Please, just come into my office so we can talk about this. If you don’t stop shouting someone’s going to come up here and check on us. Seeing you shouting at me like this won’t look good at all, in fact it’ll look awful,” Gerard said desperately trying to reason with Frank.

Frank laughed bitterly. “Oh, I see how it is. You don’t want anyone to come up here so I’ll tell them your dirty little secret; is that it?”

Gerard wanted to scream in frustration. “Fuck Frank, no! I just don’t want someone coming up here and seeing you shouting at me, thinking you’re getting violent or dangerous or something. It’ll cause more trouble than it’s worth.”

“Yeah, well that someone won’t know you deserve to be shouted at, asshole!” shouted Frank, begrudgingly storming into the office.

In the back of his mind he knew Gerard was right no matter how much he didn’t want to admit it.

                                                                                                -

As soon as Gerard had walked into the office after him and closed the door, Frank fixed him with an icy glare.

“Alright, we’re in your office. Now tell me. Who the fuck was that?”

 “That was Lind-“

“Lindsey, yeah I got that. But the real question here is, why the fuck were you kissing her?”

Gerard sank into his desk chair and rested his head in his hands. When he looked back up at Frank again his eyes were red and he was ready to cry. He was going to lose Frank, he knew it. The only thing for it was to tell the truth and beg for Frank’s forgiveness.

“She’s…She’s my fiancée Frank.”

                                                                                                -

The office was so silent that Gerard had no doubt that if a pin was dropped in that instant it would sound as loud as an earthquake.

Gerard stared at Frank as his face began to pale. Then he began to laugh bitterly.

“Ha, okay. And here’s me thinking she was just your girlfriend or something. But no, she’s your fiancée! Well that’s great, I’m happy for you guys. Congrat-u-fucking-lations Gerard!” Frank began to laugh hysterically as he paced the office back and forth.

“How long have you been together?”

“Frank, I really don’t think-“

“How long Gerard?!”

Gerard sighed.

“We’ve only been engaged for a few months but we’ve been together for about two years.”

Frank laughed again. “Oh really? Next you’ll be telling me she’s fucking pregnant or something.”

Gerard said nothing, looking ashamed. He couldn’t believe this was happening, especially as he had been so close to breaking things off with Lindsey.

He thought it would be Lindsey he’d end up hurting, not Frank.

He couldn’t stand to see Frank in front of him looking so angry, yet looking like he was about to cry at the same time.

Frank shook his head. “I can’t believe this. This is just too fucking perfect. I just- I can’t. I can’t do this anymore Gerard. This is just too much.”

                                                                                                                -

“Frank, I was about to break up with her, I swear!”

Frank stopped pacing and whipped around to face Gerard. “Don’t fucking lie to me!! Just fucking don’t, okay?!”

Gerard began to cry, a few tears silently dripped down his face as he let his pent up frustration out.

“You’ve already hurt me so much Gerard, just please let me have a bit of dignity. Don’t lie to me,” Frank choked out, crying himself now. “The worst part is, I really thought you were different. I really liked you Gerard. If even _you_ are lying to me then what’s the point? What’s the point of trying or living or anything? What’s the point of it all?”

Gerard cried harder. “Please Frankie. I’m not lying. I want to be with you, I swear!”

Frank shook his head and pointed his finger at Gerard. “Don’t lie to me!” He stopped pacing the floor and stood still mumbling to himself. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do it.”

Suddenly a look of determination crossed Frank’s face as he pushed past Gerard and walked into Gerard’s small bathroom, slamming the door after him.

Once inside he began to breathe heavily, panicking even more.

He just couldn’t believe what had happened.

If Gerard, someone he trusted and cared for above all else, someone he truly liked, could do something as awful to this to him, what was the point of life anymore?

The world was a horrible, cruel place and right now it disgusted him.

Gerard disgusted him.

He disgusted himself.

                                                                                                -

Before Frank could change his mind, he dug deep into his pocket and quickly found what he was looking for: the small razorblade he had found stashed in his pocket earlier.

He sank down onto the cold bathroom floor and rested his head against the wall as he cut vertically into each of his wrists, hoping he'd cut deep enough so he wouldn't wake up.

He knew another suicide attempt meant he would be sent away, but at that point he didn’t care; he wanted to be numb for a few hours no matter what it took.

He hoped he wouldn't be saved this time.

There was no air bag to block his head from smashing into the steering wheel, no seat belt to stop him from going through the windscreen, no stranger to pull him back from the train tracks.

It was just him and a bathroom and a blade.

It was up to him to cut deep enough and end it all. Failing this was the worst thing he could do.

He never wanted to leave the safety of the bathroom and re-enter the real world where he could hear Gerard shouting out to him and banging against the locked door.

Frank winced at pain of his severed wrists yet he felt nothing but relief as he watched his blood flowing rapidly out of his wrists.

He leant his head against the door and closed his eyes, waiting until he was weak enough to fall asleep, hoping he'd never have to open his eyes again.

                                                                                                -

On the other side of the bathroom door Gerard was shouting at Frank to open the door, yanking on the handle and shoving against it with his shoulder.

He was terrified at what Frank might be doing at the other side of the door and was desperately thanking whichever god was out there that the lock on the door was pretty dodgy and would most likely give way if he shoved into it hard enough.

Gerard could hear nothing from Frank’s side of the door and that terrified him even more.

At least if he could hear Frank crying or something it would mean he was still conscious.

Yet he couldn’t hear a thing.

He was under no illusions; he knew how unstable Frank was and he was terrified that the news of his relationship with Lindsey had pushed him over the edge.

If Frank was in there hurting himself or worse because of something he had done, Gerard knew he could never forgive himself.

                                                                                                -

Gerard groaned in frustration and walked to the other side of the room before walking quickly back towards the door and shoving into it again with even more force than before.

He did this a few times until he was sure the door could not be budged.

He was about to give up when he thought about Frank on the other side of the door.

With that thought in mind he mustered up all his strength and shoved into the door as hard as he could.

The lock on the door finally loosened and the door flew open, sending Gerard falling into the bathroom.

The momentary shock he felt after getting into the bathroom was quickly overtaken by horror as he caught sight of Frank slumped against the wall; his wrists opened and blood leaking out of them, a bloody razor blade at his side.

He wasn’t moving and Gerard’s face drained of all colour.

 _Oh god,_ he thought.

He couldn’t be dead, he just _couldn’t._

This couldn’t be happening.

                                                                                                -

Gerard dropped to his knees and made his way over Frank and let out a low whine at the sight of Frank’s wrists.

He began to cry, tears dripping down his face and clouding his vision.

How could this be happening?

He grabbed one of Frank’s hands and squeezed it tightly, hoping for a response from Frank.

Nothing.

Gerard was desperate now as he placed his fingers on Frank’s neck and held his breath, hoping to feel a heartbeat.

Gerard sighed in relief as he felt Frank’s heartbeat; slow, faint and barely there but there all the same.

“Thank god. Oh, thank god,” Gerard repeated to himself over and over again.

                                                                                                -

He grabbed Frank’s other hand and squeezed them both, bringing Frank’s hands up to his cheek and holding them against his face.

“It’s gonna be okay, Frankie. It’s gonna be okay,” Gerard repeated to himself, desperately hoping it was true.

Beside him, Frank’s eyes fluttered open for a second and fixed on Gerard before closing again exhaustedly.

Gerard gripped Frank’s hands harder. “Oh god Frankie, I’m so sorry,” Gerard cried. “This is all my fault, I’m so so sorry.”

Gerard shrugged off his waistcoat and wrapped it around both of Frank’s wrists. “I’m gonna go get help Frankie, okay? Just stay here baby, okay? Don’t die on me Frank, please don’t die.”

Gerard kissed Frank’s forehead and shakily got to his feet. He didn’t know if Frank could even hear him, but Gerard kept talking to him anyway. “I’m just gonna go to the phone, okay? I’ll just be out here. I’ll be right back, I promise.”

                                                                                                -

Gerard rushed into his office and stumbled into his desk in a rush to get to the phone.

He clutched the white phone tightly, his knuckles draining of colour.

Gerard’s hands were dripping blood from touching Frank’s blood soaked body so the phone was quickly soaked in the dark liquid; the dark red a huge contrast to the clean and sterile white it had been before.

Gerard stabbed the buttons hastily, quickly reaching 911. “I need an ambulance like now. My name's Gerard Way, I’m a psychiatrist. One of my patients just slit their wrists in my bathroom. You need to hurry, his heart is barely beating and he’s lost so much blood already. Please just get here quickly,” he stammered into the phone, choking on his words.

The woman on the other end of the line asked Gerard the address and he gave it to her, stumbling over the words, his voice rasping from crying so much.

As soon as the woman on the phone assured him an ambulance was on its way, Gerard thanked her, slammed down the phone and rushed back to Frank.

He collapsed onto his knees and grabbed hold of Frank’s hands, squeezing them tightly. “Please stay with me Frankie. Please don’t go,” he cried.

                                                                                                -

Gerard stayed with Frank until he heard sirens wailing in the distance. After another few minutes he heard some paramedics burst into his office.

“We’re in here!” he screamed.

They quickly rushed into the room and knelt down beside Frank, trying their best to elevate the bleeding.

Someone yanked Gerard’s arm and brought him to his feet so he’d be out of the way.

“What's his name?” someone asked.

“Frank Iero.” Gerard whispered, staring at Frank as the paramedics worked on him, biting the skin around his nails to deeply that his fingers began to bleed.

Tears dripped down his face and he wrapped his arms around himself, horrified at the situation unfolding in front of him.

He wished he could go back in time so this would never have happened.

Even if it meant never meeting Frank, anything would have been better than Frank wanting to die again, especially as it was because of him.

Everything was his fault, if he had just left Frank alone none of this would ever have happened.

                                                                                                -

Gerard must have zoned out for a minute or so because he was suddenly being lightly shaken by one of the paramedics whilst Frank was being taken out of the room on a stretcher, his wrists wrapped up.

The woman gave Gerard a concerned look. Gerard was thankful that she didn’t know the real reason why Gerard was so upset.

“Hey, I'm Sarah. Gerard, is it?” He nodded.

“Okay well we’re going to take Frank to the hospital now, do you want to come?” Gerard nodded vigorously, terrified of being away from Frank.

They left the building and quickly climbed inside the ambulance, ignoring the stares from the passerbys on the street.

                                                                                                -

Frank was lying down, still unconscious at the ambulance roared to life and sped off down the street, its sirens blaring.

Gerard gripped Frank’s hand and cried harder as if he could squeeze some life back into the broken boy.

Sarah sat beside Gerard, fixed him with a sympathetic look and squeezed his arm comfortingly.

“You seem like you’re very close to Frank,” she commented kindly.

Gerard nodded. “Yeah…,” he agreed. “But this,” he gestured to Frank. “It’s all my fault. I couldn’t save him.”

After that Gerard was crying too hard to speak.

He buried his head in the crook of Sarah’s neck as she rubbed his back comfortingly and told him it really wasn’t his fault; that Frank was unstable and something like this was bound to happen sooner or later.

Yet Gerard knew the truth. It was his fault, his words and actions that had pushed him over the edge.

He couldn’t save him.

It was because of him that Frank had tried to kill himself.

It was because of him that Frank was barely alive.

It was because of him that Frank might die.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

Gerard sat in the waiting room with his head in his hands, still unable to stop crying.

Frank had been taken away from him as soon as they had arrived at the hospital and he was aching from the loss of him.

Although he had begged to stay with him, he hadn't been allowed and some weird looks had also been thrown at him in the process.

Maybe they had assumed that the reason that Gerard was so torn up over Frank’s suicide attempt was the fact that it had happened in his office. Yet the sight of Gerard crying over his seventeen year old patient and acting like he couldn’t bear to be parted from him, had still raised some eyebrows.

Gerard was just thankful that no one knew the real reason why he was so heartbroken over the idea of losing Frank once again.

He had desperately tried to rein in his emotions, yet he was unable to.

                                                                                                -

He sat in the waiting room, shaking and choking out sobs, the image of Frank slumped against his bathroom wall with his wrists slit, whirling around his brain.

The kind paramedic, Sarah, had sat with him for a while, bringing him cups of tea for shock and trying to rub his back soothingly.

It had helped slightly but within half an hour she was called out to another emergency. Gerard had watched her through a window in the waiting room as she jumped into the waiting ambulance. He had wished he could go with her; anything to get away from the hospital and the image of Frank haunting him, knowing he was just meters away in a room Gerard wasn’t allowed in to, maybe dying.

                                                                                                -

He had managed to pull himself together long enough to call Frank’s mother.

She had told him she was on her way and Gerard was now just waiting for her to arrive, biting his nails and trying, very unsuccessfully, to stop crying.

He didn’t know what he would say to her when she arrived but he needed someone beside him who was going through the same thing as he was.

He needed someone who understood him; who felt the same gnawing feeling in his heart. Gerard wanted to see her, yet the idea of facing her, also terrified him.

He was sure Linda would blame him for her son trying to kill himself yet again and he didn’t blame her at all, in fact he felt the exact same way.

This entire thing was his fault. After all, Frank had tried to kill himself three times in the space of a few months, two of his attempts had been whilst he was seeing Gerard, and one was even in Gerard’s company.

Gerard just couldn’t help but think that this entire thing was his fault.

He was poisonous to Frank.

                                                                                                -

Gerard was shocked at just how exhausted Linda had sounded on the phone.

She was upset yet she barely sounded surprised anymore, as if she was just waiting for the next time Frank would try to kill himself.

That made Gerard feel like the worst person in the world.

Linda had trusted him to make Frank feel better and he had let her down so badly.

He couldn't stand the guilt he felt and although he knew that this wasn't entirely his fault, he just wanted to get down on his knees and beg for Linda's forgiveness repeatedly.

                                                                                                -

Gerard knew that the police officers he had made a deal with would now reinforce their command that Frank would be sent to Bellville psych ward.

However, he was terrified of how Frank would deal with being taken from his mother and forced to live by someone else's rules. He would hate it, Gerard knew that. That was part of the reason Gerard had fought for Frank to stay out of that place after the whole train tracks incident.

Yet there was nothing Gerard could do to prevent it this time, after all he couldn't dispute the law, and he had already pushed his luck defending Frank the first time.

However, he could bet that no one would have expected Frank to attempt to take his life a mere week after he had attempted to take it last time.

Gerard was sure people were shaking their heads, feeling sorry for Frank for having such a useless psychiatrist as Gerard.

Gerard knew he was good at his job and he had been making good progress with Frank in the few weeks leading up to today.

Gerard also knew Frank was severely depressed and the first two times he had tried to kill himself were a result of this and were not his fault.

Sadly, he also knew that the news of his relationship with Lindsey was what had pushed Frank over the edge this time.

He wished it wasn't true but it was and there was nothing Gerard could do to hide from it. He felt terrible.

Frank had put his trust in Gerard and he had just abused it; creating even more problems from Frank than he'd had before.

However, no matter how many problems Gerard had caused for Frank, none of them were intentional.

He was caught in a web between right and wrong; between his feelings for Frank and his need to be there for his pregnant fiancée and his unborn baby.

However, no matter whether it was right or wrong, he really, really liked Frank.

It was pretty undeniable and the thought of being separated from him as he was left to rot in a psych ward made Gerard’s heart wrench.

He didn’t think he could bear being separated from Frank, yet in the back of his mind he wondered if maybe this was what Frank needed the most right now.

Maybe being away from Gerard and all the problems he brought could help Frank focus on getting better.

However, Gerard hoped that being cut off from his support system wouldn’t make things even worse for Frank.

He was terrified about being separated from Frank and also of how Frank would take the news. The only thing Gerard could take comfort in was the fact that he wouldn’t be able to hurt himself whilst he’d be in the hospital.

He’d be safe and that was all that Gerard could hope for at that time. If he made it that was. The thought made Gerard's blood run cold.

He couldn't imagine a life without Frank.

He desperately tried to push the horrible thought away, yet it was firmly imprinted in his mind. The fact that he couldn't do anything to help Frank terrified Gerard.

He felt totally helpless and was desperate for some news yet at the same time he would happily stay in the waiting room forever, not knowing if Frank was alive or dead.

That way it would be a sort of Schrödinger's Cat situation and his heart would be protected; it would never fully break in two.

                                                                                                -

Linda arrived shortly after Gerard rang her.

She flopped into a chair beside Gerard and leant her head against the wall, closing her eyes. Her face was drawn and pale, much thinner than Gerard remembered.

The bags under her eyes were purple and her hands were shaking slightly.

“He-,” Gerard began to speak but Linda held up her hand without opening her eyes.

“I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear what he did this time, Gerard. I just want this whole nightmare to end,” she said softly but firmly, her voice slightly quivering as a tear dripped down her face.

Gerard nodded even though her eyes were still shut, and leant his own head against the wall, his eyes fixed on the flickering lights hanging from the ceiling.

                                                                                                -

That was how Frank’s doctor had found them an hour or so later as he held his clipboard tightly against his chest.

He cleared his throat and Gerard and Linda turned to look at him, their hands finding each other and grasping together tightly.

They sat up straighter and held their breath, terrified at what would be said about Frank’s condition.

Yet the few little words spoken by the doctor seemed like the six most heavenly sounds in the English language in that moment. “Frank is going to be alright.”

                                                                                                -

Frank’s doctor spoke to his mother aside for a few minutes whilst Gerard stayed sitting.

He was desperate to know more details about Frank’s condition yet, he was still extremely content that Frank was safe, that he was going to be alright, and that he was alive.

Gerard knew it’d be a hard road from then on, but at this stage he really didn’t care.

He didn’t care what he would have to go through to make Frank happier and to make him see that life was worth living. He didn’t care if it took forever and a day; he’d stay with Frank; he’d be there for him every step of the way.

Gerard didn’t even know if Frank would even want to speak to him anymore after he had admitted to being with Lindsey, and he definitely knew he wouldn’t be able to be Frank’s doctor anymore once he was moved to the psych ward, yet that didn’t faze him at all.

He had become so enamoured with the younger boy in the past few months that Gerard was pretty sure he would walk on hot coals to make Frank feel better for even a fraction of a second.

                                                                                                -

Looking back on the past few weeks, Gerard couldn’t believe that he had thought for a second that staying with both Lindsey and Frank would be a good idea.

Gerard knew that that would be something he would regret for the rest of his life, especially considering his actions were what had landed Frank in the hospital.

But now it seemed as though his mind was clearer than ever before. It was Frank that Gerard wanted to be with.

He wanted to be with him; be the one to hold him in the middle of the night when his demons were whispering their poisonous thoughts into his mind, be the one Frank could come home to after school, and eventually after work.

He wanted Frank to be the one he went on dates with, and watched crappy tv shows with, cuddling on the couch and kissing during the commercials.

                                                                                                -

The idea of being cut off from his baby by Lindsey terrified him and at this stage he really didn’t know how he would admit to her that he wanted to be with someone else, yet he knew that this time he needed to do it.

The fact that Lindsey was pregnant couldn’t change everything.

Gerard needed to be there for Frank; he was so broken and he needed someone to help put him back together.

Gerard had promised to be that person, and the idea that that would end had made Frank want to die all over again.

Frank was so fragile but Gerard didn’t want that for him anymore.

He wanted to be Frank’s and take care of him until he was happier.

He just hoped that Frank would let him do that, and would not abandon him after the horrible things Gerard had done to him.

He wanted this to work and he really hoped, above anything, that Frank was willing.

                                                                                                -

Gerard was staring into space while this all ran through his mind, however he was snapped out of his thoughts when Linda sat back down beside him and spoke his name softly.

“Gerard?”

He turned around to face her.

“Huh? Oh sorry, Linda, I was just thinking about Frank…” Linda nodded and placed her hand on Gerard’s arm.

“I’ve just been speaking to Frank’s doctor.” Gerard nodded as he already knew this.

“What did he say?” he asked urgently.

“He said Frank lost a lot of blood, almost too much. He almost didn’t make it,” she said sadly. Gerard felt himself shiver at the thought of Frank not making it.

“Oh god, Linda, I’m so sorry,” said Gerard sadly.

Linda waved her hand away to dismiss Gerard’s sympathy.

“It doesn’t matter, what matters now is that he’s safe. He’s alive, that’s all I care about.”

Gerard nodded.

“But remember the deal we made Gerard?” she continued.

He nodded again.

“Well its happening. As soon as Frank’s okay they’re going to move him upstairs to the psych ward,” she sighed; frustrated.

“I don’t know what to do, Gerard. I can’t deal with this any longer. I’ve been going through this whole thing since Frank was fifteen. I can’t do it any longer. I don’t think I could handle it. I’m going to go see Frank now, he’s still asleep, and afterwards I’m going to go bring him some clothes from home. But then that’s it. I can’t see him like this anymore, I really can’t.”

“What are you saying, Linda?” asked Gerard, horrified at what she was insinuating.

Linda looked at Gerard pointedly.

“I’m saying I can’t see Frank until he’s better. It sounds awful, I know, but you can’t understand until you've seen someone you love more than anything in the entire world, trying to kill themselves over and over again. It breaks your heart every single day. If I see him start to get better and then fall apart after a few months yet again, I don’t think I could handle it. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen Frank like this. I love him more than anything in the entire world, but he’s never going to be okay, he’s too far gone for that.”

Gerard stared at Linda whose eyes had welled up with tears. He felt enraged.

“So you’re just going to leave him when he needs you most?! What is wrong with you?!” he yelled.

“I’m sorry Gerard,” she said softly. “There’s just only so much I can take.”

                                                                                                -

Linda got up from her seat and walked down the hallway.

“I’m going to say goodbye to Frank.”

Gerard sat stunned in his seat for a minute or so before he leapt up from his seat and followed Linda down the hall.

                                                                                                -

He stopped walking when he saw Frank’s room and looked into his room through the small window.

He saw Frank unconscious in bed with his wrists bandaged tightly and his mother sobbing at his side.

Gerard felt like he was intruding so he turned away and walked down the hall back to his seat, feeling embarrassed and guilty.

Frank’s mom came up to Gerard after about twenty minutes.

Her eyes were red from crying as she walked up to him.

“You can go see Frank now. I’m going to bring him some clothes and his toothbrush and things; I’ll leave them with you.”

Gerard nodded and she turned on her heel and walked down the pristine hallway away from her son.

                                                                                                -

Gerard got to his feet shakily and walked to Frank’s room. He lowered himself softly onto Frank’s bed, not wanting to wake up the sleeping teen.

He took hold of one of Frank’s hands, remembering to be careful of the bandages and stroked the back of his hand with his thumb.

“I’m so sorry Frankie,” he whispered to the sleeping teen.

“I really am. It’s going to be okay though; I promise you that. I know you probably hate me right now, but I want you to know something - I love you Frank, I love you so much. I’m sorry it took so long for me to realise it but I’m never, ever going to be so blind and stupid again.”

Gerard leant forward and kissed Frank's cheek softly before sitting back and admiring the sleeping boy in front of him. “I love you Frank, I really, really do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are really appreciated! :)


	17. Chapter Seventeen

Gerard stayed at Frank’s side holding his hand for what seemed like hours.

Linda snuck into the hospital room after an hour or so, moving quietly so as not to disturb her sleeping son.

Gerard had dropped Frank’s hand like it was on fire as soon as Linda’s face appeared at the door.

The fact that he had to drop the hand of the person he loved and pretend like he didn’t have any romantic feelings towards Frank at all, made Gerard feel guilty and ashamed.

Yet, he knew he had to hide his and Frank’s relationship if it was to survive. That was, if they still had a relationship.

Thankfully Linda didn’t notice a thing as she was wrapped up in her own thoughts.

She placed a suitcase filled with some of Frank’s clothes at the side of Frank’s bed and spoke without looking Gerard in the eyes.

“Here are the clothes I said I’d bring Frank,” she said. “I brought his toothbrush and things too, and a few of his books. I didn’t bother bringing his phone or his earphones, even though I know he’d want them. I wasn't sure if they were allowed or not. If they are I can-“

“No, they’re not,” Gerard said, cutting her off before she could continue.

Linda just nodded, still avoiding Gerard’s gaze. She turned to go and had her hand on the door handle before Gerard jumped up and put his hand on her arm to stop her.

“Linda are you sure this is a good idea?” he asked.

“You really don’t have to do this. Frank really needs you!” he pleaded with her.

He remembered the first time he had met Frank and what he had said. _“I never meant to hurt her.”_

It was clear Frank thought a lot of his mother and hated hurting her like this.

Gerard dreaded to think of how Frank would deal with his mother abandoning him.

However, Linda just shook her head, looking like she was holding in tears.

“Frank doesn’t need me,” she gestured to her sleeping son with his wrists wrapped up bandages and an IV feeding blood into his veins to replace what he had lost. “Look where my support has got him.”

She turned to look at Gerard for the first time since she had entered the room and fixed him with a determined gaze.

“Frank has you now. You can help him more than I ever could. You will do that for me, won’t you Gerard? You will look after my Frankie?”

Gerard nodded, a lump forming in his throat.

He sensed this was the last time he would see Linda for a very long time.

“Good,” Linda said, her voice cracking.

She drew Gerard into a hug and he leaned against her, feeling her motherly comfort.

The hug was over far too soon, however, and Linda stepped out of the embrace.

She placed her hand back onto the handle of the door once again.

“Goodbye Gerard,” she said, her gaze slightly flickering to her son. “I’ll see you again.”

                                                                                                -

Gerard watched her go and was unable to stop a few tears of his own falling down his face as he watched his boyfriend’s mother burst into tears as soon as she left the room and hurry down the hall before she could change her mind.

Gerard sat back in his seat and once again clasped Frank’s hand.

He was shaking slightly but squeezed his boyfriend’s hand as if to transfer all his strength into the sleeping teen.

                                                                                                -

It was a few more hours until Frank woke up.

Several nurses had passed through in the hours that Frank had been asleep, stopping to check Frank's vitals and ask Gerard if he wanted a coffee brought to him.

It was obvious that everyone thought Gerard was extremely dedicated to his job, and that made them treat him with respect.

They obviously admired how much he cared for Frank.

Gerard had had to sadly explain to them that Frank’s mother didn’t want to see Frank until he was better and Frank had never known his father, meaning Gerard was the one person Frank had left in the world.

The nurses had cooed in sympathy and when he had meekly accepted the coffees they offered, they were brought to him loaded with cream.

                                                                                                -

It was now just a case of waiting for Frank to wake up naturally as his doctor had figured it would be the best thing for Frank.

Waking up when all he wanted was to die would obviously be horribly traumatic for Frank and his doctor wanted to hold it off for as long as possible.

At any rate, Frank needed a rest anyway after what he had been through.

The waiting game would probably have been horribly boring for Gerard yet he barely noticed the hours creeping by.

Instead, he felt sick, worrying some horrible complication would arise whilst Frank was asleep and he would be stuck in a coma or something like that.

Gerard just wanted Frank awake.

There would be problems to face once Frank woke up, yet it was much better than the idea of something horrible happening to Frank when he was asleep.

At least if he was awake things would be slightly easier to control.

                                                                                                -

It wasn’t like in the movies when the family member/friend is staring at their loved one and willing them to wake up.

In fact, Gerard was staring out of the window and biting his lip, wondering if he should go to the cafeteria and get another coffee when Frank woke up.

After all, the nurses were surely too busy to provide him with coffee whenever he wanted one.

So there was Gerard staring out of the window when he felt a slight movement in his hand. He immediately looked down and saw Frank waking up.

                                                                                                -

He looked horribly pale, despite all the blood that had been pumped back into him in the past few hours.

He also looked so horribly disorientated that Gerard felt his heart break slightly.

Frank looked up and seeing Gerard, relaxed slightly. “Gerard,” he croaked, his voice breaking from not being used in several hours. “What happened?”

Gerard felt a few tears fall down his face before wiping them away quickly, not wanting Frank to see.

It seemed that Frank couldn’t remember what had happened in the past few hours, not at that moment anyway, and it broke Gerard’s heart knowing that soon all that horrible pain Frank had felt would soon come back and even stronger this time, considering his attempt to take his life had not been successful.

“It’s okay, baby,” Gerard cooed, stroking Frank’s hair and peppering his face in soft kisses. “You just had an accident but it’s okay, I’m here now. Everything’s going to be okay.”

Gerard sat on the edge of Frank’s bed and Frank leaned into him, too exhausted to ask questions. “Okay, G,” he said, closing his eyes.

                                                                                                -

They enjoyed the peaceful silence for a few minutes longer until Frank spoke up, his voice sounding slightly scared.

“My wrists are really stinging.”

Gerard winced at the pain Frank must be in.

“I know baby,” he said and moved a piece of Frank’s hair out of his eyes so he could kiss his forehead.

“I should go tell someone you’re awake, then you can get some meds for the pain. Will you be alright if I leave for a few minutes? I’ll be right back, I promise.”

Frank nodded but stopped Gerard as he was about to leave the room.

“Wait, Gerard. How did this even happen?” he questioned, lifting his wrists slightly to indicate that was what he meant.

Gerard’s heart began to hammer.

He really didn’t want to tell Frank about the earlier events.

He didn’t know why Frank couldn’t remember at the moment, it was probably short term memory loss because of the trauma or something, but Gerard was thanking whatever god that was up there that Frank was able to forget the horrible thoughts that plagued his mind for a few minutes more.

Yet Gerard knew he would have to tell Frank now.

He would remember soon enough and he couldn’t imagine how awful it would be to wake up in a hospital, after having almost died and have no recollection of what had happened.

Gerard took a deep breath and resumed his seat beside Frank, taking his hand in his own once again. Everything was about to be shattered once again.

                                                                                                -

“You did this yourself Frank,” Gerard said softly, his voice quivering.

Frank looked back at Gerard with a look of confusion etched across his face. “Why would I do that Gee? That’s stupid. Why would I do something like that when we’re together? It’s making me so much happier, being with you, why would I want to end that?”

Gerard couldn’t stand the innocent and confused look across Frank’s face. He took another deep breath and tried to explain.

“Today, at the office, you saw me with someone. Doing something I shouldn’t have been doing.”

Frank sighed in frustration. ‘Just tell me what happened, Gerard.”

As soon as the words were out of Frank’s mouth and he saw the guilty look plastered of Gerard’s face, everything seemed to come back to him. Frank dropped Gerard’s hand immediately and glared at him.

“You kissed another woman; I remember now. You said she was your fiancée! And she was pregnant! I remember everything.”

A few hot, angry tears leaked down Frank’s face as he came to the realisation. “How could you do that to me?” Frank tried to shout but his voice was hoarse from being asleep for so long.

He began to cry harder from the sheer frustration of it all.

By this time Gerard was crying too.

“Frank, I’m so sorry, it was so wrong. I shouldn’t have kept my relationship with Lindsey a secret, I regret it now,” Gerard sobbed. “Please forgive me,” he begged.

Frank looked at Gerard, both furious and shocked. “How can you have the audacity to ask me that?” he snarled. “You let me sit with you, letting you touch me and kiss me, in total ignorance. It makes me sick! I never want you to touch me ever again!”

 “Frank, please,” sobbed Gerard. “You don’t mean that!”

 “Oh yes, I do!” yelled Frank, his voice hoarse and cracking. “I never want to see you ever again. This whole thing is your fault! It’s your fault I’m like this!” he shouted hoarsely, pointing at the door. “Get out!”

“Frank, don’t do this!” begged Gerard.

“Out!” Frank shouted, even louder this time.

Gerard wretched open the door and walked out, sobbing hard.

He walked down the hospital corridor, accidentally bumping into people as his tears had clouded his vision, unable to apologize because of the tears choking him.

He met a nurse he recognised and managed to stammer out that Frank was awake before stumbling outside and leaning against the wall of the hospital, choking on his sobs, the knowledge that Frank wanted nothing more to do with him tormenting him.

                                                                                                -

Gerard had to walk home from the hospital as he had got there in the ambulance with Frank a few hours before.

It was getting dark and although Gerard knew New Jersey like the back of his hand and knew his home wasn’t far away, it was getting dark and freezing cold outside.

It was also raining and Gerard was getting wetter and wetter as he walked.

The cold, dark and wet weather was reflecting Gerard’s horrible mood.

Gerard knew his office where he had parked his car earlier that morning was closer than his home, yet he didn’t trust himself to drive in the state he was in.

He hadn’t stopped crying since he left the hospital and knew he wouldn't be able to drive properly that way so he walked straight past his office building and carried on his journey home.

                                                                                                -

He was at home in no time at all.

Gerard unlocked the door of his apartment and wrenched the door open, slamming it behind him.

He rushed to the bedroom he shared with Lindsey and collapsed into his bed, pulling the covers over his head.

His heart was aching with the thought of being separated from Frank.

At that moment he wanted to forget it all, yet he could think of nothing else.

Gerard was glad that Lindsey was away at the moment.

She was a photographer and was on a business trip for a few days in another state.

So instead of being bombarded with concerned questions from Lindsey, Gerard just sobbed into his pillow in the darkness, eventually falling asleep.

                                                                                                -

Gerard was awoken several hours later by the sound of the front door slamming shut and his name being called.

“Gerard! Where are you?”

Gerard woke up with a start and rolled onto his back.

He groggily wondered who was calling him when the door was thrown open and his younger brother, Mikey, flopped onto his bed beside him.

Gerard groaned, quickly remembering he had invited his little brother to stay over for one of the nights Lindsey was away.

They didn’t get to spend a lot of time together these days, considering Gerard’s demanding job and the fact that Mikey was always busy studying at school.

Mikey was nineteen, just three years younger than himself, yet Gerard wanted to spend as much time as Mikey as possible before he grew up too much.

Gerard remembered they had planned to order pizza and spend the night watching crappy horror films, reading comics and playing video games.

However, it looked like that was out of the question for the time being as Mikey was fixing Gerard with a concerned look.

                                                                                                -

“Gerard? What’s wrong? You look like you’ve been crying,” Mikey said, pointing out Gerard's red ringed eyes.

Gerard groaned and flung an arm over his face as if to say _“Don’t look at me.”_

“I’m fine, Mikey,” sighed Gerard.

Mikey moved Gerard’s arm from over his face.

“No seriously Gerard, why have you been crying? What’s happened?”

Gerard ignored his brother and rolled onto his side away from Mikey, closing his eyes.

“Gerard,” Mikey said insistently, shaking his shoulder. “Tell me what’s up.”

Gerard knew Mikey wouldn’t give up until he was told the truth so he rolled over again to face his brother.

“One of my patients tried to kill himself today. Again,” Gerard admitted.

Mikey’s face instantly changed from just concern over Gerard to both concern and sympathy. “I’m really sorry, G.”

Gerard shook his head as if to wave Mikey’s concern away.

He was honestly trying to hold back tears at this point.

“Do you want to talk about it?” asked Mikey.

“No, I’m fine, it’s just…It’s all my fault Mikey,” Gerard admitted regretfully.

                                                                                                -

The mix of Mikey’s concern and all of the guilt he felt, made Gerard forget about the self-control he was trying to maintain for the sake of his brother.

He instantly burst into tears.

Gerard covered his face with his hands and sobbed into them.

He quickly felt strong hands wrap around him as Mikey hugged him tightly. “It’s alright, Gerard,” Mikey cooed into his ear, rubbing his back comfortingly. “It’s not your fault.”

“It _is_!” Gerard insisted.

“Gerard, look at me. Look at me.” Mikey insisted, prying Gerard’s hands away from his face.

When Gerard finally looked up at him, Mikey’s heart broke a little. His older brother who was usually so strong, looked absolutely destroyed. Mikey would have done anything in that moment to make his brother feel better.

“It’s not your fault.”

When Gerard began to shake his head again, Mikey insisted. “It’s not your fault,” he repeated.

“You’ve done nothing wrong, Gerard. Nothing. Who was it, this Frank guy?”

Gerard nodded, remembering he had spoken to Mikey a couple of times about his patients that were particularly troubling him.

He was surprised Mikey had even remembered, what with him being so wrapped up with school and his girlfriend, Alicia, who worked as a receptionist at his office building.

“Well then I know this is definitely not your fault, Gerard. You’ve told me about this Frank before, how much he refused to get better and how he didn’t seem to be making much progress at all. It was only going to be a matter of time before something like this happened. He’s unstable, G. Things like this happen all the time,” he said, trying to reason with his brother.

                                                                                                -

“No, Mikey, you don’t understand _. I failed him_ ,” Gerard insisted, tears rolling down his cheeks.

Mikey looked at his brother sympathetically, knowing how easily he took things to heart and how much he took things out on himself.

He knew his brother always felt inadequate compared to everyone else and he refused to let that happen this time, especially when this wasn’t his fault at all.

“Gerard, don’t say that! You’re brilliant at your job. You’re doing the best you can and you’ve been doing amazing so far! These kids have huge problems; they’re pretty messed up and yet here you are keeping them alive as best you can. Something like this was bound to happen sooner or later, but you helped put it off for as long as possible and that’s something to be proud of Gerard.”

                                                                                                -

Gerard began to cry again silently, an eternal war raging inside of him.

He wanted to tell Mikey what he had done and how, yes, this was his fault but he was too exhausted and heartbroken to think of Frank and how he had hurt him, again tonight.

Instead he leaned into Mikey and smiled weakly as his younger brother stroked his hair silently. They lay in the darkness for a while, not feeling the need to speak, before finally getting up and wasting a few hours in front of the tv screen watching old re runs on the horror channel and eating pizza, Gerard feeling slightly comforted by his brother's presence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment! :)


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Mikey and Gerard were sitting at the breakfast bar early the next morning, sipping coffees and buttering toast when Gerard’s mobile phone rang.

Mikey looked up from his own phone, texting Alicia no doubt, and mumbled “You should probably get that Gee,” through a mouthful of toast.

Gerard nodded and swallowed the last dregs of his coffee before setting his cup to the side and grabbing his phone from the top of the table.

The number calling him was labelled _‘Work’_ and Gerard was puzzling over this when he remembered he had set the number of the hospital as _‘Work’_ when he had first been asked to help out there.

He didn’t need the number of the office building he worked at most of the time, as they weren't communal offices, so he had no need to contact anyone who also worked there.

Besides, he had Alicia’s number if he ever found himself locked out or some other such thing. Gerard realised the call was probably to do with Frank and he answered quickly.

                                                                                                -

“Hello?” he said into the phone too eagerly, causing Mikey to look up from his breakfast.

It was Frank’s doctor on the other end.

Gerard had never come into contact with him during his time working at the hospital and because he hadn’t thought to ask the day before, he was at a loss when the voice on the other end of the line stated, “Doctor Way, this is Doctor Peters...”

“…Frank’s doctor,” The voice on the other end added after a few seconds of silence from Gerard.

Gerard nodded into the phone until he realised the doctor could not see his actions. “Oh, yes! Yes, of course!” he stuttered, whilst Mikey sniggered.

Gerard glared at his brother before turning back to the phone. “What’s up? I mean, is there a problem with Frank?”

                                                                                                -

“Yes, actually there is,” sighed the doctor. Gerard’s heart sank when he heard that. He immediately began to make plans to set off to the hospital straight away to be there for Frank when he realised Frank didn’t even want to see him anymore.

“What happened? Is Frank okay?” Gerard asked, afraid of what he was going to hear.

“He’s alright, he’s just very upset right now. We told him he was being sectioned and he really didn’t take it well.”

Gerard sighed, running a hand through his hair, extremely stressed.

All the happiness he had built up from his night with Mikey was quickly evaporating as his mind was now filled with worry for Frank. “I didn’t think he’d take it well at all to be honest,” Gerard admitted. “Did you tell him about Linda?”

Another sigh was heard from the other end of the phone. “Yes. He didn’t take it well at all. That’s why I’m calling you Gerard. We haven’t been able to calm him down and I’m afraid of what he may do. He trusts you which is why I need you to come down here; if you can that is. It’s quite important but if you’re busy then I understand.”

                                                                                                -

Gerard looked at Mikey who stared back at him, wondering what the phone conversation was all about. “Well, my fiancée is away right now, so I’m just with my brother-“

Gerard was cut off my Mikey making shooing hand gestures to say he could go, and that he was ready to leave anyway.

Gerard gave him a look as if to say _“Are you sure?”_

Mikey answered with an eye roll and whispered “Duh, you idiot, I have college today anyway.”

“...but he’s leaving around now anyway.” Gerard finished.

“Brilliant,” Frank’s doctor said into the phone, sounding relieved. “There’s just one problem,” Gerard said, sounding pretty defeated. “He doesn’t want to be anywhere near me right now.”

“Trust me, as soon as he sees a familiar face amongst all this, he’ll be doing whatever you tell him. I’ll see you soon then?”

“I’m on my way.”

                                                                                                -

Frank was pacing around his room with a darkened look on his face when Gerard arrived.

He stood outside the door of Frank's room and watched him, trying to see just how upset he was.

After a few seconds Gerard could clearly see just how angry Frank was, angrier than he had ever seen him before.

He was terrified to go into Frank's room, especially because of how Frank had spoken to him the day before.

Gerard hoped that Frank had just been angry in the moment and would accept him back into his arms today; however, it really didn’t look likely considering that Frank looked absolutely seething.

He had spoken to Frank’s doctor a few minutes before who had told him how Frank had happily gotten dressed and ready to go when he was told he was being released.

Yet when he had asked for his mother and was told she wasn’t there and also he was being sectioned, he had seemed to completely break down for a second before replacing his sadness with raging anger.

No one had dared to go near him and they had eventually rung Gerard in desperation.

                                                                                                -

Gerard was still standing outside Frank's door after a few minutes.

Frank hadn’t seen him yet and Gerard wished he could just turn on his heel and run out of the hospital and away from all the pain he had caused.

Instead he took a deep breath and gripped the door’s handle, stepping into Frank’s room. As soon as

Frank had heard the door open he had whipped around like a frightened puppy.

However, as soon as he saw it was Gerard, his eyes fixed upon him and his face hardened. He stalked over to him.

“Get out!” he shouted, backing Gerard into the wall and slamming his hand on the wall beside Gerard’s head so he couldn’t move away.

A few spots of blood appeared on the bandage on Frank's wrist from the impact of the wall yet he hardly seemed to notice.

As Gerard’s back bumped into the wall he felt threatened by Frank who looked absolutely murderous.

He never thought he could be so scared of the sweet but broken boy who had entered his office a few months prior.

However, Gerard knew that Frank was just covering up how upset he was by getting angry. He needed to break through Frank’s anger so he’d calm down.

The trouble was he didn’t know how.

                                                                                                -

“Frank-“ Gerard began.

“I said get out!” Frank shouted again. “I told you I didn’t want to see you again, how hard is that for you to understand Gerard?”

Gerard didn’t let Frank’s words deter him although hearing the same words again was like a wound that wasn’t even close to healing, cutting even deeper.

“I was sent for,” said Gerard, defending himself.

“Oh yeah?” asked Frank sarcastically. “Well now I’m telling you that you can get the hell out!”

He moved his hand and stalked to the other side of the room, as far away from Gerard as possible. Gerard walked cautiously towards Frank and tried again.

“I know you’re angry-“ Gerard was cut off as Frank began to laugh bitterly.

“Of course I’m fucking angry, Gerard! I’m stuck in here now, with everyone thinking I’m crazy and it’s all your fucking fault! You made me like this!” Frank shouted.

His words caused Gerard’s blood to run cold. “That’s not fair, Frank,” he said softly, a tear slowly falling down his cheek.

“Oh, really?” he laughed bitterly. “Well you know what else isn’t fair, Gerard? Huh?”

“Frank, please don’t do this,” begged Gerard, shaking his head. He couldn’t bear to hear the words again. Frank ignored him.

“This isn’t fair, Gerard, this whole thing is fucked up. It is so fucking unfair! You being engaged to be fucking married isn’t fair! Your fiancée being pregnant isn’t fucking fair! You leading me on and pretending you love me isn’t fucking fair! And what’s worst of all is my own fucking mother, deciding that she’s sick of me and all my shitty problems and deciding to just fucking up sticks and leave me alone when I need her most! So yeah, shit’s not fucking fair, Gerard! Life is fucking shit and pointless and unfair; my life is fucking shit and pointless and unfair and you know fucking what? It’s all your fault, Gerard. I’m blaming it all on you. Fuck you,” he spat, tears running down his cheeks.

                                                                                                -

Gerard stood a few feet away from Frank, tears streaming down his own cheeks from Frank’s words.

“Frank, I’m so sorry but please listen to me when I say that I never meant for this to happen.”

Frank looked at him, shaking his head with a mix of disbelief and disgust.

“What did you fucking think would happen?”

Before Gerard could open his mouth to answer, Frank cut him off.

“You know what Gerard? Just save it. I know why you came here, to try and convince me to let them take me upstairs to the psych ward cause apparently I’m fucking crazy now! Well, whatever, fuck it. You were supposed to stop this from happening again but I guess that’s just another way you've failed me. I don’t care though, if anything I'm used to broken promises. I’ll go, anything to get away from you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tiny chapter for you guys cause I have no idea when I'll be updating next.
> 
> Comments make me happy!
> 
> Twitter: idesofmxrch


	19. Chapter Nineteen

It had been two weeks since Gerard had spoken to Frank and he was an absolute wreck because of it.

After Frank had stormed out of his room to get away from Gerard, his doctor had come to thank Gerard for seemingly convincing Frank to accept the help they were giving him.

However, Gerard knew the real truth - that Frank had just done what he had to do to get away from him.

                                                                                                -

The thought that everyone seemed to think he was such a good doctor and was able to communicate with Frank so well made Gerard feel sick.

No one knew that he had caused a lot of Frank’s unhappiness as he had carried on his relationship with Lindsey whilst still seeing Frank.

Gerard wished he could tell everybody the truth and be punished for it, by losing his job or even being punched in the face by an angry parent or doctor.

That was all he really wanted right now, some physical pain to balance all the emotional pain he was feeling.

He secretly began to wish he would get mugged on the way home, and be beaten to the floor whilst having all of his possessions stolen.

At least that way he could feel something instead of the horrific numbness ebbing inside of him. He even began to see the advantages of self-harm that Frank and the majority of the other kids he saw, seemed to run to whenever they were in distress.

However, Gerard knew no amount of slices from a blade could make him feel better than contact with Frank could.

He had been preaching to all the kids he saw, including Frank, that self-harm was never the answer so it made him sick to think he was even considering it.

He needed Frank, any contact with him at all, to pull him out of these thoughts and bring him back to reality.

                                                                                                -

The weeks spent without Frank was unbearable for Gerard.

He spent most of his time at work resting his head on his desk and staring at the clock on the wall watching the hours pass.

He tried to speak to his patients as best he could but he found that his mouth was blocking his words from coming out.

He had lost the easy flow he had before.

At home he spent most of the time lying motionless in bed with the covers pulled over his head, often feeling too numb and listless to eat.

He couldn’t imagine how Frank felt with having depression.

He was sad, really sad, but this sadness he was feeling wasn’t a fraction of how bad depression felt, he knew that.

Being able to feel a fraction of the emotional numbness Frank felt on a daily basis made Gerard feel even worse for hurting him.

                                                                                                -

Mikey visited the apartment Gerard shared with Lindsey more often during the week Gerard was without Frank hoping to make him feel better.

Neither Mikey nor Lindsey knew why Gerard was so cut up about one of his patients attempting suicide and being sectioned.

They assumed this was because this was the first time this had happened to Gerard as a psychiatrist and he felt like he had failed.

They had no idea how deep things really went.

They tried to make him feel better but nothing could seem to pull him out of the state he was in. The only thing that Gerard was sure could make him feel better, was to see Frank.

However, Gerard knew that Frank didn’t want to see him.

He had chosen to go spend time in a psych ward rather than spend one more second in Gerard’s presence. That obviously meant he hated him at the very least.

                                                                                                -

Gerard was lying in bed one Saturday when his mobile began to ring.

It was the middle of the day but as he didn’t have work that day he was still lying in bed with the curtains closed.

He wasn’t asleep however; he hadn’t slept much those past few days. Instead he was staring at the walls, aware of time passing but not particularly caring.

He groaned and rolled over, grabbing the phone before the vibrations caused it to fall onto the floor.

“Hello?” he groaned into the phone, his voice raspy from not speaking.

“Gerard? This is Doctor Peters, Frank’s new psychiatrist. I’m sorry to ring you; I know you’re not dealing with Frank anymore.”

Gerard suddenly became more awake with the mention of Frank’s name.

“No, it’s fine, really. How is he, what’s going on?” Gerard asked.

The doctor on the other end of the line sighed. “That’s why I’m ringing you. It’s a last ditch attempt really. We’re all pretty close to giving up.”

“Why is that?” asked Gerard, confusion etching across his face.

“Frank is…Well, he’s been pretty hard to deal with this past week. He’s been constantly angry about something but we have no idea what, he won’t tell anyone. He’s also constantly crying about something but he won’t tell us anything. He’ll be fine one minute then he’ll seem to remember something and he’ll be an absolute mess. It’s getting hard to handle and we’re at the end of our tether. He has refused to leave his room since he got here and he’s refusing food as well as his medication. We just…We don’t know what to do. We were hoping you could come down here and help us out? I mean, his mood swings have gotten so violent that he’s basically sedated the entire time, which isn’t helpful to anyone. It’s not right and it’s giving him no chance to recover at all, but it’s all we can do at this point.”

The doctor sighed again and Gerard could just feel his frustration radiating through the phone.

He knew how stubborn Frank could be and the thought of his being shut up in his room, constantly drugged up because of this made Gerard want to cry.

However, he also knew that he himself was the cause of Frank’s anger and sadness, meaning he wasn’t sure if Frank seeing him would do him any good.

To be honest, Gerard was scared of how Frank would react to seeing him.

However, the ache he felt in his heart from missing Frank as well as the image of Frank alone and helpless made up his mind to help him as much as he could.

                                                                                                -

 

“I’ll be right down.”

                                                                                                -

Gerard got to the hospital pretty quickly.

After speaking to Frank’s doctor for a few minutes he was led to Frank’s room.

Frank’s doctor gave him a sympathetic smile before walking away and leaving Gerard to go in. He took a deep breath and grasped the door handle.

Gerard realised the doctor wasn’t lying when he told him about Frank being pretty drugged up.

Frank was lying in bed when he entered the room, the covers pulled up to his chin. However, he didn’t react at all when Gerard opened the door and stepped inside. He didn’t even raise his head.

Not exactly the reaction Gerard was expecting.

Gerard cautiously stepped closer to Frank and called out his name softly. “Frank?”

Frank raised his eyes slightly and fixed them on Gerard. His eyes were half shut from all the drugs and didn’t give away any of Frank’s emotions. They simply looked dull, dead even, nothing like the way his eyes had seemed so bright before.

                                                                                                -

Gerard crouched down beside Frank’s bed and took hold of his hand gently.

Frank closed his eyes slowly and after a while Gerard thought he had fallen asleep.

That was until Gerard saw a few tears begin to slowly make their way down Frank’s face and drip on the covers.

Frank’s hand hung limply in Gerard’s but he also made no effort to remove it.

Whether he was unable to because of the effect of the drugs or he just didn’t want to, Gerard took it as a good sign anyway.

                                                                                                -

Gerard gripped Frank’s hand harder as his tears began to fall even harder.

However, Frank still didn’t make an effort to speak.

Gerard wiped a few of Frank’s tears away with his thumb as he crouched down beside Frank. Then Frank did something Gerard really didn’t expect him to do.

He nestled into Gerard’s touch like a scared puppy or child seeking comfort.

This caused Gerard to remember their once so tender relationship and he got a huge surge of sadness and regret for hurting for the boy in front of him.

His need to comfort Frank overtook him and he moved from his position at the side of the bed and sat perched on the end of it instead.

Frank immediately placed his head in Gerard’s lap and slipped his arms around Gerard’s waist, loosely because of the drugs, but still.

Gerard was surprised but pleased at the reaction. He knew Frank was acting so sedately because of the drugs and was also seeking comfort from a familiar face.

He knew Frank’s reaction to seeing him might not be the same once the sedative wore off, however he had missed the warmth of Frank’s body for so long that he took what he could get and decided to enjoy it whilst he could.

He sat stroking Frank’s hair and humming softly to him, ecstatic at being back with the boy who meant so much to him.

“Missed you,” Frank suddenly stated.

His words were slow and sounded pretty disconnected yet Gerard was elated to hear these words from Frank.

He took this as an opportunity to apologise once again for what he had done.

I missed you too sweetheart, so, so much. I’m so sorry this all had to happen-“

Frank cut him off, still staring at the wall and sounding pretty out of it. “Don’t…I don’t want to talk about it…I just…Missed you,” he finally finished.

Gerard nodded.

“Okay Frankie, we won't talk about any of that. But I really missed you too.”

For a while the two sat, Frank’s head on Gerard’s lap with Gerard stroking Frank’s hair, content to watch the rise and fall of his chest as he drifted in and out of consciousness.

                                                                                                -

They were interrupted with the sound of a knock on the door followed by a nurse nervously entering the room clutching some pills and a cup of water.

“I’m sorry to disturb you but we saw you were doing so well with him and we were wondering if you could get him to take his pills? He’s refused to take them for the past few days and it’d be pretty dangerous if that carries on, as you know.”

Gerard nodded before looking a bit puzzled. “Wait, how did you know what was happening in here?” he asked.

“Cameras,” the nurse said simply, nodding her head towards the camera fixed in the corner of the room that Gerard had only just noticed.

“Suicide watch,” she explained.

                                                                                                -

“Oh,” said Gerard simply.

The news shocked him, even though he knew they shouldn't have, seeing as that was why Frank was in the hospital in the first place. It was probably the fact that someone else was saying the words, and making them real.

“So how about it Frankie? Will you take them? For me?” Gerard asked.

Frank seemed to think about the question for a few seconds before nodding his head so softly that Gerard barely noticed it.

Gerard smiled at Frank and helped him into a sitting position.

Frank took the pills, his movements shaky, before Gerard took the cup from him and handed it back to the nurse.

“Thanks so much Doctor Way.” She smiled at him, relieved. “My name’s Katie, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you,” Gerard offered her a small smile before turning back to Frank. He noticed his eyes slowly closing, slightly opening for a few seconds before closing again.

“Are you tired Frankie?” he asked him. Frank nodded again, slowly.

Gerard wasn’t surprised. Frank could hardly speak or keep his eyes open.

                                                                                                -

Gerard helped Frank to lie down and tucked the blankets over him.

Frank fixed his eyes on Gerard, watching him the whole time. “Don’t go,” he whispered.

Gerard shook his head, assuring him he wouldn’t.

Instead, he sat on the cold floor of Frank’s room with his back against his chest of drawers.

Frank stuck his hand out from under the covers and Gerard grasped it tightly.

Frank fell asleep quickly after that, seemingly content that Gerard was there with him to keep him safe.

                                                                                                -

Gerard wasn’t sure how long he sat there; watching Frank as his chest rose and fell with every breath and his long black eyelashes flickered in his sleep.

It could have been hours for all he cared.

Eventually Gerard fell asleep himself, sat on the floor with his head leant against the chest of drawers, his hand still clasped in Franks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment, thank you!
> 
> This is for spookynipples, didn't want to keep you waiting that long! :')
> 
> Twitter: idesofmxrch


	20. Chapter Twenty

Gerard woke in the morning with a stiff neck and an aching body.

For a second he felt disorientated and wondered where he was, when the image of Frank lying beside him brought him back to where he was supposed to be.

Light from the rising sun was flooding through the windows and illuminating Frank’s small room.

Gerard rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and turned to Frank, missing his touch already.

Either Frank or Gerard had dropped the other’s hand in their sleep and Frank was now curled up asleep, his hand covering most of his face.

Gerard couldn’t believe how sweet and innocent Frank looked.

If it weren’t for the tens of tattoos littering his body and the small metal loops on his lips and nose, Gerard would have thought Frank was no older than fifteen.

Gerard leant against the chest of drawers once again and half closed his eyes lazily as he let himself admire the sight of the boy before him.

He watched as Frank’s chest rose and fell steadily and felt strangely comforted and relaxed by it. He was so, so glad that Frank was now safe and being looked after.

Although he may still be unhappy, Frank now had no opportunity to hurt himself and that was really all that Gerard really cared about.

                                                                                                -

After a few minutes of sitting and admiring Frank, Gerard got to his feet and stretched, his body cramped from being in a sitting position for so long.

Gerard bent over Frank’s bed and fixed the covers for him.

He kissed his forehead and brushed a few stray hairs out of his eyes before leaving the room and going in search for someone.

From the unlit corridors and the lack of noise, Gerard estimated in was around six in the morning and everyone was just waking up.

The sunlight from the wire covered windows was flooding the corridors and illuminating the rooms in the floor.

Gerard wandered over to a large window at the end of a corridor and took a few minutes to watch the sunlight make its way across the garden outside.

Although the garden was enclosed by a tall wire fence it had pretty flower beds as well as a few trees with birds perched upon them.

There were a few benches dotted about the garden and the soft grass was covered with the morning dew. Gerard made a point to ask if he could bring Frank out there if he was up to it.

The garden and the wire mesh on the windows that separated the inhabitants of the ward from the outside world left a horrible feeling of regret in Gerard.

It was such a beautiful day outside and the inhabitants of the ward were locked inside and unable to enjoy it.

                                                                                                -

Although what Gerard wanted most for Frank was for him to get help, he was horribly regretful that Frank had become one of those people who were locked away from the rest of the world.

He hated the fact that this was what it had come to.

He could only imagine how lonely it would feel to be isolated from the world in a secure unit where no one truly understands; and where everything you did and said was observed and analysed.

Gerard couldn’t imagine how much worse it would be to be on suicide watch like Frank was and be constantly watched and followed around the entire day.

The only peace Frank got was when he was in his room for the night and even then there was a camera in his room watching his every move. Gerard couldn’t decide if it was excessive or if it was just what needed to be done.

                                                                                                -

Gerard was sitting staring into space when he was brought out of his daydreams by a hand upon his shoulder.

He turned around and saw Frank’s doctor smiling at him.

Gerard looked around quickly and saw the hallways were now filled with slightly more activity. He must have been daydreaming for a while.

“Gerard,” smiled the doctor.

“Um, Doctor Peters, wasn’t it?” Gerard asked. “Sorry, I’m really terrible with names.” The doctor looked undeterred and nodded, smiling.

“No, no you’re quite right. How did you sleep? I’m so sorry you had to sleep on the floor last night, we had no idea you had even fallen asleep and by the time we realised and tried to wake you up, you were pretty far gone. I really am sorry.”

Gerard blushed. “No, no, it’s not your fault at all, it’s mine. I had no idea why I even fell asleep to be honest, it’s quite embarrassing really,” Gerard lied, laughing awkwardly.

In reality he knew why he had fallen asleep.

He hadn’t been able to sleep since he had been separated from Frank and last night when he was finally reunited with him, it was such a relief to him that his brain seemed to relax and give in to what he needed most; sleep.

Doctor Peters laughed good naturedly. “Our can be a tiring job, can’t it?”

Gerard laughed. “You’re right there.”

“I was wondering if I could have a word with you by the way?” Doctor Peters asked.

Gerard nodded and slid off the windowsill he had been perched on.

“Sure,” he agreed, and began following the doctor to his office, laughing at whatever joke he seemed to be telling on the way.

However, his mind was swimming.

He was terrified about what the fellow doctor wanted.

Did he see him kiss Frank on the cheek that morning?

Did he see them fall asleep together, holding hands?

Did he think Gerard’s behaviour towards Frank was inappropriate?

Did he suspect something?

Gerard’s mind was reeling and he wanted to spin on his heel and run straight out of the building and hide in bed where he was safe.

                                                                                                -

However, he felt slightly more reassured when Frank’s doctor led him to his office and slipped into his seat, fixing Gerard with a smile.

He wouldn't be smiling if he was angry, right?

He picked up what Gerard presumed to be Frank’s file from his desk and started to flip through it.

“I must say, I’m very impressed with the way you’re able to handle Frank,” he commented. “I know it didn’t seem like it yesterday because he was so sedated but he’s been so hard to deal with lately, it’s been quite unbearable for the staff working here. But you…You have a connection with him that I’ve never seen in another doctor-patient relationship before. It’s quite amazing really. Why do you think it is that he trusts you so much?” He asked, fixing Gerard was a smile as he waited curiously for an answer.

Gerard’s palms began to sweat and he wiped them on his jeans, swallowing the lump in his throat. He had to remind himself that the doctor was just curious of how he was able to deal with Frank; and to be honest, who wouldn’t be whether it was from a professional point of view or not.

“I, uh, I don’t know really.” Gerard stuttered. “I mean, I suppose it’s because I was the first one to get him to open up and accept the fact that he needed help. But I, uh, I…I'm just guessing, I really don't know.” Gerard said, blushing.

He wanted to get off the topic of his closeness with Frank.

He knew the reason why they were so close, that they were in a relationship together, or at least used to be, and he wanted to keep that to himself for as long as possible.

“And I also understand that the kids in your care aside from Frank are also doing quite well at the moment?”

Gerard nodded. “Well, that’s mostly up to them,” he smiled. “They’re great kids.”

“Well I must say you’re quite modest!" laughed the doctor. “I’m not sure many people would be so reluctant to take credit. It’s really quite remarkable.”

Gerard blushed.

“Really Gerard, what I’m trying to say here is you’re an excellent doctor. I know you’re still young and not as experienced as others may be, but what you lack in experience you more than make up for in ability.”

Gerard blushed again and looked down at his nails. “Oh, I don’t know about that really…” he smiled.

“No Gerard, it’s true. I understand you work downstairs at the moment, at the hospital, as a sort of a counsellor? Is that right?”

Gerard nodded.

“So you basically already work at the hospital?”

Gerard nodded and Frank’s doctor looked pleased with his answer.

“You see, what this is really all about is, we think you’d be a valuable member of our team, if you wanted to be that is. See, we need help with Frank, at least just for the first few weeks that he’s here and I, along with a few other doctors I’ve discussed this with, feel like you would be the only one that would be able to provide that help, considering your close relationship with Frank. Obviously you’d only be working here part time so you can fit in all your other appointments and there’s no pressure for you to say yes, but to honest it would be extremely helpful to all of us right now…What do you say?”

                                                                                                -

Gerard was shocked to say the least.

He was surprised he was being offered a job especially when the economy was so bad.

The job would bring more money, which was what he needed right now, especially because of the imminent arrival of the baby.

It would also give him experience at such a young age and most importantly, he would be able to spend more time with Frank.

The job would also be convenient as he could fit his hours around the appointments he had with his other patients. All in all, it sounded like the perfect job.

Gerard didn’t even have to think about it. “I’d love to!” he agreed enthusiastically.

                                                                                                -

An hour or so later, Gerard was standing up and shaking the hand of Frank’s doctor, Evan.

They had agreed the terms of his job and it was agreed that he would start on Monday.

Gerard was delighted. “You can go tell Frank now if you’d like,” smiled Evan.

Gerard nodded and made his way down to Frank’s room.

                                                                                                -

He had no doubt that the young boy would still be sleeping, considering the sedatives that had been given to him over the past few days as well as the fact that it was still quite early in the morning. As

Gerard walked the bustling corridors and passed the loud canteen where most of the residents were having breakfast, he began to get nervous.

He was scared of Frank’s reaction to him working at the hospital considering how angry Frank was at him.

He also didn’t want Frank to feel like he was imposing on his life, but at the same time he couldn’t help but want to be around Frank twenty-four seven.

He couldn't stop his imposition of his life if he tried.

                                                                                                -

He slipped into Frank’s room and sat down beside his bed, watching him sleep.

He wanted him to wake up, but at the same time, he was happy to let him sleep uninterrupted.

When Frank woke up he would surely have sobered up to the situation without the effects of the sedatives clouding his brain and would now be more than able to tell Gerard where to go.

Gerard would have to face the fact that Frank didn't want to be with him anymore.

At the moment Gerard was just existing on the hope that they were still together, considering their relationship didn't 'officially' end.

However, in his heart Gerard really knew it was over. He really didn't want to face the facts.

Yesterday Frank had been too out of it to voice his hatred of Gerard, yet Gerard was sure that by the time he woke up today he'd be practically back to normal and would be well able to tell Gerard he didn't want to see him. Gerard dreaded the thought.

                                                                                                -

Frank's hand slipped out from under the duvet cover in his sleep and Gerard quickly took hold of it. He squeezed Frank's hand and stoked his hand with his thumb comfortingly.

As he watched the sleeping boy in front of him knowing that Frank now wanted nothing more to do with him, and the knowledge that this whole thing was his fault, all his pent up emotions came to a head.

A tear slipped down his face as he looked at Frank sleeping in front of him.

He squeezed his hand once again and let his tears slide down his face without wiping them away.

He was glad that he had left the whole eyeliner thing in his teenage years, as if he was wearing it at the moment he was sure he’d end up looking like a panda; either that or the newest member of Black Veil Brides.

                                                                                                -

Gerard sniffed in a bid to stop the tears and compose himself and slipped his hand out of Frank’s clutch to wipe his tear filled face.

He was crying harder now as he attempted to stop, not wanting to wake Frank.

However, it was too late. The teenage boy moved in his sleep before slowly opening his eyes and fixing Gerard with an inquisitive look.

Gerard tried, very unsuccessfully, to hide the fact that he had been crying and smiled at Frank reassuringly.

Frank didn’t smile back and instead he pulled the covers up over his head so he was hidden from Gerard’s view.

“Please get out,” Frank said from under the covers, his voice muffled.

Gerard sighed.

So it begins.

                                                                                                -

“Can’t we talk about this?” Gerard begged Frank, feeling silly for essentially speaking to a duvet cover.

“No.” came Frank’s stubborn reply.

Gerard sighed in frustration and annoyance. “Fuck Frank, why not?”

A short laugh came from under the covers. “Why the fuck do you think Gerard? You cheated on me!” Suddenly Frank flung the covers aside and sat up, his face red. “Why are you even here? Are you stalking me, or what?”

Gerard blushed. “Actually, I’ve been offered a job here; to specifically deal with you.”

Frank laughed bitterly. “Ha okay, so you are stalking me?! Well that’s just great, isn’t it?”

“I’m not stalking you Frank!”

“It kinda seems like you are Gerard!" Frank argued. "Like, did you stay here all night, or what?” Gerard blushed in embarrassment.

“I feel asleep,” he mumbled to defend himself.

“That’s fucking weird!” said Frank, getting angry. “You’re fucking obsessed with me or something! If you really liked me that much why couldn’t you just keep it in your pants, instead of getting your fucking fiancée pregnant? That’s what I really don’t get!”

“Somehow we always end up back here,” grumbled Gerard.

“Because you lied to me!” Frank shouted, enraged. “You lied to me; pretended you were single and fucking broke my heart and you haven’t even apologised to me yet!”

“Because you won’t let me!” Gerard roared back. “Every time I try to say I’m sorry you don’t even let me speak; you haven’t even heard my side of the story yet.”

“I shouldn’t have to Gerard! I shouldn’t have to hear your side of the story because there should be no sides; you’re the bad guy here!”

“I don’t want to be the bad guy though! I made a mistake and I’m sorry! I just want you to forgive me!” Gerard pleaded and reached for Frank’s hand who ripped it away from him and folded his arms.

“Go on then.”

“What?”

“Explain.”

“I, uh…What?” Gerard said, stumbling over his words. He was shocked that Frank was giving him a chance to tell his side of the story, and wasn’t prepared for it at all.

“You heard me. Explain.” Frank sat waiting Gerard squirming under pressure with a smirk on his face. He was enjoying Gerard’s discomfort.

“It’s…It’s…” Gerard struggled, trying to get his words together. “It’s the baby,” he finally admitted.

                                                                                                -

Frank fixed him with a questioning look.

He was still angry but now he was intrigued, and also pretty happy that Gerard hadn’t started to profess his love for his fiancée or something.

Gerard saw Frank’s questioning look and took that as a sign to go on.

“It’s just…I’d been with Lindsey for about two years when we first met and I thought we were happy, you know? And we were, we were in love too.”

Gerard ignored Frank rolling his eyes and carried on.

“We were in love but not madly so, just enough to happily be together. But it stopped being new and exciting a long time ago. When I met you, that’s exactly what it was; new and exciting. And I tried to fight it at first, I really did. The idea of being with another guy was scary and I didn’t want to face it. But as the months went on I realised I really liked you, that you weren’t just some new exciting prospect. And as this was happening I felt less and less strongly towards Lindsey. I was scared at first; really scared. But I came to a realisation one day; that I wanted to be with you and not her. Being with her just wasn't enough anymore and it was the thought of you that kept me up at night,” Gerard explained.

He reached for Frank’s hand again and was surprised when he didn’t pull away. Frank didn’t squeeze his hand back but the fact that he didn’t pull away was enough.

“Go on,” Frank whispered reluctantly, nodding at him.

                                                                                                -

“I came to the conclusion that I had to break up with Lindsey. I didn’t want to hurt either of you; I hope you believe me when I say that. I stayed with Lindsey because I was being selfish. I needed a sort of ‘back up.’ I didn’t want to be alone. But I realised nothing could change if I stayed with both of you. I chose you, Frank. I was going to break up with Lindsey that day. But then she told me she was pregnant.”

Tears welled up in Gerard’s eyes.

“I got so scared. I knew that if I broke up with her, she’d never let me see the baby. I couldn’t handle that Frank. So now…I’m kinda stuck. I want to be with you, but you don’t want to be with me. I don’t want to be with her, but I don’t want to lose my baby…I hurt so many people by being such a shitty, selfish person. I’m so fucking sorry, Frank,” Gerard said, a few tears slipping down his cheeks.

                                                                                                -

Frank sighed.

He looked torn and like he didn't know what to say.

Eventually he motioned for Gerard to get on the bed.

When Gerard perched beside him, Frank drew him into his arms. “I never said I didn’t want to be with you,” he mumbled into Gerard’s shoulder.

Gerard snorted. “What?”

Frank smiled. “Okay, maybe I did. I can’t really remember everything that’s happened over the past few weeks, give me some credit!”

Gerard drew back from Frank’s arms. “What does this mean? Do you want to get back together?” Gerard asked hopefully.

Frank grimaced.

"Woah, okay, slow down. I don’t even know, Gerard,” he said exasperatedly.

“I don’t know what I want or how I feel right now. My mind is pretty scrambled at the moment.”

Gerard looked down guiltily. “I know; I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be putting all this pressure on you, especially when you’re in here.”

                                                                                                -

Frank sighed. “I want to say that it’s okay but it’s really not, Gerard. You really fucking hurt me. Like, a lot. I think that’s kinda obvious,” he gestured to the room they were in.

“I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive you, or if I even can. Maybe we can move past it, but it was a really shitty thing of you to do, Gerard. It’ll never forget it, and maybe I’ll never be able to forgive you. I don’t think you should expect me to either.”

Gerard nodded started picking at his nails to avoid looking into Frank's eyes, something he always did when he felt guilty or nervous, something he seemed to have picked up from Frank.

Frank took Gerard’s hand as the skin on his fingers began to bleed. “Stop that,” he scolded him playfully.

Gerard smiled and squeezed Frank’s hand.

“Everything is going to be okay,” Frank reassured Gerard. “I just need time…I just want to forget the fact that you have a fiancée and a baby on the way, no matter how fucked up that might be. I just want to forget it all. I just want it to be you and me.”

“It can be,” reassured Gerard.

“Well...We’ll see,” smiled Frank sadly.

                                                                                                -

They both sighed and sat in silence for a little bit, holding hands.

They knew they had a lot to work out and a lot of talking to do.

Gerard knew that Frank was nowhere near to forgiving him yet, and even if he did, their relationship might never be the same. However, at least they were talking again and that was something at least.

Gerard couldn’t believe that Frank had even listened to his side of the story, but he was incredibly grateful for it.

It had taken two weeks of anger and hurt but now the two were finally on their way to sorting things out.

                                                                                                -

They moved across the bed to sit against the wall.

Frank leaned into Gerard, his height meaning he fit right under the crook of Gerard’s elbow.

Gerard wrapped his arm around Frank's small body and stroked his hair.

Frank relaxed into Gerard and half closed his eyes in content.

They stayed like that for a while; both of them content to be back in the others company, their minds now slightly more at rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Repost with more added.
> 
> Please comment!


	21. Chapter Twenty One

They were interrupted from their cuddling about an hour later when a nurse knocked on the door and slipped inside, holding some pills and a cup of water.

“Hey guys,” she said smiling. “I’ve just come to give Frank his pills,” she explained.

“Oh, cool, thanks,” smiled Gerard. “I can give them to him,” he said, reaching out his hand to take the pills and water.

Frank just groaned.

The nurse gave the pills to Gerard and turned to leave. She turned back when she reached the door and smiled at Frank and Gerard. “Oh, I heard that you’re going to be working here for a while, Gerard, isn’t it? I guess I’ll see you around,” she smiled.

“Thank you.” Gerard replied, smiling back.

The nurse nodded before stepping outside the door and closing it after her.

                                                                                                -

Gerard turned to Frank. “Here you go, sweetheart,” he said, handing Frank the pills.

Frank sighed at took them from him, quickly downing them with water and shuddering slightly from the aftertaste.

Gerard watched Frank’s lips as he put the pills in his mouth and his throat as he swallowed some water after them.

God, he was so beautiful.

                                                                                                -

Frank set the little cup of water on the chest of drawers beside them and leant against the wall beside Gerard once again.

“How are you feeling, Frankie?” Gerard asked, stroking some of Frank’s inky back hair out of his eyes and gripping his hand.

Frank sighed, leaned against Gerard and closed his eyes. “Tired, sad, empty…Wishing everyone would stop asking me how I’m feeling,” he muttered into Gerard’s chest.

“I’m sorry sweetheart,” Gerard murmured back, wrapping his arm protectively around Frank’s body. “I just want to make things better for you…I wish you didn’t feel like this.”

Frank snuggled closer into Gerard’s chest. “It’s fine, G. I’m used to it,” he replied, sounding exhausted and fed up.

“But I don’t want you to be used to it, Frank. You shouldn’t have to tolerate having to feel so awful all the time. I can’t believe how draining it must be for you to feel so unhappy on a daily basis and have no idea why it’s happening to your or how to stop it.” Gerard ranted.

“Mmm,” Frank replied, feeling too tired to argue.

He only agreed with half of what Gerard was saying anyway. Yes, it was draining on him to live like this, but in his opinion he did deserve the horrible thoughts and feelings that swum around his head.

“You tired, Frankie?” Gerard asked.

“Yeah,” Frank replied, stifling a yawn and sounding like he was about to fall asleep at any moment. “The pills…They make me tired. It’s kinda unbearable.”

Gerard nodded, having heard the same comment a thousand times before. “Do you wanna maybe take a nap?”

Frank nodded slowly and lifted his head from Gerard’s chest, looking disorientated and half asleep already. “This whole sleeping all the time thing is getting pretty old,” he commented.

“I know sweetheart but it’ll ease up soon, you’ve just gotta give it some more time,” Gerard reassured him. “Do you want me to get you any breakfast before you sleep? I can bring it to you from the canteen so you don’t have to leave your room.” Gerard asked, already knowing that Frank wouldn’t want to eat and trying to persuade him otherwise.

Frank shook his head and Gerard tried to hide his disappointment that Frank was refusing to do the normal things he needed to do.

Instead he was hiding in his room as if it could make all his problems go away.

                                                                                                -

He had talked to Frank’s doctor earlier that day about Frank’s behaviour over the past two weeks and it seemed Frank had been sleeping a lot and barely eating.

Gerard knew that they were just classic symptoms of depression and nothing to be overly worried about, but he couldn’t help it.

He wanted Frank to be okay, and that included eating normally and sleeping a normal amount. He didn’t want Frank to begin using sleeping a lot as a coping mechanism and he knew he’d soon have to begin to push him more.

For now, however, he would cut him some slack and let him get away with it.

“Alright,” Gerard sighed, deciding not to argue with him.

He moved to help Frank lie down and pulled the covers over his shoulders.

Frank snuggled into the covers straight away and looked like he was about to fall asleep straight away.

“Thanks,” he murmured lazily, making zero effort to keep his eyes open.

“Oh, actually,” he said as an afterthought, sounding slightly more awake. “Could you get me some cigarettes whenever you go out? I’m having some serious withdrawals here.”

                                                                                                -

Cigarettes.

Of course that’s what Frank wanted, something totally self-destructive.

Yeah, Gerard smoked too, and way too much at that, but at this stage he couldn't help but think that smoking was just another way for Frank to try and hurt himself.

“Uh, I don’t know, Frankie.” Frank opened one of his eyes and squinted up at Gerard.

“Oh, come on, Gerard. They’re just cigarettes, it’s not like I’m asking for my blades or anything. I’m not a little kid you know,” Frank retorted, sounding defensive.

Ouch.

Gerard flinched.

“Fine,” he huffed and turned to go.

“Wait,” Frank called, looking slightly panicked that Gerard was leaving.

He stuck one of his hands out of the covers and caught Gerard’s wrist, his fingers hanging onto him limply. “Don’t go yet. Can’t you just wait until I fall asleep? I don’t want to be on my own right now.”

Gerard smiled, happy that Frank needed him and crawled beside him on the bed.

                                                                                                -

Their bodies moulded perfectly together and soon Gerard was spooning Frank.

He wrapped his arms around Frank’s waist and kissed his neck. “I’m going to make this all go away, Frank,” Gerard mumbled.

A small sigh came from Frank. “We’ll see,” he muttered, sounding less than assured.

Gerard tried not to take this personally seeing as he had hurt Frank a lot in the past few weeks. It was only natural that Frank was reluctant to trust him.

Yet his lack of belief in Gerard felt like a stab in the heart.

He couldn’t help but wonder when Frank would be able to trust him again.

He hoped it would be soon.

He missed Frank telling him all the thoughts that randomly came into his head, good or bad, without a second thought and completely, totally trusting him with the information.

He missed their conversations that seemed like they could go on for hours when it reality it was only a few minutes.

Right now everything seemed slightly forced and wooden and awkward and Gerard was waiting for the day it would all go away and they could get back to normal, whatever normal was for them anyway.

                                                                                                -

Gerard shook the thoughts from his head and focused on Frank, happy to be so close to him again.

He breathed in his familiar scent and watched the rise and fall of his chest.

He waited until his breathing had evened out and when he was sure that Frank had fallen asleep, Gerard eased himself away from him.

He was careful to be quiet and not to make sudden movements so Frank wouldn’t wake up.

He decided he would fetch the cigarettes for Frank so he would have them for when he woke up, and then he’d leave and go home for the night.

Gerard walked down to the lobby of the hospital and made his way outside to a small convenience store.

He bought a packet of cigarettes for Frank. Not knowing the brand that Frank usually bought, Gerard just decided to get the brand he always bought for himself, along with his own packet.

There was a long queue in the shop which meant the errand took far longer than Gerard had expected it to.

He bit his nails as he waited, anxious to get back to Frank.

                                                                                                -

Gerard was making his way back to hospital when he realised Frank didn’t have a lighter.

He thought about going back to the shop and buying one for him, but decided against it.

He wasn’t going to let Frank anywhere near something he could hurt himself with.

He’d just have to put up with getting someone to light his cigarettes for him whenever he wanted one.

Gerard knew Frank would hate that and hoped it would make Frank slightly more reluctant to smoke.

It was a bit overly optimistic, but hey, he had to try.

                                                                                                -

Gerard soon reached the hospital and flew up the stairs, slipping back inside Frank’s room. He hadn’t been gone for more than thirty minutes, but straight away he noticed the tears drying on Frank’s sleeping face.

When he got closer he saw Frank’s sleeve was slightly pulled down instead of stretched over his palms like usual.

The tiny patch of skin that was exposed had been scratched red raw and was bleeding slightly.

He sighed, angry at himself for leaving Frank and letting this happen.

He should have listened to Frank’s earlier comments, should have questioned him on why he didn’t want to be alone.

Yet he hadn’t.

He’d just assumed that Frank was lonely or that he had missed him and now this had happened.

Frank seemed to be asleep once again so Gerard carefully dragged down his sleeve, exposing a bit more of his skin.

He saw what he had feared the most.

Frank’s entire arm was red and scratched, and at points Frank had scratched himself so hard that he had cut open his skin and also opened up old cuts.

His skin was ripped open and his fingernails were covered in dried blood.

Gerard wanted to cry at the sight of Frank’s skin.

Having no blades meant Frank had to find new, more creative ways to hurt himself and of course he had resorted to this.

It seemed his joke about wanting his blades earlier had not been a joke after all.

                                                                                                -

Gerard would have preferred to sit down with his head in his hands and wallow that this had happened.

Instead he walked into the small bathroom joined to Frank’s room and dampened a wash cloth.

He then walked back to Frank and cleaned up the drying blood.

The cuts really weren’t that bad but the idea that Frank was still trying to cut in a place that would have serious consequences for him if it was found out was what really worried Gerard.

He was faced with the horrible decision – to tell or not to tell.

Just to be safe from infection and to stop the bleeding, Gerard fetched a bandage and wrapped it around Frank’s cut up wrist.

                                                                                                -

The fact that he could have done such an awful amount of damage in such a short space of time terrified Gerard.

He obviously couldn't be left alone at all and Gerard suddenly understood the need for the camera dotted about the ward.

Things only seemed to be getting worse for Frank.

Gerard knew what he had to do.

He kissed the sleeping Frank’s forehead before leaving the room and quietly shutting it after him, not wanting to wake Frank.

He saw no need in walking him up.

He was obviously upset before he had fallen back asleep and there was no need to prolong that.

Gerard then went and told the first nurse he saw what Frank had done and hurried home, drowning his sorrows in a few beers.

He saw nothing wrong in Frank’s actions, after all he was depressed and addicted to self-harming, however he was so disappointed in himself.

It seemed that everything he was doing was wrong.

This was his second chance to help Frank, professionally and relationship wise, and he was screwing it up before he’d even started.

                                                                                                -

Gerard awoke to the sound of his alarm blaring the Smashing Pumpkins the next morning.

He tried to ignore the harsh sound of his alarm clock and wait until it turned itself off.

However, the sound of the phone blaring the loud music around his house got too much for him and he reached for his phone and shut it off before his hangover fuelled headache could get any worse.

The light of his iPhone almost blinded Gerard and he groaned, wishing he could fall back asleep and not have to worry about work.

The alarm on his phone told him it was 8:00AM, meaning he had an hour to get ready and get to work before he started his first official day at 9:00AM.

He was tempted to just go back to bed and sleep off his hangover.

However, he eventually managed to pull himself out of bed and drag himself to the shower.

He stood under the blistering heat and sighed contentedly, finally beginning to wake up.

He quickly washed both his body and his hair then stepped out of the shower, the house suddenly feeling colder.

He quickly rubbed at the black inky mess he called his hair before sloping off to his bedroom and picking out some pants and a black shirt.

Once he was dressed he brushed his teeth and downed some coffee in the kitchen along with a cup of water and some Advil to help his splitting headache.

He then grabbed his keys and slid his phone into his back pocket, slammed the door shut and walked to his car.

He sat in the car for a few minutes before he set off to clear his head.

His head was pounding and he would happily have made his way back to bed. However, he decided to suck it up and started the car, making his way to work.

                                                                                                -

Truth be told, Gerard was angry at himself for drinking after being careful for so long.

He knew he shouldn’t have been drinking, and he especially shouldn't have had the beers in his fridge anyway.

However, with Lindsey being away, he had bought the beers so he could drink peacefully without being under her watchful eyes.

He missed drinking and thought that he could manage to drink in moderation. Yet he had proved himself wrong once again.

As soon as something had gone wrong he had turned to drink straight away, proving to himself he was far from over his addiction.

He just wanted to stay at home and wallow in self-pity however the thought of Frank spurred him on to go to work.

He needed a distraction from his own thoughts and Frank was the perfect answer to that.

All his kids, including Frank, seemed to give him hope when he wanted to give up.

The thought that those kids depended on him, needed him, and trusted him to make their world a little brighter was one of the things that gave him motivation to stop drinking and try to overcome his addiction.

Yes, it was true that he had slipped up the day before and he was damned if he didn’t regret it now.

However, Frank had relapsed too.

It just gave Gerard conformation that everyone has their own problems and although life can suck and we can end up giving in, you can overcome it and make the best of things.

One little slip up didn’t mean all the progress you had built up before was ruined.

Gerard needed to realise that and he hoped he could make Frank see things the same way. Even though it was hard and they were both fighting their own addictions, even if Frank didn’t know it, he was helping Gerard overcome his every single day.

                                                                                                -

Gerard quickly arrived at the hospital and parked him car in the staff parking lot as he had done so many times before.

However, this time it felt weird, more real.

Gerard walked up the stairs and turned left to go into the psych ward.

Once he got there he wasn’t sure what to do. Should he let Frank’s old doctor know he was here before he started or should he go straight to Frank’s room?

Gerard was getting even more nervous than he had been earlier and his anxiety levels were sky high.

He stood in the middle of a corridor, not sure what to do with himself.

That was until he heard a voice that was undoubtedly Frank’s, sounding extremely pissed off. “I said no, now fuck off!”

Gerard followed the voice into the common room and saw a very angry Frank sitting on one of the couches looking venomously at a nurse who was holding his pills.

Gerard recognised the girl as the same nurse from yesterday who had been so nice and wondered what had happened to make Frank so angry.

The nurse looked like she was despairing so Frank took this as an opportunity to get up and try to make a dash for it. However, the nurse saw it coming and took hold of Frank’s shoulders and gently pushed him back onto the couch.

“Nice try Frank,” she scolded him. “You’re not allowed to leave my sight, remember?”

Frank huffed, looking even more annoyed. “God dammit Katie, why?” he argued.

The nurse named Katie rolled her eyes. “You know why Frank! You’re not leaving anyone’s sight even for a second from now on…Now are you going to take these or am I going to have to fetch Doctor Peters?”

Frank looked up at her and smirked; folding his arms as if he was prepared for a long wait and was just trying to get comfortable.

“Do what you want,” he replied.

Katie rolled her eyes and looked like she wanted to pick up a magazine and whack Frank over the head with it.

Instead when she turned to call someone to get Doctor Peters, she saw Gerard.

Relief passed over her face instantly. “Gerard, I’m so glad you’re here. Can you get him to take the pills? He’s refusing to and I really don’t have time for this today,” she said in a rush and flashed Gerard a huge smile before quickly leaving the room.

                                                                                                -

“Wow, she’d sure had enough of you!” Gerard joked.

Frank glared back at him.

“Just a joke,” muttered Gerard. “So,” Gerard continued, moving to sit down on the couch beside Frank. “What’s going on here?” he asked, holding up the pills.

“I’m not taking them. I’m not crazy.” Frank insisted.

“I never said you were.” Gerard calmly replied.

“That’s what you all think though,” Frank counteracted.

“It’s really not,” replied Gerard softly.

“Then why is everyone following me around 24/7 and questioning every single thing I do? God, I can’t fucking stand it.”

“You know why Frank. You cut yourself yesterday and now you’re refusing to take you medication. It’s no wonder we’re worried,” said Gerard exasperatedly.

“Well why should I take them, considering the fact that I’m not crazy. I don’t know why I even agreed to take them in the first place. And I especially don’t want to take them now after you’ve asked me to! Why should I do anything you ask me to after yesterday? I mean, you’re supposed to be my boyfriend! You’re supposed to be on my side but you fucking betrayed me. You weren’t supposed to tell anyone,” ranted Frank.

“ _Damn it_ ,” Gerard thought. “ _Why can’t he just understand that I…Wait what? Boyfriend? He still wants to be together?_ ”

                                                                                                -

Gerard shook the thoughts from his head and decided to focus on the issue in front of him first instead of trying to sort out his love life.

“Frank, I am on your side; that’s exactly why I told them what happened. Not to fucking betray you or anything, to protect you! That’s my job as your boyfriend and as your psychiatrist, to look after you. I care about you, and that’s why I told.”

Gerard stopped explaining and looked at Frank. He looked angry and upset but he didn’t dispute him when he said the word boyfriend which had to be a good sign.

Gerard had no idea what had seemed to change Frank’s mind and make him want to take him back.

However, he knew because of Frank’s condition he could change his mind in a split second. For now, he was just going to go with it.

He knew Frank may not be taking things seriously and might just using the word boyfriend to guilt trip Gerard and completely go back on it later when he had calmed down but Gerard really hoped that wouldn’t be the case.

Gerard also knew that refusing to take medication was common in a lot of people, especially teenagers.

Many people felt like their control of their feelings was being taken away from them and they weren't behaving like themselves.

That made many people more reluctant to take the pills they had been prescribed, even to the point where they would refuse to take them.

It could be a permanent, problematic thing for some people, or a sporadic reaction to conflict with others.

That's what seemed to be happening with Frank, seeing as he had had no problem with taking the pills yesterday when Gerard was there with him, yet he hadn't wanted to take them in the two weeks Gerard had been separated from him.

Yet Gerard had obviously upset him yesterday and now they seemed to be back at square one.

He hoped they could move on from this problem as if they didn't, Frank's behaviour could become much worse.

Gerard ignored Frank’s anger and carried on. “I told them because I want you to be as safe as possible and right now, the only person you’re not safe from is yourself. When I saw your wrists it really terrified me because it just shows you think it's okay to hurt yourself again. It made me scared; scared that you’re nowhere near recovering and scared that you’re going to try to kill yourself again. It’s my job to stop that happening and I could never forgive myself if something happened to you and I had held back information that could’ve stopped it. Do you see where I’m coming from?”

Frank nodded slightly and Gerard smiled at him sadly.

"I really, really care about you Frank. You mean so much to me and it's heart-breaking to see you try to hurt yourself over and over again. Sometimes I can't sleep because all I can think about is the image of you on my bathroom floor with your wrists slit, dying in front of me. I'd give anything for that not to have happened but it did. So now it's up to me to make sure it can never, ever happen again? And if that means I betray your trust every once in a while to let someone know you cut, or that you're really, seriously thinking about wanting to die again, then I won't hesitate to betray that trust."

Frank looked at Gerard and averted his eyes, looking guilty and ashamed.

                                                                                                -

“Look, have you had any breakfast yet?” Gerard asked.

Frank shook his head silently, his hair falling slightly in his eyes.

“Well let’s go get you some first then we’ll see how you feel about taking those pills after hmm?” Gerard asked.

Frank rolled his eyes and laughed.

“You’re never gonna give up, are you?” he asked.

“Nope, not on you,” Gerard smiled, jumping up and dragging Frank to his feet.

                                                                                                -

They quickly reached the canteen and Gerard sat Frank down.

“You stay here; I’ll go fetch you something, okay?” Frank nodded and watched Gerard go, nervously picking at his nails.

Gerard knew Frank was still having trouble eating a lot because of the effects of the pills so he got him a small bowl of cereal along with a glass of orange juice.

He also picked up a small red apple for himself as he knew Frank well enough by now to know that he didn’t like any attention focused on him at all. This meant he felt far more comfortable eating when someone else was eating too.

Gerard set the cereal and orange juice down for Frank.

He sat across from him and when he bit into the apple and grinned at Frank encouragingly, Frank grinned back recognising what Gerard was trying to do.

They ate in companionable silence until Frank was finished.

Gerard slid the pills over to Frank. “So how ‘bout it?” he asked.

Frank rolled his eyes. “I’m not crazy,” he insisted.

“I know,” shrugged Gerard. “But you need these; maybe not in a few months, definitely not forever. But for now you do. So please.”

                                                                                                -

Frank rolled his eyes and took the pills quickly before he changed his mind.

“Fine.”

Gerard quickly glanced around the canteen and seeing that it was empty got up from his seat and peppered Frank’s face in kisses.

“Stop!” laughed Frank, desperately trying to get Gerard off him. “That tickles!”

Gerard laughed. “Too bad,” he retorted.

“I hate you,” Frank joked as Gerard plonked himself on Frank’s lap and kissed him.

“No, you love me, don’t lie,” teased Gerard, hopping off Frank’s lap and bringing him to his feet. "I'm proud of you."

Frank blushed and picked up his bowl and glass and put them with the rest of the used cutlery.

“So what do you want to do now?” asked Frank, not wanting to be alone.

“Well I have no appointments until later in the evening so I can stay with you here I’ll day if you want?” asked Gerard.

Frank nodded straight away.

“Do you want to watch a movie or something then?” Gerard asked.

“Okay,” answered Frank sweetly.

                                                                                                -

They walked to the common room and slipped in a comedy, not really paying attention to what it was.

As they started to watch and the movie lit up the screen, a few more patients were attracted to the bright screen and the laugh track.

Soon they had attracted a little crowd sitting around them or at their feet.

After a few minutes of this Frank took a blanket from the arm of the sofa and drew it around them.

“You cold Frank? I can ask them to turn up the heating if you want?”

Frank shook his head slightly. “Not particularly,” he answered.

Gerard was confused until he felt Frank’s small hand grab his own and squeeze it.

Gerard grinned at Frank’s clever plan.

Frank sighed slightly in content and leant slightly against Gerard as they held hands and focused on the screen; all thoughts of medications, scarred wrists, suicide attempts and depression forgotten for the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to Panic whilst writing this and I kept almost writing Ryan, oops.
> 
> I'm gonna focus the next few chapters on Frank's depression etc cause I don't want to be one of those fics that completely ignores a character's issues once they meet their boyfriend/girlfriend and are magically cured. That's not real life.
> 
> Love you guys.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

By the time the movie was over, Gerard had his arm around Frank and had long since stopped concentrating on the screen. Instead he was gazing fondly at the teen in front of him, who had no idea.

As the end credits rolled the kids who had been watching dispersed into small groups leaving Frank and Gerard alone.

Frank yawned softly and stretched, gazing up at Gerard. “Hey,” he smiled.

“Hey,” replied Gerard, offering his own smile to Frank. “You doing okay?” asked Gerard.

Frank nodded. “Yep,” he answered, smiling at Gerard.

“That’s good,” replied Gerard, moving to get up. “I should probably go let someone know I’m here to be honest. I don’t think anyone actually knows I’ve been here this whole time.”

Frank laughed. “ _I was watching a movie with Frank I swear!_ ” imitated Frank.

“That is literally going to happen five minutes from now,” laughed Gerard, getting up from the sofa and offering his hand to Frank, pulling him up once he took it.

“I’ll see you later, right?” asked Frank, biting his lip.

“Of course,” reassured Gerard. “I mean; you have daily therapy don’t you?” Frank nodded; looking like the thought of it annoyed him.

“I’ll see you there then,” smiled Gerard, walking Frank out of the common room.

As they walked into the hall, the nurse from earlier named Katie walked up to them.

“Oh look, it’s your favourite person in the world!” whispered Gerard to Frank, failing to keep a straight face as Frank rolled his eyes.

“Yes, you hate me, I know, I’m sorry,” laughed Katie as she dragged Frank back to his room.

                                                                                                -

Gerard chuckled and went on his way.

He wasn’t sure where he should go, or even if he would have his own office to go to, but he decided the best thing to do would be to look for Frank’s old doctor, Evan.

As Gerard was slowly wandering the halls in search for the older man, a door opened and he stepped out.

Pretty good timing.

A look of recognition quickly passed over his face. “Gerard!”

Gerard quickly shook the hand he was being offered and smiled nervously. “Sorry I only came to find you now. I got here a few hours ago but-“

Evan laughed. “Don’t worry, Katie told me that you had arrived a few hours ago. I know you weren’t late so don’t worry.”

Gerard blushed.

“Well, I better show you your office,” Evan continued, beckoning Gerard to follow him.

                                                                                                -

They walked for a minute or two before stopping at a door. “Here we are,” said Evan, opening the door to reveal a small but clean office.

It was painted white and was filled with a large desk with two comfy looking armchairs, one at either side of the desk. There was a large window that looked into the hospital’s garden and a filing cabinet beside it.

“We even got you the obligatory office plant.” laughed Evan, pointing to a large potted plant in the corner of the office.

“This is great, really,” replied Gerard, smiling.

“No problem,” smiled Evan. “Just happy to have you here. I’ll get Katie to send Frank up to you in a bit. Seeing as he’s the only patient you have to deal with, you can spend as many hours with him as you need, or as little as you need. The minimum amount of time you need to spend with him is one hour a day though. Is that alright?” asked Evan.

“That’s great thanks,” replied Gerard, excited at the prospect of seeing Frank so often.

They chatted for a few minutes more before the older man left.

Gerard sat in his new chair and began to organise the files he had brought from home and add more to them.

                                                                                                -

After an hour or so there was a knock on the door and it opened to reveal Katie and Frank who both looked as equally annoyed at each other.

“I’ll come and collect him whenever you’re ready,” she told Gerard, before lightly pushing Frank into the room and closing the door.

Gerard laughed as Frank slipped into the other armchair.

“Woah, I can sense some tension.”

Frank rolled his eyes. “I’m getting so pissed off with her having to follow me around twenty-four seven. I mean, if I have to have someone following me around constantly like a little lost puppy can't it at least be someone who doesn’t hate my guts?!” ranted Frank.

“I’m sure she doesn’t hate your guts, Frank,” laughed Gerard, finding the whole thing pretty amusing. “And you’re no exactly making it easy for her.”

“Uh, I’m pretty sure she does,” retorted Frank. “I mean, who wouldn’t hate spending all their time with me.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“But why? I really don’t understand why.”

Gerard sighed. “Frank, come on. You’re funny, you’re gorgeous and from what I hear you can fucking shred it on guitar. You’re pretty much perfect, to me at least.”

Frank laughed.

“Seriously though Frank, you’re amazing. I really wish you could see that.”

Frank looked down and began fiddling with the sleeves of his shirt.

“I’m really not,” he mumbled. “Whenever you say that kind of stuff it just makes me feel even worse. I can’t see any of the things you tell me. I’m nothing, I’m fucking worthless. I always have been and I always will be, it’ll never change. Sometimes that’s all I can think about, it like, fucking consumes me or something, and I’ll do anything to make it go away. That’s why-,“ he sighed and shook his head slightly. “Forget it.”

“That’s why you cut yourself yesterday,” prompted Gerard.

“Wow, I really do not want to talk about this right now,” said Frank, pulling a face and leaning slightly away from Gerard.

“You really do, you’re just scared that talking about your feelings will make things more real, expose you and make you more susceptible to being hurt. You’re scared Frank.”

“Really Gerard? Fuck you. Don’t spew all your psychobabble at me.”

Gerard laughed. “I’m sorry Frank, but I’m a psychiatrist, this is therapy and you’re in a mental hospital right now. I’m afraid psychobabble has to be involved somehow. When I first met you, you had all these walls up around you and it took me so long to knock them down and start to finally get somewhere with you. I know I hurt you and I’m so, so sorry for that. But please don’t push me away and jeopardise your chances of getting better for that. I want to know how you really feel, about everything. Tell me everything.”

                                                                                                -

Frank sighed as if in defeat and began to talk.

“Yesterday I was in an awful mood, like even worse than usual. I was so angry and upset, with myself mostly. Seeing you again made everything so much worse. Like I was so happy to see you but it just brought back all these feelings I was trying to keep away. I couldn’t stop thinking about how you’re engaged and your fiancée's pregnant and how you’re gonna go off with her and have a happy family and I’m going to be left on my own like I always am. I was angry at you for lying to me and pretending to be single but I was also mad at myself, more than I could process. I was so upset for being so worthless and so pathetic, for always being second choice, no matter what. I couldn’t stop thinking about how you can’t be with me, and how you probably wouldn’t choose to want to be with me anyway. How I’m worthless and unwanted, and how I’m stuck in this fucking rut and no one can drag me out of it, least of all myself. These thoughts were just building up in my head, overwhelming me and I couldn’t fucking escape from them…”

“…So when you left to get the cigarettes for me…I was like, this is my chance, you know? He’s gone, you’re all alone, no one’s gonna know. I just needed an escape. It’s so hard to quit something, especially something you’ve been addicted to for so long; especially something that people look down on you for, and call you crazy for doing when it’s been your coping mechanism for so long, when it’s actually stopped you from going crazy. People just don’t understand. I didn’t think I could live without cutting, not for one second. I was willing to try but of course I failed, just like I fail everything else I try. The fact that I failed and gave in is making me want to cut again. I know that doesn’t make any sense but…Fuck! It’s an addiction. I think about it all the time, I absolutely crave it...I can only go for so long before my skin starts to itch, like it’s begging to be torn apart. I hate it but I don’t think I can live without it.”

Frank hid his face in his hands and Gerard was pretty sure he was crying until he raised his head. His eyes were red, and the tears in his eyes were threatening to spill over but he wasn’t crying yet. _“He’s stronger than he thinks he is_ ,” thought Gerard to himself.

                                                                                                -

Gerard jumped up from his chair and sat on the arm of Frank’s chair.

Frank immediately grasped onto Gerard, who wrapped his arms around Frank straight away. Frank’s body began to shake as he cried into Gerard’s shoulder, the thoughts in his head absolutely ripping him apart.

“Who could ever love me?” cried Frank.

“ _I_ love you,” whispered Gerard, stroking Frank’s hair. “I love you, I love you, I love you,” he repeated over and over again, only pausing to fill Frank’s tear stained face with kisses. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

In amongst Frank’s crying, Gerard was pretty sure he heard him whisper an “I love you” of his own.

                                                                                                -

“I won’t leave you,” whispered Gerard. “I fucking promise you that Frankie, I won’t ever leave. I fucked up worse than I ever thought possible and I made you sad but I love you and I’m so sorry. It’ll never happen again. Everything will be okay. I know I’ve said that but god dammit baby, I love you and I mean it this time. None of this is your fault, it’s mine. You’ve never done anything wrong in your entire life; you’re perfect, fucking perfect. This whole thing is my fault, not yours. You’re not worthless, Frankie, you’re not. You’re everything, okay. You’re everything,” Gerard murmured into Frank’s hair.

Frank looked up at Gerard, his eyes red and bloodshot and his face tear stained.

“But Gerard…What about Lindsey?”

Gerard sighed. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be with her but I know that if I end things with her she won’t let me see the baby! I don’t think I could handle that Frank. I just…Fuck, this is a disaster!”

Gerard tugged at his hair in frustration. “I really fucked this up, didn’t I?” Gerard laughed bitterly.

                                                                                                -

Frank looked up at Gerard, blinking at him innocently.

Frank’s innocence despite all that he had been through really struck a chord with Gerard.

When he looked into Frank’s eyes he knew what he had to do. He couldn’t hurt Frank or Lindsey anymore, not like this. He couldn’t be with someone he didn’t love anymore, despite what the circumstances were and he most definitely could not deny himself to whole heartedly love Frank Iero.

“I need to break up with her,” said Gerard decisively, causing Frank to look at him with wide eyes.

“Gerard-“

“No Frank. This is what needs to happen, I've decided. This is my mess and I’m going to have to clean up after it. I’ve hurt you enough already and now I’m going to hurt Lindsey too, and I’m going to have to deal with the consequences. But I cannot, for one second longer, go home to her and pretend that I don’t love someone else. I need to do break up with her as soon as possible, tonight if I have to.” Gerard resolved. “I’ll hurt her, and I’ll wish this whole mess was just a distant memory, but I won’t let myself hurt you for another second more.”

                                                                                                -

Frank didn't know what to say so instead he said nothing and cuddled into Gerard once again, feeling safe as his strong arms wrapped around his body.

He was scared and nervous for Gerard and Lindsey’s reaction to him breaking up with her, but also overwhelmed with the feeling that Gerard had chosen him over his pregnant fiancée.

The idea that Gerard loved Frank more than someone he had been planning to marry was incomprehensible.

As he sat in Gerard’s arms listening to his heart beat and feeling safe, his self-worth built up slightly and he smiled for the first time in days.

Yes, Gerard had made mistakes, that was undeniable, but he was making an effort to fix them. That was all that Frank could ask for.

                                                                                                -

Therefore, that night Gerard went home to his empty apartment and skyped Lindsey.

His resolve faltered slightly when he saw her face happily smiling at him, her long dark hair falling around her shoulders and her lips painted red.

His resolve faltered even more went she stood up to show off her bump, telling the baby inside to “ _say hi to daddy!_ ”

Yet his resolve didn’t falter enough to abandon his plan.

                                                                                                -

They stayed up to 2AM at first screaming at each other, then shouting, then whispering, crying and finally talking.

Gerard didn’t tell Lindsey why he wanted to break up, he didn’t hide his tears when Lindsey starting talking about the baby and he had to look away when she began to cry for the first time.

It broke his heart that she even considered the fact that he wanted to break up because she was pregnant and he didn’t want the baby.

He tried to convince her he wanted the baby more than anything.

It was hard to explain why he didn’t want to be with her anymore without mentioning the fact that he had met someone else.

The conversation was long and hard and when Gerard finally turned off the computer for the night he cried because although he wanted this, he had still lost someone, someone that he had once loved more than anything; someone he still loved, just not in the same way.

Yet at the end of it all it was worth it as Gerard was able to say he was now wholeheartedly Frank’s.

                                                                                                -

After a few minutes of tossing and turning in bed, Gerard realised he wasn’t going to be able to sleep.

Even though it was the middle of the night Gerard rang his brother and asked him to come over.

Being Mikey, he was at Gerard's apartment as soon as he could with coffee in hand, willing to do anything for his brother.

So there Gerard found himself a few hours later, telling his brother that he was wholeheartedly in love with Frank Iero; a seventeen-year-old he had known for all of a few months, who had come to him desperately wanting to die, and who had more problems than Gerard could ever imagine but was perfect to him anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated more than you realise!!


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

Over the next two months, Gerard spent more and more time with Frank.

He would come in early, leave for his appointments with his other kids and come back to Frank as soon as he was finished, abandoning the fact that he could leave at six and staying well into the evenings.

As everything with Lindsey was sorted out, Gerard had been relieved of a lot of stress.

This meant that he could totally focus on his job once again and was quickly back into the swing of things.

Although the thought of Frank constantly filled his mind, Gerard was moving forward with the rest of his patients.

He could see them, as well as Frank, slowly getting better and nothing made him happier.

It was an amazing day for him when one of the kids he saw who had been coming to him since he had started out, decided she was finally on her way to getting better and didn’t need to see Gerard anymore.

What made it even better was Gerard knew she wasn’t just trying to hide from her problems in an attempt to make them go away.

In fact, Gerard had noticed a huge change in her in the past few months and was himself about to suggest she stopped coming to therapy for a while and see how she got on.

Gerard was extremely happy to have helped someone so much that they felt they could now function without professional help.

It gave him faith in himself, in his job and his ability to help people.

Another reason he was pretty happy with this arrangement was that it meant he could spend even more time with Frank.

                                                                                                -

Gerard had spent many hours with Frank over the past two months.

In those two months Frank had seemed to really open up to Gerard and Gerard could really see he was doing his best to answer his questions and try and get better.

Gerard could still see how much Frank was struggling but even the fact that he wasn’t resisting help anymore meant something to him.

Every day they would talk about Frank’s feelings and his depression and his need to self-harm. Some days Gerard really saw it was helping Frank to talk.

Other times it was too hard for Frank to get the words out and even if he had been able to, he wouldn’t have wanted to.

Some days were good days, some days were bad days.

Some days Frank would greet Gerard with a huge smile on his face and they would sit and talk and laugh, watch movies and hold hands and Gerard would leave that night feeling content and excited that Frank was his to call his own.

Other days Gerard would come to the hospital and Frank wouldn’t be there to greet him.

The hallway would feel cold and empty and straight away he’d know today was not going to be a good day.

He’d get whispered to on his way to Frank’s room that Frank was having a bad day and it would fill him with dread.

When he entered Frank’s room he’d see him in a crumpled mess in bed, staring at the wall with vacant eyes and a tear streaked face.

Those days were the hardest. Gerard couldn’t get Frank to eat or sleep or talk or even look at him. He’d stay with him the entire day, holding his hand and talking to him, trying anything to bring him out of his stupor.

When he’d leave for the night he’d be terrified about leaving him and would toss and turn half the night himself, knowing at the other side of town Frank wouldn’t be sleeping either.

He’d wonder what he could do to ease Frank’s pain and wish that he could make his depression go away. However, no matter what Gerard tried he couldn’t, it just wasn’t possible. And boy, did he try.

                                                                                                -

Gerard would sit with Frank at group therapy everyday listening to the stories of the other kids that inhabited the floor.

Hearing their thoughts and feelings broke Gerard’s heart.

What made everything worse was the fact that Frank, his lovely boyfriend, had the same thoughts and feelings as many of these people.

It was scary to hear people who looked so normal on the outside voice such horrible thoughts. It almost made Gerard forget that there were people out there who we so blissfully ignorant and had no idea what depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia or eating disorders, to name a few, were like.

Every day Gerard thanked whatever god that was up there that those people existed.

                                                                                                -

Gerard knew Frank was getting restless being locked up for long.

He was trying to keep him entertained, he really was but it didn’t seem to be working.

After all, Frank was a seventeen year old boy, and although he wasn’t a sporty kind of guy, he also wasn’t happy about being kept indoors nearly all the time.

It wasn’t exactly natural and it was also pretty unfair. The inhabitants of the ward rarely got to go outside and when they did it was for a short period of time and of course they were kept under constant supervision.

It wasn’t what Frank was used to at all.

He was used to being independent; staying out till all hours, drinking and smoking until morning at parties, coming home at god knows when.

He didn’t like being detained, he didn’t like being controlled.

He wasn’t allowed alcohol, or even coffee for goodness sake; he was barely even allowed his cigarettes.

Quite frankly, Frank was bored. He had expressed this to Gerard several times and although Gerard had offered to bring him books or magazines but Frank had refused, knowing he would have no motivation or interest to read them.

He was still finding it hard to concentrate, even on tv shows or movies. He couldn’t follow the story lines, even of things he had seen a thousand times, and would often forget things that had just happened, meaning for the moment, things that required concentration were meaningless for him.

However, he had expressed his need for music a few times now which made Gerard happy. It meant Frank was at least interested in something, even though that love and need for music had never really wavered.

Headphones weren’t allowed at the hospital for obvious reasons so instead Frank and Gerard had come to a conclusion that suited them both.

Gerard went through Frank’s iPod that Linda had left with him and downloaded the albums on it to his laptop for Frank.

It took forever, but the smile on Frank’s face when he got to hear his favourite music for the first time in a few months was worth it. From then on, Frank would go into Gerard’s office and they would listen to music together for an hour or two a day.

Gerard couldn’t stand a lot of Frank’s bands but he was willing to endure them for him.

They also found a few bands they both liked which caused a lot of excitement between the two of them, and Gerard also managed to convert Frank to a few of the bands he liked.

It was comforting for Frank to listen to the bands he loved and was something which calmed him down during a bad day.

Frank really appreciated what Gerard had done for him, and as the days went on their relationship grew stronger.

                                                                                                -

Frank and Gerard used a lot of their extra time in therapy snuggled up together, their hearts beating faster with the combination of their skin touching and the idea that they might be caught at any moment.

Their cuddling also turned to kissing on many occasions, which then turned to making out. They hadn’t gone much further than that however.

It seemed both men were ready to go further but didn’t quite know how to say it to the other.

Frank because he was awkward and still had a lot of confidence issues, meaning at random moments he would get bursts of dread and be plagued with the thought that his boyfriend found him disgusting and grotesque; Gerard because although he loved Frank a huge amount, he was scared of being thought of as taking advantage of him.

After all, Frank was still underage by a few months, unstable and under his care.

It also didn’t help the fact that neither of the two men had plucked up the courage to make a move on the other, which added to the insecurity.

                                                                                                -

Frank and Gerard were talking in the garden one Saturday, cross legged on the floor, running their hands over the grass and absentmindedly plucking certain blades, when a shadow fell across them and blocked the sunlight.

Both looked up but Frank looked away with disinterest when he saw that it was Doctor Peters.

Gerard on the other hand got up straight away, a million thoughts running through his head. Evan gave him a small smile and beckoned him over a short distance away from Frank.

“What’s up?” asked Gerard nervously. He couldn’t help but constantly worry himself and Frank had been found out whenever another member of staff wanted to talk to him.

“Oh not much,” smiled Evan although his brow was creased with stress. “There’s just a small problem with the cameras.”

“Oh, what’s that?”

“They’ve broken.”

Gerard’s own brow creased. “Broken, what do you mean?”

“I mean they’ve broken. I don’t know why, they’ve basically just cut out. I’ve had someone on the phone already; they’re coming out tomorrow. But the problem is tonight. Obviously we can’t do without them, especially with the kids on suicide watch,” he said, nodding slightly in the direction of Frank who was sitting watching them inquisitively, a half-hearted attempt at a daisy chain forgotten in his hands.

“Mmm,” Gerard agreed, secretly hating the way Evan was speaking about Frank; although nothing he was saying wasn’t true. “What are we going to do then?”

Evan scratched the back of his head and pulled a face. “That’s the thing; I think I’ve figured it out. It just depends on everyone’s co-operation.”

Gerard pulled his own face. “Go on.”

                                                                                                -

“Ok, so my plan is that one member of the staff goes to each room and spends the night on a camp bed or whatever, just so we know for sure the kids are safe and nothing can happen to them that we won’t know about while the cameras are out.”

Gerard nodded and Evan continued.

“Now there’s not that many kids in this unit as you know and we have enough staff to room with them for the night because there are two kids to each room. But the three kids on suicide watch, including Frank, need to stay by themselves. They’re the most dangerous kids we have here. Because they need to be on their own it means we need one person to each room, but we’re short staffed. So I was wondering if you’d be able to room with Frank for the night. I know it’s not your job, and it’s asking a lot but it’s a pretty desperate circumstance. And of course it’d only be for the night. What do you think?”

                                                                                                -

Gerard was shocked. Essentially, he was being asked to spend the night with his boyfriend. Of course he didn’t hesitate to accept.

“Of course Evan. Jeez, no need to look so stressed!” laughed Gerard, trying to hide the fact that he was ecstatic to have to chance to spend the night with Frank.

Even if they didn’t get a chance to do anything they would get to sleep together, something they had never gotten a chance to do before. Frankly, Gerard wasn’t sure they’d get the opportunity for months and months until Frank was released.

Evan laughed, clearly relieved. “Great! Thanks so much Gerard! And I know, I shouldn’t stress so much but I was worried you wouldn’t be able to work tonight for some reason and then I’d have to compromise the safety of the kids by rooming them together.”

He laughed again, catching himself beginning to get stressed once again. “I mean, I know they’re not serial killers or anything thing like that, bloody hell I couldn’t cope if they were, but I care about them, you know? I want them to be safe.”

Gerard smiled at Evan; heart warmed about how much he cared. “I understand.”

“Phew, okay, great. So you can leave now to get some of your stuff and come back in a few hours if you want.”

“Great,” Gerard smiled at Evan as he went off, no doubt to organise the rest of the staff for their night of inconvenience, and wandered back to Frank.

“What was all that about?” asked Frank immediately as Gerard plopped down onto the grass, his eyes squinting in the sun.

“Cameras are broken.” Gerard answered simply, picking at the grass once again.

“What?” questioned Frank, his eyes widening.

“Yep. There’s someone coming out to fix them tomorrow though, but for now all the staff have to room with you guys tonight to make sure you don’t get up to any funny business,” replied Gerard, winking at his boyfriend.

“What the fuck?”

Gerard chuckled at Frank’s face which was both equally surprised and pissed off.

“Yep. Looks like you’re spending tonight with me, baby.” Frank’s eyes widened once again and his face broke into a huge grin, before shrugging his shoulders happily.

“Fine with me.”

                                                                                                -

A few hours later Gerard went home to collect some things for the night staying in the hospital. It was the end of June and the weather was amazing. Therefore, Gerard abandoned the thought of driving and walked the distance to his apartment on foot.

As he walked he enjoyed the feeling of the sun on his back and wished Frank could be walking along with him.

He longed for them to have a proper relationship and to be actually able to live together, really live. He wanted to wake up next to Frank and go to bed with him again the same day, kiss him despite his morning breath and make him coffee, cook him breakfast.

He wanted to drive him to school and pick him up afterwards, have movie nights, curled up on the couch together, cuddling all night long. He wanted to cook him dinner and bring him on dates, do the boring mundane everyday things with him as well as all the fun stuff

He wanted to be with him constantly, love him totally and fully.

With the situation they were in at the moment they were pretty limited, especially as no one but themselves and Mikey knew of their relationship.

                                                                                                -

Mikey had been pretty angry with Gerard when he found out. Okay scratch that, he had been furious. He had confirmed all the doubts Gerard had had about their relationship, about how Frank was still so young and Gerard could get into serious trouble for being with him.

Mikey also couldn’t grasp the idea that Gerard had actually left Lindsey for Frank. Not because he disliked Frank in anyway, hell how could he, he hadn’t even met him but because he had thought Gerard was happy with his fiancée, especially now that she was pregnant.

As first Gerard wished he hadn’t told Mikey a thing, yet he was only uncomfortable with their conversation as Mikey was trying to tell him the cold hard truth and the truth most definitely hurts.

Yet as they continued to talk, Gerard seemed to be able to make Mikey understand. Mikey could see how much Gerard truly loved Frank and after a week or so, he had accepted the relationship. Although Mikey had not met Frank yet, he could see how much he meant to his brother.

He saw the change in him and it made him happy. It also made him realise how unhappy Gerard had been before.

Mikey happily accepted Gerard’s invitation to meet Frank and planned on visiting him soon, wanting to meet the guy who had made his brother so happy without even trying.

                                                                                                -

Gerard reached his apartment in no time at all and quickly collected what he needed.

He stuffed everything in a bag and downed a quick cup of coffee before once again heading out.

He reached the hospital again pretty quickly, and dumped his bag in Frank’s room.

He saw a little camp bed had been put in there for the night and he suddenly felt like he was back in high school, sleeping over at a friend’s house for the night.

Gerard had been gone for less than an hour but straight away he noticed Frank’s mood had dropped.

He found him in the common room, sitting hunched up on the sofa, and staring blankly at the tv which wasn’t even switched on.

Gerard flopped down on the couch next to him, yet Frank stiffened and turned away when Gerard attempted to hold his hand.

                                                                                                -

They ate dinner together that night at the table which had become Frank’s.

He hadn’t made many friends at all it seemed, which made things even worse for him.

A depressed and frequently angry teenager wasn’t a very attractive friend; it seemed, not even in a place like this.

This meant Gerard was Frank’s entire support system.

Normally Frank would rely on Gerard far too much, to the point where he seemed co-dependent on him. Yet when he got like this, he pushed the whole world away.

Dinner was quiet as Gerard’s attempts at conversation were mostly ignored.

Frank stared at his plate the entire time, scraping his food around his plate but never actually attempting to eat.

Gerard watched Frank the entire time and not once did he see him actually take a mouthful of the lasagne being served.

Gerard knew he needed to report Frank’s lack of eating, especially as he didn’t want him to revert back to his old habits, yet he didn’t have the heart to cause more trouble for the teen.

He knew when Frank got like this he felt as though he didn’t deserve food and would deny himself it. Gerard knew he just needed to make Frank seem like he was worth something.

However, despite his job he often felt like he wasn’t capable to help Frank as much as he could. It was probably because they were involved and he loved Frank so much.

It made him second step all of his actions and doubt himself. He loved Frank so much that he was afraid of hurting him by doing the wrong thing and making everything so much worse.

                                                                                                -

By the time they crawled into bed that night Frank was quieter than ever and Gerard was even more worried. All his attempts to talk to Frank and comfort him had been rejected and Gerard now had no idea what to do.

The lights went off as usual at eleven and they were left in the darkness.

The unfamiliar surroundings and the uncomfortable camp bed made it hard for Gerard to fall asleep. He tossed and turned in the bed, listening as Frank’s breathing evened out and he fell asleep.

Gerard must have fallen asleep at some point though as he was awoken with a start a few hours later to the sound of quiet sobs coming from Frank’s side of the room.

Gerard reached for his phone and the blinding screen told him it was almost 1AM.

Gerard lay in bed for a few seconds doubting what he should do. He knew Frank hated to be touched when he was like this. On the other hand, he thought the comfort might help him.

After a few more seconds, Gerard told himself to man up and go comfort his boyfriend. He flung the covers off his body and padded over to Frank’s bed, the floor cold under his bare feet.

                                                                                                -

He flicked the bedside lamp on, and it illuminated the room, showing Frank’s shaking body.

Gerard slid inside Frank’s bed and stroked the hair from Frank’s damp forehead, kissing his face and wiping his tears.

Frank hesitated for a few seconds before he slid his arms around Gerard’s body and sobbed into his chest.

Gerard held him tight, relieved he had accepted his comfort.

After about ten minutes, Frank pulled away from Gerard’s chest and looked up at him, shaking his head softly as if he was trying to explain but didn’t know how to.

Gerard picked up on this. “Just explain as best you can baby,” he whispered to him, attempting to smile encouragingly and hoping his worry didn’t come through.

“I don’t know…I just…wasn’t sad but then I was, you know?” whispered Frank in desperation to make Gerard understand and alleviate his distress.

“Of course,” soothed Gerard, “I understand.”

“And for no reason!” exclaimed Frank, sounding like a confused child. “It just happened, for no reason, I had no control over it,” muttered Frank. “I don’t know how to feel better though, it’s like there’s something in my head, controlling me…Make it go away Gerard,” begged Frank.

“I’ll try, baby,” promised Gerard. “Lay back down, I’ll make you feel better. I’ll make it go away.”

                                                                                                -

Gerard helped Frank lie back down and got on top of him, placing his hands on his hips and straddling him.

He looked down at him, unsure, but when Frank looked back up at him, smiling, though exhausted from crying and being so emotionally drained, Gerard knew it was okay.

Gerard decided the best way to make Frank feel better was to help him forget for a little while; so he leant forward and cupped Frank’s face, kissing him softly and hesitantly.

The kiss deepened quickly and soon they were kissing passionately, both making soft moans of pleasure.

After a few minutes Gerard pulled back, causing Frank to make a noise of both confusion and need.

He tried to pull Gerard back down to him but Gerard moved his hands away, smiling at him wickedly and pulling off his shirt.

Frank quickly got the memo and took his own shirt off clumsily, trying to take it off as quickly as possible.

Gerard reattached their mouths again and pressed their naked chests together.

He pulled away once again and began to suck on Frank’s neck, leaving love bites and licking the column of Frank’s neck.

He quickly found his sweet spot and sucked on it causing Frank to melt into him and moan loudly.

Gerard laughed and pressed his finger to his lips, signalling for Frank, who blushed crimson, to be quiet.

Gerard began kissing Frank again and ran his hands up and down his body, causing Frank to shiver in excitement and anticipation.

Gerard placed his hands on Frank’s pants and looked for Frank for permission. Frank nodded and Gerard slid them off and flung them to the side. He quickly shrugged his own off, leaving them both naked for the first time in their relationship.

Their hearts hammered together; excited by what they were doing but terrified of being caught.

Gerard traced his hands down Frank's side and began to stroke his length softly before kissing him, first on his lips, then making his way down to his neck, his chest, his hips.

Gerard began softly biting the inside of Frank’s thighs which made him go crazy, withering in the bed.

He spent a few seconds softly tracing his fingers over the raised, bumpy scars on Frank’s thighs whilst Frank watched him.

Gerard looked at him sadly and Frank brushed his fingers away softly. “It’s okay, G,” he murmured. Gerard nodded and kissed him again before breaking their lips apart. He looked up at Frank lovingly before moving down and taking him into his mouth.

                                                                                                -

He sucked on his head for a few minutes, letting the pre come drip into his mouth, before taking more of him into his mouth and sucking.

Gerard then grabbed Frank’s thighs and pulled him closer to him, swallowing him whole. Frank withered on the bed under him, bucking his hips and grabbing the bed sheets; twisting them under his hands whilst he tried not to moan too loudly, his throbbing dick filling Gerard’s mouth.

Gerard grabbed Frank’s hips and continued sucking him, enjoying Frank’s reactions.

This was the first time he had ever given a blowjob but from Frank’s excited moans, he didn’t seem to be doing too badly.

Gerard’s head bobbed as he sucked off Frank, and Frank grabbed Gerard’s hair and tangled his hands in it, wanting to be as close to him as possible.

Gerard moved down to Frank’s sensitive head and sucked on it, causing obscene moans from Frank. Frank lay panting under Gerard until he felt a familiar knot in his stomach. “Gerard,” he panted, his words disconnected from being so out of breath.

Gerard hummed in acknowledgement, knowing what Frank was trying to tell him, but didn’t move, keeping his lips exactly where they were.

After a few more seconds, Frank couldn’t keep it in any longer and he came into Gerard mouth, moaning loudly.

Gerard swallowed and stroked Frank softly, letting him ride out his orgasm.

The sound of Frank’s moans underneath him sent Gerard over the edge and he stroked himself for a minute or so before coming loudly in his own hand.

Gerard collapsed on top of Frank, their hot and sweaty bodies melting together.

                                                                                                -

They kissed each other passionately, letting their hands stroke each other’s bodies softly.

Frank’s arms snaked around Gerard waist and pulled him closer.

Gerard hummed contentedly, enjoying the feeling of closeness as their now sensitive bodies calmed down.

They were both exhausted and so they held each other in their arms listening to each other breathe.

After a while Gerard grabbed his phone and set an alarm for six, knowing the hospital started to wake up at around seven.

Satisfied with the knowledge that they could not sleep together without getting caught, Gerard and Frank settled down to sleep; their naked bodies pressed together, their heartbeats racing simultaneously.

                                                                                                -

They woke up to the harsh sounds of the alarm clock that morning.

They untangled their limbs from around one another and Gerard fumbled for his phone, grabbing it and pressing the dismiss button.

They lay together in the darkness, in shock from being awaken, their hearts hammering.

Gerard leaned into Frank’s body once again and hummed in contentment; as Frank stretched to wake himself up, his body going taunt as he moaned in contentment.

As the room remained clothed in darkness and no running footsteps were heard as a result of the noise of the alarm, Frank and Gerard resolved that they were safe and snuggled into each for a few moments more.

                                                                                                -

As the sun started to slowly rise outside the window and make its way across the floor of the room, the two decided it was finally time to get up.

They got out of bed and sloped down the hallways to the communal shower room, holding hands and both stifling yawns, their movements slow with sleep.

They started off in different showers but quickly merged into one, smiling into kisses as the scalding water ran over their bodies.

                                                                                                -

Their kissing became passionate within seconds and before Gerard knew what he was doing, Frank was on his knees and taking Gerard’s length into his mouth.

“Wait Frank, you really don’t have to do this if you don’t- Oh my god,” Gerard moaned, whatever he was about to say being cut off when Frank grabbed his ass cheeks to bring him closer to him and took more of him into his mouth.

“Oh my god, oh my god” he moaned repeatedly. “Fuck, Frank,” he whimpered, unable to believe how good this felt.

Frank looked up at Gerard as he sucked, his eyes were innocent but he seemed to go grinning wickedly at Gerard and it made him go crazy.

After a few more seconds Gerard felt that familiar knot in his stomach. “I’m gonna come, Frankie,” he warned his boyfriend, moaning and out of breath, who only winked at him and continued sucking.

Gerard came, moaning out Frank’s name. Frank swallowed the come and licked his lips whilst stroking Gerard’s length, grinning at him wickedly.

Spurred on by Gerard’s moans of pleasure, Frank came into his hand a few seconds later, moaning Gerard’s name himself.

Gerard helped him back onto his feet and they kissed happily under the fall of the water.

                                                                                                -

After that it seemed they couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

They held hands under the breakfast table, kissed in Frank’s bed whilst the cameras were still broken and spent a few hours in Gerard’s office with Frank straddling Gerard, kissing passionately; all thoughts of counselling forgotten at least for the moment.

Their hearts were beating with excitement of what they were doing, mixed with fear of being caught and ripped apart.

                                                                                                -

However, by the late afternoon Gerard noticed Frank was getting restless, his bad mood returning slowly but surely.

He paced the small office as Gerard watched curiously.

After a few minutes of pacing he stopped at the window and stared out of it longingly, placing his hand on the glass.

“Can we go outside?” he begged.

“Of course,” smiled Gerard, wanting to make Frank as happy as possible.

Frank smiled back and pecked him on the cheek as a thank you, then raced out of the door, waiting for Gerard to follow.

Gerard laughed and followed his childish and eager boyfriend.

Gerard swiped them out using his card and within a few minutes, Frank was laying on his back, staring up into the sky and running his fingers along the grass.

Gerard watched him nearby, with his legs crossed absentmindedly picking at random blades of grass. It was quiet for a few minutes before Frank spoke again. “I want to leave.”

“What?” questioned Gerard. “You can’t, at least not yet.”

Frank sighed. “I know, but I want to, I really do. I can’t stand it in here any longer, I hate it; you know I do.”

Gerard sighed, wanting to avoid an argument with Frank and crawled over to him, moving so Frank’s head was on his lap. “I know you do,” he replied, stroking Frank’s hair out of his face.

“Do you think I’ll be allowed to leave for September?” he asked hopefully. “You know, for school?”

Gerard sighed, knowing he wouldn’t but not wanting to make Frank’s mood any worse.

Frank had been in his senior year, but had obviously ended up missing the last few months of school. He was eager to go back to repeat the year and graduate but Gerard knew he wouldn’t get to leave the hospital for a few more months at least and would have to wait until next September.

“Not yet, sweetie,” he replied sadly.

“Oh,” murmured Frank sadly, the disappointment evident on his face. “Is there any way I could leave somehow?” he asked, looking up at Gerard. “Even for like, just a day?”

Gerard squirmed slightly because there was and he knew it, he just didn’t want to say.

People were often allowed day visits or weekend visits out to see their families but only if they were doing well. If he was being honest he didn’t think Frank was doing that well and he didn’t want him to be motivated to get better because of this; it wouldn’t be the right reason.

On the other hand, he wanted him out in the real world with him too, even if it was just for a day. It’d be like a little glimpse of their future together, something Frank could work towards. He wanted him to be with him for one whole day with no interruptions; just them together totally and fully, a little glimpse of how things could be.

“There are like…day visits. You’ve been here for a few months so you’re probably eligible for one. I could ask?” Gerard asked.

Frank nodded excitedly. “Yes, yes, please do!” he exclaimed. “I want to get out of here so bad!” he said excitedly like a child, causing Gerard to laugh.

"Most people spend the visit with their family, but I can imagine that you'd have to spend it with me, just because of the situation with your mom...Would that be okay?" Gerard asked nervously.

Frank grabbed Gerard’s tie and pulled him down to him, pulling him into a kiss. “Do you even have to ask?" he laughed.

"I love you,” Gerard said, smiling down at him.

“I love you too Gerard,” smiled Frank and clasped their hands together, squeezing them tightly and dreaming of the day he could leave and be with Gerard properly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never ever written anything like this before and I'm embarrassed and ugh, I didn't like doing this but hey, that's just cause I'm awkward.
> 
> Please comment for updates!


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

It took a while but Frank was finally let out by the end of October.

It was just an overnight visit to Gerard’s house but Frank was so happy, you’d think he was being let go completely.

The reason it had taken so long was because they both had had a lot of convincing to do.

When Gerard suggested the visit away from the ward, there were many raised eyebrows, mostly stemming from the fact that Gerard was asking to bring his teenage patient home with him for the night. It just wasn’t the done thing and so the idea was forgotten by the rest of the doctors in charge for a while, everyone in fact except for Frank and Gerard.

                                                                                                -

Gerard, upon Frank’s request, continued to bring up the subject and finally they agreed Frank could be allowed out for a home visit if he began to make a notable improvement.

At the time Gerard had first asked, Frank was still on suicide watch and the idea of leaving the hospital was unthinkable to those around Frank.

Disheartened by this, Frank seemed to give up on the idea of getting better himself and decided to put into practice something he had done many times before; lie.

Unbeknownst to Gerard, Frank began to pretend he was getting better. He lied to everyone, including his boyfriend, or rather exaggerated his progress.

                                                                                                -

He had been planning on abandoning his old habits and really trying to focus on getting better but the idea that he wouldn’t even be allowed out in the next few months was an unbearable thought for Frank and so that was that; his decision was made.

He knew it was a slippery slope to go down but it didn’t matter to him.

All he wanted was to leave.

He was slightly scared about his ability to lie to the point where even Gerard, who seemed to know him better than he knew himself, believed him but he pushed it down inside himself, the thought too scary to face.

He had had plenty of practice in the past and knew all the things to say and do to make people around him believe him.

                                                                                                -

Within weeks, Frank’s request for a home visit was being considered. A few weeks longer and Frank was finally taken off suicide watch and the home visit was being discussed properly. The cameras in Frank’s room were switched off at night as a result of him coming off suicide watch and he was given slightly more freedom to wander the halls without someone constantly trailing after him.

The absence of cameras also led to increased make out sessions, both in Gerard’s office and in Frank’s bedroom.

This new sense of freedom was a total breath of fresh air for Frank and he lapped it up completely, happy to eagerly snatch at every new found freedom he was given.

Although Frank and Gerard were becoming more intimate with each other, they still hadn’t gone any further than the occasional hand job or blow job.

Partly because Gerard didn’t want to push Frank if he wasn’t ready, but mostly because he wanted to wait until Frank was at least eighteen for them to sleep together.

If worst came to worst and they were found out, Gerard didn’t want to be convicted of sex with a minor.

He knew it was the right thing to do for their long term future together, however he was finding it hard to wait and knew Frank was too.

                                                                                                -

It was so hard for them to stop themselves from going any further and getting carried away, and although the threat of being caught made the whole situation exciting, Gerard knew the real consequences would be anything but.

Gerard knew the only real chance they would get to sleep together would be on Frank’s visit out and although Frank was getting restless with the weeks of waiting, Gerard hoped it took as long as possible to organise to assure Frank would be eighteen by the time he was let out.

Gerard didn’t want to push Frank into anything he didn’t want to do, but god he hoped he would want to when the time came.

It was getting harder and harder for him to be around Frank without wanting to pin him down on his desk, rip off his clothes and just have him right there.

                                                                                                -

Gerard was finally told Frank would be let out at the end of October.

He was happy for his boyfriend until it was suggested that Frank go stay with his mother for the day and night instead.

Gerard was horrified as the only opportunity he'd get to spend with his boyfriend that wasn’t confined to a hospital ward, seemed to be about to be taken away.

Truth be told, he would have loved for his boyfriend to reconnect with his mother, but he just knew in his heart Linda wouldn’t be interested.

With a heavy heart he gave the go ahead to contact Linda but begged for Frank not to be told, knowing this would just dash his hopes of becoming a proper family again and pull him down into a deeper depression when she refused.

Gerard was right, and Linda denied seeing Frank.

As Frank had no other family to stay with, Gerard was questioned on why he wanted Frank to stay with him. Worrying that those around him would get suspicious about their relationship, Gerard bullshitted about how Frank shouldn’t have to miss out because his mom didn’t want to be around him.

They bought it and although they deemed it weird, they just pinned it on the fact that Frank and Gerard were very close and Gerard was extremely dedicated to his job.

They sent Gerard back to Frank with the news, telling him they could pick a date that suited them.

Gerard crawled back into his boyfriend’s arms, trying to suppress the horrible thought of Linda denying to see her son

 Gerard couldn’t understand how someone wouldn’t want to be around someone as precious to him as Frank, especially as he delivered the news and Frank’s eyes shone.

They decided on the date October 31st, Frank’s eighteenth birthday.

Frank shyly admitted that he had always hated his birthdays as they reminded him another year had passed as he was still in the same place and no better.

Frank blushed and said he knew he’d have a good birthday if he was with Gerard. Gerard blushed himself and snuggled closer to Frank as they began to plan all the things they would do.

                                                                                                -

The date came around quickly and soon it was Frank’s birthday.

Frank had been jittery the whole week beforehand, excited to be leaving the hospital even if it was only for a short time, but also nervous to be back in the real world after a few months of being locked away.

Gerard had tried to comfort him but secretly he was nervous too, worrying how Frank would react to being in the outside world as well as to his brother who they had agreed to meet, his apartment; his life in general.

He felt like he was in high school again, and desperate to impress his crush.

                                                                                                -

Gerard collected Frank at around 9:00am. Frank had been waiting eagerly and ambushed Gerard with a hug as soon as he set his eyes on him, grinning gleefully. “Happy birthday Frankie,” said Gerard, whilst Frank smiled back at him.

“Thanks,” Frank replied, sounding happy but not particularly bothered by the fact that it was his birthday.

Gerard knew birthdays weren’t a big deal for Frank and he more than likely just wanted to forgot that today was the day, but he wasn’t going to let that happen.

Instead he hoped to create happy memories for him today and hopefully alter or even change his idea of birthdays.

As they walked towards the exit of the floor, Gerard thought about the presents he had gotten for Frank that were hidden under the seat of his car and felt excited to be able to give them to him.

                                                                                                -

As Gerard buzzed them out, Frank grabbed his hand and squeezed, elated to be free.

As they got outside, Frank’s grin got wider and he stopped to look around, looking happier than ever.

Frank turned to Gerard and laughed happily.

Gerard grinned back at his boyfriend and pulled him into his embrace, kissing him passionately.

Frank broke away first, eager to get out of the vicinity of what he had come to think of as his prison. “Let’s go.”

Gerard nodded and walked to the car with Frank practically skipping after him. “Sorry for the mess,” apologised Gerard as they slipped inside the car.

S’okay,” replied Frank, looking around at the assorted mess of Gerard’s CDs, old drawings and coffee cups.

The mess didn’t bother him at all. In fact, he was excited to find out more about Gerard and happily flipped through his CDs and pored over his art whilst they pulled out of the parking lot and drove towards town.

                                                                                                -

“Mikey’s, yeah?” Gerard asked Frank who confirmed it with an eager yet nervous nod of his head.

A few days before, Gerard had suggested Frank meet his brother at the local comic book shop in which he worked. Mikey hated hospitals, they creeped him out and so Gerard knew getting his boyfriend and brother to meet in this way would be much easier.

He was excited for the two to meet but nervous all the same. He hoped they liked each other, he really did.

Gerard had been telling his brother more and more about Frank in the past few weeks; happy he had finally unloaded the burden of his secret.

It was probably the most important thing to him right now; that his boyfriend and his brother who was also his best friend, got on.

He knew that they most likely would love each other; after all Gerard had recently noticed they had the same quirky sense of humour and liked a lot of the same bands, but it was also typical of Gerard’s life for things to work out badly.

It’d be just his luck if Mikey and Frank hated one another.

                                                                                                -

They drove for a few minutes, Frank fiddling with the radio stations and commenting on the new crappy pop songs he was only now just getting a chance to hear, before they pulled up outside Mikey’s work.

The comic book shop was on a busy street and although it looked pretty old and run down on the outside, Gerard knew that inside was a bright and welcoming store filled with comic books full of his childhood heroes. More importantly of all though, his wonderful brother was also inside.

Frank snapped off his seatbelt and had his hand on the door handle of the car ready to open it and get out when Gerard stopped him.

“Wait. I know you don’t really like birthdays but-“

Frank faced him with a look of horror on his face, looking stricken. "Oh god. What did you do?"

Gerard rolled his eyes. “Hey, birthdays are supposed to be a good thing, remember?”

Frank rolled his own eyes before seemingly allowing himself so be excited. “Okay, fine. _So, what did you do?”_ he asked again but this time with a sliver of excitement in his voice, his eyes glinting.

Gerard laughed before reaching down to retrieve the packages under his seat. He thrust them into Frank’s hands. “That’s the spirit.”

Frank looked from the packages to Gerard and back again with a look of awe before opening the packages; carefully as if ripping the wrapping paper would damage whatever was inside.

Gerard looked fondly at Frank as he unwrapped a couple of new CDs, a book he had been telling him about and a t shirt of an obscure unheard of band that he treasured.

Frank clasped his new belongings to his chest and looked at Gerard with so much thanks Gerard wondered if he had given him the right packages. But no, there they were, the presents Gerard had lovingly picked out for Frank with the hope that he would like them.

“Oh wow...Thank you so much, G,” Frank stammered. "Really, I, I don’t know what to say. Thank you, really,” Frank said sincerely.

Gerard smiled at him, happy he liked what he had picked out. “I know it’s not much but-“

Frank scoffed. “It’s perfect, really it is. I mean you didn't even have to get me anything. Thank you so much Gerard. I love you.”

                                                                                                -

Gerard always felt like he was practically glowing inside when Frank said he loved him. Although Gerard knew he did, Frank didn’t say it often which meant every time he did say it, it meant so much more. “Oh, and one other thing…”

Frank looked to Gerard quizzically wondering what else he could have done for him. “I’ve arranged for your guitar to be brought over; in time for when you get back, of course. Pansy, wasn’t it?” asked Gerard, knowing full well it was.

At that Frank made a noise Gerard had never heard from him before, almost like a girly squeal and pulled Gerard into his arms, almost spilling his presents in the process. “Thank you _so_ much,” murmured Frank against Gerard’s chest.

His words were muffled and Gerard was pretty sure he was close to crying; overwhelmed with gratitude and a strong feeling of happiness that he hadn't felt in a long time; so he held him close for a few minutes and pretended not to notice his red rimmed eyes when he drew back, smiling all the same.

                                                                                                -

“Come on sweetheart, let’s go inside.” Frank nodded and carefully placed his new found treasures on the seat beside him before getting out of the car.

Gerard got out of his own side of the car and walked up to Frank.

“I’m nervous, Gerard,” admitted Frank, reaching for his boyfriend’s hand.

“Don’t worry, he’ll love you,” Gerard assured him, squeezing his hand.

Frank nodded and they opened the door of the comic book shop and stepped inside, the little bell tinkling above them to announce their arrival.

                                                                                                -

Mikey was at the cash register sorting through the new comic book arrivals when he heard the bell.

He looked up immediately expecting to see a group of teenagers coming to get the latest comics.

However, he saw it was his brother and his face immediately broke into a huge grin. Beside him was a kid who didn’t look older than sixteen.

He was dressed pretty much all in black and had two rings looped around both his nose and lip, as well as tens of coloured tattoos covering his body. The boy looked nervous, scared even, and was hunched close to Gerard.

It quickly dawned on Mikey that this was Frank, Gerard’s boyfriend.

Mikey was shocked at how many tattoos he had for his age and also just how short he was, but apart from the initial surprise, Mikey liked the look of Frank.

                                                                                                -

He had always been cautious of who Gerard dated. He knew his brother gave everything he had to dating and would often fall in love far too deeply and far too quickly.

He got extremely invested in who he was seeing and thought he had fallen in love with them within months, meaning whenever the relationship went wrong or they would break up, he would slightly recede into his old drinking habits, finishing bottles upon bottles of alcohol every single night.

Mikey had gotten worried when Gerard and Lindsey broke up and although he disapproved of his brother’s cheating, Mikey was glad Gerard had had Frank to stop him before he fell into a rut of late nights, red ringed eyes and far too much alcohol.

                                                                                                -

As Mikey watched Frank lean into Gerard’s side and Gerard clutch his side and pull him closer to him, it really seemed like they were truly in love.

Frank seemed to look at Gerard with a sort of adoration in his eyes and he knew from the same gooey look in Gerard’s eyes that he adored Frank too.

Mikey just hoped this wasn’t some sort of puppy love.

Despite their restrictions and the fact that it would be looked upon as wrong if it was ever found out, Mikey hoped their relationship would last.

He knew Gerard needed that long term stability, something to provide him with an everyday supply of happiness. He thought he’d had that with Lindsey but apparently not.

Gerard needed somebody to rely on and someone to take care of at the same time; someone who wouldn’t leave him, and make him drink his problems away.

Mikey suspected Gerard hadn’t told his new boyfriend about his drinking problem and never would unless he really truly had to.

None of Gerard’s girlfriends in the past had known about it, not until Lindsey, and she had only found out through forcing Gerard to tell her what was going on when he constantly stank of alcohol and reacted badly when he couldn't get to it.

Gerard’s friends in high school didn’t even know, nor did his parents.

Sure they knew he loved a drink, really loved one, but they never knew the extent of it.

Really it was Mikey who Gerard had come to in the middle of the night, Mikey who had been the one to comfort Gerard when he was sad, angry, or even close to suicidal.

                                                                                                -

Mikey had been the one who had convinced Gerard to get sober and he had helped him along with way.

Mikey had kept his brother’s secret quiet since Gerard’s senior year of high school and he wasn’t planning on breaking his promise now.

However, he really wished Gerard could just open up, unburden himself and tell Frank, especially as Frank must have told him practically everything about his life at this stage.

Mikey wanted Gerard to tell Frank about his problems on his own terms, he didn’t want Gerard to relapse into his old habits and have Frank find out for himself.

However, as he watched them hold each other, Mikey knew he had no reason to worry. Gerard was safe, he was happy, Frank wouldn't hurt. Gerard needed Frank but Frank needed him too and that made their bond stronger than any high school fling.

                                                                                                -

Mikey shook his head to rid himself of his thoughts and rushed over to Frank and Gerard, pulling Gerard into a bone crushing hug. Gerard laughed and squeezed him back. “I missed you too, Mikes.”

Mikey grinned and turned to Frank. Gerard took this as his queue. “Mikey, this is Frank. Frank, this is my brother Mikey.”

“Hey!” said Mikey, holding his hand out to Frank.

“Hi,” replied Frank quietly and shook his hand. “It’s nice to meet you; Gerard’s told me so much about you.”

“He’s told me a lot about you too,” offered Frank politely.

“He sure talks a lot doesn’t he? Mostly about crap though of course.” Mikey joked in a bid to get Frank to relax.

“Hey!” Gerard shot back defensively and smacked his brother off the top of his head.

“I was joking!” defended Mikey.

“Sure you were,” replied Gerard.

                                                                                                -

Frank watched the exchange and laughed, liking Mikey already who turned to him and winked.

Mikey dodged his brother who was now playfully glaring at him and made his way behind the counter. “I get off for lunch in about…” he paused to check his watch. “…twenty minutes. You can go to the back for coffee if you want or just hang around here?”

Gerard looked to Frank who just shrugged. “We’ll just hang around here for a bit,” answered Gerard.

Mikey nodded. “Okay cool.”

They stayed and talked for a few more minutes, watching Mikey as he sorted comics and served the occasional customer.

Gerard drifted off a few minutes later though to check out some of the comics and was surprised when Frank didn’t immediately leave his place next to Mikey and cling to his side. Instead he stayed put, leaning against the cash register Mikey was standing at, looking far more relaxed now.

A minute or so later he heard the two burst into laughter over some dumb joke Frank had been telling and he grinned, happy that his hunch that they’d get on was coming true.

                                                                                                -

After about ten more minutes, someone came downstairs to take over from Mikey’s shift while he went to lunch.

Mikey greeted his co-worker enthusiastically but was obviously happy to be leaving.

He quickly grabbed his things from the staff room and they left, making their way into the city.

They made their way to the closest Starbucks and ordered some coffees; both of the Way brother’s addiction as strong as the others.

They slipped into a window seat and talked for an hour or so, laughing as they told each other stupid jokes, and chatted about what was going on in each of their lives.

By now Frank had relaxed and Gerard could tell he was getting on well with Mikey especially when the conversation was steered to music and the two younger men realised they liked a lot of the same bands.

Gerard found himself watching Frank talking and laughing like nothing was wrong and it gave him a warm feeling inside.

Although their lives were pretty different, Mikey and Frank were actually almost the same age, Mikey the older of the two at nineteen.

Because of how close they were in age, as well as the fact that they liked a lot of the same bands and had the same goofy sense of humour, Gerard saw them becoming fast friends.

It made him happy that Frank would have someone else to talk to once he got out and it also made Gerard happy that Mikey would have a new friend too.

He was always better at making friends, and was always quite popular in high school yet a new friend couldn’t be a bad thing, especially as if the friend was someone as lovely as his Frankie.

                                                                                                -

At around one, Mikey got up to go, saying he had to get back to work.

Frank seemed disappointed that Mikey had to go, and even gave him a hug when he was leaving.

As Mikey hugged his brother goodbye he whispered “ _He’s a keeper_ ,” in his ear, causing Gerard to blush and Mikey to wink back at him.

Once Mikey left, Frank asked what Mikey had said to him but Gerard just blushed and laughed awkwardly, refusing to tell him.

Instead Gerard took Frank’s hand and kissed him, wanting to have as much contact with him as possible in the short amount of time he was with him.

After a while longer they got up to leave themselves.

                                                                                                -

Gerard led Frank outside and they walked down the street into the city.

They spent the rest of the day hanging around record shops and bookshops, listening to music and picking up random books and reading snippets to each other, not particularly doing much but just being happy to be around each other.

They were walking when Frank spotted a music shop with all sorts of instruments displayed in the window. He squealed in delight and pulled Gerard inside.

He was right at home at once.

Gerard guessed Frank spent a lot of time in here before and he realised he was right when Frank quickly took up a conversation with a long haired tattooed man at the counter.

Gerard left Frank to talk to his friends and wandered over to the guitars, looking at a bass that looked similar to Mikey’s.

Frank joined him a few minutes later and unhooked a guitar from its place up on the wall.

Gerard looked at him alarmed, waiting for someone to come over and throw them out. When no one came, Gerard looked at his boyfriend quizzically. “You’re allowed to play them?”

Frank nodded and jerked his thumb over to sign in the corner of the shop, telling customers they were allowed to play the instruments but to put them back afterwards.

“It’s probably ‘cause they know the type of people that play actually care about their instruments and wouldn’t damage them, you know?” he said, flopping down onto a nearby chair and tuning the guitar.

Gerard slid down into his own chair and just watched Frank’s fingers. He obviously hadn’t played for a while but he was by no means rusty.

He was in his element and Gerard saw he was a natural.

Gerard watched in awe as Frank made up little riffs and played snippets of his favourite songs, concentration etched across his face.

Gerard had to admit it was sexy. “You’re incredible,” he murmured and immediately blushed, not meaning for Frank to hear that.

Frank just continued strumming but laughed, shaking his head. “I love you too.”

                                                                                                -

It was past five when they eventually left the shop.

Time had flew when they were in there as Frank had been happy to play on the guitars and Gerard had been mesmerised watching him.

“Where to now?” asked Frank as he laced his hands in Gerard’s and looked up at him.

“Well, there’s a park nearby. We could be really lame and go watch the sunset?” offered Gerard.

Frank laughed. “I’d like that.

They got to the park quickly and sat by the river.

They lay on the grass, Frank lying on Gerard’s chest as they watched the swans swim in the nearby river and listened to the sounds of some children playing football nearby.

As Frank ran his fingers through the grass it reminded him of the many times he and Gerard had sat in the hospital garden together, confined to a tiny space and surrounded by other people, constantly being watched.

Now as he looked around him and saw the wide expanse of grass with no one else around he was overwhelmed with a huge sense of gratitude to Gerard for getting him out of the prison he had been forced to call home for a few months.

He leaned closer to Gerard who stroked his hair and smiled down at him.

They sat in a comfortable silence until Frank broke it. “Today has been perfect,” he commented, sighing contentedly.

“Oh really? So you had fun?” Gerard asked.

“I really did,” confirmed Frank.

                                                                                                -

After the sun set and the park started to get dark, they got up and made their way back to Gerard’s car.

They drove home, cranking the stereo volume as loud as it would go and singing along to Gerard’s Nirvana CDs.

They got back to Gerard’s apartment building and Gerard parked the car.

They slid out and walked inside, swinging their hands that were clasped together all the way inside.

They trudged up the stairs, tired after their long day.

Gerard unlocked the apartment door and stepped inside, throwing his keys on the kitchen counter and switching the lights on.

Frank stepped in after him and looked around in awe. “This place is so cool,” he muttered, mostly to himself.

The front door opened into the living room which consisted of two large sofas positioned around a tv with movies piled up by the sides and a coffee table in the middle with unfinished drawings and pencils scattered on it.

One of the walls was lined with bookshelves, books messily pushed in at every angle, whilst a large window covered the rest of the walls giving a great view of the city, especially as the apartment was so high up.

The rest of the room was made up of the kitchen; the breakfast bar being the only thing separating it from the living room.

The surfaces were modern and organised, except for the dozen dirty coffee mugs littered around the coffee machine.

Frank laughed and shook his head fondly at Gerard’s habit.

The rest of the rooms were down a hallway leading from the kitchen. Gerard saw Frank looking. “You can go explore if you want,” he told him. “I’ll order us a pizza.”

Frank nodded and did exactly that, eager to see the rest of the flat.

He found a tidy bathroom, a guest bedroom, and an office with a desk and a computer inside as well as a filing cabinet. Scattered across the desk were more drawings, as well as more official looking folders and notes which Frank assumed were to do with Gerard's job.

Frank was about to turn away when a paper caught his eye. He noticed his name and read the small paragraph dated a few days ago.

The note was scribbled quickly and simply said “ _Responding well recently. Big change in mood. Progress being made._ ” Frank felt the familiar guilt rise up inside himself, knowing it was all lies.

He turned away and went in search of Gerard again.

                                                                                                -

The last door was the only room left and was what Frank assumed to be Gerard’s bedroom.

Frank pushed the door open. He was right.

He made his way into the room and quickly drunk in his surroundings. The room was painted a creamy colour and a double bed took up most of the room.

It was pretty tidy and Frank assumed it was like this as just until recently it had been an engaged couple’s room, and not it was just Gerard’s.

Despite the simplicity of the room, there were also touches of Gerard in it.

Piles of science fiction novels covered the beside tables and action figures littered the windowsills.

A few movie and band posters also hung on the walls.

Frank was admiring a certain poster when he felt someone’s breath on his neck and squeeze his hips. Frank turned around to face Gerard who pulled him closer to him. “I hoped you’d come in here,” murmured Gerard huskily, biting his lip, his eyes half closed in lust.

This had been Frank’s plan all along but of course he didn’t say that. Instead he took Gerard silently by the wrist and led him to the bed, sinking down onto it and winked, and biting his own lip suggestively. “Come here baby,” he said, practically growling.

Frank was only too happy to comply.

                                                                                                -

Gerard practically crawled on top of Frank and crashed their lips together, kissing him passionately and growled like an animal wanting Frank right this second.

He kissed and sucked his way down Frank’s neck, creating hickeys that would bruise in the morning. He quickly found Frank's sweet spot, causing him to moan obscenely loud.

Gerard chuckled and put his hand on Frank’s crotch and began palming him through his jeans.

Frank bucked his hips into Gerard’s hold and fumbled with his shirt, their lips still attached.

Gerard pulled away, causing Frank to whimper, but he only pulled his shirt off as well as Frank’s before he reattached their lips immediately.

He fumbled with the belt on Frank’s jeans which kept the jeans on his skinny frame and slid them off, leaving Frank naked save for his underwear.

Gerard slipped his own jeans off and grinded against Frank, their erections touching. Gerard squeezed Frank’s bulge causing him to groan.

Soon each of their boxers were wet with pre come and they were both panting heavily.

Frank was desperate for a release. “Fuck me,” he whispered to Gerard, moaning even louder as Gerard squeezed his harder.

“What was that? I didn’t quite hear you,” teased Gerard.

“Jesus Christ Gerard, I said fuck me. Now,” groaned Frank, desperately.

Gerard laughed. “Well, if you insist.”

                                                                                                -

He slipped away from Frank’s sweaty embrace and reached over to his bedside drawer, reaching in to retrieve some lube and condoms.

Frank raised an eyebrow. “Prepared aren’t we?”

Gerard blushed. “Well I, you know, I didn’t know if you’d want to but I thought just in case-“

Frank shrugged and cut him off. “Whatever. I do want to. Come back here," he begged.

Gerard crawled back over to Frank and kissed him passionately before moving off his lap.

“Okay, get on your knees,” he said, motioning to Frank. Frank looked a bit unsure but did what he said. Gerard stuck his fingers in front of Frank’s face.

“Okay, now suck these.” Frank did what Gerard asked without question, his saliva dripping over Gerard’s fingers and making them wet.

It was all Gerard could do not to suppress a moan as Frank's tongue scraped against his fingers.

This was his first attempt at gay sex and he knew it would be Frank’s too. He was just going with what he had heard was done and hoped he was doing it right. Gerard took his fingers out of Frank’s mouth, the noise causing a loud popping noise. He then ripped open the condom packet and slipped it over his pulsing erection.

“Okay, you ready?” he asked.

Frank turned around to face Gerard and nodded.

Without another word Gerard pushed one of his fingers inside Frank, causing him to grip the sheets with his fists.

Gerard left his finger for a moment or so before starting to move it about.

Frank moaned, unable to stop himself from pushing his ass against Gerard's fingers so they would go further inside him.

After another minute Gerard pushed in another finger and began scissoring them, causing a gasp from Frank.

Frank began to moan even louder and it turned on Gerard more than he ever thought possible.

He began absentmindedly stroking himself whilst looking at Frank’s face which was contorted in both pain and pleasure.

He moaned particularly loud causing Frank to look back at him. “Hey, don’t start without me,” Frank complained, playfully indignant.

Gerard laughed and removed his fingers from Frank’s ass with a pop.

                                                                                                -

Gerard reached for the lube and put a generous amount of his dick before lining it up with Frank’s ass.

“Okay, you ready?”

Frank nodded.

Gerard grabbed Frank’s hips for leverage and slowly pushed inside him.

Frank gasped, surprised at how thick Gerard was.

He felt like he was being filled up and although he didn't realise it would feel this way, he also enjoyed the feeling despite the pain.

Gerard gave Frank a minute to adjust before he began thrusting into him. He quickly found his prostate and Frank’s moans filled the air.

Gerard couldn’t believe how sexy he sounded.

Hearing Frank's moans of enjoyment, Gerard became more confident and picked up his pace, ramming into Frank harder and faster.

Gerard moved his hand down and stroked Frank, knowing he was about to come at any second.

"I'm gonna come," he warned Frank.

"Hmm yeah, come for me, baby," encouraged Frank, his words coming out disconnected from his pants. At Frank's raspy and lust driven voice, Gerard felt the familiar knot inside his stomach and with a huge moan, felt himself releasing inside Frank.

Gerard’s moans of pleasure tipped Frank over the edge and he slapped Gerard’s hand away and pumped himself quickly before he came into his hand seconds later shouting Gerard's name.

Gerard let each of them ride out their orgasms before he pulled out of Frank.

He slipped off the used condom and threw it to the floor before they collapsed onto the bed.

                                                                                                -

Gerard slipped his arm protectively around Frank's waist.

They kissed messily, their bodies sweaty and more sensitive than ever, desperate to be as close as possible to one another.

It had been their first time as a couple and instantly, Gerard felt closer to Frank than ever.

                                                                                                -

They were both exhausted and felt themselves slipping unconscious, their bodies moulded together when the noise of the doorbell ringing roused them.

Gerard remembered the pizza he had ordered for them and groaned, hating to pull himself away from Frank’s embrace.

Frank clearly hated it too as he didn’t move but opened one eye and groaned indignantly at Gerard.

Gerard laughed fondly, slipped on some boxers and went to answer the door.

He ignored the delivery guys shocked expression and raised eyebrow, and paid him, winking at him before slamming the door in his face.

                                                                                                -

Frank had clearly gotten tired of waiting for his boyfriend as Gerard heard the pad of his feet behind him and then felt his arms wrap around him and rest his head on his back.

Gerard turned around to face his boyfriend who was now also only dressed in boxers and led him to the couch.

Gerard slid in some random horror movie and pulled Frank onto his lap.

They sat in the darkness eating pizza with the warm box resting on Frank’s bare stomach and half watched the movie, sneaking kisses the whole time.

However, they barely got half way through the movie before slipping off the couch and going back to the bedroom for round two.

                                                                                                -

They drifted off to sleep that night, a mess of tangled limbs and sweaty bodies, Frank’s bony back pressed up against Gerard’s soft stomach, Gerard’s arms clasped around Frank’s small waist, his face buried into the crook of his neck.

Gerard fell asleep far quicker than Frank who was left awake, snuggled into his boyfriend’s embrace; overtired but not able to sleep. Instead he lay awake for an hour or two, staring out of the open window in the bedroom, the cold night air invading the room and making him shiver under the covers.

He breathed in the night air and looked up at the stars in awe, his eyes half closed from exhaustion.

He almost woke Gerard up to stare at the twinkling lights with him. However, he didn’t, and instead grasped one of Gerard’s hands and pressed in to his mouth, pressing soft kisses against it and thinking about how lucky he was to have found someone like him.

                                                                                                -

The next morning, they both woke up pretty much looking like death with wild sex hair to complete the look and a dire case of morning wood pressed up against the other.

They untangled themselves from the other, took one look at each other and burst out laughing, discovering neither of them were exactly gorgeous in the morning. In fact, Gerard looked like he was on crack.

Gerard’s bleary eyed; half awake, half asleep state was adorable to Frank. That and the fact that he had just woken up next to his boyfriend for the first time ever after a night of amazing sex made him really happy.

He was happy as well as horny and as a result Frank was on top of Gerard again within seconds, his bare chest against him and kissing him sloppily, not giving a damn about morning breath; his or Gerard’s.

He cupped Gerard’s face with his hands gently as he kissed him passionately.

Gerard, getting even hornier, seemed to abandon his attempt at being gentle with his boyfriend and grabbed him by the hips, pulling him closer to him, their bare chests bumping against one another.

                                                                                                -

After a few minutes, Frank pulled away from Gerard, earning an unhappy moan for him.

Frank just laughed and placed a few kisses to his jaw before lightly getting off Gerard’s stomach and slipping off the bed.

“I’m going for a shower,” he announced and went to leave the room, not bothering to put any underwear on first.

“Mmm,” groaned Gerard half-heartedly, and made a lazy attempt to grab Frank’s wrist and stop him from leaving.

Frank just laughed and gave Gerard’s hand a quick squeeze before sauntering out of the room, throwing a quick wink over his shoulder.

"You fucking tease," mumbled Gerard indignantly.

Gerard watched Frank’s ass as he walked away and dropped his head back onto his pillow and sighed.

After a few seconds and a mini battle with himself, he lunged up off the bed and made his way to the bathroom, deciding his hand just wasn’t going to do it for him this time.

                                                                                                -

Frank was in the shower when Gerard opened the door.

Apparently Frank had been expecting him as he turned around straight away when he heard the door creak open and grinned.

Gerard took in the sight of Frank’s wet body, which was perfect in every way and felt himself get even harder ( _He really had no idea that that was possible at this stage_ ).

                                                                                                -

Gerard quickly threw off all his clothes, not particularly caring where they landed.

He pulled his t shirt over his chest, his stomach taunt as he moved. When he got his t shirt off Gerard was surprised to see Frank staring at him himself, biting his lip with a lustful look in his eyes that drove him crazy.

Gerard stepped into the shower, letting the hot water run over his body and dampen his long black hair against his forehead.

Gerard wove his arms around Frank’s waist and tugged him closer to him, kissing him softly and carefully as he rubbed his hip with thumb, wanting to convey all his love into one single kiss to show Frank what he felt.

He wanted to show him _'this is it; this is love, this is hope it’s supposed to be and this is how it’s going to be for as long as you’re with me_ '.

Gerard knew Frank got the message as when he finally pulled back from his lips, Frank was looking at him with so much love that it hurt.

It was times like these where Gerard knew he made the right decision in choosing Frank. It wasn’t even questionable anymore and it hadn’t been for a long time.

                                                                                                -

In the heat of the kiss, both Gerard and Frank had seemed to forget why exactly they got into the shower in the first place. Apart from, you know, to get clean.

However, when Gerard remembered he reacted quickly, wasting no time.

He immediately began pressing kisses to Frank’s jaw and moving down to his neck where he quickly found his sweet spot, causing a low lust filled groan from Frank.

Gerard looked for Frank for permission who quickly responded with a small smile and an eye roll as if to say _'Duh, now hurry up_.'

                                                                                                -

Gerard grabbed Frank’s hips and hoisted him up, smashing his pale skin against the wall of the shower.

Gerard reached over to the shelf beside the shower and grabbed a condom, rolling it on.

Frank meanwhile grabbed a bottle of shampoo and handed it to Gerard who muttered his thanks and lathered some on both his fingers and his length.

Within seconds Gerard was pushing his fingers inside his boyfriend whose breathing became shallow and measured. Gerard reassured him by kissing him messily.

“Shh, it’s okay,” he murmured against the crook of Frank’s neck.

Frank shuddered but nodded slowly.

                                                                                                -

Seconds later Gerard pulled out his fingers and lined himself up with Frank’s ass.

He pushed in slowly and waited a minute or so before thrusting into him, causing Frank to wither and moan beneath him and scratch lines into his back.

Within minutes Frank was moaning louder than ever and warning Gerard of how close he was. Gerard reassured him he was the same and minutes later they before came together, panting and out of breath but pretty fucking satisfied.

They spent the next few minutes letting the come drain down the plug hole whilst they kissed and let the water run over their bodies.

                                                                                                -

The water gradually turned from scalding hot to horribly cold and that was when they both accepted the fact that they should probably get out.

Gerard quickly looked for a fluffy towel for Frank, his sopping hair dripping on the floor as he looked after his boyfriend’s best interests before his own.

He quickly found Frank a towel and pressed it into his hands, pushing a soft kiss on his forehead.

“Ahh, shower sex,” he laughed as he rubbed his hair with a dirty towel that had been left on the floor by him earlier, obviously satisfied now his needs had been fulfilled.

“Shut up,” laughed Frank playfully shoving him in the direction of the kitchen.

                                                                                                -

Gerard took Frank’s hint and went to the kitchen to make coffee for them both, making a quick pit stop to his bedroom on the way to get clean underwear.

They pottered around the apartment for a while longer, getting ready to go to breakfast.

Frank tried to convince Gerard he would have been happy to eat at home but Gerard insisted on bringing him out, even if it was just to the closest diner, just so he could see as much of the 'outside world' so to speak, as he could before returning to what he liked to call ‘the prison.’

Gerard knew Frank was only half joking when he called the hospital that. Gerard knew Frank would be horribly sad about going back to the ward and being separated from him once again, so he at least wanted him to have as much fun as possible before he left.

He hoped that having Frank stay over at his house had motivated him and made him want to leave the hospital even more than he did right now, if that was even possible.

                                                                                                -

They decided to walk to the local diner, and enjoy the cool breeze of the morning.

As they walked, they swung their clasped hands, falling into step beside each other and often bumping into each other from wanting to be as close as possible.

They entered the little diner, the bell above the door announcing their arrival, and slipped into a booth.

They ate breakfast quietly, laughing over pancakes and orange juice.

Frank happily talked to Gerard about whatever topic was brought up and he laughed and teased him over his corny jokes as usual.

However, Gerard also caught him looking over to the clock hung up on the wall of the diner numerous times.

He was obviously keeping track of the time, counting down the hours until he had to leave Gerard’s company and go back to his very own private hell.

                                                                                                -

After about the fiftieth time seeing Frank either picking at his nails, checking the clock or chewing nervously on his lip, Gerard clasped his hand and squeezed it, not needing to say anything at all.

Frank gave him a smile of acknowledgement and squeezed his own hand back; half-heartedly but it was something at least. He didn’t attempt to say anything else, but Gerard noticed from then on he looked at the clock considerably less.

Still, he practically had a heart attack when he looked at the clock when they got up to leave and saw that he had to be back at the hospital within the hour.

He looked liked he wanted to cry and honestly Gerard just wanted to pinch his cute little cheeks, give him a big hug and then hide him inside his closet before making his way back down to the hospital and claiming that Frank had gotten lost, like a little puppy.

Frank always reminded Gerard of a puppy and yet right now he looked like a little lost abandoned puppy, a puppy that had been smacked on the nose and sent outside.

It was heart breaking for Gerard to see his boyfriend so upset, especially when he knew he could do nothing about it.

As they walked back to Gerard’s apartment, Frank got even quieter.

He was barely saying a word by the time they reached the apartment building and let themselves into the apartment to collect Frank’s stuff.

All Gerard could do was hold him close, say comforting things and rub the inside of Frank’s wrist with his thumb, something he had discovered Frank found comforting.

He was almost scared the first time he had done it as he didn’t know how Frank would react to him touching his scars but when he had leant against him and sighed contentedly, he knew it was the right thing to do. From then on he did it whenever he needed to comfort Frank.

Gerard sensed he would need to comfort Frank a lot today.

                                                                                                -

Frank quickly collected his things, picking his dirty clothes up off the floor and handing some of the stained underwear they had used to clean up after themselves to Gerard to wash later with a smirk.

They had time before they had to leave so Gerard went to make a quick cup of coffee to fuel his habit, whilst Frank went to check his hickeys in the mirror.

They had faded to a much lighter colour than before but were still noticeable if you really looked. “What am I going to do about these?” shouted Frank to Gerard who was in the kitchen, hoping he could hear him.

Gerard walked out clutching a steaming mug of coffee and watched Frank lightly stroke the bruises on his skin.

Frank’s fingernails slightly pulled at the skin as he examined it and he made a slight grimace. _'Well shit_ ,' thought Gerard as he felt his pants grow slightly tighter. _'Yet another weird thing I find attractive about him. Then again, what isn’t there to like.'_

Frank started at him pointedly through the mirror, his eyebrows raised. Gerard realised he was still waiting for an answer.

“Oh! Um, I uh, I don’t know really. They’re not that noticeable anyway.”

Frank pulled a face. “Still though…What am I going to do if someone asks?”

Gerard set down his coffee and pulled Frank close to him, kissing all over the hickeys. “Say,” *kiss* "my lovely boyfriend whom I love very much I might add," *kiss* "gave them to me. Okay?” Gerard joked, winking at Frank and peppering his face in kisses.

Frank rolled his eyes playfully and pushed him away. “You’re going to get me into trouble!” insisted Frank, half-heartedly now.

“I’m not, they won’t notice a thing I swear!” promised Gerard. “Anyway, you loved it,” he said, winking.

Frank said nothing but shook his head fondly, grinned and dragged Gerard out of the door.

                                                                                                -

The drive to the hospital was quiet.

Gerard drove with one hand, the other clasped in Frank’s stroking his palm with his thumb to calm him.

Gerard knew Frank was just trying to keep in his emotions but he could easily see through him and knew how upset he was to go back to the hospital.

Gerard took one of the CDs he had gotten Frank for his birthday and slid it in to the CD player, knowing Frank’s favourite songs would calm him down.

Frank’s death grip on Gerard’s hand immediately lessened as the music started to play and he relaxed noticeably.

Gerard relaxed himself knowing that Frank was feeling better.

He silently thanked the crappy punk band Frank adored. After a few minutes he felt Frank’s eyes on him.

He turned to Frank who was gazing at him with both shock and adoration. He blushed, quickly realising he had been singing.

Gerard had recently discovered that his singing was another thing that calmed Frank but he was still pretty self-conscious about his voice. Not many people had heard him sing. Yet he knew that was what Frank needed right now so he decided to suck it up and sing along to the songs which were playing.

He sang self-consciously at first but a grateful squeeze of his hand from Frank was enough to reassure him to keep going. By the time they were nearing their destination Frank was even humming along.

                                                                                                -

Frank had been looking out of the window for the majority of the journey, his feet bouncing up and down against the floor of the car.

When he realised they were nearing the hospital he gripped Gerard’s hand again and made a small noise of terror, almost like a whimper.

Gerard squeezed his hand back and just hoped he wouldn’t try to do something stupid like make a run for it when they parked.

Thankfully he didn’t, yet Gerard had locked the doors just in case.

Instead, Frank turned to face Gerard, biting his lip so hard it bled.

Gerard wiped the blood away with his finger and brushed his fingers against Frank’s face, silently reassuring him things would be okay. “I don’t want to go back,” Frank finally confessed, his eyes filling with tears that threatened to spill over. “I hate it there,” he cried. “I hate it so much.”

Gerard’s heart broke as he looked at his vulnerable and snivelling boyfriend. “I know, I know,” he murmured, pulling him in for a hug. “I know you do, sweetheart.”

Frank burst into tears against Gerard’s back and gripped him tightly. “It’s so horrible there. I feel so alone there. I know I have you but…” Frank stopped and drew back from his boyfriend’s embrace, shaking his head and looking disgusted at himself that he gave in and broke down. “No, never mind.”

He tried to smile but it was weak and it didn’t fool anyone. Gerard looked concerned as he wiped the tears away from Frank’s face.

“Baby, what were you going to say?” Frank shook his head and Gerard knew he wasn’t going to get any more out of him.

“Nothing, it’s nothing. I just miss you when you go, you know? I’ve been here for a long time and I just want to be with you properly.”

Gerard nodded, totally understanding but also pretending like he didn’t know there was more to it.

However, he had known Frank would be upset at having to leave him and go back to the hospital. He expected it so he decided to not dwell on it too much.

Instead, he kissed Frank gently on his lips then again on his jaw, his neck, his forehead, his temple, his cute little nose. By this time Frank’s tears had dried and he was at least attempting to smile again.

                                                                                                -

Eventually they got out of the car and made their way inside, Frank clutching his overnight bag as well as his birthday presents from Gerard, and looking as panicked as a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car.

Gerard couldn’t touch him anymore now so he had to make do with sending him supportive smiles.

                                                                                                -

When they got inside, Frank immediately sloped off to his room under the pretence of unpacking. Really he just wanted to get away from everyone; away from the nurses asking how his visit went, away from the kids who had been here for so long that they couldn’t remember what it was like in the ‘outside world’ and would undoubtedly have plenty of questions.

Really he just slipped off his jeans and crawled into bed, pulling the covers over his body and pressing his face into the pillow to try and stop himself from crying.

Frank knew Gerard now had a meeting to discuss how the visit out had gone.

He knew this would determine how quickly he got out and prayed Gerard wouldn’t tell them about his mini breakdown outside.

He cursed himself for letting his façade slip even for a second. He was angry at himself, angrier than you would ever believe and it was all he could do not to scream into his pillow and scratch up his thighs with his fingers.

Instead he tried to sleep, knowing Gerard would be gone for an hour or so.

                                                                                                -

He woke up hours later to someone perched on the side of the bed and stroking his hair. The person muttered an apology for waking him up and started talking about the meeting in hushed tones.

However, it was all just words to Frank who was too tired to even keep his eyes open properly. He heard the words ‘good news,’ and ‘soon,’ and ‘good behaviour’; he heard the voice talking about appointments and being busy and being gone all day.

Suddenly the voice was gone, leaving Frank alone, leaving him safe to sleep and not have to pretend to be fine.

If he had to pretend any longer, he knew he would scream.

Frank quickly drifted off back to sleep.

                                                                                                -

He woke up hours later, expecting to be back in Gerard’s arms. The realisation that he was alone, in the same old room in the same old place, kept here day after day like an endless cycle, like an eternal groundhog day hit him like a ton of bricks.

He cried silently into his pillow, the self-loathing back in full force, without Gerard’s kisses to fend it off.

For the first time in a while, Frank didn’t attempt to make himself feel better.

Instead, he welcomed the self-loathing and the sadness with open arms, realising he needed Gerard more than ever before to make this all go away.

However, that wasn't an option right now and he wasn't about to leave his room and let everyone know how upset he was.

He wanted to keep it to himself, let himself feel as bad as possible.

Being with Gerard had made him happier than ever before and now he was alone without his comfort, he realised how much he had missed hating himself this much. It sounded ridiculous but it was true.

                                                                                                -

Frank ended up sleeping for most of the day.

He was left alone because everyone assumed he was just tired from his visit out, and because he was hidden under his duvet covers, the cameras couldn't see how upset he was.

He woke up in the evening disorientated and feeling worse than ever.

Gerard stepped into the room an hour or so later and Frank didn't even question why he was there.

Gerard grabbed his hand and pressed and soft kiss to his lips. "You okay, baby?" whispered Gerard as he stroked Frank's hair away from his face.

Frank nodded and attempted to smile, glad that sleep had caused his tears to dry and leave no indication of what a horrible day he'd had.

Gerard smiled at him and held his hand, chattering to him softly until Frank fell asleep yet again, too tired to pretend he was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are appreciated!
> 
> Love you guys!


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

It turned out that Gerard had been telling Frank that the meeting had gone well; except Frank had been half asleep so the news had fallen on deaf ears.

When Gerard asked Frank if he was excited the next day and Frank looked at him as if to say _“What the hell are you talking about?”_ , Gerard realised his boyfriend hadn’t heard a word of what he had said the night before, and so took great delight in telling him all over again.

At the meeting Gerard had stressed how well Frank had reacted to being out of the hospital, and that, along with the fact that he was doing so well was reason enough to release him.

As Gerard was Frank’s psychiatrist and the one who Frank had been staying with the last two days, his opinions led to a discussion and Gerard was surprised to hear a few of his colleagues actually agreed with him.

And so, after a lengthy discussion, it was agreed that Frank could leave within the next few weeks.

                                                                                                -

There was no need to keep him here any longer after all.

Within the past few months he had been taken off suicide watch and was making a huge amount of progress; or so they thought anyway.

In the past month or so whenever Gerard had asked Frank if he still had urges to cut Frank had looked him in the eyes and answered “no,” with a look so sincere Gerard couldn’t think it to be anything else but true.

He hadn’t attempted to cut again like he had done when he first got to the hospital and was actually speaking in group therapy instead of shooting everyone daggers and looking like he wanted to kill them all.

Well, he'd only speak if he had to, but still, it was something.

Because of his progress, there didn’t seem to be a reason to keep him here anymore.

Those in charge decided to wait just another few weeks to be certain he really was ready to leave, but he could potentially be released within the month.

                                                                                                -

Gerard told Frank all this with a huge grin on his face, squeezing his hand with such force that Frank felt like he was going to crush it.

Frank was utterly speechless and so just sat there, looking up at Gerard as if he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Gerard pulled him in for a hug and kissed his forehead, murmuring “I love you, Frankie." and "I’m so proud baby,” against his hair.

Frank was still pretty speechless so he leant against Gerard and breathing in his familiar, comforting smell of coffee and cigarettes, let a few tears slip out; ones filled with absolute total and utter relief.

                                                                                                -

Of course, Frank was told all this at a meeting later on in the day.

He had to go through the whole rigmarole again, pretending to be shocked, but happy.

He didn’t want anyone to see him cry, it was enough to have Gerard look concerned and try to wipe away his tears, making him want to crawl into a hole and die out of complete embarrassment.

He was doing more crying than he’d like lately anyway.

                                                                                                -

The issue of where Frank was going to live with brought up and Frank stared at the doctors around the table nervously.

He only knew two of them, Dr Peters, and Gerard and even though they both smiled warmly at him, Frank still felt like he was being observed and scrutinized by the rest of the panel.

He swallowed a lump in his throat, pulled his sleeves down over his hands and tried to look them in the eye.

He was told by an older woman, with what seemed like fake sympathy, that they had tried to contact his mother, and although she was happy he was getting out, she didn’t want to see him, not yet anyway, and she certainly didn't want Frank to live with her.

                                                                                                -

Although he had expected it, Frank felt his heart drop and feeling tears prick in his eyes, he fought back the urge to cry.

Even after all this time they'd been apart from one another, his mother still didn’t want to see him.

She didn’t have any faith in him at all it seemed; she thought he’d go back to his old ways.

Frank tried not to let the fact that his heart was breaking show as he realised apart from Gerard, he was basically alone in the world.

I mean, sure he had Ray and Bob back at school but he wasn't sure if that even meant anything anymore.

He'd left them without an explanation, for months. Surely they'd hate him by now.

Frank realised he hadn't even thought of this before now and it made him feel guilty, and well as sick to his stomach.

He didn't have his friends anymore and he most certainly didn't have his mother as if she didn’t want to see him, even now, then when would she ever?

                                                                                                -

However, Frank didn’t blame his mother for what she was doing, and he couldn’t bring himself to hate her either.

He loved her, and he always would. Frank knew she loved him too; there was no doubt of that.

She had tried to help him with everything she had since this had all started at fifteen, but she just couldn't help him anymore.

At least that must be what she thought.

However, as Frank realised this, his blood ran cold with fear.

If he couldn’t stay with his mother, who could he stay with? Would he have to go into care?

Maybe they wouldn’t release him after all.

Frank started to panic.

His mind went blank and he tried to focus on breathing and being logical.

Why would they tell him he could leave, only to tell him he couldn’t because his mother didn’t want him, something they knew before they told him they were letting him go.

It just wasn't logical.

He’d be fine.

Everything would be fine.

He was still trying to convince himself of this when a squeeze of his knee brought him back to earth.

His breathing became steadier as he focused on Gerard’s face which was shooting him a concerned and confused look.

                                                                                                -

Thankfully, the other doctors seemed to be wrapped up in a heated debate, one that Gerard also seemed very concerned about, so they didn’t notice Frank’s mini panic attack and Gerard comforting him.

Frank shook his head to reassure Gerard everything was fine and intertwined their hands together, giving his palm a quick squeeze before ripping it away when one of the doctors, a middle aged woman with brown curly hair and too much lipstick, raised her voice to one of the other doctors, a balding but friendly looking man, and almost shouted “Well why don’t you just ask him?”

The conflict caused Frank to jump and he looked to Gerard, hoping for some clue as to what was going on. However, Gerard looked sheepishly at the floor and pretended to ignore him.

This caused Frank to be even more confused.

He continued to look at Gerard but sighed and gave up when Gerard continued to pretend to be interested in the hardwood floor.

“Frank,” began the balding man, fixing him with a small smile. “When you get out of here, there’s the matter of where you’re going to live. Now we’ve already discussed you living at your mothers',” he continued, ignoring Frank’s flinches. “And obviously that’s not going to work out. Now, because you’re eighteen, you’re a legal adult. You can, and I’m sure you will, get your own place in the near future, but right now, you need somewhere to stay, just for a month or so until you adjust to the outside world again. Normally you would go back to your parent’s house, but as that isn’t an option, we discussed sending you to care.” Frank’s heart sank and he resigned himself to the thought of a miserable future. “However, we contacted your mother and she wasn’t happy with that option.”

Frank’s heart reignited with a little bit more love for his mom. “And frankly,” the balding doctor continued, “neither were we. It would be just like sending you from one institution to another. But it seemed like that was the only option we had. That is until Doctor Way here, suggested something to us earlier today.”

 

Frank looked between Gerard and the balding doctor in confusion, realising that had been why Gerard had been so awkward.

“Gerard has offered for you to stay at his place, just for the month or so that we’ll need to keep an eye on you. Someone would come around every few weeks, just to see how things were working out. This is a pretty unusual circumstance, but it’s definitely happened before. And although this may not be the most appropriate thing to do, it seems like the best option we have. Would that be okay with you, Frank? To live with Gerard?” The balding man asked, looking at Frank with a friendly smile.

                                                                                                -

 _Oh, you want me to live with my boyfriend, the person I love most in the entire world? Oh ok, that shouldn’t be a problem_.

                                                                                                -

Frank nodded and sent a small smile to the balding men, trying to look like he hadn’t just won the lottery.

“Oh, uh, yeah, I mean, that’d be great. I mean I it, uh, might be awkward or whatever at first, but I couldn’t really think of anyone better to live with. He’s really helped me in the past few months and I know he could help me, you know, adjust. Plus, like you said, this is better than just living in another institution,” Frank answered, repeating the doctor’s words, knowing that would help to convince him.

The balding man looked at the woman with too much lipstick and gave her a look as if to say “ _Ha, I told you so._ ”

The woman looked annoyed that she had been proved wrong and gave a small sound of annoyance before remaining quiet for the rest of the meeting.

They went through a few more formalities before the meeting was over, telling Frank that he’d still have to attend weekly therapy sessions whilst he was living with Gerard.

Frank agreed happily, preferring an hour a week of torture over constant supervision.

They also told him that when he left, Gerard couldn’t be his doctor anymore, and instead Doctor Peters would take over.

Frank accepted this easily and by now was just dying to leave the company of the balding man, the woman with the lipstick and everyone else in the room.

Except Gerard of course.

                                                                                                -

The meeting finally ended and Doctor Peters came over to Frank, congratulating him on being released and telling him how proud he was off him.

Beside them, Gerard beamed, forever the proud and dutiful boyfriend.

Finally, they escaped to Gerard’s office.

                                                                                                -

As soon as the door was shut, Frank pushed Gerard against the wall and pushed his lips to his mouth, pouring all his thanks that he couldn't convey into words into the kiss.

Frank broke the kiss minutes later and took Gerard by the wrist, leading him to his desk.

Frank leant against the desk and draped his arms around Gerard’s neck, pulling him back into a kiss.

Gerard pushed against Frank and lifted him up into the desk, gripping his hips and pulling apart from the kiss to nip at his neck and leave little love bites on his skin.

Frank moaned underneath Gerard's touch and tried not to go to pieces underneath him.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.”

                                                                                                -

After a few minutes, Frank pulled back from Gerard, internally kicking himself for intentionally for choosing to speak when he could have Gerard's lips attached to his own and his hands squeezing his hips.

Gerard shot a confused look to Frank. "Something wrong? We can stop if you'd-"

Frank shook his head vigorously. "No. No. I just wanted to say thank you. I can't go on doing this without letting you know how thankful I am."

Gerard cocked his head, looking more confused than ever. "Thank you?" he questioned.

Frank nodded again. "Yeah. I just...I don't know. For the past while getting out of here seemed like a dream; a stupid, unattainable dream. In the end I stopped thinking about getting out, and I started wishing for it. And after a while longer stuck in this place, I just stopped thinking and wishing to get out altogether ‘cause it just seemed so fucking unlikely, you know?"

Gerard nodded.

"I thought I was gonna be one of those people that gets stuck here forever, and gets forgotten about. It really seemed like a possibility, especially cause my mom doesn't want to see me anymore."

Gerard squeezed Frank's hands and nodded, urging him to continue.

"But now, here I am. I'm getting out soon, I really am. It's not just wishful thinking on my part, it's actually really fucking happening. And that seems crazier. Crazier than me, maybe." Frank gave a short bitter laugh, then looked into Gerard's eyes for the first time since he started speaking. "And it's all to do with you. You never gave up on me, you know?”

“…And without getting too soppy, I just wanted to say thanks. Like really, truly. You've always been there, fighting my corner, helping me more than I ever thought possible. I'm getting out cause of you, Gerard. And fuck, I love you so much. I never thought I'd love someone this much, never, ever. But I do. So thank you. Thank you for helping me, and thank you for loving me,” he finished, ducking his head to avoid looking into Gerard’s eyes as he knew if he did, the tears in his eyes would spill over.

                                                                                                -

Gerard took his finger and tilted Frank’s chin to face him.

He wiped the tears away before they had a chance to fall and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “It was my pleasure, sweetheart. I love you, more than you'll ever know, believe me,” Gerard pressed soft kisses to Frank's lips, cheeks and neck, kissing away all his tears one by one as he stroked his hand with his thumb.

Frank sighed and cuddled into Gerard's chest, breathing in his familiar smell and feeling totally and utterly content as Gerard stroked his hair and looked down at him fondly.

                                                                                                -

Frank went to bed that night feeling nervous for the upcoming weeks, terrified and excited to leave and beyond totally and utterly grateful for Gerard for helping him to get out.

He was honestly starting to believe he’d never be able to escape the dark and depressing corridors of the hospital, the sympathetic looks of the staff, the screams he could hear at night and the people who walked around in a drug induced state, looking life dead, lifeless zombies.

Perhaps some of them were at this stage.

Frank knew this place couldn’t help him, hadn’t helped him (except to get him closer to Gerard).

He’d just wished everyone else had listened to him when he’d told them that months ago.

Yet, now with the knowledge that he was getting out soon, Frank felt slightly more excited and hopeful for the future.

He hoped that this could be a turning point for him; the day he finally started to feel happy.

                                                                                                -

The hopeful feeling didn’t last long.

Excitement for the future was hard to maintain when Frank's mood dropped and he woke up the next morning in the same bed, same place as before, a month seeming further away than ever.

It was hard to be optimistic when he wasn’t even happy, and it was getting even harder to maintain to pretence that he was, knowing that if he let his façade slip for one minute he might not get to leave at all.

These places were brutal. If you said one thing they didn’t agree with, they could twist it, making it seem worse than before or far out of proportion.

They seemed to forget that they were dealing with people with mental illnesses; they weren't going to be totally happy, totally healthy, or totally love themselves for a long time; that was obvious, especially when their problems had gotten so bad that they ended up locked away from other people against their own will.

They were always going to have a doubtful perception of themselves, even if it was buried deep inside.

Just because they were supposed to be recovering didn’t mean It was easy, didn’t mean they were never gonna say sad, fucked up things.

It seemed to be an unwritten rule for all psychiatrists, psychologists, and anyone working in the mental health business to completely forget this; to deliberately misunderstand whatever their patients said and make something bigger out of it instead of accepting that fucked up thoughts are a part of recovery.

Therefore, Frank knew he had to keep his mouth shut.

Talking about how he really felt hadn’t gotten him very far in the past and he wasn’t about to ruin his chances of getting away from this place now when leaving was just within his grasps.

                                                                                                -

Frank had been pretending to be okay for the past few months, yet he had often spoken to Gerard about how he felt on his worse days, without letting too much slip.

However, now he couldn’t.

He was deeply aware that although Gerard was his boyfriend and loved him, he was also one of them, and the fact that he loved him, may lead him to betray him in the end.

Therefore, Frank was left feeling more alone than ever.

He found himself pushing Gerard away slightly, worrying that if he let Gerard get too close, he would figure out that things weren’t okay.

He was just hanging on; waiting for the day he could get out and stop pretending.

                                                                                                -

It was torture having to pretend he was okay for the next four weeks it took for him to be released.

No matter how hard he pretended, he knew those around him wouldn’t believe him forever.

After all, they were trained to know how people really felt, so Frank was totally baffled by the fact that no one had called him out on his behaviour yet.

He often caught Gerard looking at him with a look he couldn’t quite figure out, but he’d just smile at him and pretend he didn’t know exactly what he was thinking.

It was like his time was running out and so, he was so relieved when the end of November came and he could leave.

                                                                                                -

Frank had been looking forward to his release date for the entire month of November.

Waiting for something had seemed to make time pass by ever slower and Frank was beginning to believe the 30th of November would never come by.

By the time the date rolled around, it didn't even feel real.

Frank felt like this was happening to someone else instead of to him and he didn't quite know how to handle it.

                                                                                                -

Frank packed his bag that morning and looked around the little white room he had slept in for the last few months.

He didn’t feel anything at all. In fact, the room made him feel slightly sick.

Looking around it just made him relive all the horrible thoughts and feelings he’d had over the past few months.

The only fond memory he had of the room was all the times Gerard had held him in it, touched him and kissed his tears away.

However, even those memories were bittersweet.

He left the room without a second glance, resisting the urge to give the finger to the camera perched above him that had been watching him the entire time.

                                                                                                -

He went to find Gerard who was singing papers for his release at the front desk and hovered near him, waiting patiently and biting his lip.

He quietly urged for Gerard to hurry up as he watched his boyfriend talking and laughing to the receptionist as he signed the papers, worrying that if Gerard took too long, someone would appear out of nowhere and tell him this was all a joke; that he couldn’t leave or that papers had been mixed up and it wasn't him that was supposed to be leaving at all.

Gerard finally seemed to notice Frank’s presence, and sensing his nervousness, quickly finished up with the papers, telling the receptionist he’d see her later.

                                                                                                -

Dr Peters came round to see Frank off and then they were leaving, walking out of the door and getting in the car and Frank was crying from relief and Gerard was holding him close and whispering that he loved him in his ear.

Then they were driving to Gerard’s home, which was now Frank’s home too and they were bursting through the door and Gerard was shoving Frank against the wall and kissing him and touching him and whispering that he loved him and Frank was kissing him back and touching him back and whispering “God, I love you too.”

                                                                                                -

The first week of Frank’s release passed without much event; the two spent most of their days curled up either in bed or on the couch, passing the days watching crappy movies and working their way through large vats of popcorn.

They were practically joined at the hip, spending their time constantly entwining their bodies with each other’s, a hand always resting on a leg, an arm brushing against another, or wrapped around a stomach, fingers brushing hairs out of the others eyes, and lips constantly pressed to the others lips, or face, or neck or jaw.

Of course they ventured outside often too, visiting Mikey at his workplace and checking out the latest comics at the same time, or sitting by the riverside, swinging their legs and holding hands, throwing old stale bread to the ducks who stared at them inquisitively.

They bought coffee and walked around the local park, Frank often breaking the clasp of their hands to lean down and pet a passing dog, not mentioning how much he missed Mama, but Gerard being able to tell anyway.

They enjoyed their new found freedom, both their freedom of being together as a couple, being able to kiss and hold hands in public, with no one knowing them, no one passing remarks, and Frank's freedom of being back in the _'real world'_ , with no one to dictate him or censor him.

They existed as a normal couple, and a happy one at that.

They were able to enjoy the simple pleasures that so many others had begun to take advantage of, as they were new to them.

Everything was new and exciting; for once in both their lives, they felt free.

                                                                                                -

Whoever rose first in the mornings would make coffee and bring it to the other who was still in bed, waking them up with a kiss on the forehead and placing the steamy cup in their hands.

Frank would sit on the kitchen counter and swing his legs whilst Gerard made them breakfast or dinner, teasing him and laughing at his corny jokes, begging him to sing, which Gerard would often do, humouring Frank to make him smile.

Frank would strum away on Pansy at Gerard's request and Gerard would marvel at how nimble and quick his fingers were, how raw and passionate the sounds he could make were.

Frank was the same with Gerard's talents, walking about the apartment and picking up fallen sheets of crumpled paper containing quick five minute sketches.

He would smooth the papers out and trace the ink, thinking about how well his boyfriend could draw.

He would rescue thrown away drawings from the wastepaper bin and laughed fondly when Gerard would have to throw away his notes and start writing them out again after he had zoned out and started drawing in the corner of the page.

                                                                                                -

At night they would both hang out of their open bedroom window, clutching cigarettes between their fingers and breathing in the smoky midnight air, listening to the sounds of the traffic and watching the city lights, trying to spot the stars in the velvet sky as they chain smoked the night away.

Then, they would put out their cigarettes or simply drop them down into the night below, and collapse into bed, snaking their arms around the other and bringing them close, whispering in their ear and kissing them, wanting the other so much it was almost as if they were about to swallow them whole.

                                                                                                -

And yeah, Frank’s bottles of pills still lined the bedside cabinet, and his (reclaimed) phone would light up early in the morning and last thing at night, reminding him to take them; there were days when all the life seemed to drain out of his eyes and for seemingly no reason at all, he wouldn’t want to sleep or eat or talk, or leave the house, leave their bed.

But they could cope with that, they could survive that.

Although Gerard couldn't stop the noise in Frank’s head, he knew how to make him feel better, at least until the horrible, dark feelings passed for another day or so.

All in all, things were going pretty well. In amongst all the bad days, they still had the good days; days where they would laugh so much it hurt, days where they couldn’t take their hands off each other. And when Frank just couldn’t hide how sad he was, Gerard had to remind him that his best days in the hospital still would never be as good as his bad days here. He, however, didn’t have to remind himself. He knew he had done the right thing.

                                                                                                -

He also knew, however, that one of the reasons things had been going well was because he was constantly with Frank, constantly there to keep an eye on him and look after him when his mood dropped.

He knew that he’d have to return to work soon and from then on, things would get harder.

You see, he had taken a break for a week to focus on Frank, and had passed his patients on to another colleague.

He only saw a few people once a week, and so he figured they’d be okay.

But in the second week, and with a permanent job offer from the hospital, he realised he’d have to sell his office and pass his patients onto someone else.

He wasn’t happy about selling up, and he was even less happy about fobbing the kids he saw off on someone else after they’d begun to trust him.

However, he knew being there for Frank was more important. The kids needed him, but not in the way Frank needed him.

Besides, it had come to a point where Frank was the most important thing in Gerard’s life right now; Gerard couldn’t see it being any other way anymore.

                                                                                                -

It was pretty hard for Gerard to believe that the hospital he’d worked at whilst Frank was there found him so helpful that they’d asked him to work for him full time.

He couldn’t believe they wanted him, but at the same time, he was glad they did. He’d made some great friends there, and although he loved being his own boss, he was happy for the change.

They’d offered him the job just before Frank had left and given him plenty of time to think about it. Within a week, he had accepted.

They’d decided to give him another week to be there for Frank and to make arrangements. Gerard knew he couldn’t leave Frank on his own for the three hours he’d be working every day, but there was nowhere for him to go.

Frank’s school year had graduated whilst he was in the unit, and there was no way he could go back and repeat the year.

In the end, Gerard made arrangements for Frank to start online school to catch up so he could graduate, and go to the library every day for the lessons. That way he wouldn’t be left on his own.

Fortunately for Gerard, the little old woman who worked there (who must have been about ninety-five right now, yet was still managing to stock the shelves, stamp books and shush the kids who just wouldn't stop making noise) knew Gerard from his childhood and promised to make sure Frank came in every day and keep an eye on him.

Gerard pitched the idea to Frank who grumbled a bit, complaining that he wasn’t a child and didn’t need a babysitter, but agreed when he saw Gerard’s puppy dog eyes.

So that was it, Frank was sorted.

Gerard spent the next week getting ready to leave for his more permanent job and making sure Frank was okay.

                                                                                                -

A week passed.

By the time the day for Gerard to start work again came, Gerard was nervous; pacing up and down the hallway and drinking cup after cup of coffee, trying not to bite his nails.

He wasn’t particularly bothered about starting back at the hospital after having two weeks off, not even when he knew his job would be different this time and he’d have more duties, more people to take care of.

No, he was worried about Frank. He hated leaving him alone, especially so soon.

He’d spent the past two weeks with him constantly and the thought of leaving him was one he’d tried to avoid over the past few days.

However, now there was no escaping it, nor no avoiding it.

Frank had started online school but was doing it in the apartment until Gerard started work; but now Gerard was starting work again, Frank was going to have to start going to the library.

Gerard had constantly been with Frank for the past two weeks; barely let him out of his sight for more than a few minutes, in fact. And for months before that, they had spent the best part of the day together.

Gerard knew they’d only be apart for a few hours whilst be was working and Frank was studying, but the fact that they’d be apart, and Gerard couldn’t go where Frank was, kind of made him feel like this was Frank’s first day of school again.

                                                                                                -

Gerard dropped Frank off at the library with a kiss and a sandwich, now really feeling like he was starting school.

Gerard’s first day at work passed quickly, without much event.

Mostly he just passed the day being introduced to his new duties, with the thought of Frank forever in the back of his mind.

                                                                                                -

Gerard picked Frank up after work, hoping Frank would have lots to tell him.

However, when he asked him about his day, Frank replied that it was boring, but fine and didn’t have much else to say.

Gerard rolled his eyes fondly at Frank who was behaving like the typical teenager but Frank’s mood and chatter on the way home was enough to stop him worrying and convince himself that Frank would be okay without him for a few hours every day.

                                                                                                -

Frank continued going to school, Gerard continued to go to work.

They existed in harmony, both relatively happy.

Frank was still getting that horrible sinking feeling of depression in his stomach, and wishing that he could hide in bed forever, and seemed to be getting it more and more as the time went on, but continuing hiding it from the unassuming Gerard, wanting to suppress his feelings, knowing it was better than the alternative.

But, overall, they were getting on pretty well.

Until things started to fall apart all over again…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New update - please please comment, rate and subscribe! :)


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

Things fell apart, and they fell apart fast.

It was the little things Gerard started to notice at first. Like how Frank looked tired more often than before, that the dark circles under his eyes that he’d had the first time he’d met Gerard had returned and became darker in the process.

How Frank seemed more irritable, angrier, and would snap at the littlest things.

Gerard noticed that he was eating less, refusing to more than pick at even his favourite meals.

He began to go to bed later, preferring to stay up and smoking cigarette after cigarette, his eyes on the tv, but glazed over, unblinking, not really watching the screen at all.

He would sleep later too, often being roused by Gerard long after the alarm had gone off. And although Frank seemed to be sleeping later, he definitely wasn’t sleeping more.

Gerard often woke in the middle of the night to the sight of Frank awake, staring at the wall with a blank expression, a burned out cigarette between his fingers.

All Gerard could do was kiss his forehead and help him lay back in bed again, then spend the rest of the night worrying continuously about Frank until he fell asleep once again.

                                                                                                -

Then the warning signs really started to come.

Frank was distant, more so than ever. He didn’t want to talk, about anything. He was cold, uninterested.

When Gerard questioned him, he promised he just simply had nothing to say, but constantly? No, Gerard had seen these signs before.

Gerard’s suspicions were further confirmed when Frank practically stopped talking at all, stopped practically everything in fact.

He not only stopped talking but also seemed to lose the tiny bit of emotion he had had left.

He stopped getting excited about things, stopped petting puppies when Gerard dragged him out of the house, stopped watching the tv shows he liked, stopped listening to his favourite bands.

Pansy once again began to gather dust in the corner.

After a while, Frank just put his foot down and flat out refused to leave the house, leave the room, leave his bed apart from going to therapy once a week.

He spent the whole day in there, every single day, not even asleep but lying on his side and staring at the wall.

It looked like it actually physically pained him to smile. In fact, the one time Gerard had gotten a small, shitty, forced smile out of Frank, he had broken down and actually cried straight afterwards, mumbling about how everything was a fucking lie.

They didn’t seem to have that problem anymore though as Frank couldn’t even cry anymore, and Gerard was worrying if he was actually devoid of any emotion.

Worse still, Frank didn’t seem to want to be touched anymore.

He flinched at Gerard’s every touch, innocent or otherwise. Sometimes, he even took it upon himself to move to another room if Gerard sat near him or tried to talk to him.

He constantly sat with his arms around himself, as if protecting himself.

                                                                                                -

Then the alarm bells went off when Frank started wearing long sleeves constantly, pulling his sleeves over his fingers to cover up all his horrible, dark secrets.

It had become a sort of an unwritten rule between them both that Frank couldn’t wear long sleeves for more than two days in a row, just so Gerard knew he was okay, that he wasn’t doing self-harming again.

But now as Gerard saw his boyfriend sitting on the couch day after day, hugging his arms to his body, with layers of fabric covering the skin, he knew.

Frank had fallen back into his old habits, and he had fallen hard.

Gerard knew he had to do something about it and fast, or Frank’s life would be in danger once again.

                                                                                                -

However, Gerard was afraid. He knew he should call the hospital, let them know what was happening and bring Frank back, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He knew if he brought Frank back after him being out for such a little time, he wouldn’t be let out for months and months; especially as his release had been so unsuccessful and he’d obviously gotten much, much worse in the time he was away.

Gerard knew he’d lose Frank, for real this time if he didn’t help him, but he also stupidly believed he could turn things around, make things better.

Therefore, he said nothing, and decided he’d at least wait until he had definitive proof that Frank was cutting again.

Then, he knew he’d have to stop being so selfish and actually do something.

                                                                                                -

Frank was still going to the library each day to study, and was still going to therapy once a week. Gerard tried to convince himself that that was at least something.

However, the pressure of Frank’s depression began to get to Gerard more than he liked to admit. He became moody himself, stressed and angry with the situation, and the fact that it was happening to someone he loved.

He began to drink whenever he could, even at work; stashing bottles in his desk and taking swigs whenever he got the chance.

He was angry at himself for slipping back into his old habits, especially as he had worked so hard to get his life back on track.

He knew he had ruined all his progress and that made him feel even less in control.

He didn’t want to drink around Frank but the withdrawal of even a couple of hours without alcohol made him angry and annoyed with Frank; something he hated himself for as he was supposed to be supportive and understanding.

He felt like everything was unravelling in front of him, and everything he had worked to build was slowly crashing down around him.

Worst still, he knew it’d only be a matter of time before Frank tried something and the thought of it terrified him.

                                                                                                -

Gerard was debating what he should do when he received two calls which made him realise he needed to act fast.

The first one was from Mrs O’ Connor, the old woman who worked in the library. He wasn’t even sure how she’d got his number when he realised she’d rang his work phone; the number of which was easy to find.

He relaxed and was about to answer it when he realised this was more than likely about Frank.

A cold shiver ran down his back and he answered immediately.

The frail voice of the old lady on the line greeted him warmly, then got straight down to what she wanted to tell him.

She explained that she hadn’t seen Frank in several weeks, yet she had assumed he was just doing his lessons at home for some reason. Then, as time went on, she decided to check his online profile, which Gerard had given her the password for.

She apologised for interfering, but explained she was simply worried, which Gerard waved away, telling her it was fine and he’d have done the same.

She then went on to explain there had been no activity on Frank’s page for weeks, and he hadn’t even completed one assignment.

The realisation that Frank had been lying to him for weeks dawned on Gerard and he quickly gave his thanks to the old lady before hanging up.

He leant against the kitchen table, looking up at the ceiling and contemplating what he should do when not ten minutes later, his phone rang again.

This time it was Dr Peters.

Gerard already knew Frank was in trouble but the tone of Evan’s voice on the phone told Gerard there was only more bad news to come. “Gerard,” came Evan’s voice from the phone. “I’ve been trying to contact you for days now!”

Gerard suddenly felt bad about keeping his phone switched off for the past week or so. As the pressure had been building up on him over the last few weeks, he'd wanted an escape and the best he could do was take a break from his phone for a while.

                                                                                                -

“Listen, never mind about that," continued Evan. “I’ve been trying to contact you for a while now; I even went to your office. I’m worried about Frank.”

Gerard felt sick. “Oh, god. What is it?”

“I haven’t seen him in weeks, now Gerard!" exploded Evan. "He hasn’t been to at least three sessions now. At first I thought he was sick, and you’d contact me to tell me, but then you didn’t and I realised you probably didn’t know.”

“You’re right; I didn’t,” Gerard answered back, feeling sicker by the second. “Then the weeks went on,” continued Evan. “And he didn’t show up again, and again. I wanted to speak to you at work but you were never there when I was, and when I rang you, your phone was switched off.

Gerard grimaced, feeling guilty. However, that was taken over by worry without Frank.

In minutes he had gone from being worried and stressed, to feeling totally helpless and knowing his lovely boyfriend had been lying to him for weeks, hadn’t left the house in weeks, in fact.

“There’s more,” continued Evan. “For weeks before that, he barely spoke in sessions. He’d just sit there and stare at his nails, and give monosyllabic answers. But then, about two weeks before he stopped coming altogether, he stopped speaking entirely.  I remember how you told me how he used to do that with you, so I let him do it, thought he was just working through some stuff. I was going to let him have a day without talking to me, and then address it the next week. But then he stopped coming at all. I didn’t realise it was that serious. But...I don’t know, Gerard. This is bad. I think he even may have stopped taking his medication.”

                                                                                                -

“Oh fuck,” exclaimed Gerard, realising he was right. Keeping the phone in his hand, he rifled through the drawer where they kept the morning pills.

“Hold on,” muttered Gerard, as he searched for the bottles. He picked up an unopened bottle, and then another, and another.

“You’re right,” sighed Gerard into the phone, knowing if he looked through Frank’s bedside drawer, he would find more unopened bottles.

“Oh fuck,” shouted Gerard, smashing his hand on the kitchen table. "How could I have been so blind?"

“We’re going to have to do something about this, Gerard,” resolved Evan from the other side of the phone. “From now on, you’ve got to watch him like a hawk. Do not let him out of your sight. I want to give him a chance, I don’t want him to be sent away again. So, I’m gonna be a really horrible doctor right here, but hopefully a good friend, and not tell anyone about this. I want to give you and Frank a chance to work this out. I’ll help you if you want. But if things even get the slightest bit worst, you have to tell me. Especially if you suspect he’s self-harming. Do you hear me, Gerard?”

“Yes,” mumbled, deciding not to tell Evan he already suspected it. They talked a bit more about what they should do, before hanging up.

Before he went, Evan urged Gerard to do whatever it took to help Frank, even if it meant taking away his new found freedom. He told him Frank’s freedom wasn’t worth a thing if he was spending it both miserable and a danger to himself and everyone else.

                                                                                                -

Gerard groaned in frustration.

He knew Evan was right. He had been behaving so idiotically until now, pussy footing around Frank, walking on egg shells, not wanting to upset him.

But now from talking to Evan, Gerard realised he had to do something.

If he didn’t help Frank and fast, he would be sent back to the hospital, and for god knows how long for this time.

Worse still, Gerard wouldn’t be able to be his doctor anymore, especially not after Frank had been shown to be making so little progress under his care.

If Frank was taken away from him now, then that might be it.

He might never be able to see Frank again, or at least not until he got out, in what, months?

No, he needed to stop worrying about Frank’s feelings and make sure he was okay. That was what mattered most. He would do anything in his power not to let that happen but if Frank had to go back to the hospital then that was that.

The thought of scarifying their relationship made Gerard sick to his stomach but if that was a consequence to make Frank well again, then so be it.

                                                                                                -

Gerard slammed to phone back on his desk and made his way to the main bedroom where he knew Frank would be.

“Hey, babe?” he called out, hoping Frank would be in the mood to talk. It wasn’t likely, but hey, a guy could dream.

“Dr Peters just called,” he went on, pushing open the door. “He said some things we really need to talk about…Oh,” he trailed off as he was met with the sight of an empty bedroom, complete with messy bed sheets.

A crash was heard from the bathroom with the sound of Frank whispering “Shit!” under his breath, following.

“Frankie?” called out Gerard, clutching the door knob and squeezing. “You in here?”

Another crash was heard as if the person inside the bathroom was desperately trying to hide or clean up whatever they were doing. “Uh, no! No, don’t come in, okay?”

Now Gerard really was getting worried. “I’m going to have to come in, love,” replied Gerard softly but urgently, jiggling the locked door and hoping it would give.

“No,” whimpered a lost sounding Frank from the other side of the door, his voice just filled with regret and despair.

“I’m coming in, Frankie,” warned Gerard as he shoved his shoulder into the door. “Stand away from the door.”

“Please, Gee,” begged Frank.

“Stand away from the door, baby” repeated Gerard, hoping the fact that his heart was in his mouth from terror at what Frank was doing on the other side of the door, wouldn't affect his strength.

The door finally gave and Gerard was catapulted inside the bathroom, the sight he was faced with, making his heart sink further than it had before.

                                                                                                -

Frank was in front of him, desperately trying to hide his bleeding legs, the gashes deep and flowing with blood.

Dozens of cuts and scars accompanied the new cuts Frank had just made.

“Give me the blade,” said Gerard with gritted teeth, holding out his hand.

“But-“

“God damn it, Frank! Just give me the fucking blade,” shouted Gerard, banging his fist against the sink.

When Frank didn’t move again, Gerard held out his hand and looked at Frank as if to say _“Give it to be right this minute or so help me god…”_

Frank reluctantly dropped the blade into Gerard’s palm, whose fingers enclosed over it straight away.

Frank withdrew his trembling fingers and looked like he was about to burst into tears.

Gerard wasted no time in pushing past Frank and opening the bathroom window, dropping the blade outside where it would be lost.

“No!” Frank shouted, rushing to the window and looking down in the street below. But it was too late, the blade was already far below and out of sight.

Frank really did start crying then. “I can’t believe you did that!” he shouted.

This had been the first time Gerard had heard him speak in almost a week.

“Yeah?” Gerard questioned. “Well I can’t believe you did that!” he shouted back, gesturing to Frank’s torn up legs, the blood running down past his knees and splashing down on to the bathroom mat.

Frank looked away, ashamed.

“Shut up, Gerard, please,” he whined, crying softly.

Gerard scoffed. “Fuck you, Frank! How could you do this?”

Frank flinched, not expecting Gerard to be angry. Upset, yes, but not angry. Maybe he was finally getting sick of him just like everyone else in his life.

A tear ran down Frank’s cheek at the thought. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he mumbled.

Gerard laughed bitterly. “Oh yes, of course; my mistake. Why would I think you wanted to talk about this? You haven’t even spoken to me for the last fucking week! Haven’t even looked me in the eyes.”

                                                                                                -

Frank burst into tears and slid onto the lid of the toilet, a crumpled mess, still trying to hide his bleeding legs even though Gerard had already seen what he had done to them.

Seeing how miserable and pathetic Frank looked, Gerard softened.

“I’m sorry, baby.”

He reached out to Frank who flinched and turned away from him, still snivelling.

Gerard sighed and let his hand fall. He sat on the edge of the bath and eyed Frank. “I just don’t know what to do anymore,” he said, mostly to himself as he ran his hands through his hair in desperation.

“Wait there,” he ordered, pointing at Frank as he got up from the hard edge of the bath. “Don’t you dare move.”

                                                                                                -

He was back a minute later with the first aid kit, crouching beside Frank as he tenderly wiped away the blood and covered the bloody gashes with bandages.

Frank said nothing the whole time, avoiding Gerard’s eyes and concentrating on his hands which were clenched on his lap, biting his lip ring at the same time.

“I just can’t believe how deep they are…” mumbled Gerard under his breath.

He gave a deep sigh and looked at Frank who finally met his gaze. He continued looking at him for another minute or so, taking in his cut up legs, his scarred arms and his tear stained face.

“That’s it,” he said decidedly as he got up and made his way out of the bathroom. “You have to go back.”

                                                                                                -

“No,” begged Frank, desperately scrabbling to get up after Gerard. He stopped him at the bathroom door and grabbed onto his arm, pulling him back. “No, no, no, you can’t do this. You can’t.”

Gerard pulled away from Frank and gripped his shoulders, holding him so he’d have to listen. “Frank, come on! Look at you!  Look what you’ve done to yourself! This was supposed to be just a trial run; I’m supposed to bring you back if things weren’t working out or if you were a danger to you or anyone else. And evidently…” he trailed off, gesturing to Frank’s legs and then again to the blood filled towels left in the sink.

“You need help.”

“Oh god,” shouted Frank starting to get angry now. “Just stop! Yes, I’m a fucking mess right now, I’m aware of that; I’m not fucking stupid! But wake up, Gerard! Can’t you see this is who I am? I can’t help it. God damn it, do you think I want to be this way? This is who I am and it’s shitty and I hate it, but I can’t stop it! This is the way I am. And people like you, you can’t help me. I gave up thinking you could a long time ago. Maybe I’m just destined to be this way, I don’t know anymore. But sending me away, fuck, what good’s that shit gonna do? We’ve tried it time and time before, ever since I was fifteen. It’s never worked. This is the way it’s always gonna be, can’t you see that? This is just a bad patch really, a horrible shitty fucking relapse but it’s okay, you know why?”

“Frank, just stop-,“ Frank shook his head.

“No Gerard, just listen to me, alright? This is horrible, of course it is, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get through it. I can and I will. I’ve done this a thousand times, haven’t I? I never wanted to before in my life. You know, get through it or whatever. But then I met you and now I really do. And because I want to, I can do it. I know I’ve said that a thousand times already but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t trying then, or that I’m not trying now! You’re the best thing in my life Gerard, I need you. I don’t need to be sent away, I don’t need pills or doctors or anything like that, I just need you. None of that shit has ever worked for me before. I gave it a chance this time when I hadn’t before, I really did; but still – nothing. You’re what I need. You to be there for me and support me when I’m like this. We were happy before, weren’t we? We’ll be happy again I can promise you that. I’ll be the boyfriend you deserve. Just please, give me some time. Don’t send me away, please,” he begged, his voice hoarse, as he clasped Gerard’s hand and begged for his freedom.

“Please, Gerard. I love you, don’t send me away again. I’ll never get out of there again if you do, I know it.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Frank began to cry, tears of frustration slipping down his face. “Gerard, please…”

                                                                                                -

Gerard let out his own sigh and made his way over to Frank, slipping his arms around him.

Frank leant into him but stayed quiet, the thought of being sent away again crushing him and draining away all his strength to argue.

Gerard finally pulled away from Frank and took his hand, looking him in the eyes. “I have to do what’s best for you Frankie,” he said sincerely, as Frank cried harder.

“I can’t keep doing this with you, over and over again. You need help. I shouldn’t have let it get this far, but I really wanted to give you a chance but…I don’t know anymore.”

He began to cry himself as Frank leant his forehead on Gerard’s, and let tears drip down his face. Gerard stroked Frank’s hair with one hand and cupped his cheek with the other. “I love you, baby,” he murmured.

Frank didn’t say anything but simply shook his head slightly and leant in closer to Gerard, whimpering.

"I just don't know what to do," ended Gerard.

                                                                                                -

Hours later they were wrapped in each other’s arms in bed, Frank lying down on Gerard’s chest listening to his heart beating; Gerard stroking his hair.

After Frank had calmed down, Gerard wanted to make him feel better, so had kissed him and because Frank was seeking comfort and safety in Gerard, they ended up sleeping together.

                                                                                                -

They were laying comfortably, Frank’s eyes fluttering open and closed, as he stroked Gerard’s chest. 

“You won’t send me away will you, Gee?” Frank asked, sounding tired and contented but still worried.

Gerard hadn’t quite decided what to do yet, but the initial terror of what was going on with Frank had lessened slightly, knowing he was laying safely in his arms.

He was also feeling comforted by the fact that Evan knew what was happening and had resolved to help him.

Maybe they could sort this out together, and if that didn’t work, well then, more drastic action would have to be taken. He decided not to make any decisions just yet and just simply answered “I’m gonna look after you, sweetheart. I’ll do anything.”

Frank sighed, satisfied with the answer for the moment and leant in closer to Gerard.

                                                                                                -

They were laying sleepily like that when they heard the front door being unlocked, and footsteps around the apartment.

Gerard and Frank froze as they heard Lindsey’s voice ring out throughout the apartment.

“Hey Gerard, I hope you don’t mind me letting myself into the apartment, it’s just I still had my key and I needed to talk to you…Wait, where are you?” she called, as the noise of her opening and closing doors hit Gerard and Frank.

                                                                                                -

They shot up, and looked at each other, frozen in fear as the door opened and Lindsey walked inside, her heavily pregnant stomach straining against her t shirt.

She stared at the boys in total disbelief and shock before stuttering “ _What the fuck_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter! Please comment for more updates!


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven

Time seemed to stop as the three looked at each other.

The keys Lindsey was holding crashed to the ground as she clamped a hand over her mouth, her eyes bulging in surprise.

Gerard’s grip around Frank’s waist tightened, in preparation for the oncoming fight; his heart hammering against Frank’s back.

The apartment was silent as Lindsey stared at the couple, Gerard and Frank staring back.

“I’ll ask again,” said Lindsey, her voice cold and angry but unwavering. “ _What the fuck?”_

                                                                                                -

Gerard stared at her, light a deer caught in headlights. He was caught, after all; caught with his biggest secret of all, and by the worst person possible at that.

Underneath the covers, Frank squeezed his hand, but still it didn’t give him courage to speak.

He tried at least, opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish but still no words came out. He was absolutely speechless, which was pretty inconvenient as he knew he’d need a lot of help to talk his way out of this one.  
                                                                                                -

Lindsey seemed to quickly recover from the initial shock and stood with one hand on her hip, and the other slightly touching her stomach as if to protect the baby inside it. She raised her eyebrows.

“I’m waiting,” she spoke again, looking angrier and more impatient as time went on and she still didn’t get an answer from her ex fiancé.

Gerard just looked at her in shock; grasping at words that failed him.

Lindsey shook her head and laughed bitterly, walking towards Gerard and standing over him. “Well if you’re not going to talk, I will. I’m just going to make my presumptions so you know, stop me if I’m wrong,” she said sarcastically.

“Ok, so, the way it seems to me is, uh well, you’re gay, something you seemed to just realise recently seeing as I’m fucking pregnant. And let’s see, I can only assume you were cheating on me for months, with this child, or some other poor bastard, whilst under the pretence that you were single, you know, totally without a fiancé or a baby on the way. Was that pretty much it?” asked Lindsey spitefully. “Did I hit the nail on the fucking head there, Gerard?”

                                                                                                -

Gerard shifting uncomfortably underneath Lindsey’s icy glare. “Um, well, not quite,” he managed.

Lindsey laughed. “Okay, you know what, I’m just gonna take that as a big fat yes. Jeez, Gerard good timing. But uh, you know what would have been even better? If you had waited to throw this big sexual revelation on me in the delivery room whilst I was having our baby? Wouldn’t that have been fun? Or better yet, while we were at the altar on our fucking wedding day? What a ball that would have been!” Lindsey laughed sarcastically, throwing her head back in fake hysterics. “Jesus Christ, Gerard, how long were you going to let this go on for? Like what, were you gonna come to the hospital when I had the baby and hold my hand and cuddle our kid, and then go home and fuck your boyfriend? Well thank fucking god we broke up anyway, at least you were nice enough to do that to me. At least you didn’t let me get married to you and the carry on cheating on me until I walked in on you and your little boyfriend fucking one day and discovered you’re gay for myself.”

“I’m not gay,” Gerard managed to stutter out. “…It’s just Frank,” he said, squeezing his hand.

Lindsey looked interested. “Frank, eh? So he has a name. How old is he anyway; he looks like a pre-schooler,” commented Lindsey, ignoring Frank completely.

                                                                                                                -

Frank hated the way Lindsey was attacking Gerard.

Yes, he had done something wrong and it was horrible; he didn’t expect her to be forgiving. But still, it wasn’t like he and Gerard were going behind her back anymore; they had broken up months ago. And besides, when they started the relationship, he didn’t even know Gerard was engaged to another woman so it wasn't exactly his fault either.

Frank decided to cut in and defend Gerard. “I’m eighteen actually, so not exactly of preschool age, thanks very much,” he replied, his face flaring red as he felt Lindsey’s cutting eyes upon him.

Lindsey scrutinized Frank’s face for a few seconds, scrutinizing his features, before practically waving him away in disinterest and focusing back on her ex fiancé. “Eighteen, Gerard? Wow, you’ve hit a new low. He’s practically still in nappies.”

Gerard rolled his eyes. “Oh grow up, Lindsey; he’s just a few years younger than us.”

Lindsey laughed in disbelief. “Oh, sorry, what? You’re telling me to grow up; like I’m being unreasonable for being upset after I find my fiancé in bed with another person, a guy in fact?!”

“We’re not engaged anymore!” shouted Gerard. “So just get over it, okay?”

Frank could have killed Gerard for the way he was acting. They weren't exactly in a position to piss Lindsey off right now, but off course he seemed to forget that.

Lindsey ignored Gerard. “So where did you pick him up? On the side of the road; working his corner? Outside the local middle school?”

                                                                                                -

At this stage Frank had had enough. He’d already had a horrible day, never mind a horrible week, and now his boyfriend’s ex had suddenly stormed into their apartment and was ripping their relationship to shreds, comparing him to a hooker, as well as a twelve-year-old middle schooler.

And instead of defending his boyfriend, Gerard was barely saying anything.

It was almost as if he was afraid of Lindsey and the power she held over him.

Then Frank realised; Linsey did hold power over Gerard; and it was in the form of the baby she was carrying that was Gerard’s as well as hers.

They were connected in that way, and Frank could never rival that. Lindsey was always going to be in their life.

Suddenly he felt sick. He had to get out of there.

                                                                                                -

Frank leant over and grabbed his clothes from beside the bed and detached himself from Gerard’s grip, pretending he didn’t feel Gerard’s worried eyes against the back of his head.

“You know what; I need to get out of here. I’ll leave you two to talk,” he announced to no one in particular.

“Frank-” called Gerard, but Frank ignored him and went to get out of the bed, well aware of the fact that he was wearing only boxers but not quite registering why that might have been a problem.

The covers slid away from his body as he stood up to slip on his jeans; however, a sharp gasp from both Gerard and Lindsey’s directions caused him to look up in confusion.

He looked down and realised what had made the two so shocked.

Not only were his thighs still covered in bandages from earlier that day, but their rough sex had caused the majority of cuts to open, and blood had soaked the bandages, causing him to look like he’d been a victim of an attempted murder.

He cast a glance to the bed where sure enough, the sheets were also soaked in blood.

He shot another look to Lindsey who was covering her mouth in shock and slightly backing away from the bedroom.

In a split second, Frank realised why she was so shocked. His legs had revealed the biggest part of their secret. After all, no sane person bludgeons their own legs.

                                                                                                -

Lindsey pointed at Frank’s legs and stared back at Gerard, disgust not only evident on her face, but now also fear.

“You…You…Oh, wow; oh, fuck. This isn’t just some random kid, is it Gerard? This is one of your kids, isn’t it? One of the kids that goes to you for therapy, isn’t it?”

When Gerard didn’t answer, she screamed in frustration. “Isn't it? Answer me!”

Gerard could only stare down at the sheets and nod, knowing everything was about to crash down around them. “You’re sick,” Lindsey whispered, looking horrified. For the first time since she had entered the room, tears began to gather in her eyes. She pointed a painted fingernail at him. “You’re sick, Gerard. This is disgusting; this is the worst thing you could have ever done.”

“Lindsey, it’s not like that,” replied Gerard. “You’ve got to believe me.”

Lindsey shook her head furiously. “Are you kidding me right now? No, no, Gerard. I will not listen to you, or try and believe whatever stupid story you happen to come up with. You’re going to listen to me, okay? This is horrific, Gerard. You’re abusing your power over these kids in the worst way possible. They come to you for help and you’re totally taking advantage of that. These kids trust you, and look up to you and…Wow, no. I honestly can’t even believe this." she ran her hands through her long black hair, looking traumatised.

"These kids…They aren’t well; they’re sick, that’s what makes this even worse. Here was I thinking you were just fucking some kid on the rebound, but this, this is something else. You’re preying on the weak minded Gerard. You’re a pervert.”

Gerard rushed up to Lindsey and stood in front of her, ready to beg her to believe him, his voice breaking as he desperately tried to explain. “Lindsey, stop, please stop; you’re getting ahead of yourself," he cried. "I’m not a pervert, I’m nothing like that. I love Frank. Just him. I love him more than I’m ever loved anyone.”

Lindsey flinched at that but didn’t speak; her eyes glazed over as if she was in a trance, shaking. Frank joined Gerard and took his hand, facing Lindsey too.  


“Lindsey, please,” started Gerard again. “I love Frank and he loves me. I’m not some crazy pervert, preying on all the kids I see. I’ve only ever loved Frank.”

Frank nodded vigorously.

Sadly, by this stage Lindsey was past reason. Tears were running down her cheeks and she was visibly shaking. Suddenly she seemed to break out of her thoughts and snapped her eyes up to meet Gerard’s.

“You’re disgusting,” she whispered viscously and before they could stop her, she was digging her mobile phone out of her pocket. “I won’t let this go on any longer,” she said with resolution and dialled three quick numbers.

Frank and Gerard listened, frozen in horror, as the voice on the other line spoke. “ _911, what is your emergency?”_

Lindsey swallowed before answering coldly. “I’d like to report a crime."

                                                                                                -

Hours later, Gerard was chained to a cold metal desk in one of the many interview rooms of Belleville police station.

His wrists were red and partly cut open, but no matter how much he complained, he couldn’t get anyone to undo the handcuffs that contained him, much less to loosen them.

It seemed no one took too kindly to prisoners accused to underage sex, much less with what they deemed to be mentally ill kids like Frank.

                                                                                                -

Gerard had lost track of time as the hours has ticked by; with no watch and no sign of a clock in the small room, what seemed to be endless time was slipping by him.

His throat was raw from talking and at times, shouting, even screaming in anger and frustration as officers fired question after question at him, but never seemed to really listen to his answers.

At the moment they were taking a break; the officers interrogating Gerard had gone to get coffee, leaving him to rest his head on the cold metal desk and sigh, all his hope slowly draining away.

He was tired, not to mention terrified. He missed Frank. He was terrified about what they were saying to him, doing to him.

Gerard knew Frank loved him as much as he loved him, and he was certain he would tell that to the officers that were surely questioning him too.

However, he couldn’t help but worry. He didn’t doubt Frank, or worry about what Frank thought of their relationship.

Gerard knew that Frank knew he loved him. However, he was scared that the officers, with their intimidating stares and harsh way of putting things, would somehow convince Frank otherwise; convince him that Gerard never loved him and was simply using him for sex, for his own perverted needs.

Gerard was scared that Frank would suddenly start believing he was the victim in all of this, instead of one half of a loving relationship.

He was worried, above all else, that when he finally saw Frank, if he ever did, Frank would be cold towards him; shun him, believing all the lies he had been fed.

                                                                                                -

Alone in the dark room with no concept of time, Gerard also worried for Frank’s heath.

He didn’t know whether it was still day, or if it had slowly crept into the night.

If it was the latter, Frank would need to take his pills for the night, or else he’d become agitated or aggravated, and more susceptible to believe the things he would probably be told.

That was if that hadn't happened already, considering he had been unmedicated for so long.

Frank hadn’t been well lately, and this ordeal was surely not helping that.

Gerard just wanted to get him home, make sure he was okay and remind him how much he was loved and how no one could break them, not Lindsey, not the police, not anyone.

However, as the night seemed to stretch out in front of him, the idea of seeing Frank soon really didn’t seem like it would be a possibility.

Gerard’s head raced as his heart sunk.

Maybe he’d be arrested, properly arrested for Lindsey’s accusations.

Maybe he’d face a trial, go to jail and be separated from Frankie for years on end.

What would happen to him then?

He couldn’t survive without Frank and he knew Frank felt the same.

They’d often talked about the possibility of being separated in some way before all this had happened.

Frank had firmly stated he’d rather die than live without Gerard.

At the time, Gerard had been alarmed, if not honoured by his heartfelt declaration, but now he couldn’t imagine doing anything but the same himself.

                                                                                                -

Gerard wasn’t left to worry or reminisce for much longer though, as just then the door banged open and a new police officer stepped inside, and sat down at the desk, placing a cup of coffee in front of Gerard as well as taking a sip from his own.

Gerard lifted his head to acknowledge the man and almost did a double take when he recognised the officer.

It was the officer from the night that Frank had tried to kill himself for the second time; the one that had pulled him away from the tracks before he was about to step in front of the oncoming train.

Gerard didn’t know why he was so surprised; there were only a limited amount of police officers in New Jersey so he was bound to see the same ones from time to time.

Gerard had been so grateful to the team that helped to save his Frankie that night, especially the one sitting right in front of him. He had even taken him to dinner one night to say thanks and they had chatted, laughed even.

They had had a good time. But now, sitting in front of him, the officer whose name Gerard had learnt was John, looked intimidating and unwelcoming.

Gerard also knew that John knowing what Frank had done that night, wouldn’t do them both any favours. Frank would look crazy and unstable and Gerard would look even sicker for wanting to be with him.

                                                                                                -

John cleared his throat as Gerard eyed him over the coffee cup. “Mr Way.”

“Officer.” All niceties had gone.

The officer got straight down to business.

“Now, I know you must have gone over this at least a hundred times tonight, but I want you to tell me once more exactly what’s been going on between you and Mr Iero. Now, your fiancée, Ms Ballato says-“

Gerard could have screamed in frustration. “She’s not my fiancée!" he interrupted. "I don’t care what she says; we haven’t been together for months now.”

John sent Gerard a severe look. “If you’d just let me finish.”

Gerard blushed slightly, embarrassed by the officer’s gaze. “Sorry.” John nodded. “Now, as I was saying, Ms Ballato maintains that she is still your fiancée and the child she is pregnant with is yours.”

“That’s true,” interjected Gerard. “That the baby is mine. She got pregnant a month or so before we broke up. But we are not still engaged. I don’t know why she would say that. I mean, she probably feels betrayed, understandably so, but no, we’re definitely not together.”

The officer nodded. “Is there anyone who could confirm this? Aside from Mr Iero that is.”  


“Yes, yes,” Gerard said, nodding eagerly. “My brother, Mikey.”

The officer ripped a piece of paper from his pad along with a pen and slid them both across the table to Gerard. “Write his number on this.”

Gerard scrawled Mickey’s name and number on the paper with difficulty and slid it back. The officer looked at the piece of paper, nodded and got up from the chair and left the room.

Gerard waited, knowing he would be practically gnawing his nails away right now if his hands were free.

Several minutes later, John entered the room again and sat back down opposite Gerard. “It seems, although shocked at being awaken with the news that you've been arrested, your brother is backing up everything you’ve been saying about Ms Ballato. He says you haven’t been engaged for several months.”

Gerard could have jumped for joy. “Yes, exactly! See, she’s lying, you can’t trust her! Please believe me, this is obviously some indication that she’s over exaggerating or just upset or-“

“Mr Way,” interrupted the officer. “Ms Ballato ‘ _over exaggerating’_ your relationship does not excuse your actions. You still slept with an underage child-“

Gerard wanted to scream. He had explained over and over again that he hadn’t slept with Frank until he was eighteen, but everyone seemed to overlook that fact.

“No!” said Gerard exasperatedly. “I didn’t sleep with him until he turned eighteen. He wanted to do it beforehand but I knew it wouldn’t be right, wouldn’t be fair.”

“What you mean is; you knew there would be less chance of you being prosecuted if you waited until Mr Iero turned eighteen. So you planned this in advance? You wanted to save your ass, didn’t you?” the officer asked.

“No! I didn’t plan anything! Please, just let me explain things in my own words, you’re not getting the full story like this, just asking me questions and having me answer them," pleaded Gerard.

The officer sat back in his seat and looked at Gerard. “Fine; go ahead. Explain.”

Gerard sighed in relief, hoping the police would start to see things from his side of the story now. It wasn’t likely but a guy could dream. Gerard took a deep breath, knowing this would probably be his only chance to explain himself. He wanted to get it right.

                                                                                                -

“I first met Frank in late spring this year. He came into the hospital I worked at, after he purposely drove his car into a brick wall. I wanted him to be admitted, I mean he obviously wasn't well, but he begged me to let him go. He asked if he could come to therapy every week instead, as a sort of compromise. He seemed to be making progress after a while, but after he attempted suicide twice more, he was taken to Belleville psych unit. I was asked to work as his psychiatrist there. I was still with Lindsey at this time. She was pregnant. But one day, we, Frank and I, we kissed. We started a relationship, and I broke off my engagement with Lindsey. We first slept together on Frank’s eighteenth birthday. He was staying at my house that night on an overnight visit from the hospital. Normally he would have spent the night with a relative, but Frank doesn’t really have many of those left, at least not any that want to see him anyway…”

“…Anyway, that was the first and only time we slept together until he was released from the hospital and was living at my house. I know he was under my care and he’s not in the best state of mind right now; I know I shouldn't have done it, but you’ve got to believe me when I say this; I love Frank. I’ve loved him for months. Never have I ever acted this way towards any of the other kids that came to me for therapy, nor any of the other kids at the hospital where I work. Believe me, when I first started to have feelings for Frank, I tried to fight it as much as possible; I didn’t even want to admit it to myself. But when I discovered he felt the same…We’re meant to be together, regardless of age. Let’s face it, if I was any other twenty-two-year-old and I slept with an eighteen year old, it wouldn’t matter.”

“It’s not the fact that Mr Iero is eighteen that matters, Mr Way. It’s the power you held over him through your position that matters; it’s the possibility that you slept with him before he turned eighteen, meaning you assaulted him, meaning you could be charged with statutory rape. It’s the possibility that you could have had relations like this with some of the other underage children you worked with.”

“How many times do I have to tell you?” asked Gerard, on the verge of tears from constantly explaining his side of the story, and still having no one he talked to believe him.

Even though he knew the truth, he was beginning to feel dirty, like he was a pervert who had used Frank, instead of a person who had simply fallen in love with another under the wrong circumstances.

He didn’t want to be on the news or go down in history as a criminal; be put on some list alongside actual rapists and molesters, condemning him to a life unable to work with kids, constantly monitored by police, and accused of crimes whenever something was slightly amiss where he lived or where he worked.

He didn’t want to be persecuted for loving someone.

“It’s only ever been Frank. I’ve never even thought of the other kids who come to me for therapy in that way. I would never, ever hurt someone, much less assault them. I’d never touch someone without their permission. I fell in love with Frank, and he fell in love with me, that’s all; simple as that. Granted, it was under pretty awkward circumstances. And yeah, maybe we should have just walked away from each other, and never gone about a relationship. But by the time that we did start a relationship, we were totally and utterly in love with each other. I couldn’t walk away from someone I loved, and I wouldn’t want to.”

                                                                                                -

The two sat in total silence for a minute or so, Gerard fidgeting under the officer’s gaze. Gerard knew he was thinking about everything he had said, along with everything Frank had said, and wondering if perhaps Gerard was telling the truth.

Surely if Frank was backing up everything Gerard was saying in his own interview room, that should be it, over and done with. But Gerard knew things were never that simple.

Even if they were in love, there was still the fact that Gerard had carried out a relationship with one of his patients.

He knew that that alone would finish him.

He would never be trusted in his field again, that was for sure.

He would definitely be fired. He could kiss psychiatry goodbye.

He would be resigned to working in McDonalds for the rest of his life, prosecuted or not.

The hospital would spread word about his relationship with Frank; he’d never be hired by another hospital again.

The same went for working as an independent psychiatrist; no one would want to go to him.

His family would shun him.

He doubted he’d even be able to visit his baby once it was born.

The birth was supposed to be any day now. Maybe he’d miss it, rotting away in prison instead of being there for Lindsey, holding her hand like they’d planned even after they’d split up.

Maybe he’d spend the majority of his life in prison if he was convicted, missing all important events like first words, first steps, first birthdays, first day of school.

Maybe he’d return to New Jersey to a teenage or adult daughter with a wrinkled mother; a daughter who utterly refused to see him after being fed horrid, over exaggerated lies by her mother her entire life. Gerard’s heart sank at the thought of it.

Being fired, having a bad reputation; that was something he’d get over eventually. It’d be hard admittedly. But losing his baby, as well as Frank, now that was unthinkable.

”What has Frank been saying?” asked Gerard suddenly, not willing to last any longer without any news of his love.

The officer looked at him for several seconds before sighing. “Much the same.”

“If he’s saying the same, that he loves me too, can’t you just let me go?”

The police officer shook his head. “We still have to investigate further into this; ask your friends, family, co-workers about this. We have to go to the hospital, interview everyone you’ve worked with, all the patients that are there right now, or were there the entire time you’ve been working there, see if they have anything to say about you. Also, we need a list of all the people you saw whilst working as an independent therapist.”

He ripped another piece of paper from his now slightly thinner pad and slid in across the desk to Gerard along with a pen. “List them here; names and addresses.”

A few minutes passed as Gerard reluctantly scrawled the names in his barely legible doctor’s handwriting.

When he was finished, he slid the paper back along the desk.

The officer picked it up and left the room without looking at Gerard.

                                                                                                -

How long he left for, Gerard didn’t know. He seemed to have been gone for hours.

Gerard was restless, continuously tapping his foot against the cold hard ground of the interview room, tired but unable to sleep.

He closed his eyes as he leant his head against the cold, metallic table, deciding he'd at least try to escape this horror, if only for a few minutes.

                                                                                                -

He was jolted awake several minutes later by the officer banging his way back into the room and sitting back down beside Gerard, who raised his head expectantly.

He wasn’t quite sure what he was expecting though. Anything was enough at this stage.

The officer leaned in, looking pretty annoyed at the news that he was about to break to Gerard.

“Here’s the thing, Gerard. We can’t hold someone for more than twenty-four hours. If we did, we’d be breaking the laws ourselves. It turns out everything we need to find out is going to take a lot longer that we first thought. You are by no means being let go though. At the moment, we’re gathering evidence. That’s going to take us much longer than twenty-four hours, it could take several days. We have the majority of our team working on this case right now. It’s top priority. We obviously don’t take too kindly to underage sex whilst being in a position of power, in love or not. And seeing as we technically can’t charge you with anything right now, due to lack of evidence, we have to release you on bail.”

“…Your family members have been contacted and it’s up to them if they’d like to pay the bail and have you stay at their house whilst we investigate you. But even if they do pay the bail and you get out of here tonight, don’t for one second,” sneered the officer, pointing his finger at Gerard angrily, “think you’re getting away with this. You can spout all this bullshit about being in love with Mr Iero, but let me tell you this – I don’t believe it for one second, and you won’t find many other people who do. Once Frank realises just how serious this all is, once we break him out of this spell you seem to have put on him, then he’ll confess. He’ll reveal everything you’ve been denying and then, that’ll be it for you Gerard. You’re going down for this.”

                                                                                                -

Once the officer finished his rant, he left the room, looking like he wanted to spit on Gerard as he went.

Gerard felt close to tears but was too exhausted to cry. Instead he rested his head on the desk and almost instantly fell asleep, his dreams restless and filled with images of Frank.

                                                                                                -

Hours later he was awoken by hands undoing his handcuffs and pulling his to his feet.

He was pulled out of the dark room and into the blinding lights of the lobby, the bright light almost burning his eyes.

There, with his bony ass perched on the end of a plastic chair and anxiously biting his nails, sat Mikey.

Realising Mikey had paid his bail; Gerard wanted to cry for joy. He could always rely on his younger brother to help him.

Gerard hadn’t been happier to see Mikey since the time he was nine and thought it’d be fun to climb up the highest tree in the park, but had gotten stuck.

Stuck up there for what seemed like hours, Gerard had been happier than ever to see his younger baby brother, who had stood there, his eyes wide and staring and his thumb firmly stuck in his mouth, who promptly ran off to fetch their mother per his instructions.

Their mother had been angry with Gerard but the whole affair had been quickly made better by her comforting touch and soothing voice. However, Gerard knew things would not be so easily solved this time. He was much too old for crawling into his mother's arms and hiding there until everything blew over.

                                                                                                -

Seeing Gerard, Mikey immediately stood up and walked stiffly towards him.

Gerard’s heart sank.

Mikey always had a hold on his emotions, something which often made him seem emotionless, but Gerard always knew what he was thinking.

It was something other friends and family members thought weird, but it was something which only made the brothers closer.

Gerard instantly knew Mikey was angry, furious even and understandably so.

He knew an argument was brewing. Mikey stiffly rejected Gerard’s attempt to hug him, which made Gerard's heart sink even lower.

“Let’s go,” muttered Mikey angrily, still refusing to look Gerard in the eyes.

“We’ll be in contact soon,” commented an officer as the pair walked past.

“Wait,” Gerard said, catching Mikey’s arm to stop him. “What about Frankie? If I’m being released on bail, what’s happening to him?”

The officer looked at him like he was a piece of dirt on his shoe before answering. “He’s been sent back to the hospital.”

Gerard was stunned. “What? What? Why? He was released; they said he was okay to leave.”

The officer looked bored of the conversation. “But that was when you were his doctor,” he stated as if it was obvious. “We’ve contacted the hospital, and they’ve agreed to take him back; said that him being released is invalid considering that he was released whilst you were his doctor. Any ‘ _progress_ ’ he made, is now under review. It’s being speculated that maybe he wasn’t ready, that you just wanted him released so it’d be easier for you to have access to him. And if the scars on his arms and the fresh cuts on his legs are anything to go by, they’re right.”

Gerard’s heart was in his mouth. The fact that Frank was going to be sent back to the hospital he so dearly hated, just because relationship had been found out, horrified him.

“How long for?” Please say it’s just whilst the case is under review, he thought in his head.

“For the foreseeable future,” answered the officer. “Could be months.”

“But why?” asked Gerard, wanting to wail. “He was allowed to go!”

“But that was before we found about his relationship with you. Now everything is invalid. It’s like he’s starting his sentence, if you will, all over again, as if you’d never even been his doctor," the officer stated coldly.

“Being in love with someone doesn’t compromise how I would treat them!” Gerard shouted. “I may have been Frank’s boyfriend but above all that, I was still his doctor. I would never have let him be released if I didn’t think he was ready. Taking our relationship out on Frank is totally unfair! He hated it there, he won’t survive without me!”

John, the officer who Gerard had been speaking to earlier, stepped out from a doorway having obviously been listening. “You should have thought of that before Mr Way,” he commented. “But I can promise you this, Frank Iero will be back in the psych ward before the hour, and you will be rotting away in jail before the end of the week. And above all, you will never see Frank Iero again, I promise you that. Oh, and by the way, you’ve been fired from the hospital. Now get out of my sight.”

                                                                                                -

Gerard let Mikey drag him away, speechless. They got into the car and drove home in silence.

“Mikey-“ tried Gerard.

Mikey shot him a murderous look. “Don’t even try, Gerard. Do you have any idea what kind of a day I’ve had? I was in there for over an hour before I collected you; they were interrogating me for what seemed like hours, trying to get all the information I had out of me. When they found out I knew about the two of you, that was it, they’d immediately labelled me as an accomplice, thought I’d helped you lure Frank, accused me of everything. They want to speak to me again tomorrow so that’s another few hours of interrogating gone, getting my reputation dragged through the mud, upsetting Alicia, scaring mom and dad to death. So fuck you, Gerard, don’t even try to apologise for your mistakes this time. Do you have any idea what you've done? Just because you couldn't keep it in your pants. You're disgusting,” muttered Mikey, before staring stony eyed out of the windscreen.

                                                                                                -

They spent the rest of the car ride in silence, before pulling into the drive and seeing a teary eyed Alicia waiting at the front door.

Mikey rushed to her and held her, wiping away her tears and whispering comforting words in her ear.

They walked inside together and shut the door without even glancing at Gerard, leaving him outside in the cold.

He stood outside, feeling disconnected from his once loving family. Not even Mikey’s dog, Piglet, swimming round his ankles and barking, when he finally went inside could cheer him up.

                                                                                                -

In one evening, he had lost everything; his job, his reputation, the respect and trust of his family, the love of his life.

He didn’t know if he’d ever even see Frank again if John’s promise had been anything to go by.

With a feeling of complete and utter depression and resignation in his stomach, he made his way over to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of Mikey’s beer, telling himself if his life was in such a mess already, why not fuck it up a little bit more?

At least this would be by his own doing.

Besides, why should he try and recover from his drinking problems when there was no one to be better for?

Mikey and Alicia ignored him the whole night and so he was left alone on the downstairs couch to drink himself into an alcohol induced coma.

Mikey and Alicia found him in the morning, an empty bottle of whiskey clutched in his hand and Piglet licking his face, still half asleep but mumbling Frank’s name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love it if you guys commented on this chapter :)  
> This is the second last chapter btw :)


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight

Frank and Gerard had been separated on a Friday.

It was now Wednesday and Gerard was going crazy without Frank.

He had been staying at Mikey’s house for the few days since he’d been released from the police station.

No matter how often he tried to talk to Mikey or Alicia, he wasn’t getting anywhere.

No matter how often he tried to explain, they would ignore him, leaving only Piglet for company.

He had even tried to beg for forgiveness, thinking that would earn him their attention, even though he didn’t particularly think he needed to apologise.

Yet his apologies were futile anyway, as neither Mikey nor Alicia seemed to take heed of a thing he was saying.

                                                                                                -

They had let him exist in their house, but only as a stranger.

Gerard could sleep on their couch, but he wasn’t provided with meals, Mikey hadn’t leant him any fresh clothes, and he was ignored at all costs.

The house was lonely during the day, as both Mikey and Alicia were out at work, Mikey working in the record store Gerard and Frank had so often visited him at, and Alicia as a receptionist at the building Gerard had worked at.

At night they would often go out with friends to avoid being in the same house as Gerard, leaving him waiting up for them until the early hours of the morning, only to be greeted with a disgusted look and a “You shouldn’t have waited up,” before disappearing up the stairs once again.

Other times they would stay in at night, but avoid the sitting room where Gerard was staying, like the plague.

                                                                                                -

All in all, Gerard was lonely.

He wished he could go back to stay at his house whilst the police were working the case out, but during the one instance he had tried to leave, and on one of the rare occasions that his brother had actually spoken to him, he had been told by Mikey that staying with a relative was a condition of his bail.

So there it was; he was stuck.

He had spent the past few days hopeless, spending most of the day curled up in a ball on the sofa, desperately missing Frank’s touch so much that it brought him to tears.

He spent the night in a liquid coma, often falling asleep clutching a bottle to his chest and wishing it was Frank and feeling more alone than ever.

He missed his boyfriend more than he ever thought was possible.

It was what he focused on, more often than worrying about his own fate which was currently in the hands of the police.

It felt more of an afterthought, something that mattered but was not overly important.

For Gerard, everything was second choice when it came to Frank, and this was no exception.

                                                                                                -

What made Gerard feel even worse was that both Mikey and Alicia were both often brought in for questioning, both leaving him alone house for hours on end, but more importantly, upsetting them both.

Gerard loved his brother and his girlfriend more than a lot of other people in his life, and although it seemed like they really hated him right now, he hated to see them come home, Alicia in tears and Mikey with his arm around her, smouldering in anger.

Gerard hated to think of what the police were saying about him, what they must think of him, and more importantly, what Alicia and Mikey must think of him now.

The worst part of this was not knowing, as well as watching his close relationship with his brother slowly slip away as he was accused of horrors he would never even consider.

By this stage, the whole family knew of Gerard’s escapades, and often the whole house would be alive with the sound of the phone ringing, often late into the night, with estranged relatives calling to ask “Is it true? Is it true what Gerard did?”

Gerard coped with this by downing some alcohol, and noticing that Mikey didn’t care at all to stop him; even though he knew how hard he had struggled, downing some more.

While all of this was going on around him, Gerard spent the days moping; his days only broken by regular trips to the station where he was questioned or rather screamed at by investigating officers.

                                                                                                -

Today was one of those days.

Gerard was lying on the sofa, staring at the ceiling and thinking about the time he and Frank had fed the swans at the local park.

One of them had decided he wanted more than bread, and chased them both for what felt like more than a mile until they accidentally dropped all the bread and the rather large swan had decided that was close enough and let them escape.

Gerard was smiling at the memory, but no sooner had he smiled, he wanted to cry. He missed Frank more than anything and at the stage, he honestly didn’t think he’d ever get to see him again. The thought of this was enough to make him want to die, and at this, the familiar feeling of depression began to wash over him.

It had been getting worse recently.

He used to be able to keep a lid on his feelings; Frank was more important, he needed to focus on his feelings and his depression.

But now Frank was gone and Gerard was left to mope, over analyse and basically just tear down all the progress he had made over the past year or so.

Today was no exception. He just wanted to wallow in self-pity.

Unfortunately, Mikey was not about to let that happen yet again. He loomed over his brother, snapping Gerard out of his reverie with a fright. “Jeez,” jumped Gerard, “what the hell, Mikey?”

“Get up,” was Mikey’s only response. “What?” questioned Gerard, quizzically.

Mikey hadn’t spoken to him for days and now he was suddenly giving him orders.

“You heard me,” insisted Mikey. “I said get up. You’ve been moping around this house for way too long and it’s really starting to piss me off. I wouldn’t be surprised if the couch has grooves in it from your butt!”

Gerard scoffed. “Okay, and what do you expect me to do?” he asked sarcastically. Mikey laughed, annoyed, “Like you don’t know. The hospital have been calling for days now, they need you to pick up all your stuff so they can clear out your office for your replacement. They said if you don’t come today, they’re just gonna throw your stuff out. So come on, go pick up your crap.”  


“Wow, Mikey,” groaned Gerard. “Thanks for reminding me and kicking me when I’m down. Couldn’t have put it a bit more softly, no?” asked Gerard who was still on the couch, staring at Mikey.

 “Nope,” answered Mikey. “Now go, go, go,” he said, looking like he was about to push his older brother off the couch if he didn’t at least make an attempt to move.

“Fine,” groaned Gerard; getting off the couch with enormous effort. It looked so funny that Mikey almost chuckled.

“Come on,” he said, herding his brother upstairs. “I’ll lend you a shirt. I don’t want everything thinking you turned in a hobo whilst you were gone.”

Gerard scoffed. “Oh wow, bro. Thanks for your consideration.”

                                                                                                -

Half an hour later when Gerard was changed and deemed clean enough by Mikey to leave, he was once again herded out by his younger brother.

“You sure I should go? You sure they’re not going to realise their mistake and hire me again?” joked Gerard.

Mikey smirked, tossed his brother the car keys and shut the door in his face. “I really doubt that.”

                                                                                                -

Gerard’s drive to his once work place was quick, yet Gerard was wracked with horrid thoughts about how this would be the last time he would ever drive to work, the last time he would ever see his co-workers.

Yet at the same time he knew this was not really the same, it wasn’t like he was transferring to work at another hospital, or leaving for another job.

He had been kicked out, fired, and he knew the co-workers he might meet would treat him only with disdain.

Mostly, Gerard wondered about Frank.

                                                                                                -

He wondered if Frank was there, if he would be able to see him.

More than likely Gerard knew Frank would be, especially with the police officers warning that he'd have Frank in there by the end of the week.

Yet Gerard also knew that if Frank was there, he’d be prevented from seeing him at all costs. He had wanted to come to the hospital days ago and try and visit him, but he knew it would only piss off the officers working his case and get himself into trouble.

As Gerard pulled into the parking lot, he resolved to quickly grab his stuff and leave, instead of waiting around to see Frank, accidentally causing trouble and getting unnecessary attention.

                                                                                                -

Gerard walked into the hospital and immediately walked into chaos.

Everyone was rushing around, clearly panicked, shouting to each other in desperate tones and dashing in and out of rooms.

Clearly they were looking for someone and Gerard’s suspicions were confirmed when orderlies called out to each other, worriedly stating “ _He’s not in here,” “No, he’s not in here either.”_

“Damn it,” one of the orderlies sighed to the other, looking pretty beaten down and hopeless as he leant up against the wall, tired from searching. “We’ve looked everywhere. Where could he be?” The other shook his head, looking just as exhausted as the other.

Clearly they had been looking for this missing person for quite a while.

“I don’t know, man,” resolved the first, “But we’ve got to find him soon or we’re gonna be in a fuck load of trouble. Let’s go check some of the rooms on this floor again, he might be moving around. Becky and Sally are checking upstairs; if he’s not down here, we’ll go help them look there.” The orderly nodded and the two sloped off down the hall together, back on their search, having not noticed Gerard at all.

Gerard briefly considered helping them look for this missing kid, but decided against it, knowing it wasn’t his business anymore. He continued to his office with resolve and gripped the door handle.

                                                                                                -

Stepping inside, he felt a sort of relief wash over him, sort of like he could breathe again.

This was his office after all, his own little corner of the hospital.

It was his, at least for a few more minutes anyway.

He decided to take a minute to breathe, and to mourn the loss of his job.

However, the relief he had felt only seconds before, quickly evaporated as he looked to the corner of his office and saw the sobbing, drugged up mess that was sat there.  
                                                                                                -

Frank looked like shit.

Like, not the usual _‘I just woke up from a night of drinking and now I’m desperately hung-over, and I feel even worse than I look, if that’s possible'_ bad.

No, this was the kind of bad you look after you’ve had a nervous breakdown, your life has gone to shit and you haven’t been medicated in several days.

Yeah, he looked pretty awful.

His hair was all matted and looked rough, like it hadn’t been brushed for days, and was covering up most of his face, his long fringe covering his eyes.

He was shaking all over, especially his hands which were covered by his long sleeves, and although the material covering Frank’s arms was dark, from where he was standing, Gerard could clearly see spots of blood covering his clothes.

More worrying were the objects surrounding Frank; bottles of vodka Gerard had stashed in his drawers when he started drinking at work, one of which was half empty and clutched in Frank's fist, sharp stationary Gerard suspected Frank had been using for something more than writing letters, and scariest of all, lines of pill bottles Gerard, like all the other doctors, had kept in his office, lined up together in a row.

                                                                                                -

When Gerard had walked in, Frank had been sitting down, backed against the wall, his legs crossed and his head resting on his knees.

Yet when Gerard had opened the door, Frank had jumped and looked up at the noise straight away and his eyes had instantly connected with Gerard’s.

Gerard had really got scared then.

Frank had a crazed look in his bloodshot eyes, like nothing Gerard had ever seen before.

He looked totally out of it, like he was totally off his head and about to go on a murderous rampage and exact revenge on anyone that had ever wronged him.

If he was even able to get up from the floor after the effect the drugs he had clearly been given had on him, that is.

He looked crazed, disconnected, out of it. He had clearly been crying.

                                                                                                -

Gerard was surprised that Frank didn’t rush to see him straight away, yet he was sure Frank actually couldn’t move without falling over at this stage.

Instead Frank stared at him, a tear slowly rolling down his face, and whispered his name, his voice cracking. “Gerard.”

And there he was; Frank was back.

                                                                                                -

Gerard made his way over to Frank with caution, still wary, but slipped beside him, casually sliding Frank’s newly found stationary away, slowly so he wouldn’t notice.

Gerard felt overwhelmed; he just wanted to grab Frank, pull him into his arms and cry and cry, feeling totally relieved that the love of his life was once more right back in front on him, right where he could see him; and although Frank was obviously damaged by their forced separation, that thought itself comforted Gerard. Gerard slipped his hand into Frank’s.

“I missed you so fucking much, babe,” he whispered, his own voice breaking as he tried to keep it together. “You can’t even imagine.”

And then suddenly, there was Frankie, falling into Gerard’s arms, snaking his arms around his waist and sobbing into his chest from utter relief.

The bottle of vodka slipped out of his hands and fell onto its side, the clear, burning liquid splashing onto the floor.

“I missed you too, I missed you so, so, so much, G,” Frank murmured into Gerard's shoulder, in between snivels. “You have no idea. Oh god, Gerard, it was awful,” he sobbed.

“Tell me about it, baby,” asked Gerard, as his stroked his boyfriend’s hair. “Tell me everything.”

Frank looked up at Gerard before burying his head in the crook of his arm and began mumbling into his chest. “Oh god, it was just so horrible. At the police station, after I was taken away from you, they started asking me all these horrible questions about you, about us, asking me all sorts, accusing you of all these horrible things, making me cry. And no matter how often I told them everything, the truth, they wouldn’t believe me, they kept telling me to tell them the truth, Gee, but I was; I was, I swear. But they didn’t believe me; they didn’t believe a thing I said. They didn’t believe me when I told them I loved you, and that you love me. No, they said I was wrong. They said you didn’t love me, you just used me; that we could never love each other. They said our relationship was sick and wrong, and that I’m too young to know what love is. But I’m not, Gee, I’m not. I know what love is. I know because when you feel it, you just know. You just know, okay, and I knew, I knew all those months ago, I knew that I loved you and you loved me, and there was nothing anyone could say or do to change my mind about that. I knew that then and I still know it now, I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything, I promise you I do. I love you more than playing my guitar for hours in the dark until the sun rises, I love you more than coming home to Mama who gets so excited to see me that she cries, I love you more than finding a new book and reading it and reading it until it’s finished and still wanting more. I know what love is, and I know that my love for you is greater than all of those things put together and more over. I knew that when we fell in love, I’d love you forever. Maybe they're the ones that don’t know what love is, because I really doubt they’ve ever felt whatever I feel for you when they don’t even notice that I love you so, so much that it hurts, and that you love me too.”

Gerard couldn’t do anything but hold his love closer and mumble, “I know sweetheart, I know,” in his ear, touched at how much Frank claimed to love him and feeling the exact same thing himself. He knew Frank had more to say though, so he didn’t interrupt him and let him carry on.

“Anyway,” carried on Frankie, snivelling and sniffing as he spoke, “they just kept repeating over and over again that you were a bad man, that you had taken advantage of me, that what we had done together was wrong; explaining it in the simplest of terms that I was a fucking retard, like I was crazy or slow or something, just because I was in the psych ward for a few months. It really fucking pissed me off, and I started to get so fucking angry, I just wanted to see you and they wouldn’t let me; and then I started crying and it was like I couldn’t stop and god, it was so awful. I felt like my brain had just fallen out of my head because I couldn't think of anything logically and I knew I had to stop crying but I just couldn't. All I could think of was you; my head was screaming your name. All I wanted was you to make me feel better, to make it all go away but they said I couldn’t see you, that I would never see you again, that they would make sure of that and that you were going away for a long time. And then they made me get up, said we had to leave right away, but they didn’t tell me where we were going, they just put me in a car and drove, and they wouldn’t answer my questions. I kept asking if we were going to see you but they wouldn’t tell me anything, just kept telling me to calm down and relax and then I started to get really scared cause I knew, I just knew, and I started trying to open the car door so I could get out cause I was so fucking scared, I knew where we were going and I’d have rather have taken my chances on the pitch black road in the middle of the night with cars coming at me from all angles than ever go there again, not after you all promised I’d never ever have to go there again. I kept telling them this, that you promised I wouldn’t have to go there again, back to that prison, and trying to open the door and they all just grabbed me and held me and I couldn’t move and I couldn’t stop crying and my head hurt so much from it all and I just wanted you, Gee, I just wanted you so badly.”

                                                                                                -

He was crying by now, big fat tears rolling down his face as his words became even harder to understand; strung together and each word said more quickly than the word before as if Frank just couldn’t get his words out fast enough and was desperate to convey the pain he had felt over the last few days as quickly as possible, wanting Gerard to understand more than anything and understand right now.

Gerard didn’t have the heart to ask Frank to slow down and so he listened to the boy who was shaking in his arms, trying to keep up with him as he recanted his story of how he came to be in Gerard’s office, pills and alcohol surrounding him.

“We pulled up outside the hospital and I just lost it, something inside me just snapped and I just broke. I started screaming and crying and fighting to get out of their grip, trying to scratch and bite the arms that were holding me as they dragged me inside. It was crazy but I was just desperate to get away, and suddenly it was like I was watching myself, looking completely stark raving mad, but at the same time I couldn’t stop myself because I didn’t even feel like me. I felt like I was watching someone else, and it honestly terrified me. I had totally lost control, because the thought of being away from you, locked up in this hellhole yet again, after I thought I was finally free…It just broke me, and I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted to get away from everything. I knew I needed to calm down, I knew acting that way wasn’t doing me any favours but I just couldn’t stop screaming...After that I can't remember anything, it's all black. They must have sedated me or something cause the next thing I knew I was locked in my old room, and I've been there ever since. The police came to see me a few days ago, to ask me some more questions, but that got me even more upset. I couldn’t handle speaking to them again, having to talk about you but being nowhere near you and not knowing what they were doing to you or saying to you. I’ve just been stuck in my room this whole time, not knowing what’s going on outside, what was happening to you, nothing. It’s been driving me crazy."

"Some orderly must have left my door open this morning and I noticed a few hours ago so I took my chance and snuck in here. I just wanted to be somewhere you had been, even if you weren’t here now. I just needed to be close to you in some way. I thought if I didn’t get away from that room I would have gone stir crazy. Once I got in here I just felt so much calmer, like I was safer. I’ve been in here ever since, I can hear everyone outside but I've been quiet and I guess they just haven’t thought to look in here yet, I mean the place is pretty big. I just needed a place to go and hide, to get a break from everyone out there. But then I found all these pills and all this alcohol and this compass…And well, things got a bit out of hand."

Frank looked towards his blood stained arm and then up at Gerard with regret and apologies in his eyes. “I’m sorry. It’s just…I didn’t think I’d ever see you again and it just made everything so much more unbearable. I should have never-”

“It’s okay,” said Gerard cutting him off as he gripped his hands. “It’s alright, sweetheart. I won’t tell.”

Frank nodded; glad.

“It’s just, this is what I do when I’m scared or stressed or worried and god, all those emotions have been in overdrive lately. I hadn’t seen a something sharp in days, it’s all been kept away from me, so when I saw these, I didn’t even think, I just cut myself like I was on autopilot, as if it was the only logical thing to do. I just kept thinking about what happened the other night and I just couldn’t stop myself…Oh god, it was horrible.”

“What happened the other night?” asked Gerard, worrying about what Frank was about to say. “My mom…She came here to visit me.” said Frank, starting to cry again.

“Oh god, it was just so awful; I had no idea she was even coming, I was just sat in the common room trying to get used to the fact that I was in here again, and then the door opened and a nurse sent her in and I freaked out, I was just too much to handle. I mean, I hadn’t seen her in months, she basically abandoned me when I needed her most, and suddenly she’s in front of me again after not seeing her in over six months, with her newly dyed hair and her new jewellery from her new fucking boyfriend, trying to hug me and touch my face and stroke my hair, telling me how much she’s missed me, like she fucking cares when she doesn’t give a fucking shit. I didn’t want her anywhere near me so I started to bat her away from me and everyone obviously jumped to the same shit conclusions they always jump to and thought I was being aggressive, you know after the other night in the car, so they tried to pull me away from her and then she started shouting at me, saying all these horrible things about me, about you, about how our relationship was wrong and she never thought I’d turn out this way and that she couldn’t believe I was lead so astray. She kept talking about you and how angry she was at you and how if she got close to you again she’d break your neck and how she’s so disappointed in me and what we’ve done disgusts her. She kept looking at me with these fucking pitying eyes that were somehow angry at the same time, and she kept saying ‘I feel sorry for you Frank, I can’t believe this ever happened. Something like this would have never been allowed if you were still living in my house,’ and it made me so fucking mad because we were doing this while I still lived with her, but even if we weren’t she lost her right to comment on my life once she abandoned me without a trace. And I started screaming this at her and they dragged me away and sedated me again and locked me in my room again all on my own. Before the drugs kicked in she came to the door saying how she was sorry but everything she was saying was true and she didn’t want me to hide from the truth…I didn’t care about anything she had to say at that stage, I didn’t care if I never heard another word from her mouth again. But I made myself ask about Mama, you know, my dog, just to put my mind at rest seeing as I didn’t have the chance all this time. And it turns out…”

Frank stopped and shook his head, tears streaming down his face as if it almost pained him to say it.

“…It turns out she fucking gave her away!" he exploded, crying with frustration. "She gave away Mama. Apparently her fucking boyfriend hates dogs and made her. She’s been gone for months now. She sold my baby, the one good fucking thing in my shitty life. I’ve been in my room ever since, locked in and left alone the whole time.”

Frank finished before sobbing again.

                                                                                                -

Gerard was shocked at the news; he never thought Linda was capable of something like that. He understood her role as the angry mother but with how little she had been involved in Frank’s life over the past few months, he didn’t think she had much right to berate her son.

At this stage, both Frank and Gerard felt more like family to each other than Linda did to Frank. And to give away his dog just because her new boyfriend didn’t like them…Well that was unthinkable. But people will do anything for love, Gerard knew that and both him and Frank had proven that in the past.

“Just think,” mused Frank, “In the few months that I’ve been gone, she’s got herself a new boyfriend, changed up her hair, got rid of my dog. It got me thinking, it’s like she was finally able to move on with her life once she got rid of me.” Gerard shook his head. “No, baby-“

“It’s true, Gerard,” interrupted Frank before Gerard could continue. “Don’t say it’s not. And it got me thinking, everyone would be better off without me. Like Christ, how many times have I been in and out of places like this, upsetting my mother, worrying my friends, never even getting better. It’s all just a big waste of everyone’s time and money. And when I’m not in places like this, I’m still miserable, wanting to die and having to hide it from everyone around me so no one worries. And I’m just so sick of it, Gerard; I just can’t live like this any longer. I’ve been trying so hard for so many years and I’m just so tired. I don’t want a life like this anymore, cause it’s not a life, it’s really not. It’s not even an existence, it’s just survival mode gone wrong. I can’t live in survival mode anymore. You don’t know how shit it is to have everybody constantly monitoring your behaviour and worrying about you. And I know you say you love me, and you don’t mind looking out for me, but that’s basically all you’re doing, worrying about me 24/7, always having to watch what you say or do, walking on eggshells. I’m a burden and don’t say I’m not ‘cause I know I am. And all this time, I thought I could handle the pain of this ‘cause I had you, but now…You’re gonna be taken away from me too. You’re gonna go to prison and I’m gonna be locked up in here for months and months and oh god, the thought of it is just so unbearable and I’m so sorry cause it’s all my fault that this is happening to us, I’m so, so sorry," he rambled. "I don’t think I can do this without you; I can't go through this again without you beside me. I know I’m only going to be stuck in here for a few months but that seems like forever. And then that’s only until the next time someone forces me into one of these places again. I feel like this is going to go on for the rest of my life and it's just not worth it, living like this.”

“Frank, no, don’t think like that," cried Gerard. "You’re only eighteen, it’s not like this is gonna last forever, things will get better, I promise you they will."

Frank shook his head. “At this stage, I really don't think they will. People have been saying that to me for years, recycling the same old lines. It's just something happy people say to their depressed friends so they'll shut up and not kill themselves ‘cause it'll make them look bad. What does that even mean anyway? _'Things will get better._ ' I've been depressed and suicidal since I was fifteen. I don't need things to get better anymore, I just need them to be bearable. And I really don't see that happening in the near future. And even if it will happen for me, I’m so tired of waiting for that day. I’ve been like this for three years and when I look back on my life, I can only see the hard times I went through, all the pain, all the nights spent crying and cutting and wanting to die. And when I think to the future, it stretches in front of me and it seems like it’s going to last forever. It’s seems like I’m going to be stuck in the void forever, miserable and hating life and it just seems so pointless. I don’t think I’m going to be able to cope without you. You’re going to be sent away to prison and I might never see you again and it’s killing me; that and the guilt. I just feel so guilty. I feel like I screwed up your entire life and I hate myself for it. I hate myself so much.”

                                                                                                -

Tears started to slide down Frank’s face as he looked at Gerard.

He took a swig from another bottle of vodka beside him and winced at the taste, yet instantly took another as if to drown his thoughts or simply forget his problems.

“I just can’t live anymore, Gerard. I can’t. I can’t stand being this way any longer. The only reason I stayed alive for so long was because I love you so much and I wanted to stick around for you. But now you might be sent away and I’ll be in here, separated from you, and it’s just killing me. I can’t do this anymore, Gerard. I can’t live without you, I really can’t. Things have been so bad for so long and I'm starting to think that things are supposed to be like this, that I'm not supposed to live right now. Maybe I'll be happier in another life or another time but not right now...I think something went wrong along the way and the universe it just trying to gently tell me that I need to get the hell off this planet. ”

                                                                                                -

Gerard’s own eyes welled with tears as he listened to Frank.

He wiped the falling tears from Frank’s face and gripped his hands. “So what are you saying?” he whispered, fearing for Frank’s answer.

Frank turned to Gerard and then looked away, not daring to look him in the eyes as he nodded to the bottles of pills lined up beside them.

“What I'm saying is, I want to die. Hell, I think it'd be best for all of us. My mom would certainly appreciate it. And Gerard, I love you so much, more than anything, you know that. I would do anything to stay with you but we’re not going to be together anymore anyway. So I’m going to do it now. Right now. If I don't, I'll just back out of it and god, I don't want that, not at all. And fuck, I’m going to miss you so much, but I’d rather die than have to live without you. So that’s what I’m going to do. Die, so I don’t have to be without you. Please, please don’t try to stop me. Please don’t tell anyone I’m doing this. Just get your stuff and leave and no one will ever know you were here, you won’t get into trouble. I don’t want to fuck up your life even more. I don’t want you to get the blame for any of this.”

Frank turned away and pretended to busy himself getting the pills together, not wanting to look Gerard in the eyes.

“Maybe you should go. It’ll make this even harder if we say goodbye properly. At least I won’t miss you for too long. I mean, I'm gonna miss you more more than anything for the few minutes I'll be conscious enough to know we're not together anymore. It'll break my heart but the best part is, soon I'll be too drunk to even know," he said, laughing bitterly, pain and regret for how his life turned out evident in his voice.

                                                                                                -

Gerard sat with Frank, holding his quivering hand. He gently took hold of Frank's chin and moved it so Frank was once again looking at him.

Gerard looked into Frank's tear filled eyes as he thought about what his boyfriend was about to do. He knew he couldn’t stop him; he knew there would be no point in trying to talk him out of it either. Frank was stubborn.

Once he’d decided something, that was it. Nothing was going to change his mind.

Gerard knew if he called for help, it wouldn’t take Frank more than a few seconds to swallow the pills and then it would be too late anyway.

If Frank survived, he would never forgive him for betraying his trust.

                                                                                                -

Gerard’s thoughts then turned to his own life.

He thought about what was going to happen to him, how he would probably be sent away to prison, how he would never see Frank again.

He would be kept away from Frank for his entire life, people would make sure of that.

Gerard thought about his reputation, about how his life would never be the same again after, or if, he ever got out of prison, about how he would probably never get another proper job again.

His mind began to race, thinking about how without a job, he’d probably lose his house and end up on the streets.

He thought about Lindsey and how much she must now hate him and how she would probably never let him see their soon to be born baby.

He thought about his family and how they all must despite him now, how ashamed of him they must be. He thought about the way Mikey and Alicia had shunned him over the past few days and how they didn't need a fuck up like him in their lives, how they'd all be better off without him.

But mostly, he thought about Frank and how his life had changed for the better since he had met him. He thought about how unbearable his life would be without him.

Practically not worth living.

                                                                                                -

“Maybe you don’t have to say goodbye.”

Frank looked up at Gerard, confused. “What? …What are you saying, G?”

“I’m saying…I’m saying, let’s do this together.” Frank gasped as if the idea of someone wanting to kill themselves was so absurd to him. It was ironic really.

“No! No Gerard, you can’t! I won’t let you,” exclaimed Frank. Gerard squeezed Frank’s hand and shook his head.

“Frankie, it’s okay," Gerard said, attempting to comfort his boyfriend as he tried to find the words to explain himself.

"I want to do this. My life…It’s pointless without you. It’s falling apart before my very eyes and there’s nothing I can do about it. Everything is falling to shit. I’m going to prison. My family hates me. I’m probably never going to be allowed to see my baby. And all this would be so, so awful but bearable if I knew I had you waiting for me at the other end. But I won’t have you, not if you’re going to do this. I can’t live without you, Frankie. I love you so, so much. If you’re going out, I want to go out with you, together, on our own terms. I never thought I’d have to live without you and I’m never going to, not if I can help it. Hell, if I had never met you, I probably would have done it months again. I've been kidding myself this whole time. I was never truly happy, not like other people are. My drinking problems are always in the back of my mind, and I'll always be damaged because of that. My parents, they love me, but they can and will, never understand. I love them so much but our relationship has never been the same since I started drinking. Why do you think I barely ever mention them? I have a lot of bitter memories, a lot of things I never told you about. Mikey was the one who took care of me for all those years, my poor little baby brother. He was only a kid himself. But now he hates me too, and I don't blame him at all. How can I; I ruined his life. So you see, I really have nothing, not if I don't have you. My family, my friends, I don't want them if I can't have you. ”

                                                                                                -

Frank looked at Gerard, unable to believe what he was saying.

“Gerard, no, you honestly can’t. You can’t do this with me. You have your whole life to live; you have a baby on the way and a family that loves you, whatever you say about them. Just forget about me, please. I love you so much that it practically hurts my head but I can’t bring you down with me, I can’t. Your life, it’ll go on. I don’t want you to die, please don’t die,” begged Frank.

Gerard gripped one of Frank’s shaking hands and cupped his face with his other, kissing his cheek and stroking his face.

“Frankie, believe me, I have nothing if I don’t have you. I don’t want to live without you. I never thought my life could be as good as it was with you in it. And without you, everything is just pointless. Everything I built over the twenty-three years, would be torn down. It'd be meaningless. Out of all the twenty-three years that I was alive, the few months that I was with you are the most important. All the crazy, horrible, scary times when I was practically tearing my hair out from worrying about you, I wouldn't change them for anything. You know why? Because I was still with you and it meant the world. I want to be with you and no one else. If I have to die, I want it to be with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and if the rest of my life turns out to be the next few minutes, then so be it. I'd be with you and five minutes with you means so much more than fifty years without you. Even five seconds without you next to me is pointless. And maybe you don't want to hear this but I've got to tell the truth - even if you didn’t want me to go out alongside you, I wouldn’t be able to cope without you for very long anyway. I’d probably just try and end things myself. I’d rather go out with you than on my own. I want to do this."

                                                                                                -

Frank gripped Gerard’s hand and nodded, crying noiselessly. "Gerard, are really, really sure you want to do this?" Gerard squeezed Frank's hand and nodded. "You can't stop me, Frankie."

Frank nodded himself and sniffed, trying to stop crying.

He looked bewildered that his boyfriend confessed he wanted to die with him but he didn't have the strength to discourage him any longer, his own need for wanting to die stronger than anything else.

"Okay…Okay, let’s get this over with. We have to be quick, they’ll probably check in here soon,” said Frank, handing Gerard a bottle of vodka and picking up his own. “It’s a good job you had this stuff in your desk,” joked Frank as he took a slug. “This’ll help; we'll barely feel it. And besides, God, I’ve missed being drunk.”

“Me too, believe me,” laughed Gerard, taking a bottle of the pills and emptying it out onto his palm. Frank did the same. Gerard watched him.

For the first time in what seemed like forever, Frank looked calm.

His eyes were still red but he had stopped crying and now he just looked determined and relieved, knowing that soon his life would be over and he wouldn’t have to endure the pain he had suffered over the last few years any longer. He seemed almost happy.

At the sight of Frank's almost serene expression, Gerard stopped to wonder if this was a good idea but shook his head to rid himself of those thoughts, and hurried to take the pills, determined to get this over with. He wouldn’t back out now; he couldn’t leave Frank alone like this.

“Ready?” asked Frank, a handful of pills of his own hand. Gerard nodded. “Ready.”  


“Okay, let’s do this.”

                                                                                                -

Frank leant into Gerard, resting his head against his shoulder.

Gerard wrapped an arm around Frank and kissed his forehead. Each took a long mouthful from their own bottle of vodka and with that they swallowed their handfuls of pills and leant into each other, listening to the other’s breathing get shallower and shallower, totally oblivious to the noises around them as they slipped away easily.

“I love you.”  
“I fucking love you too.”

                                                                                                -

They held each other, their hearts beating slower and slower as they slipped away together, Frank finally getting what he wanted and Gerard happy to follow him to wherever he wanted to go.  


They were found an hour or so later, their bodies curled into each other, Gerard's jet black hair merging into Frank's brown hair, Frank's tattoos a contrast to Gerard's empty milky white skin. Their bodies were limp and they had stopped breathing long before they had been found but their hands still clasped each other’s, their bodies were still entwined.

The blood under Frank's clothes had long since dried and they simply looked like they were sleeping like so many times before, Frank's little body resting under Gerard's chin; Gerard's arms wrapped protectively around Frank as if to protect him, even though the only person Frank had ever needed protecting from was himself. Gerard had never even seen the wounds.

Their faces were relaxed, peaceful, and it was obvious to the orderlies who had found them that they had simply drifted off to sleep, comforted by each other’s embrace.

The orderlies called for help whilst they hurriedly checked for heartbeats, pulling Frank's body away from Gerard's as they checked him first.

However, they heard no dull thud of a heartbeat in either Frank or Gerard and as they laid Frank back in Gerard's arms and waited for help, it became obvious to them both that Frank had finally gotten what he wanted, bringing his boyfriend along with him.

Maybe Gerard was ready to die himself, or maybe he just couldn't stomach the thought of being alone in the world without Frank.

It wasn't clear to the orderlies who had found them.

They hadn't been there in the few minutes before Gerard and Frank had decided to die together. All they knew was Frank was no longer just a walking ghost with a beating heart, entrapped in depression's clutches, no longer even having the energy to pretend he was happy or that he felt alive.

He was no longer dead inside.

No, in death he had finally gotten what he wanted and his twenty-three-year-old doctor, turned lover who would have done anything for him, finally had.

They had loved quickly and deeply and harshly at times, but it could never be said that they hadn't loved each other with everything that they'd had and everything that they would ever had.

They had given everything to the other. In the end, Gerard's life had been added to that list, happy to die beside Frank so he wouldn't have to die alone, and without the one person that had loved him the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry for not updating in so long. I only started writing this chapter properly over the last day or two. I've been meaning to get around to it for so long but it seemed like every time I put aside a day to write, I was invited out somewhere. Thank you so much for your patience.
> 
> This is the last chapter of Disenchanted but I think I might do a little epilogue soon, to let you know what happened to Lindsey and the baby, etc so stay tuned! But until then, I wanted to say a massive thank you to anyone who read this, commented on it, subscribed, or rated it. I really really appreciate it and I loved writing this fic. I'm so sad to see it go.
> 
> I really love you guys a lot. I really can't express how great writing this was, and I really really hope I did the ending justice!


	29. Chapter Twenty Nine

It was about half an hour before the orderlies thought to check Gerard’s office. The thought hadn’t crossed their minds before then and why should it; Gerard wasn’t there anymore and none of the orderlies searching for Frank really knew how strong Frank and Gerard’s relationship had been. All they knew was Doctor Way had had an inappropriate relationship with Frank and Doctor Way was no longer working at the hospital anymore because of this. They had been floundering in their attempt to find Frank, knowing if he wasn’t found those in charge would have their heads. They also knew the longer Frank was missing; it was more likely for him to be in danger. However when they finally found him, nothing could have prepared them for what they saw.

One of the orderlies had had the bright idea of thinking like Frank, knowing they’d more likely be able to find him that way. That lead to them smacking their heads and wondering why they hadn’t thought of checking Gerard’s office sooner. It was somewhere Frank might have gone to feel safe, to feel like he was somehow still with Gerard, and checking it was worth a shot.  
Upon entering the room they saw the bodies straight away and the sight made their hearts stop, and a shiver run down their spines. Then, everything went into overdrive. Seeing the bottles of alcohol and the empty bottles of pills beside both Frank and Gerard, as well as vomit on the floor and crusted around their mouths, it was obvious what had happened. They shouted for help and rushed to the bodies, checking for heartbeats, their own hearts thundering in terror. They pulled Frank’s tiny bodies away from Gerard’s and one of the orderlies picked him up, holding him in his arms, his body limp, his arms dangling, his head lolling back. One of the orderlies picked the slightly heavier Gerard up and slung his body over their shoulder. They didn’t even think about the heavy weights they were holding as they rushed down the stairs, out of the ward and into the actual hospital below, the adrenaline making both Frank and Gerard feel light as a feather. They attracted attention as they rushed down the stairs, other patients seeing them, their eyes widening in shock, babbling to one another about what they had seen. None of them had really knew Frank; he mostly kept to himself in the past months he had been in the institution, preferring Gerard’s company. However many of the older patients felt fond of the kid with the dead eyes that sometimes played guitar for them, the boy who seemed so much younger and more innocent. Seeing Frank in such a state and not knowing whether he was even still alive shook those who saw the scene to the very core. Soon the news spread over the ward and everyone knew. The nurses tried to keep everyone from getting worked up over what they had just witnessed but it was no use, an unsettling silence settled over the floor as the people Frank had lived with for the past few months of his life, waited for news.

Both Frank and Gerard had faint pulses, so faint that it seemed they may peter away at any time. The orderlies entered A & E and shouted for help, the unusual sight attracting enough attention as it was. They told the first doctor they saw what had happened and within seconds, Frank and Gerard were taken from the orderly’s arms and wheeled away, the doctors knowing that if they didn’t act fast it would be too late in a matter of minutes. The orderlies walked back upstairs, not knowing what else to do but go back to their jobs. They were shaken up and worrying that their efforts to save Frank and Gerard had not been enough.

Whilst the doctors tried to save Frank and Gerard, their families were rung. Mikey was called for Gerard, Linda for Frank. Mikey was walking home from work when he got the call. He juggled with his bag and his phone, as well as some milk Alicia wanted him to pick up, cursing the fact that he didn’t have more hands. When he finally answered the phone he was breathless and annoyed. He didn’t even bother checking who was calling him and so was surprised when he answered the phone to a sympathetic voice. “Hello, is that Michael Way?” The voice asked him. Confused, Mikey pulled the phone away from his ear and saw that the number that was calling him was saved in his contacts as the local hospital, the one where his brother had worked for the past year or so. Oh shit, oh shit, what’s happened? “Yes, it is…What’s going on?” There was a pause before the voice on the other end spoke again. “I’m afraid I have some upsetting news. Your brother, Gerard Way, has been involved in an incident…”

Mikey listened to the woman’s voice, feeling worse and worse with every word she spoke. His brother had been involved in an incident; to be more specific, he’d tried to kill himself. He’d tried to kill himself with Frank. With every new piece of information the woman on the phone gave him, Mikey felt worse and worse. He felt like his throat was closing up. His older brother, the one who always protected him and took care of him, had tried to kill himself. His older brother, who had been so strong over these past few months, didn’t want to live anymore. Memories of Mikey’s childhood flashed in his head; his brother struggling with depression brought on by alcoholism, crying on the floor of his basement bedroom, his eyes red from tears, shaking from withdrawal; his brother being angry, yelling at Mikey, staying out until all hours of the night to get wasted at party after party, going even when he didn’t even know the person whose party is was. It didn’t matter to him; all that mattered was where the next drink was coming from. Mikey thought of his brother stealing money, raiding their parents’ drinks cabinet, desperate to get his next drink. Mikey thought about Gerard’s mood swings, his dependency on alcohol. One night Mikey had even found Gerard stood outside their house in the middle of the road, his eyes glazed over as he stared into space, not even noticing the cars swerving to avoid him and yelling abuse as they passed. Mikey helped him inside that night and told him about it when Gerard was slightly more sober (he was never fully sober at that time, but just enough so he’d understand). It was then Gerard knew he had to quit. Drinking was making him suicidal and even though he had wanted to die, knowing he was so close to it without even being aware of it, scared him a little. It was then he decided he couldn’t do this anymore, he couldn’t continue to hurt Mikey. 

His withdrawal was the hardest thing he had ever had to do, but Mikey was there with him every step of the way. Mikey thought of that now as he held his phone in his hand, reeling from the news he had just been told. His older brother had been so strong since then. But recently he had started drinking again and Mikey had ignored it; bitterly trying not to care. He had watched his brother relapse and done nothing about it. He had watched his brother lose the love of his life and done nothing about it then either. And now look what had happened. Gerard had tried to kill himself. Mikey had watched his brother tear down all his hard work and just let him do it. The realisation that Mikey could have saved him, as well as the fact that his brother had tried to kill himself probably thinking Mikey hated him, washed over him. Mikey’s stomach churned, his head swam. Oh god. This was his fault. 

Suddenly Mikey’s legs gave out and he crumpled onto the pavement, holding his head in his hands as he curled in on himself, his body wracked with sobs. At that moment Alicia was making lunch for them both and happened to glance out of the window. Seeing her boyfriend crumpled on the pavement just meters away, Alicia abandoned what she was doing and flew out of the house, not even bothering to lock the door. She reached Mikey quickly and folded him into her body, hugging him softly and wiping his tears away. She waited until Mikey had gotten to that ‘gulping, trying to catch breath’ stage of crying before she tried to coax what had happened out of him. Mikey didn’t often cry so she knew it must be something really awful and honestly, she was terrified at what had happened. As Mikey choked out the news, Alicia’s face paled. She was horrified and desperately wanted to cry too but held it in; knowing Mikey needed her to be strong right now even if he wouldn’t say so. Instead she wordlessly helped him up and brought him to the car where she drove them to the hospital, holding his hand the whole time.

When Frank’s mom heard, she cried so hard that she never thought she’d stop. Living with someone she loved more than anything when they wanted to die more than anything was harder than anything she could have ever imagined. After a while it had gotten too hard to handle and she ceased contact with Frank. It was the hardest thing she had ever done and she regretted it every single day but some part of her told her it was the right thing to do. When she found out Frank had been sleeping with Gerard, she was even less convinced. Her anger that someone she thought was her friend had taken advantage of her son in the worst way possible angered her more than she ever thought it could. She had gone to see her son for the first time in months after she had found out but only served to upset him more. And now she heard that her son had tried to end his life once again, the pain was worse than she could have ever imagined. Now she knew for certain she had made a terrible decision and wished more than ever to have her son back in her arms and protect him. But she was too late for that. The fact that her son was far away from her, possibly dying, and she hadn’t been there with him, looking after him and supporting him over the past few months, were too much to handle and Linda crumpled in a heap, crying so much that she wasn’t sure if she could ever stop.

Both Frank and Gerard had to get their stomachs pumped to get rid of the pills they swallowed, and Frank had to get his wrists stitched. Then it was just a case of waiting for them to wake up. The longer they stayed unconscious, the worse things would be. 

It was torture waiting. The hours seemed to stretch on in front of Mikey and Alicia. They grasped hands as they waited for news, squeezing them tightly as Mikey cried silently into Alicia’s shoulder. Unbeknownst to them, Linda sat just a few meters away from them, tears dribbling down her own cheeks. It was hours before they got news and the three of them spent the whole time waiting anxiously, biting their lips in anticipation, horrible thoughts running through each of their heads. Alicia’s once perfectly manicured nails were now reduced to stubs. Eventually they lost track of time and just continued to sit, not knowing whether the people they were waiting for were alive or dead.  
Eventually a doctor came into the waiting room and asked for Mikey who immediately stood up and practically ran over to him. “Is my brother okay?” he asked anxiously. Alicia joined his side and Mikey grasped her hand straight away, squeezing hard. The news they were about to hear could either make everything okay again, or mean nothing could ever be okay again. The doctor looked grave and Mikey’s heart plummeted. “We had to pump his stomach but he’d taken a lot of pills. He’s unconscious now so the next few hours are crucial. The sooner he wakes up, the sooner we’ll be able to see the damage. He’s not out of the danger zone yet.” 

“Can I see him?” asked Mikey anxiously. The doctor nodded. “Of course, I’ll bring you to him in a minute; I just need to speak to Mrs Iero here.” Hearing her name, Linda jumped up and crossed the floor to where they were standing. “Is my son okay? Please tell me he’s alright.” The doctor signalled for Mikey and Alicia to wait in the corner and turned to Linda. “I’m afraid the situation is more serious for your son, Mrs Iero. He had been drinking for several hours before the attempt and took far more pills than Mr Way. It’s had a terrible effect on him. His heart stopped twice in the few hours that he’s been here, but we managed to restart it both times. But the worry is that he’ll have a heart attack and his heart will fail. He’s in the danger zone right now, and he will be until he wakes up. Then we’ll be able to assess the damage. But I have to tell you this, it’s not looking good. Please prepare yourself for the worst. I’m so sorry.” The doctor patted Linda’s shoulder awkwardly as she broke into sobs beside him, letting out a low whine that could never convey the amount of pain she was feeling at that moment. “I can take you all to see your respective relatives now if you’d like,” he said, addressing the group who all nodded eagerly, each looking more broken that the last.

It was Gerard who woke up first. It had been about two days since he had taken the pills and Mikey was climbing up the walls. Their parents had visited for hours every day but Mikey hadn’t left Gerard’s beside, never mind the hospital. Although he knew he was being irrational, he had somehow convinced himself that this was his fault, that if he’d been nicer to Gerard or tried to understand his situation, Gerard wouldn’t have done this. Mikey began to feel like Gerard may never wake up and with every day he remained unconscious, Mikey lost a little more hope, so it was a huge relief when he finally did. Mikey was watching his older brother, whilst Alicia went to get coffee for them both when Gerard’s eyelids began to flicker and he slowly opened his eyes. He turned his head to his younger brother, and croaked out his name, looking exhausted and confused. His head was banging, his bones were aching and he was both confused and horribly disappointed that he was still alive. “Mikey?” Mikey made a noise of surprise, similar to a scream and leapt forward, immediately enveloping Gerard into a hug. He was desperate to squeeze him harder, hold him closer, but he knew Gerard had been through a lot and was too weak to engage in any bone crushing hugs. Instead, Mikey buried his face into the crook of Gerard’s neck whilst he held him gingerly. Still confused, Gerard wrapped his arm around Mikey’s shaking frame and used the other to softly stroke his hair. “It’s okay, Mikey,” he murmured, understanding his brother needed all of his comfort right now. His questions would have to wait for later, even though all he could think of was Frank and whether or not he was okay. When Mikey moved and turned to face Gerard, his cheeks were stained with tears and his eyes were bloodshot red. “I thought I’d lost you,” he whimpered. “Oh, Mikey,” murmured Gerard, the miserable sight of his brother causing him to feel sick with guilt, “I’m so sorry.” 

“I just don’t understand why you did it,” said Mikey, suddenly pulling back from Gerard’s embrace and glaring at him, his sadness being replaced with anger. “How selfish do you have to be Gerard? How could you do this to me, to mom and dad, just to be with your fucking suicidal boyfriend? Look what he’s done to you. This isn’t you Gerard, it’s not.” Gerard sighed. He knew Mikey would be angry, as would his parents, and Alicia. He really didn’t want to have to deal with their anger right now, he was tired and upset and disappointed that his plan hadn’t worked. Honestly, he felt like his world had crashed down in front of him a second time. All he wanted was Frank. Frank would make this better. “Mikey, please, can we please just do this later? I have a headache like you wouldn’t believe, and I’m fucking exhausted, I feel awful.”

“But Gerard, you just tried to-“

“Kill myself. Yes, I did. But this wasn’t the first time, Mikey, you know what my past was like. You know how awful my drinking problem was. You also know I relapsed lately.” Mikey looked down to avoid Gerard’s sad gaze, feeling guiltier than even. “My boyfriend was about to be taken away from me, I was about to lose my reputation; hell, I don’t think I’ll even see my baby once it’s born. You’re allowed to be angry, Mikey, but you’re not allowed to say you don’t know why I did this. You know damn well. I just felt so awful, so hopeless and I couldn’t imagine my life with Frankie. When he told me he was planning on killing himself, I knew I couldn’t stop him, and that might sound crazy but if you knew him like I do, it wouldn’t. He’s stubborn as hell and I knew he wanted this and wouldn’t stop till he got it; he’s wanted this since he was fifteen and he hasn’t stopped yet. I just thought it’d be an escape, an easy way to get away from all the shit. He wanted to die and regardless of whether or not I did, I can’t live without him Mikey, I can’t.”

“I just need to see Frank and then I’ll be okay; then I’ll be okay to deal with this. I just need to see him.” Mikey averted his eyes, suddenly finding his fingers that were curled into fists in his laps very interesting. Gerard noticed this and his blood ran cold. Oh no. “What is it, Mikey? What’s going on? Is Frankie okay? Please tell me he is.”  
Mikey pulled a face, unsure of how to tell Gerard that the love of his life was still unconscious and in a much worse shape than him. He was terrified of how Gerard would react. It’d destroy him, he knew it would. “Mikey, tell me!” Gerard insisted, his voice fraught with worry. Mikey turn to meet Gerard’s eyes which stared back into his own. 

“Gerard, Frank hasn’t woken up yet.”

Gerard looked like he was about to choke. “What? What do you mean he’s not awake yet? It’s been two days, the calendar says it right here, that’s long enough isn’t it? He should be awake by now. Why isn’t he awake, Mikey?” Gerard asked desperately, his voice getting higher and higher as he got more scared. “I don’t know, Gerard,” sighed Frank. “They just said he was in a worse way than you, he took more pills before you found him, he drank more. Plus his wrists were bleeding for a long time. I don’t know why he’s still unconscious, maybe it’s just a combination of all those things, but I really have no idea. I’m sorry, Gerard, I really am.”

“I need to see him,” Gerard said decisively.

“Gerard, you can’t. You’re not allowed anywhere near him, you know you’re not! The police are still hanging around and even if they weren’t, his mom has been watching him like a hawk, she’ll never let you see him.”

“I don’t care,” Gerard decided, moving to get out of bed, disconnecting the wires that were attached to him. “I need to see him.” 

“Gerard, stop it, you’re being crazy! Just get back into bed, no one even knows you’re awake yet.” Gerard nodded. “Exactly, no one’s gonna come and check on me if they think I’m still unconscious. I just need five minutes with him Mikey, please. Ask Linda if she wants to go for coffee or something, distract her. Please, Mikey. I need to see him.”

“Gerard-“

“Mikey, I love him. Please. He needs me.”

Mikey sighed. “Fine, but I’m only doing this because I love you. I’ll go speak to Linda; you follow me in about five minutes. If you see us leave to go get coffee or whatever, go see Frank. If she doesn’t want to leave then tough, you can’t see him today. And try not to get caught.” Gerard rolled his eyes but nodded eagerly. “Do you need me to help you get out of bed before I go?” Gerard shook his head. “No, I’ll be fine, you go.” Frank nodded and muttered “Alright. God, I can’t believe I’m doing this,” before sloping out of the door.

Gerard gingerly got out of bed, wincing at his banging headache, knowing full well he was swaying on his feet. He wasn’t even sure if he would be able to make it to Frank’s room but he knew it’d be nearby, they were probably both in some sort of coma ward. He also knew he needed to hurry up. Gingerly he slid on a pair of sweat pants and a loose t shirt that were left for him nearby and opened the door, looking out for Mikey and trying not to get caught. He quickly saw his brother disappearing into a room a few feet away. He watched his brother speak softly to Frank’s mother for several minutes before leading her out of the room and down the hall, coaxing her closer to him as she continued to keep her eyes on her son’s room as she walked down the hall. Gerard was bubbling with anger at the sight of her. He knew it was irrational, but he couldn’t look at her the same way after she had abandoned Frank. He had been the one to comfort him night after night, to wipe away his tears. He was forever scarred by her abandonment, his father had already left him and his mother doing the same didn’t exactly do anything for his confidence. Whatever, he thought. That doesn’t matter right now. What matters is Frank. Gerard looked both ways and seeing that there was no one coming, he took his chance and slipped into Frank’s room.  
He gasped at the sight he saw in front of him. Frank was covered in all sorts of tubes, ones that Gerard assumed were meant to help him breathe, and his face looked deathly pale. It looked like a scene in some soap opera, not real life and certainly not happening to his best friend, to the love of his life.

Gerard knew he didn’t have much time so he slipped down beside Frank, kissing his cheek and squeezing his hand tightly, hoping for a squeeze back that never came. Gerard sighed, disappointed but tried to focus more on being there for Frank. It wasn’t like Frank would hear Gerard’s voice or feel his touch and come springing back to life, no matter how much he hoped it. “They, er, they say when people are in comas they can hear things going on around them. I really hope that’s true Frankie cause I need you to know some things. I miss you too fucking much to go another day without you here beside me. I wish you would wake up Frank, I really do. I’m so scared of you dying, of you not coming out of this and leaving me alone here without you. I could never forgive you if you did that to me Frankie, so you better wake up, before I kick your ass, okay?” Gerard questioned, trying to laugh as tears streamed down his face. “Don’t you ever leave me, Frankie, you hear? Don’t you ever leave me.”

He broke down in sobs, burying his head in Frank’s chest. He waited for a soothing voice in his ear, for an arm slung around his waist, for a hand stroking his hair. It never came. “Please,” he sobbed louder. “Don’t leave.”

It became a sort of routine. Mikey would bring Linda for coffee and Gerard would have five stolen minutes with Frank, ten if Linda was feeling chatty. After a few days Gerard was released. Mikey brought him home with him and Alicia, still feeling guilty about how he had treated his younger brother and what it had caused him to do. Gerard hadn’t been in his own home for about two weeks now and he was missing being alone. All he really wanted to do was mope. He just wanted to hold Frank in his arms again, to have him be awake and healthy again. Gerard didn’t know what would happen once he woke up, if he even did, but he knew Frank would be more fragile than ever. He was desperate to see Frank again, and having him be conscious would be even better. But Frank was still in a coma, fighting for his life and the thought made Gerard cry all the time, even when he wished it wouldn’t. His second stay at Mikey and Alicia’s home in the past few weeks was completely opposite to the first. This time Mikey and his girlfriend wouldn’t leave him alone. They were constantly fussing over him, checking he was okay and most annoying, keeping a firm count on the beers in the fridge. They promised him they trusted him but Gerard knew if just one of those beers went missing, the whole lot would be cleared out the fridge. Gerard was indignant over this sudden attempt at protection and he wanted to grumble, and tell his brother he hadn’t been too concerned for him over the past few weeks leading up to his attempt. However, one good thing had happened over the past few days, whilst Gerard had been staying at Mikey’s and then subsequently at the hospital.

The police had finished investigating. They had interviewed all Gerard’s co-workers, as well as his old therapy clients and the patients at the hospital, even the ones that Gerard had never even spoken to. According to Mikey, the main officer working on the case had called him into the station, as well as Frank’s mother a few days ago. 

He had explained to them both that the main issue was trying to find out if Gerard had slept with Frank, or any of the other patients in the hospital before they turned eighteen, because that was the prosecutable offence. They explained that they had spoken to everyone they needed to and each person had said that Gerard had never acted inappropriately towards anyone, never touched anyone, they wouldn’t have even guessed him and Frank were in a relationship, that Gerard was just another dedicated doctor, committed to helping his charges, and although he had hugged Frank, it wasn’t done with an alternate motive, just to comfort him as Frank was his main patient for a long time and the person Frank was closest to especially as he didn’t have any other friends in the institution. Many of Gerard’s co-workers stated that they were shocked about the news that had come out, but although some may find it hard to believe, that didn’t change their opinion of him at all, that Gerard shouldn’t have let himself fall for Frank but just because he did, didn’t make him a bad person, that he had only acted this way with Frank because they were in an actual relationship, because they loved one another. 

Flashback:

“Now, no one I spoke to said that Frank and Gerard’s relationship was right, but no one condemned them either,” stated the officer. “It’s clear from our investigation, taking into account what Frank and Gerard said, as well as everyone we interviewed, that both your son and your brother had a normal relationship, albeit it wasn’t in normal circumstances.” Linda scoffed and rolled her eyes, causing the officer to look at her. “Mrs Iero please remember that no one would have any reason to lie to try and cover this up, nor would someone pretend everything was okay when they were forced to do something by someone and were then given the opportunity to send them away for it. From all the evidence we’ve compiled, it just seems like Frank and Gerard were in love but because of Gerard’s position, something innocent was made to seem like something much worse.”

“Now I’m in no way excusing what Mr Way did, but I’m saying that it looks like he is of no threat to Mr Iero. They both insisted that they didn’t sleep together before your son turned eighteen, but there was no real way to physically tell if that was true or not, but we did get both Frank and Gerard to take a polygraph test and according to that, they were both telling the truth. Frank and Gerard didn’t sleep with each other until Frank was eighteen and when we asked Gerard, the tests showed us he was telling the truth when he told us he’s never slept with, or acted inappropriately towards anyone else he’s worked with. We simply asked his co-workers and ex patients if he had to make sure. And although Gerard slept with someone in his care, we can’t prosecute him on that alone. We can keep him away from Frank, and he has been fired from his job, he won’t find it easy to get another job again, especially in that field but that’s all that can really be done. I’m sorry.”

As they left the office, Linda was seething. “It’s bullshit, it’s absolute bullshit!” she raged quietly to herself. By that stage Mikey had had enough of people bad mouthing his brother and he spun around, not ready to let yet another person curse his brother. “Look Linda, I get why you’re upset, I really do, but you’ve got to stop blaming Gerard for all this. You heard what the officer said in there, Gerard’s innocent! He was never inappropriate towards your son! They were in love!”

“But-“

“No Linda, you don’t get a but, you don’t deserve a but. You haven’t been here over these past few months, watching your son fall apart because he thought you didn’t love him anymore. My brother had to be the one to pick up the pieces; he had to be there for Frank when you weren’t. I watched them fall in love over the past few months; I saw how devoted they were to each other. I also saw my brother’s heart break when Frank was taken away from him and how much it hurt him. He’s been miserable over the past few weeks. And Frank’s been miserable over the past few years if you hadn’t noticed. He’d be dead a long time ago if it wasn’t for my brother. So just listen to the cop in there and be grateful that your son was in love with someone as great as my brother, instead of being scared and terrified, being made to do things he didn’t want to do by someone that was forcing him to.” With that, Mikey left the police station without looking back and went to visit his brother in the hospital leaving Linda standing there, her mouth open and her eyes wide.

End of flashback.

Gerard’s eyes were glassing when Mikey finished recanting his tale. “So…So I’m cleared of all charges?” he whispered, barely being able to believe it. Mikey nodded, smiling. “Yep.” 

“Oh wow, oh wow. I can’t…I can’t believe it, I really can’t,” murmured Gerard, tears spilling down his cheeks. “This is just…” He looked up at Mikey, shaking his head slightly. Mikey’s face broke into a crooked grin as he watched his brother smile properly for what seemed like the first time in ages. “This is the best thing ever.” Gerard stretched out his arms to Mikey who happily slipped onto his lap. They hugged fiercely, happy that this whole ordeal was basically over. "I can't believe you said that stuff to her too," lauhed Gerard. "Way to go Mikes." Mikey chucked himself, enjoying his new status as 'Michael Way: Badass.' 

“I can’t wait to tell Frankie,” Gerard said excitedly. “I mean, I know he’s still unconscious, but they say that when people are in a coma they hear what’s going on around them. If I tell him, maybe it’d help him wake up a bit,” Gerard said, his eyes shining. “Come on Mikey, let’s go visit him. I mean it might be a bit awkward trying to see him when you said those things to Linda but fuck her, I’m sure she’ll-“

Mikey shook his head, cutting off his brother. “Gerard no, you just got home. The doctor said you have to rest. We’ll see Frank tomorrow. Besides, I’m sure Linda already told Frank, putting her own spin on it of course,” Gerard nodded but sighed, content enough with the news that he was in the clear to dispute his brother. He’d see Frank tomorrow; maybe he’d even be awake by then. A guy could hope.

But Mikey was hiding something, the real reason why he didn’t want Gerard to go down to the hospital to visit Frank. And the reason was this, Frank was already awake.

Despite their words, Linda had called late the night before to tell Mikey that Frank had woken up the previous morning. Frank was about to congratulate her when Linda cut him off telling him she was only telling him this so he’d keep his brother away from him. She said they were planning on moving away, she was all ready to go and they’d be leaving as soon as Frank was well enough to go. “We need a fresh start. I need Frank to get better without…distractions. Just keep your brother away from my son for a few days, I’ll let you know when we’ve left, then you can tell your brother. It’ll be easier this way. And believe me Michael, if you don’t, I won’t hesitate in getting a restraining order on Gerard. I want to keep him away from my son at all costs.”

The next day Mikey didn’t have to lie as it turned out both him and Alicia were working shifts at the same time and therefore both their cars would be gone and there would be nobody to take Gerard to see Frank. By the time they both got back, visiting hours would be over. The next day, however, was trickier. Mikey told Gerard he’d bring him to see Frank after he’d finished his shift at work, then after he’d taken Piglet for a walk, after he’d done laundry, after he’d helped Alicia make dinner. After Mikey had invented yet another job for him to do before they left, Gerard groaned in frustration. “Mikey come on, you can do that later. I haven’t seen Frank in days, I’m going crazy here! Visiting hours will be over soon!” Alicia and Mikey shared a look and something suddenly clicked in Gerard’s head. “Wait…Are you guys trying to keep me from Frankie? I mean I know you were upset a few weeks back but I thought you were cool with it now. What changed?”

“Gerard, nothing changed. It’s not us, it’s-“ Alicia trailed off. Gerard looked to Mikey instead. “Frank woke up.” Gerard looked from Mikey to Alicia, to Mikey again. “What? He woke up and you didn’t tell me?”

“We couldn’t.”

“What do you mean you couldn’t, Mikey? You’re a grown man, what are you talking ab-“

“Gerard, sweetie,” Alicia tried to soothe him, “We didn’t keep this from you to hurt you. We wanted to protect you.”

Gerard now looked more confused than ever. “Protect me? Why?”

“Linda and Frank are moving away and Linda asked us to keep you away from Frank until then, she said it’ll be easier for everyone that way.”

Gerard looked horrified. “I’m going to see him,” he said decidedly. “Gerard, you can’t!” shouted both Alicia and Mikey, running after Gerard who had grabbed the car keys and was stalking towards the front door. “She said she’ll get a restraining order against you if you try to see Frank again and knowing her, she’s not joking.”

“I don’t care!” shouted Gerard, “I’m going. Neither of you can stop me so don’t even try,” unlocking the car. “Gerard, you can’t drive, you just got out of a fucking coma! Be reasonable!” shouted Mikey. “Then drive me!” Gerard shouted back. “Either way, I’m going to see Frank. He’s the love of my fucking life and I’m not about to let him be taken away from me. I’m going, whether I drive or you do. At least if you do, I’ll have more chance of arriving there alive.” 

“Urgh, fine!” shouted Mikey, catching the keys that Gerard had thrown at him. “I fucking hate you sometimes.” He pressed a quick kiss to Alicia’s lips and got into the car, Gerard already beeping the horn at him impatiently.

Just as they pulled into the hotel car park, Mikey got a phone call. It was Linda. “We’re leaving now. I’m bringing Frank home to get some last bits and then we’ll be gone. Just keep your brother away from my son for a few more hours and then hopefully we’ll never have to deal with one another ever again.”

“Ah, that might be a bit of a problem,” said Mikey into the phone as he watched his brother wrench the car door open and go running down the car park into the hospital. 

Mikey walked into the hospital seconds later and was met with an awful scene.

Gerard was wrapped up in the arms of a security guard, screaming and kicking to be let go whilst another held onto Frank, who was also screaming and kicking to be put down, as desperate to get to Gerard as Gerard was to him. It’d be funny considering Frank’s size if they weren’t attracting the whole floors attention. “How dare you come here?” shouted Linda to Gerard. “I told you to keep away from my son.”

“Yeah, only so you could take him away from me without causing a scene!” retorted Gerard. To that, Linda rolled her eyes. “And to think I was so naïve that I could get him away from you without one! I already told you, we’re moving away and you’ll never see Frank again, not if I can help it!” She turned to the security guard. “Can you help bring him out to the car, please?”  
“Sure thing, ma’am,” replied the guard, turning on his heel out of the automatic doors, a kicking and screaming Frank in his arms. “No!” screamed Frank. “No, I won’t go! You can’t make me! Gerard!” he screamed. “Gerard, help me!” Frank kicked at the wall as the security guard walked through the doors but Frank’s feeble attempt to get free were nothing to him. Frank’s screams continued, fading as he was brought to the car.

“Frank! Frank, I’m here!” yelled Gerard as he struggled in the other guards arms. “Yeah, that’s the problem,” smirked Linda, “You’re in here and he’s out there. What a shame.” Gerard could have killed her as she flashed him a fake smile and turned on her heel. “And if you ever go near my son again, I’ll make you regret it.”

Moments later Gerard heard the noise of a car speed away, seconds after that, the second security guard re-entered the building. Then and only then, did the one holding Gerard release him.  
Immediately Gerard ran to the window even though he already knew the car would already be gone. He was right. He turned around to face his brother desperately. Thankfully by now the crowds had dissipated, knowing the show was over.

“We need to go to their house!” screamed Gerard. “You said so yourself, they’re going there to get some of Frank’s stuff.” 

“Gerard, we can’t, you heard what Linda said-“

“I don’t care what she said!” screamed Gerard again. “If there’s any chance that I can see him again, any chance at all, then I need to take it.” He stalked out of the hospital and started to run towards their car. Mikey ran after him, fearing his brother was going mad with grief. With the wild and desperate look in Gerard’s eyes, Mikey sighed and pushed passed Gerard, slipping into the driver’s side. “At least let me drive, you can’t in your state,” Anything to get you to stop crying. Gerard nodded and slipped in beside Frank but still the tears slipped down his cheeks. As they drove Gerard hoarsely called out directions, and jiggled his legs against the floor of the car nervously. Mikey knew his brother and he knew he was expecting to reach Frank’s house just in the nick of time, be reunited with him once again and gallantly refuse to let his mother take him away again. He was expecting to be reunited with Frank again and Mikey was sure Gerard would be disappointed. Still, he kept driving knowing his brother would never forgive him if he didn’t, never mind if there was any point to their journey or not. However, when they reached the house, it was deserted, just like Mikey knew it would be. It looked like Linda and Frank had skipped the trip back home, probably asking movers to collect the rest of their stuff, and carried on with the rest of the journey. Gerard’s face paled when he saw the empty house but Mikey just couldn’t believe he thought the mother and son would be there anyway. 

Gerard refused to take no for an answer. He ran out of the car, ignoring his brother’s calls and launched himself onto the front door, banging and screaming to be let inside. When he was met with only silence, he looked through the windows, to see the majority of the furniture had been taken away. The place looked empty, like it hadn’t been lived in in months. Gerard finally realised no one was home and that was also the moment when he realised Frank was gone, really truly gone, and he would probably never see him again. That was when he fell apart. He collapsed onto the front porch step and let out a long, desperate scream, followed by heavy sobs that wracked his entire body. Mikey’s heart broke as he watched his older brother struggle and he dashed out of the car himself, flopping beside Gerard and folding him into his arms like the many times Gerard had done the same for him. “Shh, shh, it’s okay,” murmured Mikey. But no, Gerard knew that from this moment on, nothing would ever be okay again.

From then on, everything fell to shit for Gerard. He moved back to his own home a few days after Frank had left, unable to bare being around his brother and Alicia any longer, their sympathetic looks and worried glances driving him crazy. If he couldn’t have Frank, all he wanted was to be alone. Things quickly went from bad to worse for him. With no one to keep a watchful eye on him, he went straight back to the booze. His cupboards were filled with vodka and whiskey within hours, his fridge filled with beers. He drank every night, desperate for the pain to go away but it didn’t work, nothing made him feel better. He began to drink more and more, desperately hoping that the more he drank, the less he would feel. Quickly he realised that was wishful thinking but by that time he was too far gone, addicted once again. He carried on, drinking bottle after bottle at night, sleeping away the day and drinking once more when he regained consciousness. He began to hang out with old friends he hadn’t seen in years, old high school friends he knew were trouble but didn’t care. They had stuff that could numb the pain, things stronger than vodka.  
He was staying out for days at a time and his whole family was becoming more and more worried but Gerard didn’t care. He couldn’t stand to talk to them in the state he was in and he didn’t want them to see just how bad things had gotten. Instead of talking to his parents, he ignored their calls and during the rare times he was in, he ignored Mikey’s knocks on the door.  
He hadn’t got a job yet; he knew it’d be hard for him to find one after what had happened with Frank. Also, he had almost gone to prison. Everyone in the town had heard about it and Gerard knew he wouldn’t find a job easily. Because he had no money to pay his bills, he was running out of money to for rent. His landlord had been on to him several times, complaining that the rent had been late for the past few weeks. Gerard knew he was about to get kicked out of his apartment soon enough if he didn’t start making money but how could he with no job? In any case, he wasn’t in any state to start working. He knew he could move in with Mikey, who had offered several times, most often through a door, but he refused to, at least not yet. He saw that as giving up and he wasn’t about to do that yet. I mean yeah, he wanted to, in fact he wanted nothing more, but he wouldn’t give anyone the satisfaction. He might be in a world of shit right then, but he knew things would only get worse if he moved in with Mikey. His brother would make him give up the booze cold turkey and yeah, even though he knew Mikey would support him every step of the way, he wasn’t ready for that yet. He just wanted to be left alone to deal with things his own way.

This went on for several weeks. That was until Gerard’s daughter was born. Gerard had been on a particularly bad bender the night before and in his drunken state, he had left the door open. Unfortunately for him, but fortunately for Mikey who had come to see him that morning, Mikey could get in. What he saw shocked him. Gerard was lying on the floor, having not made it to the couch, bottles and bottles of alcohol surrounding him, most empty, some not. His apartment was more empty than it had been the last time Mikey had seen him; he assumed Gerard had sold some of his furniture to pay for either alcohol, or rent. As Mikey got closer he gasped, what he saw upsetting him more than ever. There was vomit around Gerard, staining his shirt and crusting around his mouth, in a horrible déjà vu moment to how Mikey imagined Gerard and Frank were found those few weeks ago. 

He rushed to his brother, shaking him awake. Gerard groaned, clutching his pounding head. “Oh god, my head,” he whimpered, curling up even more into himself. Mikey shook him again, getting more and more angry. “Gerard, wake up!” Gerard turned around, bleary eyed. “Mikey…? What the hell are you doing here?” Mikey rolled his eyes. “I came to tell you something, something really fucking important, but Jesus Christ, look at the state of you!” Gerard groaned again, trying to turn away from his younger brother but Mikey pulled him back, determined to talk to him. “This has gone on for long enough, Gerard.”

“How did you even get in here?” groaned Gerard. “You left your door open. I mean Jesus Christ, Gerard; we’re in fucking New Jersey! You could have been robbed. It looks like you already did, but I’m just guessing you sold your shit to pay for more alcohol. Look at the state of this place, look at all these bottles. You’ve been clean for so long, Gerard, you were doing so well, and now look at you. You were passed out on the floor cause you were so fucking drunk and something tells me this isn’t a once off kind of thing. Something tells me it’s a regular occurrence. You could have choked on your own vomit and died, Gee. And no one would have even known because no one sees you anymore, it’s like you’re already dead. You’re my older brother Gee, you had such a great life before all this, you had it all together. You were clean, you had a job, your apartment, you were getting married, you had a kid on the way. And then you found Frank and you were happy, and I was happy for you too Gee, you know I was, but since you lost him, everything’s fallen to shit.”

Gerard sobbed at the mention of Frank and turned into the carpet, wanting to hide from Mikey’s words. Mikey rubbed his back and cooed softly, his anger fading to sympathy. “I’m sorry Gee, I know it hurts.” Gerard sobbed louder. Mikey picked him up off the floor and held him tightly, letting his brother wet his shirt with his tears. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he murmured. “I’m not a big shot psychiatrist like you Gee, but I know one thing. You’ve got to talk about this, instead of pretending it’s not happening and drowning all the memories that won’t go away in alcohol. You’re killing yourself, Gerard. I’ve come here to see you, and you’re killing yourself. You look dead inside. Maybe you can’t see it anymore but I can. I’m sorry Frankie’s not here to help you but I can, Al can, our parents can. We all love you so fucking much. But this has got to stop. You’ve lost weight, your face is all drawn and pale, you look awful. Your breath stinks, you look like you haven’t showered in days. This can’t go on any longer.” Gerard’s anger had subsided with the mention of Frank and he just nodded and continued to sob against Frank’s chest. Mikey helped him to his feet. “You go get a shower, I’ll clean up a little bit and make you some coffee. Then we can have a chat, I’ll help you pack a few things and then you’re coming to my place. You’re going to stay with me and Al for a bit and you’re not leaving till you’re sober.” Gerard couldn’t fight his brother’s help anymore, he so desperately needed what Mikey was offering and so he just nodded his head and wandered into the bathroom.

Mikey listened out for his brother as he cleaned the apartment, the once clean and stylish place having gone to shit. He didn’t trust Gerard on his own anymore. As he waited, he rang up Alicia to tell him the news, as well as Gerard’s landlord, the number of whom he had found lying nearby, to tell him Gerard would be moving out.  
Minutes later, Gerard and Mikey were sat at the kitchen table, steaming mugs of coffee in their hands. Mikey passed Gerard an Advil which he took gratefully. Gerard looked better now he had showered and was wearing clean clothes, but he was still painfully thin and looked like he was in a lot of pain, both emotional and otherwise. “So,” Gerard started as he sipped his coffee, “What was it you wanted to talk to me about?”

“Gerard…Lindsey gave birth to the baby.”

Gerard choked on his coffee and started to choke. “What? …The baby?” Gerard questioned; his eyes wide. Mikey nodded, “Earlier this morning.”

“I missed it…” was all Gerard whispered before tears started to slip silently down his cheeks. “She needed me and I wasn’t there for her.” Although Lindsey had turned them in, thus causing Gerard to lose Frank, he wasn’t about to let her raise the baby on her own. He wanted to be there for her, if she let him that was. And yet he had missed arguably the most important part of being a father, the birth. He hated himself for it.

Mikey slipped out of his seat and wrapped Gerard into his arms. “Hey, hey, it’s okay,” he cooed. 

“It’s not!” cried Gerard. “I let her down, Mikey.” Mikey continued to hold him. “It’s alright Gee, there were plenty of people with her, I was there, and Alicia was too, you know how they always got on. Her mum was there, she was alright, she was safe…But if you get clean, if I help you, you can always be there for that little girl too, and you can never let her or her mom down ever.”  
Gerard looked up at him. “She’s…she’s a girl?” Mikey nodded excitedly. “Yeah, and she’s so beautiful.” Mikey smiled. “She looks just like you.”

Gerard cried a lot after that. Half of it was out of happiness; the rest was out of guilt, sorrow and shame that he’d missed the birth of his baby daughter. He begged Mikey to drive him to the hospital to he could meet her, but Mikey refused, telling him that he was still so drunk that he’d probably drop the baby. Gerard wanted to argue but sadly, he knew it was true. How had things come to this?

Instead they packed up some of his stuff and went to Mikey’s, where Gerard slept off the rest of his hangover. He couldn’t believe that his baby daughter was just miles away but he couldn’t see her because he had gotten too drunk the night before. It was absolute stupidity on his part but it was also the wakeup call he needed.

The next day he was up early and ready to see both Lindsey and their new daughter. Every ounce of his body was screaming for a drink but Gerard tried to ignore it and instead he stopped off at a local store on the way to the hospital to buy flowers. Stepping into Lindsey’s room, Gerard was more nervous than ever. He hadn’t seen Lindsey in months, the last time being when she had found him and his boyfriend after they had just had sex, and called the police on them. A great memory, I’m sure you can agree. However, all of Gerard’s nerves seemed to melt away when he saw the little pink bundle in Lindsey’s arms. “Hey,” Lindsey whispered when Gerard entered the room. “She’s sleeping.” Gerard nodded and placed the flowers on the bed. “Thank you,” Lindsey whispered again, her face glowing in the way that only a new mother’s can. Gerard lowered himself onto a nearby chair, not feeling like he had the right to intrude any further, even though the baby Lindsey was holding was his own. However Lindsey shook her head and gestured for him to come closer, smiling again. Gerard perched on the side of Lindsey’s bed and stared at the tiny little human in her arms. “Gerard, I’d like you to meet our daughter.” Gerard was mesmerised by the tiny bundle in Lindsey’s arms, how she looked like a tiny, dainty doll. She was asleep and as Gerard watched her breathing slowly in and out, her little chest rising and falling, Gerard thought she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Her eyelashes were long and black and rested on her cheeks. She already had short little tufts of hair and the tiny pink fingers that were gripping her blanket tightly, had even smaller pink fingernails. “She’s perfect,” Gerard breathed, lost for words. Lindsey nodded, looking like the proudest mother that had ever lived.

“Does she have a name?” Gerard asked, not once taking his eyes from her. “I was thinking of Bandit,” replied Lindsey,” but I didn’t want to make an official decision without you here.” Gerard was touched. He looked at his new baby daughter and smiled. “Bandit is perfect.”

Lindsey grinned at him. “I thought so too.”

A few minutes had passed as they both looked down at the now officially named Bandit with pride. Gerard was itching to hold her but he didn’t want to ask for too much. Luckily Lindsey had known him a long time and always knew what he was thinking. “Would you like to hold her?” She asked. 

Gerard nodded eagerly. “Here you go, just remember to support her head, yeah, like that, there you go,” commented Lindsey as she passed the delicate bundle over to Gerard. Gerard was now holding his daughter, holding the most precious thing in his life, right in his hands. She was tiny, so tiny that he had nothing to compare it too, but he was surprised at the amount of heat radiating out of her body. She had woken and cried slightly as she was being passed over from parent to parent, but she was quiet now as she sat in her father’s arms. Gerard could have cried himself. 

“Hi Bandit,” he said to her softly, gazing at her. “I’m your daddy. I know I wasn’t here from the start and I’m really, really sorry about that, but it’s never going to happen again B, not ever. I’ll be there for you until the end. I’ll be there for you when you’re cry or when you’re hungry, or if you just need a cuddle. I’ll be there for you when you scrape your knees after falling off your bicycle, I’ll be there when you get gum in your hair. I’ll be there to help you with your math homework, and I’ll be there when a boy breaks your heart for the first time. I’ll be there to walk you down the aisle on your wedding day to a guy that loves you almost as much as I do. But no matter how much he loves you, he’s never going to love you more than I do sweetheart, not ever. I’ve only just met you and already you’re the most precious thing in the world to me. Just imagine how it’s going to be once we get to know each other,” Gerard laughed, tears streaming down his cheeks. “I’m going to be there for you through all that and so much more B, I’m going to be there for you for always, forever.”

Gerard looked up, sobbing silently and saw Lindsey also had tears streaming down her face. “Oh Gee,” she cried. “Where’ve you been?”

They talked for hours after that, talking turns holding Bandit. They talked about the last few months, about their relationship, about the baby, about the charges against Gerard. “I’m so sorry, Gerard,” Lindsey said, “I didn’t realise you and Frank were in love, I thought you were taking advantage of him. It was stupid, I know that now. I jumped to a stupid conclusion and I almost wrecked your life because of it. I know you’re not that kind of person, that you never will be that kind of person. I regretted calling the police almost immediately. When I came to my senses I tried to make them understand but they wouldn’t believe me, I guess they thought I was some kind of hysterical pregnant woman who kept changing her mind. I’m so glad the charges were dropped but I’m so so sorry they were brought about in the first place. I could kick myself. I was just trying to protect the kid. I was wrong though, and I’m sorry for that, I’m even more sorry that he’s moved away now. I know what I did brought that about. But I want you to know Gerard, I didn’t do what I did because I was a jealous bitch who wanted her boyfriend back. I didn’t.”

Gerard nodded and held Lindsey hand, squeezing it tightly. “I know that now Linds, I really do.”

When Gerard finally left that evening, he felt lighter, more in control. For the first time in months, he didn’t have a drink that night. I mean sure, Mikey and Alicia were watching him like hawks to make sure he didn’t anyway, but the urge to drink was less that it had been in a long, long time.

After that, Gerard gave recovery a go. It was hard as hell; in fact it got harder with every day. There were times when all Gerard wanted to do was cry and times all he wanted to do was drink. He was convinced that things would be easier if Frank was here to help him through this, but the fact that he wasn’t made things even harder. He ended up living with Alicia and Mikey for a few months and when things got better enough for him to work, Mikey managed to wrangle Gerard a job working at the same record store he was employed at. The structure helped him and he even made friends with a few of his co-workers to replace the old ones he had lost once they found out he was trying to get clean again. After all, people that wouldn’t drink or take drugs weren’t worth speaking to in their opinion. Gerard visited Bandit and Lindsey whenever he could. Bandit was growing into a beautiful baby girl and Gerard loved her more than he realised he could ever love anyone. Whenever he saw her smile or looked into her huge eyes, he felt even more positive about getting clean. He knew he had to do it for her and by then, that was okay. By then, he would have done anything for her.

Months passed and Gerard had finally moved back into an apartment of his own. He was still working at the record store but in his part time he was drawing and sending his work off to people who asked to use them in comics. He never imagined his life would end up this way, at twenty five he was working in a record store but also drawing, something he never thought he was good enough to do professionally. And while the last few months of his life had been hell, he had lost the love of his life, reverted back to his alcoholism, lost his job and almost gotten arrested, he was finally getting back on his feet. He had a beautiful baby daughter and was on good terms with Lindsey for the first time in a while. His relationship with his brother was stronger than ever, and he hadn’t touched a drink in months.

It had been about a year since Frank had moved away and Gerard still thought about him every day. He was still desperate to see him again but he didn’t spend every waking hour thinking about him anymore. The loss of Frank had still left an ache in his heart, an ache that Gerard had learnt couldn’t be filled with alcohol or drugs, but Gerard was slowly getting over it. In the old days he had tried everything to find Frank, emailing him, phoning him, texting him, but Frank never replied. In time, his number was changed, his facebook was disabled and emails were left unopened. Gerard was sure Linda was behind it and not Frank but it still hurt. Some days he had driven to Frank’s old house and just stood, watching the house as if Frank would suddenly appear at the window and come racing outside and jump in the car, lighting up a cigarette and grinning crookedly at Gerard. He never did.

It was a Tuesday afternoon and Gerard was working an early shift at the record store. He was swaying along to some random music on the stereo and sorting CDs when he happened to glance out of the window. What he saw made his heart stop. Walking along the street was Frank, it was undeniable. He looked as if he was in a world of his own as he walked along, ear buds pressed into his ears, no doubt blaring some punk band Gerard had never even heard of. He was wearing skinny jeans and a sleeve less ripped black t shirt and old converse, all clothes Gerard recognised. From his position at the window, Gerard could tell Frank had gotten even more tattoos. His hair was the same as ever, if a bit longer and messier, and although he hadn’t grown an inch, he looked older somehow.

Gerard abandoned the stack of CDs in his hands, racing out the door whilst the CDs clattered to the floor. He ran across the road to Frank, shouting his name, his heart beating faster and faster as he reached him. “Frank! Frankie!” Frank looked up, the music in his ears obviously not as loud as Gerard thought. His face broke into a grin and he ripped his ear buds out. “Gerard!” Gerard rushed to him, pulling him into a hug that almost knocked Frank off his feet. They hugged for what felt like hours, savouring the fact that they were back in each other’s arms once again.

Minutes later they were sitting in a coffee shop, clutching steaming cups of coffee. Gerard had found someone to cover his shift and now he was sitting with Frank, feeling happier than ever. “So you’re back,” stated Gerard, smiling so much that he thought his face would break. Frank nodded happily. “Yep…After mom made us move, well, it was a shit couple of months. She decided not to send me to any sort of a hospital, just to therapy once a week like I used to go to. We were kinda made to do it anyway, cause of the suicide attempt and my history and all. The therapist actually really helped me but apart from that, I was kind of left on my own. My mom had given up on me a long time ago, but we both knew that. I think she just wanted me around just so I couldn’t get up to anything. I know she loves me, but our relationship hasn’t been the same since. I wanted to stay with you but she wouldn’t let that happen. I know she was just trying to protect me, but sometimes I think she just wanted to spite me. Anyway, cause I was basically left on my own to get better, things got worse from then on. I was missing you so much that I would have done anything to numb the pain. I started drinking again, smoking weed, my cutting was worse than ever. I was at rock bottom, once again. But then I thought no, I can’t do this again. I’ve got to live, even if it’s just in the hope that I’ll see Gerard again. So I stopped drinking, smoking weed, tried to stop cutting. That was the hardest of all, especially seeing as I’d been doing it for about four years on and off. It was an addiction. But finally I picked myself up off the ground. I’m six months clean now. It’s crazy, I never thought I could get to more than six days clean. And it’s you always used to tell me, once I stopped cutting things for a lot better. I finally got control of my life back, and I didn’t need the help of a blade.”

“I got a job in a local supermarket, started training as a tattoo artist too. I’ve got a long way to go get but I love it, I really do. I turned nineteen a few months ago and with the money I’d saved up from my part time job; I decided to come back here, to see if I could find you. Mom couldn’t stop me. She’d already moved me half way across the country. Her man’s gone, he fucked off months ago. He was a prick, but she couldn’t see it. I hope she does now. But yeah, after all those months, after fucking my life up so much and taking me away from you, she’s in the same position she always was, just now in loads of debt from moving and I’m sitting here, in front of you. It’s laughable really, how she thought she could keep us apart. But I kept telling myself something, all those months, it was the only thing that kept me hanging on.”

“What was that?”

“I knew I’d always find my way back to you.”

Gerard blushed then and laughed; a tiny giggle that made Frank fall in love with him all over again. “So what about you?” Frank asked, “What’s been going on whilst I was away?”

Gerard mused what he was about to say and then just decided to tell the truth, knowing Frank didn’t deserve anything less. “Things got a bit mad when you left,” Gerard chuckled again, grateful he was now at the stage where he could laugh about his past, “More than a bit actually. I sort of went crazy without you. I started drinking again, started taking drugs; lost half of my furniture to pay for rent. Things were worse than ever. Then one day Mikey came to see me. He told me my little girl had been born and I had missed it because I was passed out, drunk on the floor. I never forgave myself for that. After that, Mikey helped me get clean. I got a job in the old record store as you know, and I draw for comics and stuff now too. Only sometimes mind you but I love it. I see my daughter all the time, she’s beautiful, her name’s Bandit,” Gerard’s eyes shined as he talked about her. “Lindsey apologised for splitting us up but I knew she was only doing what she thought was right. We get on really well now, almost like old times. We tried to try again, you know for Bandit’s sake, but it didn’t work out. It was a stupid idea, we’re better as friends. We realised we were being ridiculous after only a couple of days,” laughed Gerard. 

“Do you want to see her?” asked Gerard expectantly. 

Realising he meant Bandit, Frank nodded eagerly. Gerard dug his phone out of his pocket and edged closer to Frank. He showed him photo after photo, his face glowing with pride. Frank cooed at the pictures, she really was adorable, but all he could really think about was how great Gerard smelled, and how close their bodies were, how they were leeching off the others heat and how much he had missed Gerard’s laugh, his smile, his tiny teeth, and the way he always spoke with one side of his mouth as if he was permanently smoking a cigarette. He was falling in love with him more and more after every second they spent together. 

“She’s beautiful, Gerard,” Frank stated honestly when they came to the end of the reel of the seemingly never ending baby pictures. “I know,” smiled Gerard, still looking down at the last photo he had shown Frank. It was taken on the day Gerard had been to see Bandit for the first time and was a photo of the three of them, taken by Mikey, Lindsey holding Bandit carefully and Gerard sitting perched at the side of her bed, smiling blissfully. Frank glanced over at the photo again, noting the astounding difference in Gerard. “You look incredible Gerard,” Frank commented, gesturing at the photo, “You really do,” Gerard blushed and thanked Frank, hiding his red face by smiling down at the photo again, almost as if it was actually Bandit herself. “Oh,” Gerard almost shouted, looking up so fast Frank was surprised he didn’t get whiplash. “I forgot to tell you! Mikey and Alicia are getting married!” 

Frank beamed at Gerard’s news, delighted that the dorky little kid he knew and loved was marrying the woman he loved. “That’s great!” said Frank just as excitedly. “I know, right?” beamed Gerard. 

“So, what about you? Are you with anybody at the moment?” Frank asked, trying to sound casual, not at all as if Gerard’s answer had the ability to break his heart. However Gerard shook his head and Frank instantly breathed a sigh of relief. “No, I mean, there was that thing with Lindsey but that wasn’t really a thing at all. When things got really bad and I would hang out with all these bad people, there were girls there and they were willing to do anything, and I mean anything. But I wouldn’t even let them touch me. I wanted something to numb the pain but that was the one thing I would never try, I knew it would just fuck me up ten times worse. Besides, I’m not even sure if I’m gay or straight anymore. I haven’t felt anything for anyone since you left. You fucked me up, Frank Iero,” Gerard said teasingly. “At the risk of sounding like a total loser, I was just kind of waiting for you to come back. And I knew that if you never did, I’d look for you, and I’d never stop searching…What about you?”

Frank tried to hold back his own blush as he answered. “At the risk of also sounding like a total loser, I was the same. The only thing that kept me going was knowing that one day I’d be back here, in this shitty little town, looking for you.”

“Well you’ve found me now,” Gerard told him, smiling so hard he thought his face would break.

Frank nodded vigorously, smiling back. He reached over and took Gerard’s hands in his own, squeezing them tightly. “And I’m never gonna let you go again, I can promise you that.”

They grinned and closed the gap between them both, pulling the other in for a kiss. It was long and passionate but also soft and sweet. Their arms wrapped around the other’s waist and Frank rested his hand on Gerard’s neck whilst Gerard tangled his hand in Frank’s hair. They melted into one another, the kiss seemingly going on for hours. When they finally broke apart, their eyes were shining, their cheeks flushed, both out of breath. They grinned at one another and blushed; they had known one another one and off for about two years now, but they could still be as shy as at the start.

“I love you,” Frank whispered to Gerard as he cupped his cheek and stared into his eyes, his own welling up with tears at the happiness he thought he’d never be able to find again.

“I never stopped loving you,” Gerard murmured back, wiping away Frank's tears as his own eyes started to water, “and I never, ever will.”

Frank was walking home one evening in March. Most other people would already be at home by now but he had stayed late to finish up a custom tattoo job. He had let Gerard know he would be late beforehand and Gerard was fine with it, he knew how important Frank’s job was to him, it was one of the main things that kept him sane, there was something about creating a piece of art on someone’s body, knowing that he had done it, and seeing their smile afterward, he loved it. It gave him a rush, even when he wasn’t the one getting new ink. He thought about his job and how much he loved it on his bad days and it made him feel slightly better; he still had plenty of bad days, but nothing compared to the way he used to be. He had finally managed to live without medication for the first time in years and to him, it was a huge achievement. But most of all, on his bad days he didn’t need to think about his job, or how much better his life had become; Gerard made him feel better all by himself. He could just melt into Gerard’s arms and without even trying, all his problems seemed to lessen, maybe not melt away but it was hell of enough. They had moved in Gerard’s apartment together the same day they had met again, seeing no reason to take things slow. After all, they were in love, they always had been. The apartment was smaller than Gerard’s first, but Frank said he liked it better, that it was cosier. And it was. Gerard’s drawings were tacked up on the walls and now instead of case files littering his desk, he had a drawing station, littered with coffee mugs and pencils, paper scattered everywhere. His superhero figurines cluttered the windowsills and his bookshelves were groaning with all his books, the walls filled with posters of horror films and comic book characters. Soon enough, Frank’s tattoo designs joined Gerard’s work on the walls and Pansy leant against the bookshelves, older than ever but no longer disused. 

Frank had called his grandmother, the one person he was actually close to anymore, to explain that he wouldn’t be living with her as they planned now that he was back. His grandmother fussed in the way that only grandmothers can, asking him who he was staying with if it wasn’t her. Frank explained and Gerard’s face broke into a grin as he heard excited shouts from the other end of the phone. Frank put a hand over the phone, explaining to Gerard that he had told his grandmother all about his plan to find Gerard. Still, Frank’s grandmother urged for them both to come round and as soon as they got there, they found out why.

Frank’s grandmother opened the door and a little bundle of fluff barrelled out and straight into Frank, screaming and crying with the happiness of being reunited with her owner after more than a year. It was Mama. As she danced around Frank’s ankles before jumping into his arms, Frank’s grandmother explained that Linda had left Mama with her, telling Frank that she’d sold her so that he wouldn’t try and stay, insisting Mama was just another reason to stay. Over coffee she had told them she felt awful about the way her daughter had been acting, but she was just happy Frank was back now. On the way home, Frank teased Gerard, telling him how much his grandmother had liked him, causing Gerard to blush. However on the inside he was glad, happy one of Frank’s family members finally liked him.

With Mama back, Frank was happier than ever. Soon they had a pack of dogs in their apartment. With no one to tell him he couldn’t, Frank began to bring home puppy after puppy. Gerard hadn’t realised what a dog freak Frank really was, but it didn’t even matter to him anymore, now he just rolled his eyes when Frank brought another dog home and asked what its name was.  
Things were going great for them, for the first time in a really, really long time. They got Bandit on the weekends and also whenever Lindsey was away for a photo shoot for her job as a photographer. They all got on pretty well, the three of them. Things would never be totally fixed with them, but Frank had realised Lindsey was actually pretty cool. As for Bandit, well she was perfect. Frank had come to love her and think of her like his own daughter, but no one, no one, loved her more than Gerard did. He was incredible dad. Frank never knew what he would come home to next; Gerard and Bandit having a tea party, Gerard putting on a play for Bandit with her bears, reading to her, or even the two pretending to be superheroes together. 

As Frank climbed the stairs to their apartment, he mused about how his life had turned out. It was incredible that just a few years ago, he really didn’t believe his life was worth living. Now he had finished high school, albeit a few years late, he had his dream job, he lived with the love of his life, the one he almost lost, and they had a daughter together. He couldn’t believe how things had turned around. It was hard to believe that both him and Gerard had once been so desperate that they had both tried to kill themselves, and now their lives were like this. He was just thankful that they had both survived.

Finally he reached the door and opened it to be greeted with the chorus of his many dogs. “Hey guys!” he cried, to which the barks increased, the tails wagging more forcefully. He jumped to the ground and laughed as his dogs swarmed over to him, all licking his face, jumping into his lap, all trying to get as close as possible. He spent several minutes on the ground with his dogs, while Gerard sat nearby in a chair smiling fondly at him, Bandit on his lap, laughing herself. Frank’s grin got even bigger and he jumped up, crossing the floor to greet his two favourite people. “Hey, B!” he smiled down up at, chucking her under the chin and kissing her cheek to which she giggled whilst Gerard looked fondly at them. Frank then turned to Gerard and instead of a kiss on the cheek; he pulled him in for a proper kiss. When they pulled away minutes later they were both breathless but Gerard managed to laugh, a blush colouring his cheeks. “What was that for? Have a good day at work or something?”

Frank shook his head but smiled. “No, I’ve just been thinking and I’ve realised how lucky I really am. I never thought I would get this far, and I never thought things could be this good for me either. But it is and it all feels so crazy that it still feels kind of hard to accept. I don’t think I’d even be here if it wasn’t for you Gerard. I mean, it’s easy to forget with the way our lives were, but we’ve both come such a long way. It feels like that was a whole world ago, like it happened to different people. But it didn’t, it happened to us. And now, I’m standing here, talking to you, with our daughter in your arms and it’s just amazing. I don’t think I’ve ever really thanked you for everything you’ve done, Gerard, so I wanted to say it now, before our life, and our happiness makes me forget how awful things used to be, yet again. So thank you Gee, thank you for saving my life, so many times, in more ways than one. Cause if you never had, I wouldn’t be here with you and B, happier than ever and that thought, the thought of not having you guys by my side, well it’s just unimaginable.”

Gerard smiled down and Frank and pulled him down onto his lap, resting his head on his shoulder and immediately lacing their fingers together. Gerard could say so many things back, could start his own speech about how he didn’t save Frank, but Frank saved him, how he never imagined his life would end up this way either, but thanked whatever god was out there that it did. But he didn’t. He didn’t need to. Frank already knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so this is the absolute last chapter of Disenchanted, it can be taken as either an alternative ending or a follow on chapter from the previous one, it works either way really. I decided not to write both as I really didn't have the time, I'm going back to school in like two weeks and I have so much to do before then so I'm sorry if you're disappointed.
> 
> Sorry this took so long and I know it's pretty shitty but I wanted to get it done for you guys; there was so much to write about so this chapter ended up being like over 13, 00 words, whoops. I know it's probably awful but hey, I tried aha. I couldn't write anymore at this stage. Also I don't know much about the law so this probably seemed a bit far fetched that Gerard wasn't charged but it's a fan fic, what can you do?
> 
> Hope you guys liked this and don't forget to comment, and give kudos, it really means a lot to me!
> 
> This will probably be the last fic I'll write because I'm doing really important exams this year and I won't have time to do anything really; so I hope you enjoyed this!
> 
> My other websites:  
> Twitter: twitter.com/idesofmxrch  
> Tumblr: thesadnesswill-lastforever.tumblr.com  
> Instagram: instagram.com/fxreverhalloween


	30. Author's note (will delete)

Hi guys!  
I know I haven't posted on this site in a long time as I've been so busy with exams and my last year of school but yesterday I got a really sweet anon message on my tumblr saying how much they liked this story and it reminded me of how much I used to love writing Disenchanted. I haven't looked at it in so long so it's probably awful and totally cringe worthy but I just wanted to thank you guys once again for reading this story and for all your lovely comments; I finished this story almost a year ago but I still haven't forgotten!  
I also wanted to 'bump up' this fic to give people who might not have read it before an opportunity to see if they might like to read it.  
I might have a read over it myself and try and improve it a little bit too, but we'll see.  
Once again, thank you.

You can also find me here:  
Twitter: idesofmxrch  
Instagram: idesofmxrch  
Tumblr: thesadnesswill-lastforever.tumblr.com


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